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[Issue 39] Editorials


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Who Are the Tanki Gods?

 

With all the improbable events that happen on a daily basis in this game, it’s impossible for them all to be random occurrences. They must be caused by the Gods of Tanki, who look down on our game from their celestial temples in Kubinka, Aberdeen, Saumur, Bovington, and similar places. As a public service, I’ll name a few of the better-known Tanki gods, so you can better understand the power behind the oddities that go on in the course of a typical round of Tanki Online.

 

Narcus: the god of druggers. All tankers who pop a supply box from their garages are worshiping Narcus, whether they know it or not. He is pleased with such offerings, and shows his favor by turning the most devoted drug addicts into unstoppable agents of destruction who just won’t die as they run up 21-0 killing sprees. Casual drug users never seem to reap this blessing; they get one or two extra kills when they use a supply, and then they die like all the rest. That is because Narcus knows who his true disciples are, and the wannabe’s don’t fool him for a moment. There is a price to pay for Narcus’ blessing – you will be called “drugger” wherever you go, and you will be hated by everyone else (except by fellow Narcus-worshipers). Once you start down the road that leads to Narcus’ temple, there is no turning back.

 

Slowth: the evil god of lag. Slowth is the most hated of all the Tanki gods. He watches all the servers and battles across the world, and if any Tanki player displeases him for any reason, he punishes that player and everyone else in that player’s battle by slowing their connections down to a snail-like crawl. He is also responsible for the FPS red-zone failures that make your tank almost uncontrollable for minutes at a time. No mortal knows exactly what kinds of things displease him, and he cannot be moved by prayers or appeased by sacrifices. The only thing he respects is pure stubbornness; if you don’t quit, but keep playing in spite of his divine curse, he will eventually relent and let you play normally. For a while. Maybe.

 

Aura: the goddess of gold boxes. This beautiful, white-robed, golden-haired deity decides when and where the boxes will fall. But don’t let her fair appearance fool you – she can be kind and generous one moment, capricious and chaotic the next, and remote and unreachable a minute after that. Sometimes, she seems to take a perverse delight in setting off mad scrambles that become more important than anything else in the game, even though a gold box won’t buy even a single micro-upgrade for a high-ranked player. At other times, she’ll drop a box in a remote corner, just to see how long it takes before someone finds it. Sometimes she honors the prayers of those who beg her for a gold box, and sometimes she pays them no attention. But anyone who asks for gold in the name of an admin will be coldly ignored. Aura is a goddess, not an admin, and everyone knows that admins don’t drop gold boxes. (You all know that, right?)

 

Low-Key Loki: the god of bugs and glitches. This mischievous deity is the one to blame when tiny, irritating things go wrong within the game. Did you drive right through a double-damage box without picking it up? It’s Low-Key Loki’s fault. Did your weapon suddenly stop doing damage when it hits someone? It’s Low-Key messing with you again. Did your tank self-destruct for no apparent reason? Low-Key is laughing at you. Trying to appease him is a waste of time, because the only thing he cares about is making players tear their hair and scream at their computer. Tormenting us is a game to him, and he plays to win.

 

Nova: the goddess of noobs. Did you ever wonder how noobs are able to survive the intense competition in this game? It’s because Nova is protecting them. She watches over all those benighted souls who turn the chat window into a dating site, refuse to turn their turrets, and bring a Shaft to an Arena deathmatch. She lures damaged tanks right in front of her subjects for easy kills, and distracts enemy Railguns to make them shoot at more worthy targets and leave her worshipers alone. She is not responsible for the large numbers of noobs in the game (they’re probably breeding in the sewers), but every time a noob flips himself or shoots a tank that’s already dead, it increases her power and influence. Thus, her power and influence are without limits.

 

Crys: the goddess of buyers. If no one ever bought crystals, the developers would have to find other jobs, the servers would be turned off, and there would be no Tanki Online. But if people suspect a player of committing the unpardonable sin of buying crystals, they launch an immediate witch hunt. “Buyer!” they shout, as though this was worse than being a noob, a drugger, and a hacker all put together. Who gives the unfortunate crystal-buyer the strength to go on? He turns to Crys, who gives courage and tenacity in the face of persecution (and also gives double-crystal bonus cards). Crys is the consort of Narcus, because many buyers spend their crystals on drugs, so the two go together.

 

Smytus: the god of admins. It is Smytus who gives his servants the power to administer warnings, bans, and blocks to the unfaithful and the heretics. He also gives admins the patience to endure the same question from thirty players a day (“No, I can’t give you a password for the test server!”) without losing their cool. It takes a special kind of person to take on the extra responsibility of an admin, with nothing in return except a special paint that doesn’t protect you against anything, so the admins lean hard on Smytus to keep them from going crazy. Smytus doesn’t require any special worship or sacrifices from his followers; the sacrifices in time and effort that most admins make anyway are enough for him.

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