Contest [Issue 38] Can you Contribute to Tanki's Finest News Source? Returns!

[marvelsuperhero 0]

Sorry for posting this twice accidentally.

[celroti 133]

 

Semyon Kirov Leaves Tanki Online

 

Did you know that these two people; Hazel-Rah and Mariya Trusevich hated Semyon Kirov? In the 50th V-LOG, they said they wanted a more sexy male host or female host. Then, Semyon made that epic frown face. He said he was going to leave Tanki FOREVER. His feelings was so hurt. Hazel-Rah and Mariya Trusevich just laughed even more. While at home feeling devasted, he thought about what made him just a bad V-LOG host, but couldn't think of any. But why did they want a better female host  :huh: ? I was like "wasn't it obvious"? A month after Semyon quited Tanki, he was like "I'll show them how to treat a man"! He secretly went to the Tanki Online youtube channel, changed the password, and deleted all the videos! The Tanki crew was very confused, and Semyon never told them about it. He went on with the rest of his life playing as Godmode_ON  :ph34r: .

 

159 words if I counted properly.

 

OMG that's too personal touch man in my sense

[celroti 133]

HIGH PITCHED PREGNANCY

 

We all have those secret memories that make us smile and blush apple red.Those incidents that we swear to take to our graves.Among few people,I'm the one to open up my embarrassing moments and here is my recall."Thank You GOLD" This is a written contest else I sound like a cat in a vacuum cleaner,a total embarrassment.The inner joke is full about German Community Manager Mariya.

 

Warning!!!Try to read without laughing.Back to early days, surreal ambience of humor in the lunch hall.The so-called-lunch time.We're having one those silly conversations and eating each other words.i don't really contemplate what I had said then but I do believe it was a really sarcastic remark on what Semyon Kirov has said.He knew about my obsession with children and wished "I hope you never get pregnant."Without blink of an eye in my renowned loud and sharp voice I yelled "I HAVE TO GET PREGNANT."All the community members heard it and every body started laughing.It was super embarrassing.I wish it would have ended then but for days my colleagues came and teased me "Mariya,you have to get pregnant right?" The GODEMODE_On noticed it and was taken to the head office as if I was a Serengeti Gazelle dragged by a leopard. Then......

Edited August 22, 2015 by celroti

[ariking777 940]

Sorry for posting this twice accidentally.

You can hide your post - near the MultiQuote button there is "Hide".

[BlueDragon_tamki 3,204]

Thanks :D Your entry seems quite good, but I bet it exceeds the word limit without having counted... :) I hate word limits - in tests, in writing contests of Tanki, everywhere :D

lol thx I was trying to be dramatic which kinda worked :D

[Legolover3 91]

May 2015:

Semyon Kirov slouched at the absurdly vast Tanki HQ conference table on a rainy Friday afternoon at 4:30, discussing with the developers about the current state of the game and how to improve it. That is, if looking at the clock every three seconds and yawning constitutes “discussion.” Bored out of his senses, Semyon mumbled “Hey, we could, uh...get rid of daily gifts...” Two minutes later, the developers jerked up (hey, like I said, this conference table is really long) Confronted by such a preposterous idea, they gaped at him like he’d just asked them to let Fen-Harel play in a developers vs. players basketball tournament. Startled by their response, he added “but we can replace them with missions instead!”

The developers blithely jumped on board with this scheme, introducing said missions with great fanfare on July 13. Players were ecstatic, raking in mounds of crystals and getting great gear. Soon, however, now that many players were so rich, they saw no need to pay for crystals. The devs panicked and, in secret, reduced all the reporters’ salaries to balance the plunging budget. The cut was so drastic that Hogree was now in abject poverty, and no longer able to afford chicken, the entire reporter team plunged into despair. Even worse, since Hog accounts for 60% of chicken sales on the planet, investors bailed out of all the poultry companies, tanking the economy and starting the world on a precarious path towards death-by-lack-of-chicken. Appalled by the repercussions of their foolish decision, the developers halved the daily mission rewards and returned all staff to full pay (except for Fen, who always got half), righting the economy and sending KFC stock soaring.

Moral of the story?

Never mess with chicken. Bad things happen.

 

296 words.

Edited August 16, 2015 by Legolover3

[goldbox2998 35]

Gl everyone

Edited August 16, 2015 by goldbox2998

[Halinator 52]

Reserved/Under Construction

Edited August 23, 2015 by Halinator

[r_TIGER_BOY_20140 78]

                   Can i get  Chicken Tandoor with a micha7586? 

By: TIGER_BOY_2014

 

oh no.I said beacuse micha7586  fart so louder and the smell was so gorrs you fart .Micha7586 told me of course humans fart i told human makes funny sound when they fart.

And after the farting problemo of micha7586 we went to Kfc where are lots of tasty chickens and spilts come out of my mouth. Micha told me that he dont want to eat kfc chicken he want to eat a chicken? i told what chicken what kind of a chicken. He told a chicken?I told eat this kfc chicken  he told NO.?

When we were going to the bus the bus driver told micha that where is the money micha told he dont have any money he have only his pants as a money the bus driver told give the money.Once again i have to give my money to bus driver. And bus ticketer question me  where you going ? the bus ticketer told this take a ticket again i told for what he told if you are going some where you ticket can be lost i told i wouldn't take a ticket he told get the ticket i told No. if you get one ticket you will be not lost in Africa jungle.I told are you a pyshico. Bus ticketer told yes i am a pysico. 

When our bus station come we went out of bus. I told micah where the hell do you want to go micah told he want to go to chicken tandoor bath room? i was like this :huh: . i told micah that i am going to a restuarnt to eat a chicken but micah told me drink the toilet cleaner i was like :blink:  are you mad ? he told of course why not?

and finally i lock the door and i went to my gloary to eat chicken tandoor . 100% i will not get the 5000crytals even

Edited August 17, 2015 by r_TIGER_BOY_20140

[goldbox2998 35]

...

Can i get Chicken Tandoor with a micha7586?

By: TIGER_BOY_2014

 

oh no.I said beacuse micha7586 fart so louder and the smell was so gorrs you fart .Micha7586 told me of course humans fart i told human makes funny sound when they fart.

And after the farting problemo of micha7586 we went to Kfc where are lots of tasty chickens and spilts come out of my mouth. Micha told me that he dont want to eat kfc chicken he want to eat a chicken? i told what chicken what kind of a chicken. He told a chicken?I told eat this kfc chicken he told NO.?

When we were going to the bus the bus driver told micha that where is the money micha told he dont have any money he have only his pants as a money the bus driver told give the money.Once again i have to give my money to bus driver. And bus ticketer question me where you going ? the bus ticketer told this take a ticket again i told for what he told if you are going some where you ticket can be lost i told i wouldn't take a ticket he told get the ticket i told No. if you get one ticket you will be not lost in Africa jungle.I told are you a pyshico. Bus ticketer told yes i am a pysico.

When our bus station come we went out of bus. I told micah where the hell do you want to go micah told he want to go to chicken tandoor bath room? i was like this :huh: . i told micah that i am going to a restuarnt to eat a chicken but micah told me drink the toilet cleaner i was like :blink: are you mad ? he told of course why not?

and finally i lock the door and i went to my gloary to eat chicken tandoor . 100% i will not get the 5000crytals even

[BlueDragon_tamki 3,204]

...

[Primuser 158]

Presenter gets role in upcoming Top Gear season.

 

Since Top Gear’s last episode, in which sacked Jeremy Clarkson appeared one final time, Chris Evans has been revealed to be the new presenter of Top Gear. Having a history with lavish cars, it was admittedly not a difficult decision to hire Evans, BBC producers commented. When asked about a possible companion, Evans mentioned the possibility of hiring a Russian presenter known to hoard tanks in his virtual garage. None other than Semyon is most likely to accompany Evans in BBC’s popular TV show Top Gear. Speculations about his salary have already arisen… whether or not Semyon will be paid in dollars or crystals is still uncertain.

          Evans has confirmed that we will be seeing a lot more tanks in the upcoming 23rd season. ¨We’re currently working on developing a prototype of the popular hornet hull to be used in the show¨ Semyon commented. Could this mean that we will be seeing an improved version of Top Gear’s popular car football? Whether or not we will actually see Tanki football in the 23rd season is still uncertain. ¨Anything is possible¨ Semyon added.

Edited August 18, 2015 by Primuser

[mplush 0]

                         The Strongest Smokey

 

          It was a steamy night in polygon, the hornets and dictators skid on the snowy ground. It was tied 21 to 21. Sammy the smokey was a daring turret, though he was weak his critical blows made up for it. His friend west the wasp, has known him ever since they were bought in a garage as a package. His friend did not have a lot of health so he was destroyed a lot but sammy tried his best to destroy other tanks on behave of west. The craziest thing was about to happen and it was all Sammy the Smokey. In the last 15 seconds sammy new it was his time to shine, there was only 1 more capture point till his team won. West had barely enough health to stand another blow from the Max the mammoth. Right before randy railgun shot, Sammy unattached him self and flung himself into the air. Resulting in randy missing the shot, Sammy shot near Max. The cold wind shifted the direction of the bullet, the smoke coming out of Sammy blinded Max he had no time to equip. The bullet hit Max's left wheel, his back engine gave up and exploded. Which left him plenty of time to capture. Not only did Sammy win that match but he showed all the other tankers how special his people are....................

[GoldRock 6,165]

A quick question - could my "article" be a bundle of news rather than a single article on a big subject? Like, could I make a compilation of subjects, each one mentioned in 2-3 sentences?

Sure, as long as it fulfils the contest criteria. Writing an entry of high quality is much more important than such technicalities, and I'd prefer entries were creative rather than restricted. Sorry for the late reply, on holiday with inconsistent Internet access.

Edited August 19, 2015 by GoldRock

[Wishtaker97 62]

:excl: Undercontruction :excl:

 

Devs reveal Info, Spectators Baffled!

 

It was till late believed that Semyon Kirov was some kind of a dwarf who used a chair to stand up during V-Logs since he didn't how his whole while screening. Upon realizing that Semyon was actually a Lamp-post towering to around 6'3 was quite a shock to fellow tankers. Now a lot of Teenage girls have had the 

[ariking777 940]

Sure, as long as it fulfils the contest criteria. Writing an entry of high quality is much more important than such technicalities, and I'd prefer entries were creative rather than restricted. Sorry for the late reply, on holiday with inconsistent Internet access.

I've already written my entry :D So as not to find myself with no way out, could you please read my entry (at Page 3) and tell me if it meets the rules? I can't see any violation, but I wanna be sure :) I'm not asking you to tell me if it's good or not, but only if it isn't disqualified for any reason ;)

[GoldRock 6,165]

I've already written my entry :D So as not to find myself with no way out, could you please read my entry (at Page 3) and tell me if it meets the rules? I can't see any violation, but I wanna be sure :) I'm not asking you to tell me if it's good or not, but only if it isn't disqualified for any reason ;)

Yep, it isn't disqualified. Good luck! :P

[ariking777 940]

Yep, it isn't disqualified. Good luck! :P

Thank you very much :D

[manish17 1,085]

2040 : The Future News of Tanki

30th October, 2040 -

 

Almost 5 months have passed since Tanki Online celebrated its 31st Year Anniversary. 

 

"The 27-year old wait is soon going to be over. The unity version of Tanki will be released soon. " says Semyon. But, our clever Tanki Audience has understood that he is fooling us. Recently, many changes have been made to the game. Many people have bought thousands of crystals by donating several litres of their blood through the new payment method. Tanki is actively working to make more of such new payment methods. Currently, the biggest interest of the people is in 's 100 m race which he started about 3 months ago and you would be glad to hear that he finished almost half of it. 

 

Tomorrow we will be celebrating Halloween in Tanki as usual and Semyon just revealed the surprises that are to come. There will be gold boxes which will bear resemblance to Semyon's face to scare the Tankists. The gold boxes, if taken, would reduce one's crystals by 31%. The prices of all garage items will also be increased by 31%. 

 

Semyon had also broken his own record of maximum down-votes in the forum by removing supplies, as an experiment, from the game.  Last Friday, V-Log had reached 1000 episodes and when Semyon asked some Tanki Online Players what they wanted, one player said "a thousand more episodes" . His account has been suspended. But tomorrow is surely gonna be the best ever Halloween of Tanki!

Edited August 20, 2015 by manish17xxx

[IFoS_JoVaDa 3]

HEART-ATTACK on BATTLEFIELD

 

This happened back in years ago. A tanker after the sound of the Gold Box got sick, after a few moments had difficulty breathing and other symptoms such as back pain, headache, nausea, dizziness and vertigo, rapid and irregular heartbeat and insomnia.

 

This unfortunate Tanker fainted. But fortunately a few moments later, an ISIDA came to the rescue discharging all the space bar and allowing them to revive the unfortunate Tanker.

 

Stronger than ever he ventured to the gold box and magically appeared on his Hornet wings and flew to the gold box, taking it.

 

It is not known if it is a true story, maybe it's a urban legend ... The hornet with golden wings ... The tankers call it HORNET XT.

 

[TriNitroToIuene 4,765]

 Currently, the biggest interest of the people is in 's 100 m race which he started about 3 months ago and you would be glad to hear that he finished almost half of it. 

This :lol:

[manish17 1,085]

This :lol:

Lol :p 

[Contradiction 1,242]

Dubious Changes to Reporter Paint; Wiki Editors are Blamed

By @Contradiction

 

Early on the 19th of August, Reporters awoke to find their paints drastically changed. Lacking its toilet-paper-like quality, the new paint is ominously dark and encrusted with silver characters. Many different conclusions have been speculated on the reason for this change. Some say that the change in the paint was due to Scythe's criticism of the old paint in Issue 37. ShedNinja believes super-natural forces are the cause. A few may even blame this change due to Global Warming. 

 

However, Russian eye-witnesses report sighting a shadowy figure fleeing from the Tanki Headquarters in Perm, known only as "Ms.Selena". Reporters have also noticed a rather malevolent word written on the side of their paint: Wiki. Certain reporters have even expressed disgust at this grotesque word written on the side of their paint. A Mr.Hog stated further, "I can't believe there isn't a chicken on it."

 

There are more than enough reasons to suspect the Wiki Editors for this rather fishy paint change. After receiving many accusations of Foul Play, they have yet to issue a formal statement. Although it can be said that a man by the name of "Rem" seems oddly unmoved by this recent change. 

                                                Photo courtesy of @Yisroel.Rabin                                               

 

 

I wasn't sure if multiple entries are allowed... please notify me if they aren't.

Oncoming Walrus Invasion-- Moderators Blissfully Unaware

By @Contradiction

 

It's not often that we get news like this at the dictator. But it appears that Tanki may be facing a serious threat: Walruses. Yes, those big, flabby animals that live in the arctic could soon be flailing around inside your garage, destroying everything you've ever worked for. Just imagine a poor Mammoth buried underneath a sea of manic walruses, struggling to survive.

 

The origin of this threat has been caused by the tankers. Carbon released from Tank Engines has proved catastrophic. These green house gasses emitted by unknowing Tankers is leading to a disastrous consequence: The melting of the polar ice caps, leaving Walruses stranded, hungry, and without homes. The statistics in the garage don't even mention the average annual Carbon Emissions per tank. Even worse, the Developers and Moderators seem quite ignorant of these ruinous mistakes.

Let's ask a different question:

Only one moderator seems to be aware of the alarm of the situation.

 

Either way, soon each and every tanker will have first hand knowledge of this onrushing cataclysm. 

Mr. Hog stated, (with a rather sad look in his eye), "If only it were chickens instead of walruses." He promptly burst into tears. However, a sinister character known as "Electro" has quite different thoughts. 

"I'm not even slightly afraid of Walruses... we've got Railguns for a reason." If only he knew how wrong he was. 

Edited November 29, 2015 by Contradiction

[BlueDragon_tamki 3,204]

This :lol:

lol

[rothro3 50]

                                             Tanki: Apocalypse*

               Panic ensued the English community as several tankers claimed they had witnessed signs foreboding the demise of the Tanki universe. Among them were gold boxes disappearing into thin air, battle funds that dropped, and graffiti scrawled around maps. Reactions were mixed at these announcements: Some refused to believe Tanki could end, others started searching for other MMOs, and still more ate their chicken while they battled their last(maybe) games. A few people simply relished everyone else's discomfort, such as MAFIOSO and Damn_slow, who enjoyed closing topic after topic created by worried tankers with Titles such as "Is Tanki really ending(doubter)", OMG is this happening", and "Devs please save Tanki." The development team has not disclosed anything as of yet. This has been rothro3 reporting.

*these events never happened are totally real!

Edited August 21, 2015 by rothro3