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[Issue 45] Christmas Adventure 2: Santa's Revenge

By Thekillerpenguin,
in Newspaper Archive

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Thekillerpenguin 1,731

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Christmas Adventure 2: Electric Boogaloo Santa's Revenge

 

It's been a whole year since that fateful night. The night when Santa mysteriously disappeared. The night when 90% of the world didn't receive their Christmas presents. The night when the people of the world were up in arms, trying to figure out what happened to Santa and his gifts. The night when the United Nations sent a joint military strike force to the North Pole in the effort to figure out if someone took Santa hostage. The night when they didn't find anything. The night when the Russian president declared that an oppressed Russian minority had been found in the North Pole and that it would be annexed. The night when the US president declared that Santa was an oppressive dictator, oil had been found in the North Pole, and it would be liberated in Operation Enduring Presents. The night when everyone was too full of Christmas food to do anything and the status quo didn't change.

 

But to you, that night was the night you kidnapped Santa, did some, uh, convincing, and stole his bag of presents. Yeah. That's totally what happened. He disappeared into the night and was not seen since. You've been helping yourself to the heaps and heaps of presents inside of the Magical Bag of Presents, meant for the entire world. Everything you could ever wish for is inside- PS5s, Xbox Twos, Halo 6: Blarghs, Call of Duty 17: Black Ops Advanced Modern Warfare at War: Big Red One, and Half Life 3. Why was Half Life 3 inside it? Who was Santa going to send it to? Well, that's not your concern. You played it and it didn't meet your expectations.

 

The presents are cool- their combined worth is probably about equal to the GDP of a large country. You've been selling a lot of it off, donating some of it away, and sending all the Twilight novels and Nickleback CDs to your worst enemies. But while getting the presents is possibly the best thing that's ever happened to you, with your infinite wealth and whatnot, there's been a persistent feeling in the back of your head. Thanks to you, Santa was not able to do his time-honored job last year. Hundreds of millions, no, billions of people didn't get their presents. Each and every one was disappointed, with reactions ranging from depression to cursing Santa to step on legos wherever he walks. His homeland was desecrated by the footsteps of uninvited beings. He isn't dead, so any wonder why he wouldn't want revenge?

 

That thought has stayed in your head for a while, but today your fears have been confirmed. Your buddy who told you about Santa last year sent you another letter.

 

hey bro santa's coming again i would watch ur hed if i were u m8

 

otherwise he could like kill u or sometin xD

 

stay safe

 

kthxbai

 

It's been settled. He may not know exactly who you are, but he will find you and maybe kill you. Or force feed you oatmeal raisin cookies and soymilk, I'm not exactly sure. But in any case, you've prepared a fortress and locked your house down. Hopefully he forgets which house is yours and gets arrested by the police for trying to murder your neighbor, but if not, you'll be ready.

 

Because Santa Claus is coming to town.

 

 

12:00 AM, Christmas Eve.

 

Your parents are out for the night to go to some party, so you have the house to yourself. Unfortunately, this means that you'll have no backup if you need it. You've barricaded the doors with tables and chairs, covered the windows, glued Nokia phones onto the walls, and made a pentagram composed of oatmeal raisin cookies on your front door to deter Santa. You're huddled up in the basement, hiding in a fort made of random appliances from your present bag. All the lights have been turned off and you've shut off the power. Sitting in absolute darkness, the only things you can hear are your heartbeat and the sound of your breathing. It's really cold since you shut off the air conditioning, but you're huddled up in blankets so it's OK. A plate of cookies and some hot chocolate sits at your side to provide nourishment. You bide your team, hoping that Santa won't intrude into your house before the sun rises. But it's nice and cozy, and soon you find yourself drifting to sleep...

 

...you are awakened by a sudden noise. It was a crack, the crack of someone stepping on your floorboards. Was it Santa? Was it a ghost? Was it the Spanish Inquisition? You don't know for sure. You want to check the security cameras you set up earlier, but you realize that you shut off the power, so no cameras for you. "Dang...should I investigate or should I stay here?"

 

Option A:

Arm yourself and investigate the noise.

 

 

 

 

    You pick up a flashlight, a BB gun loaded with prunes, and a water gun full of soymilk while putting on some military grade body armor and fuzzy slippers. Why the slippers? You don't want to make noise with every footstep, duh. As you put on your helmet, you realize that you're carrying a lot of weight. "Well, it's all for a good purpose. I don't want to be caught without weapons or armor, after all", you think.

 

You quietly step out of your fort, closing the door behind you. You've memorized the layout of the basement, so navigating it in the darkness isn't a problem for you. You open the door and step into the kitchen. The crack came from the living room, so you slowly advance there. You turn on your flashlight, illuminating the room. Everything is there, exactly as it was before you started the lockdown.

 

    Option A:

    Head back to the basement fort.

    

 

    "Must have been the air pressure of something. Gah, I should have paid more attention in Physics", you mumble to yourself. You step quietly out of the kitchen, intending to head back into your fort to ensure your safety. "I'm vulnerable in the open, and this environment gives me the creeps. Never liked the dark".

 

     As you approach the basement door, you realize that you left your flashlight on. "How stupid of me, I don't want anyone outside to see the glare". You shut it off, intending to open the door and retreat to safety.

 

    That never happens. The moment the light ceases, a hook grabs you by the corner of your mouth as your head gets slammed to the ground with the force of a charging bull. You hear an audible crunching noise as your skull breaks. You slowly fade out of consciousness, but before you expire you notice the faint taste of peppermint...

 

 

You're dead. Not very fun, right? You can backtrack to the previous step or refresh the page.

     

 

 

 

    Option B:

    Stay around and search.

    

 

     "This doesn't feel right", you think. Pointing the flashlight around the room, you still don't notice anything. Your heart beat picks up and you feel cold sweat. "If Santa's here, I really hope he can't smell fear. No, wait, that would be ridiculous".

 

     After what feels like an eternity, you decide that you're done searching. You're standing in the doorway. But before you make your first step, you hear a sound. It's unmistakable, a footstep. Quick, make a decision!

 

         Option A:

         Look behind you!

        

 

         In the movies, the monster always comes behind you. Santa's not exactly a monster himself, but it seems like something any murderer who knows his stuff would attack from behind. You whirl behind you with your soymilk gun ready, finger on the trigger, expecting to see Santa in his bright red suit and blasting him with the unholiness that is soymilk.

 

          And while this might have saved you in a horror film, it doesn't work this time. You don't see anyone behind you, but you hear another footstep, to what was originally your front. This time, you aren't quick enough to react to it. An icicle plunges its way through your back. Your entire body goes numb as a burning cold surges its way through your chest. Your last thoughts are "Dang, I should sue whoever made this body armor. It can't even stop a stupid icicle....."

 

         

 

          You're dead. Not very fun, right? You can backtrack to the previous step or refresh the page.

 

        

 

 

         Option B:

         Continue to look forwards.

        

 

         Resolute in your determination to not look behind you, you don't turn around. Second thoughts enter your mind, and you quickly wonder if you should have checked your six. "Ah well, too late to make a decision, better commit."

 

         You are fortunate in your decision. Santa rushes from behind a chair (somehow managing to elude your sight) with an icicle in hand. You pull the trigger on your soymilk gun. The stream of soymilk hits Santa square in his eyes, splashing around his glasses and covering his mouth. You hear an ear-bursting scream as steam visibly shoots out of his face. Makes you wonder why this didn't happen last year.

 

          You continue to spray soymilk, but after a few seconds your gun runs dry. Santa's face is now a bright cherry red, and he's angry. You have a few more seconds before his vision clears up to engage, make a decision!

 

            Option A:

            Shoot Santa with your prune BB gun.

 

            

 

             "Not to worry, I have a secondary weapon! EAT THIS!", you shout at Santa. You pull out your prune BB gun, aim, and hit Santa square in the forehead.

 

              He yells in pain as the prune ignites the soymilk, causing an explosion. How did this happen? The world may never know. Anyway, he falls onto the ground, but he's back up after a second or two. You pull your BB gun up again, intending to do the same thing again, but you pull the trigger and nothing happens. Oops, you forgot to reload it...

 

               Santa runs up while you frantically try to reload, leaps into the air, and flattens you with a 300 pound body slam. Your skull, chest cavity, and bones are completely fractured and cave in. Your last thoughts are "Dang, I didn't know he could jump that high..."

 

                ....you've met with a terrible fate, haven't you? Backtrack or reload the page to try again.

              

            

 

 

              Option B:

              Do a roundhouse kick.

             

 

              It's what Chuck Norris would do. You back up a little bit, sprint at Santa at full speed, hop in the air, extend your foot, and turn 360 degrees. Your foot hits Santa squarely in the solar plexus, knocking him out cold with a satisfying thud. You mentally celebrate when both your feet return to the floor. Unfortunately for you, you slip on the soymilk that's splashed onto the ground, knocking you out cold yourself when the back of your head meets the cold, hard ground. You lose consciousness rapidly as you hear Santa start groaning...

 

              Congrats, you made it past the first part! Scroll down to the second post to continue the story.

             

 

 

        

 

 

    

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Option B:

Stay inside your fort and wait it out.

 

 

 

"It's safe inside this fort. I have cookies and milk, some weapons, 10 inches of Nokia phones between me and the outside, a warm blanket, and the bag of presents from last year in case I need something. No reason to go outside."

 

You nod back into blissful sleep after eating some cookies. Soon, you are awakened yet again. Another crack of the floorboards, this time a little closer to your room. What do you want to do?

 

    Option A:

    Do nothing.

 

    

 

     "Eh, another crack in the floorboards. Big deal. I'm not going to be afraid of any spooky thing. If Santa really was here, I would feel the vibrations".

 

       You close your eyes and try to go to sleep again, but just before you slip in, a big, muscular hand grabs you by the throat. You flail your arms backwards, expecting to hit someone, something, but there is nothing. Before you know it, your body goes limp, you feel extremely tired, and slip into sleep, this time for good...

 

 

        You're dead. Not very fun, huh? Go back to the previous step or reload the page.

    

 

 

     Option B:

     Grab a weapon from your Bag of Presents and brace yourself.

    

 

     "Uh oh, he's coming. I'll need more than a flashlight if he comes. Better grab a baseball bat or something from my Bag".

 

       You turn on your flashlight and look behind you at your magic bag of presents. You open it up, turn on a lamp that you stowed inside it, and search the sea of presents inside for something useful. Suddenly, a hand surges out of the waves and grabs you by the neck. You are pulled into the bag of presents and through the sea for several minutes before you enter a large, brightly lit cavern. A large figure is standing at the opposite end of it. As your eyes become accustomed to the light, you see that the figure is a man, with a sleigh and demonic reindeer behind him. That man's name? Albert Einstein Santa Claus.

 

        "HOO....HOO...HOOOOOO....", Santa bellows as he stomps towards you menacingly, brandishing a gigantic candy cane. In a panic, you turn around and desperately dig at the surrounding walls of presents for a weapon. Every second you feel the thud and massive vibrations resulting from his steps. To your chagrin, you find useless things; a comic book, a roast chicken, a chair calling itself "fen", and a sheet full of invite codes for Tanki X. Finally, you find a carton of soymilk and a lot of gluten-free oatmeal prune cookies. You ready yourself as Santa prepares to crush you with his candy cane.

 

             Option A:

             Stuff the cookies in Santa's mouth and block his attack with the carton.

            

 

              This seems like the coolest thing you can do. You squeeze the cookies into a giant mess and plunge it into Santa's mouth. He grimaces in pain as he tastes it, but quickly headbutts you and sends you flying across the cavern. Your last thoughts are "Dang, his skull is really tough. Must have been from all the milk he drinks."

 

           

 

             You dead, m8. You can go back to the previous choice or reload the page. 

            

 

 

 

              Option B:

              Dodge to the right, summon the anti-Santa.

             

 

              Little known fact: there is an anti-Santa, known as Atnas. He can be summoned by creating a pentagram out of gluten-free oatmeal prune cookies, drenching it in blood soymilk, and performing a chant. Feel free to try this at home.

 

              You flop to the right, narrowly avoiding being crushed by the enormous stick of diabetes, food coloring, and peppermint oil that is Santa's candy cane. You run over to the opposite end of the cavern and quickly arrange your cookies in a pentagram. You open the carton of soymilk and dump it all over your geometric abomination. This causes a fire for some reason. Finally, you yell

 

"̖E͕sae̙͉̗̥͓͓'̮̱̦̘͓l̰̖̞̥̦̯̞͢p̼̯̩̥͇̥ ͕̦̭͈̞D҉'͏̟̙l͖̤̖͘o̖̰̗̠̘̙͘g̤̝̪̬̝ ̢̻̺̺͇N͔̯̩̤͎̥̦͜'̝i͇̟̘̼̘̘̬m͕̦̰̰͕̯̤'̲͕̳̰̥d̴̦a̹̠!!"

 

 

at the top of your lungs at your raving bonfire of doom, despair, and your daily allocation of dietary fiber.

 

An enormous explosion of blue gas comes out of the pentagram, permeating the room. The ghostly blue figure of Atnas walks out of the mist, dressed in icy robes. His footsteps ring out with a shrill sound, making you shiver with every step. A distorted, demonic "ooOHh......oooOOHHhhh.....ooohhhhh....." resonates within your ears. He approaches Santa slowly, locking eyes with him, never blinking. He stops, raises a hand, and all hell breaks loose. Furious winds rip through the cavern, clouds accumulate near the ceiling, and a thunderstorm inexplicably starts. Each thunderbolt deafens your ears as Atnas's eyes turn a eerie solid black. Santa backs off slowly, a expression of fear materializing on his face. The ground starts dissolving into particles rising upwards towards the clouds, as if snow had been reversed. Atnas's body surges with black lightning and auras as he raises his other hand up.

 

A massive blast of dark blue energy is emitted from his hands and grabs Santa in its ghostly hold. Black lightning strikes Santa repeatedly, screams of pain echoing every time. The lightning burrows its way through his body, coming out of his eyes as Santa's screams become even louder. Then all the energy bursts with a bright flash. The clouds and winds dissipate rapidly and the mist becomes thinner. Santa, limp and heavily burnt, falls to the floor as Atnas slowly lowers his hands in triumph.

 

Then he turns around to you.

 

And punches you in the face.

 

Why? You forgot to pay the 5 bucks you owe him from the last time you summoned him. Hey, a man's gotta make a living somehow. So you're now unconscious on the floor.

 

 

Congrats, you made it past the first part! Head over to the second post to continue the story.

              

     

 

      

 

 

           

 

 

 

Edited by Hexed
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Thekillerpenguin 1,731

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You regain consciousness, noticing that it's pitch dark and you're hurting all over. You're sitting on a hard wooden floor with your hands tied behind your back. There is a faint smell of peppermint in the air. You put two and two together and figure that you've been captured by Santa. What will he do to you? Why are you not dead?

"Ho....ho.....ho........" echoes in the background. You know not how far away the voice is, nor where you are. You strain your ears to figure out which direction it's coming from, but it's no use.

A hand grabs you by the back of your neck and plunges your face into freezing cold water. You struggle, trying to lift your head up to catch your breath, but Santa's grip is too strong. Panic ensues. You simply cannot breathe. You finally run out of breath and start to inhale water. You feel your lungs filling up with cold liquid, and soon your body decides that there's no way you're going to make it and pumps you full of chemicals to make your last moments more comfortable.

Except those weren't your last moments. Santa pulls you out of the water and punches you in the gut. You cough up all the water in your lungs with great pain, and when you catch your breath your lungs feel icy cold. Hopefully you don't get pneumonia.

"Ho...ho.....ho......" echoes once again. "You see.....I didn't like it when you kidnapped me.....tortured me....took my presents...and disgraced me for a year.....now,....hopefully......you understand my point now.....but....we're not quite done yet, kiddo..."

He rummages for something in the background. "This...is what you force fed me last year.....now....I'm sure you don't like it either....so why don't I give it a try?.....". He slams you onto your back, sticks a funnel into your mouth, and waterboards/force feeds you with a mixture of oatmeal raisin cookies and soymilk.

Option A:
Eat the mixture and throw it up into his face. Ewww...


Unbeknownst to Santa, you're actually OK with oatmeal raisin cookies. The thing that you fed him last year was actually gluten-free oatmeal prune cookies, but he apparently forgot that or couldn't tell the difference. Of course, you'll probably throw up if you have too much, especially since he's dumping a mixture of the two into your mouth. You try to chew as little as possible while ingesting everything. After 30 seconds, you decide that you've had enough, and throw up the mixture through the funnel into Santa's face in a concentrated stream. He shouldn't have used a funnel.

The mixture of soymilk and cookies burns Santa's face once again, but the addition of your stomach acids, chyme, and what's left of your Christmas dinner makes it ten times as corrosive. He screams in pain once again. You sit up and spit the funnel out of your mouth. Santa is currently running around like a headless chicken, so you have some opportunities. Remember, your hands are still bound.

   Option A:
   Headbutt Santa.
  


   You charge headfirst in Santa's direction, intending to knock him over. Unfortunately, your legs are wobbly, and you slip on the puddle of unspeakable things on the floor. You bump your head and don't wake up in the morning.



You are dead. You're pretty close to the end, so just backtrack.

  



   Option B:
   Untie yourself.

  


   You take this opportunity to undo your bonds. Santa is apparently not very good with tying knots, so you free yourself fairly rapidly. As the red-and-white rope slips off your hands, Santa slowly turns around. Quick, make a decision!

    Option A:
    Tackle Santa.
   


You run at full speed towards Santa, jump, and grab his upper body to knock him over. You are successful, as he topples over and is knocked unconscious once again. To your surprise, he starts fading away, his body becoming more and more transparent before there is nothing left but his clothes, cap, and a small book.

You read the book. It’s Santa's journal. You learn the truth about Santa and his role in the world: he was an otherworldly being that dedicated himself to cheering up the world on Christmas by delivering presents to all the good people. He decided that if he missed a year, he would have failed everybody, so he would name a replacement and leave this realm. But your actions a year ago messed up his plans. You humiliated him. He became so obsessed with revenge that he dedicated all his efforts to it, despite his promise to leave. He did not name a successor. And when you defeated him, he became so sad and disillusioned with the world that he decided to leave. There is no longer a Santa in this world. This Christmas and every one after this will be spirit less and giftless. Children will wake up on Christmas mornings hoping to find gifts in their houses. But the presents will never come. The world will become more and more bitter as the importance and merriness of Christmas diminishes, all because of you and your greed. Many will lose hope and be lost to the winter gloom. Santa's house and workshop at the North Pole will be forever cold and empty, its light no longer illuminating the cold winter and bringing joy to the world. It will just sit there, a sad reminder of better times.

 

Unless.

You look at the clothing on the ground and know what to do. You gingerly pick up the clothes and put them on. They are surprisingly comfortable, and they warm your heart. Donning the cap, you grab your bag of presents from your garage and walk outside into the snow. The night is still quite young. Snow is lightly falling, drifting with the wind and settling on the ground in soft new sheets. A sleigh and several reindeer are waiting nearby. You march over, heave the bag of presents into it, and climb in. This is a very new experience for you, something that you've never done before, but it feels oddly familiar. You grab the reigns and take a last look at your home. A serene, surreal scene. You know that you'll never see it again after this night. With a sigh, you thrash the reigns as the reindeer start to gallop, and you soar into the sky, disappearing past the horizon.



The end.


       




        Option B:
        Run away so you can live to fight another day.
       


        You run with all your might past Santa and force your way through the barricade, wondering how you thought a few PS5s were enough to block the door. You grab the doorknob and run into the snowy outdoors. Unfortunately for you, Santa's reindeer are outside. Santa whistles them a piercing tune. They charge towards you, the ground rumbling under their hooves, and bite you by your feet as you try to escape. The reindeer soar upwards like a rocket headed to space as the cold wind chills you. After a few minutes, they let go. You are relieved when the pain in your toes ceases, but you lurch downwards as gravity pulls you towards the ground. You plummet headfirst towards your house. Your last thoughts are "Dang, I should have brought a parachute."

        



         You are dead.

        






Option B:
Resist the torture.



You withstand the torture for as long as possible, screaming in (mostly fake) pain for extra effect. If it seems like a small amount of cookies and milk will hurt you so much, he won't use heavy amounts, right? You last for quite a while before you black out since you're so tired of screaming.

When you wake up, you realize that Santa did not end your life when you were unconscious. You feel really glad and chuckle to yourself, but then you realize that you're still tied up with a huge mess on the floor and your house is still fortified with assorted objects. It’s also morning now. Your parents somehow manage to open and walk through the door, notice everything, and ask you what on earth just happened here.



The end. That's one possible ending. Not very exciting, huh? Try again for the other one.

 

 

 

 

 

I hope you had fun playing this. Now that you're done, feel free to open up all the options. Hopefully you didn't do that on your first try. If you did so, shame on you. :P

 

Have a great Christmas and New Year everyone, and I'll see you next time!

 

tNenHIz.png

Edited by Thekillerpenguin
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marc.jp_44 20,837

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Can't wait for you to stop using that font!

It's not that hard to read on PC but on iPad I have to practically quote it to see what it says. I can barely make out!

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