Other [Issue 41] The Tanki Online Bucket List: 15 Things You've Gotta Have Done

[Kevred 1,586]

 

It’ll always happen. The end of the road. The last straw. The end of the line. Or, more simply, the end. Everyone will leave Tanki and it’s community behind at some point, to embrace a future devoid of the burden of game addiction. Blissfully unaware of all the things they could’ve done.

However, if you’re reading this, that means you haven’t yet decided to abandon the game, and thus will find some usefulness in the upcoming lines for I have decided to compile a list of things any tanker wishing to have the full Tanki Experience should undertake before ending his career in the game. Some are as easy and simple as taking candy from a baby, and others are as painful as taking candy from a baby then meeting its weightlifting-mother. It’s up to you to decide if you’ll risk a ban, public ridicule, unforgettable painful memories and utter waste of crystals to acquire the rights to claim that you have officially done everything a tanker could do.

So, give yourself the mindset of a dauntless warrior and read on, because you only live once!

 

 

1. Join a Clan

Because with great power comes great trolling potential

 

Quite obviously this is first on the list. It doesn't matter at if you embrace eSports and can't live without them or if you think eSports are worse than Dora the Explorer - clans aren't just for the aspiring professional gamer. They provide many, many benefits that are almost to long to list:

1. Arguments with friends

2. Arguments with enemies

In addition to the extensive list of bonuses listed above, clans are the gateway to limitless hours of trolling. Start off a conspiracy theory of how you think the leader is such and such and that the co-leader did that and this and how this guy hates that girl 'cause she punched some noob and then this guy called the noob army and soon enough you will be able to watch the clan topic be spammed without you needing to move a finger.

 

Clans are also the best place to blow off some steam surrounded by your super-duper-best-friends, to show off your undeniable skills in 1 v 1 XP, or simply to enjoy a friendly game with your online family. Not only that, but these online agglomeration of tankers are also a great way to meet and socialize with other clans, making new friends and starting huge fights that usually get everyone banned.
 

Another awesome thing about clans is clan wars: places where you can start huge fights without getting anyone banned this time (although be warned; the argument that starts after that will). After a war, you can be sure you’ll be left speechless! (quite literally)

As for me? Well, if Kyle224 hasn’t kicked me for inactivity yet, then

 

2. Don’t join a Clan

Because nobody wants others to steal their glory

 

if you narrowed your eyes in confusion then y’all owe me a nug nug

If you have been in a clan for as long as you could remember, then you’re definitely missing out on a lot of stuff. Not having to attend training. Not having to have a time converter tab open 24/7. Not having to be forced to participate in wars. Not having to beg to participate in wars. Honestly, if you’re currently a member of a clan, try taking a break from it. You may just like the sudden freedom.

 

If curiosity and the promise of freedom isn't good enough a reason, then maybe the Erudite in you will like to know that there is much knowledge to be found in the act of leaving a clan. For example, did you know the average clan leader will take 12.5 insults before he kicks you out? Fascinating!

 

 

3. Witness the Point of Life (warning: love-oriented content)

Because the point on the 'i' doesn't satisfy you anymore
 

An emotional moment charged with smiles, tears, and trolls’ laughter. I’ll let the images do the rest.

 

(in purple the lovee, and in blue the lover)

 

 

4. Witness the destruction of the Point of Life*

Because good things always have an end

 

An emotional moment charged with tears, and trolls’ laughter. I’ll let the images do the rest.

 

 

*note that these were my school friends. Thus, I have no regrets in making fun of them. And I'll have no regrets in punching anyone who complains about it. Thank you.

 

 

5. Witness the Point of Life get as complicated as everyone expects it to be

Because sometimes the end just isn't enough

 

A non-emotional moment charged with trolls’ laughter. Ill let the ima- sorry, but covering all the names and the profanities in the following screenshot won't work due to the cramped space and Apple's image editing program's utter lameness. Thus, I recopied below the chat word by word, note that there may be occasional cursing, although a few words that I deemed too strong have been replaced with...less offensive terms (in italic). >:-) ahh its fun making fun of your friends..................I'm so going to be dead after this.

 

Lovee: -censored- you creep

OtherGirl#1: Lol sorry bro i dont like you

Lover: Close your little duck mouth I wasn't talking to u i was talking to him

Me: er, him?

Me: xD

OtherGirl#1: LOL

RandomGuy#1: are you oriented towards the other gender?

Lovee: no he's a girl you slightly less smart individual

Me: who is?

Lover: -censored- shut up

Lovee: you

RandomGuy#1: me?

OtherGirl#1: no me god 

Lovee: no kev

Me: wat I'm not a girl ._.

Lovee: no not that

Me: who's a girl?

OtherGirl#1: me

Lovee: me

RandomGuy#1: WAT but that means he is oriented towards the other gender! LOL

 

...and the chat continued for quite some time. The lesson? Don't search for the point of life. It usually leads up to embarrassment  rejection, and other unpleasant things.

 

 

6. Actually acquire some crystals from the referral system

Because getting crystals from your friends all whilst they think you're inviting them because you want to play with them; count me in!

 

Once you’ve figured out that making an alt account and play on it to acquire crystals for your main through the referral system is actually less productive than simply using your main, you should begin focusing on using the system the way it’s supposed to be used. In fact, I have here a pro tip to help you:

1. Copy all email contacts.

2. Paste all email contacts in referral system

3. Send

With just a bit of luck you’ll get a few tankmates out of that, and the amount of infuriated spam complaints won’t be too high. Good luck, and remember, here comes the boom! At least I think that's what Tanki's winning slogan entry was.

 

 

7.  Join the Game’s Staff

Because who doesn't want to surround his tank in toilet paper or fit fit his tank with a pyjama?

 

Joining the Staff is an inviting perspective for most people. Helping out the people of the Tanki community, making the game a better environment, entertaining a loving public of readers, who wouldn't want to join the Staff (and yes, yes there are the crystals too. But no one cares about those, am I right?)

Unfortunately it isn’t that simple. The Administration is only looking for the best of the best, and usually 50% of the candidates are left in the misery of defeat and hopelessness (the other 50% is busy spamming the admins with PMs to try and revert their decision). As such, someone who has made it through the qualifications can allow himself to visualize a generally pleasant (and crystal-filled - I’d never forget about the money!) career. but of course, us Reporters are always working round-the-clock to provide the best quality stuff for our unappreciative awesome public!

 

Don’t you worry though! If you haven’t figured it out yourself yet, this article isn’t only a handy list, it’s also a practical guide made especially for you, our adored and favorite readers. There are multiple methods to pass qualification (with varying levels of success).

1. Be honest and do your best

2. Smooch your staff friends

3. Copy someone else’s application

4. Beg and beg and beg and beg and beg and beg and beg and beg and beg and beg and beg and beg and beg and beg and beg and beg and beg and beg and beg and beg and beg*

*I actually typed all that by hand - that’s how hardworking us Reporters are

And, if all that failed, you can always donner le tout pour le tout and do it like real men*:

 

 

*If you comment that that's sexist I will punch you

 

 

8. Catch a Gold Box

Because it's good POTD material

 

Nothing can compare to the sudden adrenaline rush that courses through your body as soon as the sirens wail. Everything other than the battlefield is blocked out of your mind, and only after the Gold Box is caught do you realize your frantic heartbeat. This preparation for battle your body gives you is then finished off by either a fist pumped in the air (accompanied with shouts of joy and rapid running in circles in more extreme cases), or a sad, depressed frown. Then, the feast of rapidly succeeding emotions is topped with a moment of unbounded laughter as you completely loose your faith in humanity, watching cuss words, “noob!” and other tasty treats appear one by one in the chat. Nifty stuff.

Of course, it’s also possible you fail, smash your computer, swear like you mean it and get a lifetime ban.

 

 

9. Watch 1 Person Fail

Cuz its funnie

 

Poor guy was right under the 6k Gold. Would’ve gotten it, too, had my mine not been there. So it’s a “Check!” for me.

 

 

10. Watch 10 People Fail

Because where one fails ten fail

 

I saw more than 10 people post on TriNitroToluene’s farewell topic. Check!

 

 

11. Watch 100 People Fail

Because 10 times the stupidity equals 100

 

There were more than 100 downvotes on the Tanker’s Day topic. Check!

 

 

12. Watch 1000 People Fail

Because humanity is dumb

 

There's gonna be at least 1000 people that will hate Tanki Unity. I mean, not everyone loves the children-and-flowers graphics, right?

 

 

13. Watch one Million People Fail

Because there's gotta be at least one thing that isn't Tanki-related. Yep, that's totally the only reason.

 

 

 

If it's there, that means more than one million people searched it. And that's. Very. Disturbing. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And we wonder why the aliens never visit us...

 

 

But maybe humanity has some hope left. Some.

 

 

 

14. Be Part of a Second Family

Because second families don't restrict your gaming time

 

Second families are no rare sight in Tanki. They can range anywhere from 2-people tandem teams to 100-people clans. Families are a place where the average tanker can rest, chat, or simply share what’s on his mind. His “family members” will be there to support him in difficult times or praise him in happy times. So, whether you want to join the 2-people Help Desk team that try to help people around the world or the 77-people “Tanki Hangout V2.2” Skype chat that tries to destroy everyone’s childhood, go for it! You have nothing to lose!

 

 

15. Read the EULA in it’s entirety

Because knowledge is power, and power is trolling

 

Ouf. That sure is a handful, isn’t it? Indeed, I - cruelly - reserved the most difficult for the end of the list. Not many tankers read it and survived to tell the tale, and those who did are venerated as “Pros”. The best way to go about reading the whole thing is piece by piece. A word or two the first day, a bit more the next day, and so on. And remember, no one said you had to understand what you were reading. Just do what you always do with EULAs and Privacy Policies and whatnot when it comes to downloads and such: tick the “I read everything!” checkbox, and proceed (that checkbox is as useful as a tall Fen-Harel).

 

 

 

 

The title indicated there were 15 things you just gotta have done, and thus we reach the end of the list. Some items are obviously more difficult than others (WHO ACTUALLY READS THE EULA??), but none of them are unnacomplishable. All it takes is practice and self-confidence money and contacts. I came up with most of the items on this list by digging deep in my personal experiences, so I’ve got quite a bit out of the way. What about you? How many things have you already accomplished? if you say you read the eula I want your school name, your address, your parent’s name, and the weight of your brain at birth

Edited July 29, 2017 by Hexed

[Yisroel.Rabin 16,224]

Funny as always Kev :LOL: Nice job.

[Flexoo 6,980]

Haven´t read whole article, but daaang  I´m looking forward to solve the mystery  (* 14 things in the first picture, 15 things in the title)

[yoshi-1 1,096]

Ahahahahaha :D :D :D

[DanTheKiller1 2,889]

"I actually read the EULA"

 

Said noone ever

[Zenyth 6,494]

omg that's sexist

 

good bucket-list haha

 

Edited October 2, 2015 by Zenyth

[beaku 2,656]

I have read whole of EULA, privacy policy and Game rules multiple times. ._.

Almost everyone reads it at least once, don't they?

[lukey0 27,543]

I have read whole of EULA, privacy policy and Game rules multiple times. ._.

Almost everyone reads it at least once, don't they?

Umm. .-. I looked at the scroll bar on the side and went....NOPE.

 

---

Wonderful article, very well written and humorous. ;)

 

[Ambitious 2,084]

Humorous!

[Penguin40 1,714]

Really funny, Kev.

 

i've read the End User License Agreement. K? And school name? Call me a fish.

[momy950666 960]

hhaahahahah

[genak138 950]

 if you say you read the eula I want your school name, your address, your parent’s name, and the weight of your brain at birth

 

-Edited-

Be careful where you post your personal information please! ~Kev

 

Edward

3 pounds 2 ounces

 

:P

 

Edited October 4, 2015 by Kevred

[xX_I.Love.Her_Xx 2,650]

*If you comment that that's sexist I will punch you

 

 

hahahahhaha x'D

[AN_602 280]

thumbs up m8

[MJROCKS05 428]

Hahahah

 

 *If you comment that that's sexist I will punch you

 

[Shellfire_tanki 1,820]

awesome topcic, can't say I've done all of them but I'll give it a go!!!

[suhas_best 334]

Awesome topic kevred. those people who searched that on google are "WOW we seriously need such people in the world to maintain the balance between hardwork and stupidity"  :D  :P

[suhas_best 334]

One more to be added lol:

 

SEE THE DID YOU MEAN SECTION OMG XD

 

Now that is called sexist :D

Edited October 4, 2015 by suhas_best

[Indra_Otsutsuki 329]

I love these newspapers...it helps me get ready for monday...the most ugh day of the week.

[TriNitroToIuene 4,765]

Oh, FYI, the winning entry of the slogan contest was 'Blow 'em up!'

 

Just read that line now :P

[Kevred 1,586]

I have read whole of EULA, privacy policy and Game rules multiple times. ._.

Almost everyone reads it at least once, don't they?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

-

-

Edward

3 pounds 2 ounces

 

:P

 

I edited your post. Next time be careful where you post your address please. And if it wasn't your real address, well, I thought, better safe than sorry.

Edited October 4, 2015 by Kevred

[chinthu_ghost 204]

good work :)

[Kevred 1,586]

  (* 14 things in the first picture, 15 things in the title)

GOD DONUT

 

i know must come up with a clever mystery and claim it was planned the whole time

[Darren4Turbo 4,913]

Hola Kevred! very good nub pro work :)

[Kevred 1,586]

nub pro 

ok