Contest [Issue 38] Can you Contribute to Tanki's Finest News Source? Returns!

[nightfury1254 2]

Possibility Of being to MLG?

 

Hello Tankers today tanker Nightfury1254 has been spotted no scoping with a shaft, and eating some russian fried chicken! Anyone who has spotted this MLG pro will be asked to eat doritos and drink mountain dew and sing the hit MLG song "Smoke weed every day" And quit tanki right away!

 

 

Sorry its short im on my phone!

[B.R.A.V.E 734]

Hammer Development - Inside Story

 

Since the player's demand for a new gun rised, development of a new gun was planned by the developers.

God Mode On gave up on making the new gun so semyon kirov had to call his childhood friend Thor.

He agreed to work with semyon on one condition ... " The new gun must be named "hammer" ".

so the development started, Community managers are busy trying to find the "correct " mechanism.

semyon says hammer would do one shot, maksim says three!...argument continues...

 

meanwhile, thor decides to try his own hammer on mammoth, he hits it once, alot of damage,

he picks his hammer again and another shot *boom*, more damage. and once again.

After that he waits to fill his stamina and stars action again :)

 

semyon inspired, took this idea to his "hammer mechanics"

and that is how hammer was born :D

Edited August 23, 2015 by B.R.A.V.E

[Michalus 182]

Secrets

 

Daily missions were added in the game at beautiful sunny day, birds were flying and singing, flowers were blooming. But dark storm was on the way. After couple of days storm arrived. Mission rewards were .. yes, that´s question. Where they are? Are they hidden in underground , they fled to another game or they were arrested for bank robbery? This secret is still undetermined.

 

Missions are still same, so, I don´t know, for example collect gold box. Chance to drop was "slightly" changed and gold boxes are dropping all the time. Jumping on hill and self-destructing is okay, self-destructing on polygon is okay, but self-destructing on sandbox? Maybe by mistake I pressed delete button and I don´t saw 10 seconds warning, so we will stop solving this secret.

 

Drinking fantastic cold cola, playing with best friends , it´s best thing in the game. So why I can´t take gold box when it drops on skyscrapers and I´m jumping from top?! Maybe I started lagging in moment when I jumped through gold box or my internet disconnected. Yes, I think it´s realistic.

_________________________________________________

 

Lot of secrets are waiting for solve, so buy hat, coat, magnifying glass and start solving them! 

 

Word count - 200

Hope it´s not horrible and only bad  :P 

[HHuey 5]

Confirmed: Daily Missions to be cut by 50%

     In a controversial decision yesterday, the Tanki administrators reached a consensus: the daily missions would now be available for half as long. “It was hard,” one top-level official admitted to me in an exclusive interview. “There’s a real culture that’s built up around these daily missions, and we’re not sure how people are going to take this.”

     But not everyone is as doubtful. A long-time administrator who has asked to stay anonymous says that “we feel that Tankers around the world might benefit from this decision. I’ve heard several concerns expressed that infinity is just too long for a single mission to last. Half that just makes much more sense.”

     When the news was announced yesterday, hundreds of Tankers took to the online forums to express their opinions. “Half is too much,” one wrote, adding a frowny face for emphasis. “There should be a low, incremental adjustment period. I don’t want to wake up in a few billion years and find my daily missions gone with no warning.”

     Other Tankers agree, some expressing concern over there not being a listed number. “I Googled how much half of infinity was,” another Tanker wrote in expressive light green, “and even Yahoo! Answers couldn’t tell me. I personally keep my favorite missions. I don’t like knowing that Missie’s lifespan has just been halved.”

     “The cost is also a concern,” top economist John Smith wrote in a blog post last Tuesday. “In order to halve infinity, they’re going to have to stop it. That’s going to take a few hundred grappling hooks, several fishing poles, and at least one harpoon gun. And even then, where are they going to find a cage big enough to keep it in?”

     “And what,” as an anonymous commentator on Dr. Smith’s blog asks, “do you do with the other half?”

Edited August 23, 2015 by HHuey

[replitaz_2 1]

That 'noob' that Nobody can Seem to Beat

 

Here on the Tanki Online news reporting station today, we have a story of an excellent tanker who nobody can seem to kill! So here is the story, a tank joins a Polygon CP battle with m2 dicator and m2 firebird - a pretty typical combo. He goes in to cap the point, but first puts on a double damage for good measure. He almost instantly destroys 3 of the 6 tanks that were sitting in the point. Just then, his armour starts failing... he drugs again, this time with a repair kit. As the point slowly changes from blue to red, the chat is flooded with words of hate in the Tanki world. "Noob drugger!", "Fak u fire", and "drugger fire". This goes on for about 5 minutes - with the dictator getting destroyed only a few times. Then a golden (that is really actually orange or brown) sign pops up at the top of the screen. Again, the chat is flooded with "gold!!", "no kill!", and "please let me have it!" (the low ranker). As the gold starts to fall, one could see repair kits being activated, people dying, and a dictator firebird approach the drop zone. With double damage, the tanker starts shooting and pushing. Hornets and wasps are being launched from the pile of slowly dying tanks, also destroyed by the deadly firebird. As the goldbox touches our friend the fire noob, once more, the chat is flooded with hate for that drugger firebird that nobody can seem to beat.

 

--replitaz_2

 

well here is my story, i hope it isn't too long, (I didn't count the words) and I hope it is amusing to the tanki community.

Edited August 23, 2015 by replitaz_2

[rtey31 51]

Tanki Online takes a big step, and stomps on something that everyone wanted

 

The new version of Tanki Online seems to have the business all planned; huge movie theaters so you can hang out with your girlfriend, extra toilets for some toddler tanks. There’s even a swimming pool, s̶o̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶c̶a̶n̶ ̶d̶r̶o̶w̶n̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶r̶ ̶t̶a̶n̶k̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶s̶e̶l̶f̶-d̶e̶s̶t̶r̶u̶c̶t̶ ̶e̶v̶e̶n̶ ̶f̶a̶s̶t̶e̶r̶ so you can just chill out with some prime vodka and stop ruminating about how many tanks you assassinated. Seems totally legitimate and impeccable right?

Wrong.

They forgot the most essential element of all, the one object that secures a soul to enable it to possess life. We can all identify what it is, can’t we? Chicken.   

Sure, at first sight, you might not think this would be a problem. Who cares? You might say.  But according to Kevred’s Fantastic Chicken, tanks, KFC, life, forum, KFC, gameplay, XP/BP battles, KFC, will all fade. Slowly, perhaps, but everything will shrivel and vanish without chicken.

Studies show that 96% of tankers will turn into a wasp and will rest in everlasting torment. Specialized cooks at KFC envision that the other small percentage will reincarnate in a vegetative state, spinach, R̶e̶m̶a̶i̶n̶e̶ Romaine, or something much worse.

 

Everyone, pray that Tanki Online adds chicken to the Unity Version, or your popcorn chicken may not be the only thing that will triggered.   

This has to get first.

[rtey31 51]

Miss Isida Revealed to be the Creator of Godmode_ON

 

“After much deliberation on how to do it, we have finally re-captured Miss Isida by the means of luring her with spare crystals we had (Fen’s, to be exact). We wanted to know what diabolical plan she had to take over Tanki this time. I’ll let Miss Isida tell the rest.”

 

rtey31: Sit down, Isida Woman.

Miss Isida: It’s Ms. Isida!

rtey31: Isida Woman, Ms. Isida, what’s the difference?

Miss Isida: Every single one of you reporters manages to butcher my name!

rtey31: Butcher? Since when is your name a pork chop?

Miss Isida: You’re even more clueless then Kevred and Kirby combined…

rtey31: Meh, I’ve been told worse things. Anyways, let’s get to the real issue here: Which is better: Vegemite or Marmite?

Miss Isida: Since I’m an Aussie, I have to go with Vegemite.

rtey31: Vegemite has 8 characters, Marmite has 7 characters, and Miss Isida has 9. Seeing that you like you like Vegemite more than Marmite, we’ll multiply Vegemite by 2 and divide Marmite by 2. That means Vegemite = 16 and Marmite = 4 (rounded up). If we add those two together, we get the number 20. Now, because “Miss Isida” has 9 characters, and 9 is an odd number, which cannot be divided by 2 evenly into whole numbers, we’ll do exactly that to that number 20 that we had. 20/2=10. And what’s the most famous thing that we have in the TO community that has 10 characters?

Miss Isida: This logic doesn’t make sense at all. It’s like you’re trying to prove I’m part of the Illuminati or something.

rtey31: That’s it! Illuminati! 10 characters!

Miss Isida: Great. Now I’m a part of the Illuminati.

rtey31: True, that does sound a little gimmicky.

rtey31: Wait! I got it! It’s Godmode_ON! That has 10 letters, too!

* Kevred busts down the door *

Kevred: Did I hear Foodmode_ON?!?!

rtey31: No, Kev! Go fetch!

* rtey31 throws a piece of chicken out the window, which Kevred starts running after, barking happily *

rtey31: Now that we got rid of him, let me ask you, Isida Woman, are you the creator of Godmode_On?

Miss Isida: What do you think?

rtey31: Wasp-Ricochet is what I think, but that’s irrelevant.

Miss Isida: Well, I’m not affiliated with Godmode_ON in any way.

rtey31: Fat chance. You two are the most known people in TO! (Apart from Kev and his mouth full of chicken)

Miss Isida: Look, if you don’t stop questioning me right now I’ll get Mr. Thunder to come after you when I’m out of here!

rtey31: It's obvious that you're lying, so I will stop asking questions, but it doesn’t look like you’re going to get out of here sane. I3rilliant, come in please!

I3rilliant: Coming in Sir yes Sir what shall I do Sir!

Miss Isida: First of all, can you look out the window and make sure that Kevred was ran over by a car?

rtey31: I would tell you not to take orders from Isida Ma’am, but I’d like you to do that, too, I3rilliant.

I3rilliant: Affirmative. Subject has been parked on by a Ferrari.

rtey31: Now, when I go out of the room, I’d like you to start singing your rendition of “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star”

I3rilliant: Will do, Sir.

* rtey31 slowly backs out of the room *

I3rilliant: Twinkle, twinkle, little star…

Miss Isida; Noooooooooooooooooo!

 

“Thanks for reading our interview with Isida Woman. Next time, we’ll have Miss Isida reaction to Kev's chicken addiction!”

 

582 words

 

Sorry this was so long, but I thought it would be appropriate. The Miss Isida article in Issue 28 had almost 1000 words!

Edited August 24, 2015 by rtey31

[r_MegaBlastZone0 0]

Drugs Found To Be Harmful To The Envionment

As many TO players use drugs (aka, supplies), they do not know the dangers of them to the environment. Not only is drugging frowned upon, but the smoke released from mines when they explode pollutes the air. The biproducts of using speed boosts also pollutes the air. Now to repair kits and double armor. Both a wrench and armor plates are made of metal. Mining the metal also pollutes the air. The metal that your tank is made of is enough. Double damage puts more explosives into your shots, putting more smoke in the air. So say NO to drugs.

[tankkipankki 72]

hmm 1st is very good deal but too lazy to participate :D

[Hex 11,520]

Kits helped the map who once, or still stutters

by

 

Why do I?! Red, is Red? WHAT?! Red.. Ah! Red Alert. My name is Red.., umm Alert Reddish..

"Not again...", the graceful map said.

Thanks to his surprise, a loyal Jackhammer came to his help, "Oh my, my, looks like you have a stuttering problem! Well tanki no more, I'm the finest, mapachenic in town". Shocked, the map said "K, haalp me nooooo...uuooob'' *ehem* *adjusts tie*, "I meant gol..d..d box plii..ss".

"Re..Rea..lly?! Agai...n.ewnn???"

"Oh well, this is gonna take MaCarlo more than expected, I should get a Raiden to help me" He drove off the map, and began a search for his good friend. Finally he found his pal dominating players in Red Alert DM. "Hey, raiden! Another Red Alert needs your help, come quick!", he shouted. Raiden, however, simply rejected and killed an Atlas.

 

And so, the battle of a lifetime started, the Jackhammer really wanted to help the map, but how? One day while going through the Madness Dimension, he stumbled upon a Legend, he yakked "OMG dude, follow me quick!" The Legend followed him back to Red Alert, the map said "Pla..aaes..ss, Pl.pl..eee..z!!" but he also failed. Meanwhile, rumors were going around the tankiverse that a Fortress, the best mapachenic was around. the Jackhammer, simply astonished, went out to look for him. The journey took him about 50 gallons of SemKirov Oil, which is known to be the best in the world.

 

Finally he found the Fortress, explained to him the problem. Fortress decided to help. Called in his three assistants, the Nomad, Paladin and Mosquito. Together, they travelled back to Red Alert, they battled hard, round the clock. Red Alert was becoming better day-by-day.

 

1 week of extreme tankicine and drugs passed, Red Alert was finally cured!

 

He yelled, "Th...thanka..aaiii..nk, yuuu...uuu...... doctor". "Oops", the Fortress went.

 

Approx. 270-290 words.

Edited August 27, 2015 by Hexed

[Rayyan 3,415]

 

Secrets

 

Daily missions were added in the game at beautiful sunny day, birds were flying and singing, flowers were blooming. But dark storm was on the way. After couple of days storm arrived. Mission rewards were .. yes, that´s question. Where they are? Are they hidden in underground , they fled to another game or they were arrested for bank robbery? This secret is still undetermined.

 

Missions are still same, so, I don´t know, for example collect gold box. Chance to drop was "slightly" changed and gold boxes are dropping all the time. Jumping on hill and self-destructing is okay, self-destructing on polygon is okay, but self-destructing on sandbox? Maybe by mistake I pressed delete button and I don´t saw 10 seconds warning, so we will stop solving this secret.

 

Drinking fantastic cold cola, playing with best friends , it´s best thing in the game. So why I can´t take gold box when it drops on skyscrapers and I´m jumping from top?! Maybe I started lagging in moment when I jumped through gold box or my internet disconnected. Yes, I think it´s realistic.

_________________________________________________

 

Lot of secrets are waiting for solve, so buy hat, coat, magnifying glass and start solving them! 

 

Word count - 200

Hope it´s not horrible and only bad  :P 

 

Awesome.

[rtey31 51]

Awesome.

Hi ray! I never though I'd see you here. Could you read my entry on page 6?

[Rayyan 3,415]

Hi ray! I never though I'd see you here. Could you read my entry on page 6?

Hi. @rtey31 , Your entry is great but i prefer it should be in a paragraph form not a play. Still good luck, The sense of humor is good. 

Edited August 25, 2015 by Quasar

[Link_1119 183]

gl to all but i suck at theese types of thing and what a waste of time if i didnt win :o

[iamthebadboy2 168]

Reserved.

[T3chio 18]

Panic is widespread globally as terrifying reports come in of mutating everyday objects

 

 

Although we've recently seen an increased amount of popularity in TO, participators were recently shocked (and) astounded to find that tanki is influential even in rubics cubes, here we have a picture of a normal everyday rubics cube that seems to be mutating,             

 

 

 

people laughingly talk and joke about "The apocalypse" and viruses taking over etc, but according to global reports that type of thing is now a reality as everyday objects from all over the world are slowly mutating into TO, this just in from china-

 

( 他在撒謊！不相信一句話，他說！該照片是Photoshop處理！)

( Tā zài sāhuǎng! Bù xiāngxìn yījù huà, tā shuō! Gāi zhàopiàn shì Photoshop chǔlǐ! )

 

(translation)

(we're undergoing a lot of stress here in china over increasingly frequent emergency calls from citizens claiming that they're tv's, cars, wall paper, you name it are now seeming to transform into what most people interpret as TO related material, officials are still investigating the cause of these complaints and will return with more information at a later date, meanwhile; any help on these mysteries would be appreciated)

Edited August 26, 2015 by T3chio

[105tangr 4]

ok i think i got last place  heres my try

 

 

 

Massive Alien Tank 

with UFO sightings

 

 

It has been said that a suspiciously HUGE tank has been walking the maps of noise.

however The Dictators sources say that this huge tank is one like aliens like to use, we even have been alerted about huge flying UFO sightings usually in noise. Some wasps doing parkour even once told us that in noise they where clibing the building in noise and boom a tractor beam shot out of the sky sucking every single wasp onboard. The Dictators finest reporters are still baffled by the idea of aliens in the TO world but... we have proof that the huge tank is one of them.. not only his tank is huge he wears a paint that was made by aliens and called alien was found on mars by the TO rover sent by TOMSR the paint now can be bought for 17K for this paint. its been also known as this tank speaks some weird language consisting of several letters it looks like this alien tank has been a particular  gold hunter, because of its huge hull it can easily crush tanks  when getting the gold. we are trying  our best to gather more info on this tank but one last thing... we named this newspaper after this... The Dictator..., however thats all we know about this huge ``dictator hull`` so we come back with more news every friday  goodbye( :

 

 

 

uh idk how much words this is but ik  its at least 100 words

 

i hid some clues in it and told the awnser at the end 

Edited August 26, 2015 by 105tangr

[battleboy9000 0]

                                        GoldBoxes removed from game?

Today I was playing tanki and it said gold box will be dropped soon 50 seconds later on sandbox the goldbox dropped (they lied to us they said it would be 30 seconds but no!) the goldbox dropped i was about to get it and when I did I didn't get any crystals then I looked at my video and i realized after zooming in on the bottom of the goldbox there was syemon kerov's (I think thats how you spell his name)  face  and a speach bubble that clearly said "NOT ANY MORE LOSERS! HAHA" when I saw this I simply swore and hit my head on the desk then smashed my computer =)                                                                                                                                                         

 

 

 

Jk this never really happend still using same computer but goldboxes are going to be removed from the game!

 

 

 

 

 

JK no they arent any way i have said to many jks 

 

 

 

 

 

JK u can never say too many Jks

 

 

 

 

JK =)

 

 

 

1 more time JK

 

 

 

ok once more 

 

 

 

 

JK

 

 

 

 

 

there last one JK

 

 

 

 

 

JK sorry that one was the last one please dont report this as spamm lol

[rtey31 51]

Hi. @rtey31 , Your entry is great but i prefer it should be in a paragraph form not a play. Still good luck, The sense of humor is good. 

It's that way because the Miss Isida articles before have become that way, but thanks for the encouragement.

[Rayyan 3,415]

It's that way because the Miss Isida articles before have become that way, but thanks for the encouragement.

Welcome, any time.

[timothy13 104]

Egg smashers

 

Hola guys,

 

​it is getting very annoying when people destroys your eggs. when i was sniping with railgun, i lay eggs everywhere because i am very messy soo people tend to crush them and the player dies in the process. then i had to lay more and more and more. As you all know, tanks are like chickens that lays eggs everywhere. i don't really like sniping but i do it anyway. i am more of a firebird. i always do grab and run and when someone follows with a short range, i get nervous and mistakenly lay an egg which takes 1 second to be breakable and they always fall for it. 

 

so i came up with this idea to take the advantage to use it to defend and i am always happy to use it. then i gave it a new name. Mine or Cookies.That made me more comfortable to use them. then that made me actually happy to poop them and most of the time, it turns into dust which i HATE SO MUCH. As usual, we all know the rules, LAY YOUR EGGS/mines close to your camping spot before making a camp fire (firing railgun, shaft, Vulcan, or smoky) hehehe :P  :P  :P  :P  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :ph34r:  :ph34r:  :ph34r:  :ph34r:

 

THAT'S ALL FOLKS

 

see ya and happy smashing or happy mining which ever is funnier

Edited September 15, 2015 by TriNitroToIuene

[ALI_UnBeaTablE_GT 0]

Splitter(mine) of tanks

 

 

I am a Tank Spitter because i calls mine a Spit  :lol: .

I spits every where and because of it everyone fall or BLAST :lol:  :lol:  :lol: .

I have skills to spit in correct way,time and place like an old man.

Some jelous players says dont spit every where its a Crime and keep your city Clean.

but I told Them I am Not A City Cleaner.

Split on GOLDBOX area is fun.

everyone start copying me and they told i have M3 of split,I told them but my rank is LOW.i always told them that i will never leave splitting. LOL :)  ;)  :P  :D  :rolleyes: 

 

If You Laugh Then Like Please.

 

 

 

 

Vote mine i will vote yours

 

 

~ALI_UnBeaTablE_GT

[manofbelgium 18]

Shocking explosion in industrial zone: 1 death confirmed

 

An explosion has shocked an industrial zone near Molotov last Thursday. Experts say this very explosion had a power of 27kg trinitrotoluene, comparable to the explosive force of a wasp upon death. After a lot of discussion, they have concluded that it is highly likely that the explosion was caused by a ball of plasma from outer space. This plasma subsequently hit a wasp M4 with a mass of 2.2tons which found himself at ground zero. The wasp has been comfirmed dead. Eye witnesses have tweeted that this explosion was visible from anywhere you could see it.

 

Authorities have also stated that this particular industrial zone will be made less susceptible to plasma from outer space in the future. This will be achieved by reinforcing the skybox. The project will only cost 2.3 billion crystals. You can see that the developers use the taxes you pay for necessary maintenance and safety.

 

Critics say the plasma came out of a ricochet, but this has been dismissed by public opinion. They also stand firm that any reasonable person knows that this explosion was just a ricochet destroying a wasp M4 in an ordinary battle. Poor reasonable persons. They are brainwashed by critics. That’s why I stopped being a reasonable person.

 

You will only be protected from small balls of plasma from outer space in one particular industrial zone as from 1st January 2489, not against plasma from ricochets, twins, or defective evil microwave ovens. This article is not responsible for any misunderstandings of the events which took place last Thursday. The wasp respawned after 10 seconds. Ignore this fact; You also do not know that my secret base from which I try to take over the world is located at N51.23313, E4.20584, a place known as flystable.

Edited August 26, 2015 by manofbelgium

[Daniel898 327]

This has to get first.

Hopefully :P.

 

Thank you.

[opidude 437]

Are we only allowed to make one entry?