[Issue 50] Tanki Origins

[sonofchrysalis3 3,719]

The young boy clutched his mother’s arm as they watched the battalion of hamsters march down the street toward the town hall.

 

“Momma, what are they doing?”

 

He looked up and saw the fear in her eyes as she whispered, “I don’t know.”

 

With a CRASH, the hamsters broke down the door and entered. After a moment, two emerged dragging a plump man dressed in a suit and tie.

 

“NO, PLEASE! I’M INNOCENT I TELL YOU!”

 

A clattering of hooves arrested the young boy’s attention. The biggest hamster he had ever seen trotted up to the battalion, riding his black winged stallion.

 

“ALL HAIL HIS 3VILNESS, LORD HAMSTER, DICTATOR OF HAMSTERDAM!” shouted one of the hamsters.

 

Lord Hamster eyed the terrified captor with a sadistic grin. “Ah, Mayor Gordo, so nice of you to finally reveal yourself after weeks of my soldiers trying to get in touch with you.”

 

The mayor’s voice trembled. “I beg your forgiveness, Lord Hamster, I never received any messages. You know how loyal I am-.”

 

“Yes, so loyal that you burned the messages and ground up the ashes while my undercover hamsters watched you. You think I’m stupid?”

 

Lhamster grabbed the mayor by the collar and lifted him to eye level.

 

“When I require the tax collection from a mayor’s town, I expect that he will comply as he agreed to when I so graciously gave him the position. What’ve you been doing with the money, Gordo? Buying yourself another suit? Maybe your tastes have changed. A dress?”

 

The entire battalion roared with laughter.

 

“I promise you Lord Hamster,” the mayor choked, “if you will only give me time, I will deliver the taxes you requested.”

 

The dictator pulled him closer and shouted in his face. “I GAVE YOU THREE WEEKS OF MESSAGES ‘REQUESTING THE TAXES’!”

 

He dropped the mayor onto the dirt in a rage.

 

The boy shuddered at the cry of pain. That hamster must be a really bad guy.

 

Lhamster motioned for his minions to arrest his victim. “A week in the tickle chamber should fix your loyalty!” he bellowed.

 

Well, then again-.

 

His mother pulled at his arm. “Come, Fen, we need to hide.”

 

The boy followed. “Why are we hiding?”

 

“The soldiers often loot the village after they finish their mission.”

 

* * * * * * * *

 

Fen peeped through a pinhole in the safe room’s wall and watched the hamsters parading away down the street, carrying crystals, pottery, and a few screaming village people.

 

His mother creaked the door open and looked outside. No one around, and the hamsters were nearly gone.

 

“Grab your knife, Fen; we need to go see if the Aine family is alright.”

 

The two scurried to a hut across the street, ducking to avoid being seen. A door opened, and they ran inside.

 

A tall woman in peasant’s clothes shut the door silently behind them. “Oh, Mrs. Harel,” she whispered, “I’m so glad you and the boy are safe.”

 

The fat, red-faced boy standing next to her laughed and pointed a dirty finger in Fen’s face. “Yeah, we thought for sure they’d take him and use him as a foot rest.”

 

Mrs. Aine smacked her son solidly in the back of the head. “Shut up, Rem.”

 

Fen looked out the window as his mother talked about worried-mother-y stuff with Remucus’s mom. The once quiet and quaint village looked like a tornado had shredded it. So many homes had been leveled….

 

And then it caught his eye.

 

There, in the middle of the dusty street, a glint of blue twinkled like a dying firefly.

 

Fen glanced at his mother, then crept out the door to investigate.

 

The wind threw dust into the air, and he briefly lost sight of the bluish object. The swirling dust made the street seem like a desert on another planet.

 

At last he found it and fished it up out of the dirt. The perfectly round, glowing ball emitted a light hum which intensified as he began to clean the dust off of it.

 

“Hey floormat, what’d ya find?”

 

Remaine waddled over to see just as Fen hid the orb within the folds of his coat.

 

“It’s a… uh… a shard of glass.”

 

A smirk spread across Rem’s buttery face. “Really? A shard of glass that’s perfectly round and emits a light hum which intensifies as you clean the dust off of it? Yeah, I totally believe that.”

 

He stuck out his hand.

 

“Let me see.”

 

Mrs. Harel stuck her head out of the door. “BOYS!” she hissed. “Come back inside before the 3vil hamsters see you!”

 

Fen ran around Rem (which took a few minutes) and darted back inside.

 

“What were you two doing out there?”

 

He pulled out the blue orb and held it up for his mother to see. “This was out in the street.”

 

His mother’s angry expression melted into one of pure shock and awe. Mrs. Aine pointed a shaking finger at the object.

 

“D-do you think that’s-.”

 

Remaine came wobbling in at that moment and saw the orb. “HEY, that’s neat!”

 

He reached up and grabbed it.

 

Fen’s eyes bulged as he tugged and strained to remove the object with no success.

 

The orb had fused itself to Fen’s palm.

 

“That’s it!” Mrs. Harel breathed. “That’s the Nihilis.”

 

* * * * * * * *

 

Fen shivered and huddled closer to his mother as the tiptoed through the cave. Not a speck of light came from the path ahead; their only guidance was the light from the sphere that was still firmly glued to his hand.

 

“Momma, how much further?” moaned Fen. “I’m so ready to get this weird thing off of me.”

 

“We’re almost there Footsie- UH, Fen.”

 

They rounded a corner and suddenly found themselves in a bedroom with a ridiculously old guy snoring obnoxiously on a mat.

 

“Well, I guess this is it,” Fen said, relieved.

 

His mother pulled a brass flute from within her coat. “The ancient legends say that the Inert Administrator can only be awoken with a tune from this special flute… oh, I hope I can remember how to play it.”

 

Fen rolled his eyes. “Eh heh. Think I’ll speed up the process, ‘cause I’m kinda ready to get this over with.”

 

With that, he kicked the man squarely in the hiney.

 

“OOF!” the man cried and jerked upright.

 

“Hey, that was squishy!” Fen giggled.

 

“THA HECK ARE YOU YOUNG ‘UNS DOIN’ BARGIN’ INTA A MAN’S ROOM WHILE HE’S ASLEEP?!”

 

“Administrator? I’m sorry about my son; he’s only twelve-.”

 

“Yeah, well, it’s not the first time conanthedestroyer’s woken up to find a foot in his backside.” The man rubbed his eyes and glanced up at the boy. On seeing the orb, he shouted and toppled backward.

 

“WELL SMEAR ME WITH GREASE AND CALL ME DONALD TRUMP! ‘TIS THE NIHILIS ORB!”

 

Fen laughed. “I like this guy.”

 

“We have heard stories about how you once wielded the power of the Nihilis in battle with the 3vil Dictator Lhamster. You know, back before you, eh….”

 

Fen’s mother tried to think of something nice to say to a guy who looked every bit of a bazillion years old.

 

“… Became unable to fight.”

 

“Ah, don’t be silly,” conan said, struggling in vain to pull himself back upright. “I can still fight!”

 

“Yeah, look mom, he’s fighting now… to get up!”

 

Mrs. Harel put one hand over her son’s mouth and one on the orb, lifting it for conan to see. “We brought it to you in hopes that you could tell us how to use it against Lord Hamster. He has pillaged our town and captured our mayor.”

 

Having finally righted himself, conan took the orb from Fen and examined it. “Yep, that sounds like Hammy, sure ‘nuf.”

 

“HOW’D YOU JUST TAKE THAT STUPID THING OFF MY HAND?” Fen exclaimed.

 

“Magic, my boy, magic. You ought to see me doing housework. I’m a whiz with this sort of thing….”

 

He heaved an exhausted sigh.

 

“But if you’re here wanting me to fight the Hamster army for you like I did back in the day, well, I’m sorry, but I can’t. I’m already paying enough for insurance.”

 

Fen’s mother laughed. “I didn’t expect an old crab like you to- I mean, oh, that’s too bad. Then is there any way you can tell us how to use it?”

 

With a crackling sound like a thousand celery stalks being broken in half, the old man stood up and gestured for them to follow him.

 

“Let’s go into the backyard.”

 

“I think he was taller when he was lying down.” Fen whispered to his mom as they followed.

 

“You’re one to talk,” she whispered back.

 

* * * * * * * *

 

The three exited the cave into a large desert valley in which a small town was built. The streets were cracked and crumbly, and the buildings were collapsing.

 

“What is this place?” Fen asked as he made eye contact with a rattlesnake coiled on a fallen wall.

 

“This is where my girlfriend used to live!” conan replied sadly. “Yep, lovely ol’ Poly… she’s gone now.”

 

He stopped near a fountain, marked with the letter A, that stood in the middle of the town square.

 

“Alrighty now, let’s see if I can remember how to use this thing.”

 

Mrs. Harel watched as the old man raised the blue orb high over his head (so about a foot off the ground) and began chanting mystical incantations.

 

“Hankie mankie orb so blankie, make me a tanki or I’ll give you a spankie….”

 

Suddenly Fen’s tiny body made a POP  sound and morphed into a giant battle tank!

 

“Hey!” conan exclaimed. “It worked!”

 

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!” Fen and his mother both screamed at the same time.

 

“WHAT’VE YOU DONE TO ME?!”

 

Mrs. Harel grabbed the old codger. “CHANGE HIM BACK! CHANGE HIM BACK! HE HAD MY PHONE IN HIS POCKET!”

 

conan shook his head. “Now don’t you two worry a bit. He’s just as fine as can be, though he does sound like he could use a tune-up.”

 

The tank jerked and started to roll backward. “I CAN’T STOP, I DON’T KNOW HOW IT WORKS!”

 

With a SCRUNCH, the tank backed into a building and knocked it flat.

 

“Oh, way to go son! We haven’t been out here for ten seconds and you’re already breaking stuff.”

 

“MOTHER!”

 

“So anyway,” conan interrupted. “The Nihilis has the power to create battle machines ex nihilo, but, as you may have noticed, it has the unfortunate side effect of turning people into tanks.”

 

“Which means it isn’t ex nihilo.” Mrs. Harel chirped.

 

“NOW DON’T GO CORRECTIN’ YER ELDERS MISSY-.”

 

The two people and the tank suddenly became aware of a low rumble in the distance. They listened as it grew louder and louder, and they soon discerned that it wasn’t a rumble, but the sound of a thousand hamsters marching and squeaking in unison!

 

“We’ve been found! Quick you two, follow me!”

 

conan broke into a wild run, while Fen and his mother followed slowly behind him.

 

* * * * * * * *

 

“We meet again, conanthedestroyer! It’s been too long.”

 

Lhamster grinned in his ancient adversary’s face and shook the chains that held him to the wall.

 

“Comfortable?”

 

The old man sighed and glanced up at Fen’s mother.

 

“Why didn’t you run faster? Surely you heard the hamster army approaching!”

 

“Ah, shut up you old coot. I was running as fast as I could while still following you, which meant I was basically standing still.”

 

Lhamster strode majestically over to the tank parked on the opposite side of the dungeon. The treads had been removed, rendering it immobile. Muffled whimpering could be heard from deep within its engine.

 

“And now for you, child. How does it feel to run on diesel?”

 

The tank shuddered and shook as its whimpering turned into a fit of hysterical crying.

 

“Ha ha! And I haven’t even begun to cut your armor plates off! This one’s going to be fun.”

 

A hamster minion stepped forward, bowed, and handed his master an oxy-acetylene torch. A jet of blue flame bloomed from the nozzle with a sharp HISS.

 

“Let’s see if this tank still has any humanity left in it!”

 

conan strained against his chains. “Boy! You have to hurry! Press the ‘delete’ key!”

 

Lhamster turned and eyed the man with a quizzical look. “What?”

 

KERBLAM!

 

The tank exploded in their faces, spraying the room with shrapnel and knocking the hamster king onto his back.

 

“He did it!” conan squealed with delight.

 

“What in the name of me just happened?!” Lhamster sputtered.

 

“The Nihilis has had a few software updates since we last met, rodent!”

 

A tear slid down Mrs. Harel’s face. “M-my cell phone….”

 

Lord Hamster struggled to his feet and brushed himself off. “Okay then, that was easier than I thought. Now, conan, if you will kindly tell me where that Nihilis is, I will probably consider possibly thinking about maybe not kind of torturing you, sort of-.”

 

A mob of screaming hamster minions burst into the room, followed closely by Fen the Tank.

 

“I RESPAWNED IN THE BARRACKS!” he shouted gleefully.

 

Lhamster threw open a door and dashed out into the parking lot, with Fen hot on his heels.

 

* * * * * * * *

 

“Listen up, troops, here’s the strategy.”

 

The herd of tanks looked up from playing in the grassy meadow, rolled into a perfect line in front of Generalissimo Fen’Harel’s tank, and stood at attention with their railguns held high.

 

“Lhamster is incredibly fat and slow. I nearly finished him off myself a few days ago when I ran over him, but, as it turns out, he has quite a bit of blubber to prevent him from getting smushed flat.”

 

He took a deep breath, pulled himself to his full height, and said with a dramatic voice:

 

“For years, we have toiled under the oppressive rule of that tyrannical rat, but this is the day that will all end. Look not on the battle ahead as a dangerous obstacle between yourselves and freedom! Consider it rather to be a paved road with a gentle incline leading to our dream of independence, only that the road is very narrow and there’s a lot of mailboxes to avoid. Tankers! Gird thyselves up like the legends you are about to become! TODAY WE SHALL DEFEAT THE 3VIL HAMSTERS!”

 

Exuberant cheers filled the meadow and echoed off the sunny skies above… and echoed, and echoed, and-.

 

* * * * * * * *

 

“SEMYON! Are you listening to me?”

 

Semyon Kirov jerked out of his daydream and rubbed his eyes.

 

“What?”

 

The man across the table shook his head in disgust. “I was trying to help you with your math homework like you asked me to!”

 

“Sorry my friend, I was just… well, I had a neat idea for a computer game.”

 

Edited March 23, 2016 by sonofchrysalis3

[beaku 2,656]

My thumb hurts. XD

[Anonono 1,233]

Wow, sure is a long article, but good nonetheless.

[omrot 2,327]

A great story! You should make a book out of this

 

[Palm-Face 378]

Wow, awesome story :D 

[KillerGnat 3,135]

What in earth have I read o.0?

[MOO_I_AM_A_COW 110]

It's a true story too!

[DragonOfStorms 2,706]

Way to go out with a bang, Stratus. Hysterical, I laughed the whole way through!

[VaudeVille 1,428]

Haha XD, loved it. Pls do come back once in a while with stories like these.

[r_MaquinaDeGuerra0 207]

Ill read it but... after

[Podey_the_Buster 87]

Sooo, all the things the devs told us was a lie? Great article, try to make sure that they 3vil Hamsters don't come back! :P

[Lhamster 4,081]

Apart from the highly unrealistic penultimate paragraph, I loved this!

[Quarks 2,255]

Apart from the highly unrealistic penultimate paragraph, I loved this!

Agreed, semyon was not added as a CM until a few years after tanki's creation, nor was he one of the original programmers. And to the 3vil hamster, well, I kinda feel bad for you. You seem to be the butt of many a joke recently.

[r_superebthemaster0 0]

This is the stupidest thing I've ever seen XD

[Concodroid 1]

“WELL SMEAR ME WITH GREASE AND CALL ME DONALD TRUMP! ‘TIS THE NIHILIS ORB!”

 

Uhh...

[DESTOYER296 19]

This is the stupidest thing I've ever seen XD

You are the stupidest thing I've ever seen. xD :rolleyes:  :D  ;)

[TG159 734]

[Dragonwolf049 0]

AWESOME!

[Bugs.meeny 1,013]

Too bad your leaving stratus, wouldve liked more stories like this . . 

[blackflag444 256]

1. too lazy to read it all :D

2. THE BLUE SPHERE!!!!!!!

[destro718 0]

I thought that it would create a control point also anyone see the blue orb at the end of the gift bar in the garage ;)  

[tank08battle 0]

Awesome story, hope you make more. :ph34r:

[androidb7 177]

I finally understand what the blue orb in Tanki is, lol  :P

Great article  :) 

[personia 4,036]

XD

 

That was amazing writing. Thumbs up from me!

[Tankidude113 3]

THAT IS SO COOL ABOUT SEMYON