Other [Issue 38] Gold Please, Admin?

[sonofchrysalis3 3,719]

Royal Disclaimer:

 

Hello, fellow Tanki-players!  I’m Princess Twilight Sparkle, a.k.a. SparkleAndSpice14.  Stratus (sonofchrysalis3) is a good friend of mine; I’ve known him for two years and he’s usually quite nice.  But he got a little carried away while writing this article, and I fear he might’ve been a touch rude.  I tried to edit it as best as I could, but just in case I missed something, please don’t be offended by what he has written.  He is very passionate about this topic, but he would never intentionally insult or upset you, I promise.

 

Good luck and happy tanking!

                       T.S.

 

On June 13th, 2015, I was enjoying an easy round at Stadium CTF. My team met practically no resistance. The opposing team was almost entirely composed of snipers, so no one prevented me from grabbing six flags within the first ten minutes of the battle.

 

I politely allowed a tanker we’ll call “Doofus” to try to capture the next flag. I drove up to the other team’s spawning area and began tormenting the snipers.

 

“Doofus” raced back to our base in his little Wasp, flag flapping behind him. I felt good about letting the guy take it. He needed the experience points more than I did.

 

He suddenly screeched to a stop in the middle of the field.

 

Every eye was upon him as he sat motionless, a sitting duck for any enemy sniper. I bit my lip nervously and struggled to keep the snipers off of him. What, in the honorable name of Galaxia, was he doing?!

 

A message appeared in the chat box. “Gold pls admin”

 

A muffled woosh erupted behind me. “Doofus” exploded as the sniper’s round crushed his armour and flipped him on his side.

 

The flag fell, and a nearby enemy picked it up. My sacrifice was wasted.

 

 

* * * * * * * *

 

 

After the battle, I grabbed a pen and, in a frustrated flurry of flying ink, I wrote “The Most Common Misconception About the Gold Box”. I couldn’t believe that tankers were so mistaken about the Gold. That Doofus’s pointless typing started a chain reaction that even I couldn’t stop: we lost the battle by four flags.

 

Sadly, his mistake is not uncommon. Many tankers believe that administrators can manually drop the Gold Box.

 

Oh, I know how much it breaks your heart to read that! “YOU MEAN THAT MY INCESSANT SHOUTS OF ‘GOLD PLS ADMIN’ FELL ON DEAF EARS?”

 

To which I scream, in a flood of angry passion, “YES!!!!”

 

I’m sure that this misconception is simply due to tankers’ misunderstanding of administrators and Gold Boxes. And so, if I explain in simple-to-understand sentences how the two items in question work, everytanki should say “Oh. Well I guess I shouldn’t type that stupid phrase anymore.”

 

Twilight Sparkle has been looking over my shoulder as I write this, and she just scolded me for “being so rude.” Not quite sure what she means. Anyway:

 

1. Admins do many things. Dropping Gold Boxes isn’t one of them.

 

According to the “Responsibilities of administration and administration’s helpers” wikipage, there are several types of administrators. Take yourself a look-see:

 

 

 

 

Now, let me ask you all a question: do you see a title in that list with the job of dropping Gold Boxes?

 

If you just said “Yes”, I’m going to slap- *OW*. Never mind. Very sorry. What was I saying?

 

The administrators are here to keep Tanki clean and safe for tankers of all ages. They do not drop Gold Boxes.

 

A few tankers just bounced in their seats and said “OOH OOH OOH but Stratus, can’t developers drop Gold Boxes? You know, since THEY MADE THE GAME?”

 

Poor, misguided, one-track-minded tanker- *OW*.

 

My dear, wonderful, all-knowing little monster friend, do you honestly think that the fifteen or twenty developers have nothing better to do than sit at their computers and wait for you to ask for a Gold Box when you are one tanker in thousands who ask that every minute?

 

That leads right to my next point:

 

2. Gold Boxes are dropped randomly by the computer.

 

Permit me to quote the wikipage again:

 

"Gold Box - This is a bonus that is dropped during a battle. It awards the player 1000 crystals. There are drop zones for Gold Boxes on every map. Most maps have several drop zones. Originally the Gold Box was dropped when battle the fund reached 700 crystals. Since Update 1.78.0 it can now appear in a battle with any fund size. The probability is 1 in 10,000."

 

Do you see that dastardly little word there in the last sentence? “Probability”?  Hmm... I wonder what “probability” could mean... let me pull up a human dictionary on my computer here… okay, “probability” is defined as “The odds that a random event will occur versus the odds that it won’t”.

 

Wow, so what does that mean? Could it mean that what I have been shouting and screaming and crying and begging you to realize is actually true?

 

Maybe you still aren't convinced. Maybe you need a visual aid to help you see how wrong the concept of a mythical administrator in the sky dropping the gold really is:

 

So, without further ado, I present

 

 

A LAME LITTLE STRATUS CARTOON

 

 

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not denying that administrators have halos, and I’m certainly not saying that they don’t float on clouds (I understand that @Yele prefers stratocumulus because it’s easier to stretch out on). What I AM saying is that asking the admin for a Gold Bil is laughably unintelligent okay if you really want to, but please remember that it accomplishes nothing.

 

3. What about hacks?

 

The few remaining urchins *OW* tankers clinging stubbornly to the manual drop fantasy are probably screeching something about the little cheat codes and websites that nefarious individuals have contrived to spawn Golds on command.

 

There are three things you need to know about hacks:

 

a.     All those YouTube videos you saw?  The hacks depicted don’t work.

 

So some random dude posts a video in which he clicks on the ground and *voila* down drops a Gold Box. Eh heh. He titled the video “Gold Hack”, but he’s actually using the infamous test server. I know nothing about test servers, *NOR DO I CARE TO*, but I know that Golds caught there don’t give you any crystals.

 

But what if he genuinely did make a working hack? What if some third party software was used to break into a battle and a Gold Bil was actually dropped manually?

 

The question leads right into my next point:

 

b.     Successful Gold hacks last approximately five seconds before they are discovered and the hacker’s account is erased.

 

Tankionline’s computers are not stupid. Just as you can detect when a kangaroo has stepped on your hoof (or foot, as the case may be), Tanki very quickly realizes that something is amiss when a battle exhibits unusual characteristics, such as a Gold Box dropping in an unnatural manner. Technicians are alerted immediately, and the battle is locked down like you see SWAT teams do in the movies. The Gold hack is eliminated and the player responsible is permanently removed from the game, regardless of how much time or money he spent on his account.

 

But what if some superhuman hacker, with his ExtraUberMacaroni3000 computer, was somehow able to hack in and create a Gold-dropping utopia undetected, where he and his partners-in-crime could rack up millions of crystals per day?

 

That’s where I come in.

 

c.      Even if a hack gets through, honest tankers will spot it and report it.

 

CTaen and I were at Polygon DM about a month ago, and sometanki WHO SHALL REMAIN UNNAMED said “Hey, I’ve got a Gold box hack” in the chat box. We told him that such things are not allowed on Tanki, and using them would result in a ban, but he laughed us off.

And so we stood watching, recording software ready, waiting for him to use his hack.

 

He realized that we weren’t joking and promptly left.

 

Whether he had a hack or not isn’t the point. A section of the forum has been created for tankers to post videos of Game Violators caught in the act of using game cheats, and this forum is utilized frequently by honest players who wish to uphold the rules and spirit of the game of Tanki. Dozens of hackers have raised their ugly heads over the past six years, but none have gotten away cleanly with their cybercrimes because honorable players catch them every time.

 

“BUT STRATUS!” screams the pathetic *OUCH* WOULD YOU CUT THAT OUT?! tanker, “Why would you want to get rid of something that benefits you?! Surely you could appreciate the extra crystals that the hack would give you!”

 

Cue main point number four:

 

4. Why are hacks illegal?

 

Why would those grouchy old developers want to make manual Golds impossible? Oh, that’s right, it’s because they’re a bunch of stingy, money-grubbing misers who don’t want you to get enough crystals to buy the equipment you want without having to buy the crystals.

 

*Facehoof.*

 

Let me explain this for the umpteen dozenth time:

 

a. Hacks are unfair.

 

Hackers make up a tiny minority of the Tanki community. Almost no one has the know-how necessary to hack into the game and manipulate it, so most players would be royally screwed if hacks were allowed to run rampant. The only tankers who would ever win battle would be hackers, and this site would become a very dangerous place.

 

b. They hurt the economy.       

 

Sorry to rain on your paradise, but Santa Hooves doesn’t keep this game online. The game is free to join and play, but serious gamers buy crystals in order to compete on a professional level. The people who made this game and keep it running have a difficult situation on their hands: they need to eat, which requires money, but they want their game to be fun for everytanki. So they put a small price on things. They are simply selling virtual goods, just as the store down the road sells real-world goods.

 

So what if sometanki infiltrates the game and starts circulating counterfeit crystals? Prices must go up in order to counter the loss of profits caused by the fake crystals; i.e. inflation of the virtual currency. The economy becomes unstable as the hacked crystals flow into the system. Eventually, the only tankers able to buy equipment and supplies are the hackers, until the economy completely collapses, that is.

 

I can see the reply section now:

 

“Well those nasty devs should just give us this stuff for free.”

 

Nothing, poor tanker, is free. The internet by which you are reading this newsletter is not free. The structure you’re sitting on wasn’t free, even if you’re sitting on the ground (#property_taxes). Get your head out of your flanks and study kindergarten economics.

 

Oh, and by the way:

 

c.  The Devs are not out to get you.

 

You love to slander them in the discussion forum. Unspeakable thrills pulse your entire being as you complain about how they wake up in the morning and say “Whose life can I ruin today?”

 

And everytanki else in the universe points at you and laughs helplessly.

 

If you really believed every libelous thing you’ve said about them, you’d press that common sense button in your brain and get off of this site. Instead, you sit there and play this game for hours each day. Nothing wrong with that, but stop pretending that you think it’s all horrible. You aren’t fooling anypony.

 

 

********

 

I have done my very best to stay calm and collected as I have typed this. It wouldn't have been as difficult if I didn't have A CERTAIN ALICORN smacking me in the back of the head every other sentence.

 

But you get the idea. No one but the computer has the power to drop Gold Boxes. And while it would probably be more exciting (for a moment, anyhow) to have a DROP THE GOLD BOX button on your keyboard, the cons would very quickly outweigh the pros.

 

Part of the beauty of Gold Boxes is their rarity. If they were as numerous as Speed Boosts, we would be far less enamored by them. So it's better that they be scarce and uncontrolled. It's just one more thing that makes our game one of the best on the internet.

 

Now, if I ever again see you type "Gold pls admin" in your chat box, I'm going to- *OW OW OW STOP IT!!!*

Edited January 3, 2018 by Yisroel.Rabin

[PAKlSTANI 114]

True Story, I know your feelings man!, even some generalissimo's says that  :angry:  :mellow:

Edited August 14, 2015 by PAKlSTANI

[Meliora 1,652]

If you've made http://en.tankiforum.com/index.php?showtopic=267592&hl, why repeat it? Also you can't drop golds in the test server.

[viduranga-x 305]

Cue main point number four:

 

?

[Darren4Turbo 4,913]

Nice job, excited to read that all  ^_^

[Rico_Viking_9000 942]

Yep. But i highly doubt those tankers who never turn their turret, sit there multing, and ask for gold, then never get it will read this. But it is the truth after all, and that's why gold drops more frequently in higher rank battles. There are less likely to be people doing that, but they still do. This happens to me. Someone says, "Gold box plz admin" and I answer, "Admin dont drop gold." They say it again, I reply, "No one drops gold". Again, and i say, "Where did u hear that admin drop gold?" They never listen to me. We need a way to get these greedy tankers notified about this. And also, if they watch the v-logs, that admin are never Gold hunters of the week. And they still play tanki. So great topic here.

[Phoenix.Raised 5,992]

Great comic :)

[Thug 3,435]

Nice =) 

[Flexoo 6,980]

I´ve seen gold box so sporadically i believe it is cause of vacations of admins :/

 

^ Kidding. I converted. My only god is that one behind the gold fortune wheel

 

[buddersword 26]

Even on 5x Battle funds when gold boxes were raining , some guys would start chanting the phrase, " Gold Box pls admin " simultaneously .. And if it dropped than they'd say " No Kill " and when someone caught it , they'd say " Hackaa!!!! , My Gold Box! , Noooooooo I was so Close!! " ( even if they were miles away from it ) and after that start chanting the phrase , " Gold box pls admin " again .... That's Hilarious :lol:

Edited August 14, 2015 by buddersword

[1stsuperwhitedragon 408]

Yep. But i highly doubt those tankers who never turn their turret, sit there multing, and ask for gold, then never get it will read this. But it is the truth after all, and that's why gold drops more frequently in higher rank battles. There are less likely to be people doing that, but they still do. This happens to me. Someone says, "Gold box plz admin" and I answer, "Admin dont drop gold." They say it again, I reply, "No one drops gold". Again, and i say, "Where did u hear that admin drop gold?" They never listen to me. We need a way to get these greedy tankers notified about this. And also, if they watch the v-logs, that admin are never Gold hunters of the week. And they still play tanki. So great topic here.

thx to you and that reporter, I mean seriously, if any player say that I would imagine that I go to some players' house and smack them in the face for saying "pls admin pls, god bax will fall soon","gold. box wil fal","gold Bill","has gold box dropped?"(only during battle, not when they exactly arrive),... & about hacks, it's true that we can fine some on YouTube and also, on Google+, a person posted a hack link which gets pretty pathetic. Also I've seen invisibility hack (happen to me five times: the third time that happened, an isida and I was going up a ramp from our base {blue base} and then somehow the isida was losing health and he was shooting in one direction; to my surprise, his beam was white like if he was shooting for no reason but he was gaining health, then I quickly realize that he was killing an invisible hacker). There's also a few crazy hacks I tried, but didn't work. It's sad that many players for this game has become victims of hacks nowadays. Now back to god box admin thing, it drives many people crazy and we wanted to ragequit or facepalm or other things that I don't know about because of those nubs asking admins for goldbox. First of all, they can't type the damn formula correctly and second, as the reporter said, admins don't control goldboxes; battle funds do (even if you just made a battle for you and your friends/clan mates/club mates). And it's better with drop zones instead of not having them because I can't imagine fly hackers going around the sky and driving on top of buildings to get a damn goldbox. Why don't the devs do anything to stop them? of course players can report them by making screenshots/vids and post them in game violators but the vialator mods randomly reply to be exact.

Edited August 15, 2015 by sonofchrysalis3
Do not post pictures of hack sites; that's as bad as posting a link.

[Cor7y 13,862]

Just say this, duh :Lol:

 

[1stsuperwhitedragon 408]

Please...

you're trying them?! And those hack links will be removed if the mods notice that

[sonofchrysalis3 3,719]

Great comic :)

One gigantic thank-you to Lhamster for helping with it.

[r_Your-Daddy3 605]

Nice , but players will not stop saying 'Gold plz , admin.'

[sonofchrysalis3 3,719]

Nice , but players will not stop saying 'Gold plz , admin.'

I know, and that fact makes me cry.

[LeIouch_Vi_Britannia 6,163]

First, the fact that NO ONE cant drop golds is totally incorrect.

 

second:

 

:lol:

[goldbox2998 35]

I know, and that fact makes me cry.

and mad :angry:

[Strawwitz 86]

Anyone asking for a gold box during team combat, should be treated as a saboteur if on your team, and a first target preference if on the other side. 

Edited August 16, 2015 by Strawwitz

[Rayyan 3,415]

Actually, everyone believes that there is a sleepy admin spectating the battle and from spectator mode, The admin allows gold box when he sees there big shouts "Admin gold box". Logically 45% of tanki are mults, 25% noobs, 20% are hackers and at last other 10% of tankers are skilled or so called "Pro". Still great job "SOC3" (sonofchrysalis3) Keep it up!

 

~Rec

[fightermalikio20115 374]

great,but kinda of a repeat of the other article

[TriNitroToIuene 4,765]

great,but kinda of a repeat of the other article

Nuh-uh. He really branched out here, and provided vital direct as well as background details. Load the articles side by side, and you'll see the difference. :)

[Pabloblue 21]

Thank you for this article, hopefully many read it

[Schmerznebel 12]

Just ban whoever says "Goldbox" in any variation for a month and we'll see if these kids learn or not xD

[El_Jefe_Supremo 7]

Devs, could you make one of the battle loading tips about how a gold box drops? (Or rather, how it doesn't). The people who need to read this obviously haven't taken 3 seconds to go read the wiki page and won't ever find this post. (Very well written and informative, btw). If it shows up on their screen directly, they will probably read it though.