Other [Issue 40] A Spectator's View of Humanity: Music!

[sonofchrysalis3 3,719]

Playing Tanki for over a year now has fashioned me into one of its most passionate connoisseurs. I have discovered various things that can be enjoyed along with the game to enhance the experience, such as soft, bluish lighting and a nice platter of Havarti cheese.

 

Recently I realized how much better the game becomes when I turn off the battle sounds and play my favorite music instead. Sure, I don’t hear the Gold Box siren, but the overall mood of the game improves. I could be getting my flank kicked in a Subway DM, but I won’t notice it a bit because Purple Noise by NineCloud fits the map so well.

 

In my quest to find the perfect musical accompaniment for each map, I decided to venture into a genre that I really didn’t know much about: Human music. I used some radio apps I found online to pipe in people playlists as I played at Parma. Pardon me.

 

In all my life, I have never heard anything remotely similar to human music. The sound, the rhythm, the harmony... it all adds up to something that truly inspired me.

 

To puke, that is.

 

I really cannot fathom how you people can possibly stand this garbage. I mean, it is really, genuinely sickening! Every song is exactly the same, regardless of style, artist, or time period. As I suffered through the worst three hours of Tanki I’ve ever played, I identified several major things that make human music as tolerable as being immolated.

 

Before I begin, please please PLEASE don’t tell Twilight that I wrote this. I don’t want her editing it like she did Gold Please, Admin?  That could’ve been so much funnier if she hadn’t stuck her unrequested hoof in. Okay, here we go....

 

1.) Uneducated

 

I was taught in kindergarten that how you speak determines how others view you. If you speak like you are smart, then you will be viewed as a smart pony.

 

And if you speak like a nauseated gorilla that’s hacking an asthmatic aardvark to bits with a pile of very volatile water balloons, you’ll be viewed as a rather not-so-smart pony.

 

If breaking a grammatical rule was considered a felony, then every singer, songwriter, and harmonica player on your planet would be serving multiple life sentences. There is no excuse for such ignorance. The sad fact is that human children pay more attention to celebrities than school, so NOT ONLY are said professional song-slingers guilty of assaulting my poor ears with their maggot-infested musical mumbo-jumbo, they are ALSO guilty of teaching the innocent next generation that it’s hip to talk like a complete moron.

 

2.) Fraud

 

I should’ve put this first. This is really the worst problem I find with modern human music.

 

EVERY. FREAKING. SONG. that I listened to exhibited this appalling characteristic. For a full three hours, I counted how many did NOT, and the grand total was exactly zero. What was the problem, you ask?

 

The problem was the theme. The theme was invariably “love”.

 

I saw that look on your face! That was hilarious! “BUT STRATUS!” you screech, “WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY HAVE AGAINST LOVE?!”

 

Nothing. I have positively nothing against love. I’m a changeling; I literally eat the stuff, for crying out loud.

 

Provided that it’s real.

 

You whisper and coo about love like you know what it means. It is in practically every line of lyrics, but the singer probably couldn’t explain it if asked. Love is when you work your hooves to the bone for the good of someone who could never repay you, and you don’t WANT to be repaid. Love is putting your life in danger so someone else can stay safe. Love is standing out in the cold until your blood freezes solid so someone else can stay warm.

 

Would any of you human singers do that for the person you drool over in your pathetic little ditties?

 

I didn’t think so. You aren’t singing about REAL love, the stuff that binds families, communities, and civilizations together. And I can’t say what you are really singing about, either, because the forum rules say I can’t.

 

Human music is guilty of marketing fake love.

 

3.) Lawless

 

Another despicable element of your kind’s music, while not as frequently present, is even more dangerous than promoting fraudulent love: anarchy.

 

Before I begin this point, let me quickly rebut the one or two readers who are wondering what’s wrong with anarchy.

 

Anarchy is chaos. A hurricane is chaos. Hurricane Katrina, which hit the American state of Louisiana in 2004, killed multitudes of people, left legions homeless, and cost bookoodles of money. So anarchy is a good thing?

 

Let me help you there: no, it isn’t.

 

Back to the point. During my three-hour torture session, I heard several songs that glorified the act of breaking various rules of operating a motor vehicle. I mean they literally GLORIFIED them, not just excused them.

 

Other songs spoke of disturbing the peace and resisting the peacekeeping acts of law enforcement as if it’s good, right, and fun to do so.

 

“Well, those nasty neighbors should quit trying to make us turn down our music. We’re just trying to have a party,” says the inconsiderate man-child who throws a tantrum any time an enemy uses a repair kit. Have you had your diaper changed recently? Just wondering, ‘cause I’m starting to smell some hypocrisy.

 

Laws exist for a reason. Musical... pardon me, trying not to laugh here... “artists” who break those laws will find that jail exists for a reason, too.

 

4.) Repetitive

 

What made an unpleasant music-sampling experiment a tormentous experience? Every song was exactly the same. Oh, sure, the voices were different, the lyrics were somewhat different, but when you boil it all down, you get one predictable template, no matter the singer or style of music.

 

Here, my friends and fellow music critics, is the Doctrine of Usual Human Music (D.U.H.M.):

 

If the singer is male, the theme of the song is:

 

“I love you/her.”

 

“I’m sorry I cheated on you/her.”

 

“I’m so proud because all the girls want me.”

 

If the singer is female, the theme of the song is:

 

“I love you/him.”

 

“I hate you/him for cheating on me.”

 

Occasionally, when a full moon shines on a filing cabinet factory and awakens an albino giraffe who then invents a way to paint the sky purple, you will hear a song that violates the D.U.H.M. template.

 

I also noticed the tiny vocabulary that was used to write these sloppy songs. You can search far and wide, listen to hundreds of songs, and never hear a song that doesn’t use at least one of these words in practically every verse:

 

Most Used Words in Human Lyrics:

 

a.) Love

 

I already talked about this. The theme of love might be moderately interesting for the first ten songs you hear, but when you get to the forty million mark, love is a concept you’d like to see abolished just so you don’t have to listen to it anymore.

 

b.) Baby

 

This is pure insanity. If I were to walk up to you and call you a baby, you would be very insulted, right? So why is calling someone a baby in a song considered romantic?  I don’t know, either.

 

c.) Night

 

Not quite sure why you people are so obsessed with nighttime. I was nocturnal for over half of my life, and I can tell you that it’s just as great as daytime. Yet, for some reason, I feel pretty sure that a song about something that happens in the daytime will never be written.

 

d.) Yeah/Yes

 

Positive, affirmative, precisely, correct, true, I agree, yah darn tootin’. Many ways of expressing the word “Yes”, yet none are utilized. And if you think about it, over half of the instances in which “Yeah” or “Yes” are used make exactly no sense. Why would anyone scream “Yeah” over and over again after he/she just sang about how nicely trimmed someone else’s fingernails are? Because the person is a two-bit singer, that’s why.

 

e.) Girl

 

This is more prevalent in pop and country than the other styles. I had my big sister Altus listen to a variety of human songs, and she grew more and more agitated with every mention of the word “girl”.

 

News flash, slop-writers: those girls you’re trying to appeal to actually find you very unappealing.

 

f.) Money

 

Rappers spit this word in every line. “I’ve got money and it’s stacked to the roof!” Yeah? Well, you wanna know what I’ve got in abundance? Happiness. Contentment. Purpose. Genuine love.

 

Stratus 4, (c )rappers 1. I win!

 

g.) Club/Party

 

I have noticed that, if someone is singing about where he is, he does not choose to sing about being at work, or home with his family, or at a ball game, or on his computer playing Tanki, or anywhere else other than that infernal “club”. I can’t mention a single thing that goes on in a club without violating the forum rules, which is a pretty obvious indicator that nothing good goes on in a club.

 

* * * * * * * *

 

So I rest my (first) case: mainstream human music simply isn't fit to accompany the devoted tanker on his travels. Now for my second point:

 

What makes a good Tanki tune?

 

a.) As few lyrics as possible

 

Every song has a story to tell. The very nature of music is a message with a melody; an emotion or experience that is conveyed with more artistic depth and poetic rhythm than free verse is capable of.

 

Musical pieces containing lyrics have an established meaning. The words that the singer uses, and how those words are used, determine the character and purpose of the song.

 

In a musical piece without lyrics, you provide the message.

 

Consider, for instance, the jogger trotting down the sidewalk with an MP3 player. Jogging music is commonly wordless because the jogger's experience gives it meaning. Jogging in time with music is motivational because the song becomes your song.

 

The same is true when playing Tanki. Listen to a song and your gameplay becomes the lyrics.

 

b.) Long enough to last a good portion of a battle

 

This is a little obvious. Build yourself a lengthy playlist  or find one on YouTube.

 

Here is where I announce that I did, after an agonizing search, find some human music that fit the game very well. I looked up "good gaming music" on YouTube and found a long list of videos, many of them containing words like dubstep and speedcore. The playlists were often over an hour long, so I put them in the background as I played. They were wordless for the most part, and when they did speak, they were not at all like your mainstream music.

 

After surging through the best Kungur CTF of my life, I promptly beat my head on my desk over and over. I could've skipped all the heartache and headache of listening to online radio if only I had done the simple thing and searched for "gaming music"!

 

c.) Appropriate instrumentals for the battle mode

 

You wouldn't listen to Vivaldi while slinging lead in a heart-pounding Island CP, just as you wouldn't listen to Thy Art is Murder during a casual parkour party with a few friends. The music you pick will affect your performance, so pick some with tempo that will fit the mood of what you're playing.

 

 

* * * * * * * *

 

If you, dear reader, have a dream of one day becoming a singer, instrument-player, or any other type of musical artist, go for it. You have practically no competition. Human music is in desperate need of a reboot. Songs like “Radioactive” by Imagine Dragons and “Fight Song” by Rachel Platten stand out above the rest because they are unique, quality works of art that refuse to conform to the moth-eaten mold of monotonous mainstream music. If you have a message to send, one that doesn’t involve HOW MUCH I LOOOVE YOU BAYBEEE, then you have what it takes to change the horrible smush that everyone is beyond tired of listening to.

 

I know you humans can change if you try. Those gaming playlists I found in the dustiest corners of the internet are proof that your kind can generate meaningful melody without repetition or moral incompetence. I'll check in on a human radio app every now and then to see how you are doing.  ;) 

 

Edited January 7, 2018 by Hexed

[Darren4Turbo 4,913]

Well written pony :)

 

Why won't you make a pony signature instead of a heart one? cause you're a lover of ponies, LOL.

[sonofchrysalis3 3,719]

Well written pony :)

 

Why won't you make a pony signature instead of a heart one? cause you're a lover of ponies, LOL.

Erm... that signature is my cutie mark....

[Quarks 2,255]

The best battle music bands that I can think of ( this includes solo artist)

LInkin Park

Skillet

Rapture Ruckus

Fall out boy

Lecrae

Andy Mineo

KB, sometimes

Family Force 5

Imagine Dragons

Edited September 18, 2015 by Quarks

[BlazingCoder 108]

Hmmmm-hmmmmm

Havarti Cheese.

[Kevred 1,586]

 

The best battle music bands that I can think of ( this includes solo artist)

LInkin Park

Skillet

Rapture Ruckus

Fall out boy

Lecrae

Andy Mineo

KB, sometimes

Family Force 5

Imagine Dragons

 

Check out thesecession ;)

Edited September 19, 2015 by Kevred

[anuclearbomb 220]

a radio app? interesting... ... 

 

Check out thesecession ;)

kerved omg wahh, where have you been (explosions in the background) gosh,  i feel like a fangirl, witch is bad, cause i am male...

[TriNitroToIuene 4,765]

 

The best battle music bands that I can think of ( this includes solo artist)

 

Skillet

 

 

Do you mean Skrillex?

 

Oh and by the way, stratus, don't listen to any song which contains the word 'dubstep' in it :P When I listen to gaming music, I try and limit it to Skrillex and Knife Party.

[Erty1235_tanki 44]

I agree with you 100%. Personally I prefer classical music over any other type.(playing the violin and all). Try out the music Blue Planet it's not your everyday classical music. Great article. :) :D

 

Note that you may have trouble finding the music but you'll know when you find it as it is very unique, it's better for some calmer gameplay. Enjoy! :D When I mean trouble finding it I mean it's really hard. I can't find it again sadly :( but anyways it's a great piece of music. :) :D

 

Btw Vivaldi four seasons is one of my favorites. :)

Edited September 19, 2015 by Erty1235_tanki

[kostas604 106]

Check out car radio by twenty one pilots! It's not a gaming one but it has amazing lyrics!

 

EDIT: I love radioactive too, but I have get a bit bored of it. I really enjoy it live though.

Edited September 19, 2015 by kostas604

[TriNitroToIuene 4,765]

Well, for parkour, I prefer listening to really catchy beats along the lines of reggae, for example - Ragga Bomb by Skrillex. It really gives me goosebumps.

[sonofchrysalis3 3,719]

Ah, goosebumps, you say. Well, when I want goosebumps as I play, which is actually never, I simply grab myself... an ice block. Works better than anything.

[TriNitroToIuene 4,765]

Ah, goosebumps, you say. Well, when I want goosebumps as I play, which is actually never, I simply grab myself... an ice block. Works better than anything.

:blink: :P

[golden5648 1,686]

Something which I have learned from different reporters, which fonts to use! ;P

[TriNitroToIuene 4,765]

Something which I have learned from different reporters, which fonts to use! ;P

Yeah, I suppose so :P In this case, I guess Stratus is using Verdana. Shedi prefers Trebuchet MS for all his articles while I am a big fan of Tahoma.

[greyat 2,972]

I was coerced into using Tahoma for one of my articles last issue.

Also, classical music is great - the best in my opinion, not just while playing Tanki, but anywhere and everywhere.

[DarkShadow916 304]

Do you mean Skrillex?

 

Oh and by the way, stratus, don't listen to any song which contains the word 'dubstep' in it :P When I listen to gaming music, I try and limit it to Skrillex and Knife Party.

*faceplam Skillet is a Rock Band dude :D

[E.Leclerc 1,887]

I never understand these stories... :(

[Halinator 52]

I don't listen to these types of music, but my annoying *cough* *cough* friends do. I mean honestly, when I'm listening to it, I feel like thousands of bombs are going off in my ear.

 

Classical music (especially the ones by Johann Friedrich Franz Burgmüller) can turn you into a relaxed and calm tanker from a bloodthirsty, murderous, serial killer (no really, I'm not joking).

[anuclearbomb 220]

I don't listen to these types of music, but my annoying *cough* *cough* friends do. I mean honestly, when I'm listening to it, I feel like thousands of bombs are going off in my ear.

 

Classical music (especially the ones by Johann Friedrich Franz Burgmüller) can turn you into a relaxed and calm tanker from a bloodthirsty, murderous, serial killer (no really, I'm not joking).

and what's wrong with being a serial killer? i mean aside from the killing, it's normal.

(the FBI have now tuned in)

[sonofchrysalis3 3,719]

By the way, I used "MS Reference Sans Serif" font to write this article.

[Halinator 52]

and what's wrong with being a serial killer? i mean aside from the killing, it's normal.

(the FBI have now tuned in)

Wouldn't it be the Department of Homeland Security, not the FBI?

[rtey31 51]

I absolutely agree with this. It's like everything I think about music rolled into one article! Upvote on this one.

[r_tanki_09_tanki0 0]

Awesome article Stratus! You truly know how to use words. I wish I could write like you.... :unsure:

[Hex 11,520]

Good article! Keep it up :D

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