Review [Issue 53] Why Rankup Parties are Stupid

[Night-Sisters 2,139]

Rankup Parties.

Despite a Tanki-wide obsession with that 'dramatic last kill', the mere utterance of those two innocuous words is enough to send a surge of irritability shivering down my spine. Yes, I've watched a selection of the rankup vids to be found on YouTube... I've read an article written on the subject, and have even gone so far as to attend a few here and there.

These experiences have only served to underline my belief that rankup parties are an abysmally stupid waste of time. In fact, I am so firmly convinced of this sentiment that I have even assembled the following list of eight extremely valid reasons why you shouldn't throw a party next time your exp bar nears the conclusion.   

My readers are certainly not obliged to agree with the following points, but hey. At the very least this article will provide me with an excellent excuse for ducking out of the next rankup party that I'm forced at gunpoint asked to attend. ;) 

So without any further ado: 

 

Rankup parties are stupid because....

 

They take waaay too much time

 

If the world were a perfect place (and/or tankers actually possessed the ability to listen calmly) the average rankup would take...eh, maybe ten minutes. 

This earth is definitely not a utopia and most tankers harbor an extreme dislike for following instructions; thus if you endure only 45 minutes of heated bickering before accomplishing your rankup, instead of the normal hour, you can absolutely mark that down in the books as a win!  

 

:huh: 

 

:mellow: 

 

:blink:

 

Seriously people. Regardless of the time invested, the end result of a rankup is always the same. (You get a blazing light show above your tank and people say 'congratz' repeatedly.) It is completely absurd to waste half your day on one. single. kill. when you could be doing so much more. Ride a bike, take a hike, read a book, or just get some of those inevitably pressing chores done. Heck, it'd even be more constructive to actually play Tanki. What you do doesn't matter, just so long as you're not squandering two hours of life parkouring to the top of some building because of the patently idiotic need to rank "over there" instead of "here". -.-

 

They decrease your lifespan

 

It's no secret that chronic stress can seriously reduce your longevity. It is also undeniable that rankup parties are...well, stressful. 

Since you could be suffering through twenty-nine or more instances of this self-inflicted trauma, you might want to pause now and take a good hard look at the real cost. Is a flamboyant rankup actually worth the mental fatigue, grey hairs, and, (in the extreme cases) a shortened lifespan due to said stress????? 

Make the wise decision here. Your older self will thank you. 

 

The friends you invite get upset

 

Though at first enthusiastically convinced that "this time it'll be different!", trust me, by the time it's all over, your friends will be ardently wishing that they had never heard of you or your blasted rankup party. As you direct the rank, issuing your commands with a remorselessness of which any 3vil dictator could be proud, your friends will alternate between phases of abject boredom and prickly irritation. As the time drags past with no conceivable end in sight, even your closest companions will grow weary of the entire business and perhaps even begin to voice their legitimate complaints. (*gasp, the horror!!!) This is, unfortunately, a ripe time for the arguing and bickering to start up, which adds tremendously to the overall stress level. Even the most carefully planned rank can devolve into a shouting match, which generally tends to put a serious and unnecessary strain on your online friendships.  

 

The friends you don't invite get upset 

 

Los amigos (o amigas) who weren't online and/or couldn't make it are bound to feel personally insulted that you ranked without their indispensable presence. The result is that conversations in the vein of the one shown below are fairly common occurrence. 

 

 

This is irritating in and of itself, but the real kicker is that these folks don't understand just how much of a gift their non-attendance really was. People tend to go green with envy after the fact when they catch sight of your rankup vid and photo shoot where all parties involved are totally having a blast. What everyone doesn't understand is that easy rankups are a myth and simply do not happen. So the next time you find yourself complaining that 'you weren't invited', stop yourself; send your belated congratulations and give a silent shout of joy for having neatly and tactfully avoided a truly torturous event.   

 

They tend to fail

 

Imagine, my dear reader, that after months of gaming you are finally within those last ten points of ranking. You've done your homework, put in the hours, and decided on a unique rankup plan. Surrounded and assisted by a plethora of friends (as well as a few nugs who managed to slip in) you are ready to proceed to the next phase of your Tanki career. The Spectator overseeing the whole thing is on stand-by, ready to begin recording at your word. You've checked and double checked that everyone understands their role in the proceedings, so it's time to open chat to tell the Spec you're ready. You take a deep breath and..............

a well-meaning friend forgets where you laid your mine and accidentally drives over it.  

You rank without even so much as a screen shot. 

:angry:

 

They endanger personal property

 

The usual result of the above situation? 

 

 

I rest my case. 

 

There's always one mult

 

A rankup mult is characterized by an unwillingness to listen, an inability to follow directions, and nasty habit of 'accidentally' killing the rankee. No rankup comes without one, and no matter what you do, no matter how many battles you go swap through, this mult will always find you. It creates a rather unfortunate predicament for all parties involved and thus has become yet another nail in the coffin of the dreaded rankup party.  

 

It's been done before

 

The average rankup scheme generally goes something like this:

 

1. Tell your friends to line up.

2. Drive past looking cool.

3. Have some nug run over a mine.

4. Rank. 

 

As 99.99999999% of all rankup scenarios have been done before, I'd hazard that it's about time to start asking "What's the point???" There are only so many variations on a rank, and it is by now, extremely repetitious. 

 

So there you have it. Eight good reasons not to have a rankup party...... 

 

And yet, even after the above rant writing this article, I will admit to participating in a small, un-planned party for my rankup to Marshal. (It's was all greymult's fault, k.) I also recently attended the Gissimo rankups of a number of clan members, and despite everything I just wrote, I have come to realize this:

Even it's a real inconvenience, tankers attend (and will continue attending rankups) because it is one of the few times that they can help celebrate an accomplishment that is important to a friend. This game is the one thing we all have in common, so we'll bend over backwards to show support for a fellow tanker in one of the only ways available. And at the end of the day, if you remove all the frills, trappings, and ridiculous idiosyncrasies...that is what a rankup party is really about.

 

 

But just in case you were wondering, the above statement does not in any way, shape, or form change my opinion on this subject. Rankup parties are stupid, end of story. 

 

 

 

Did you enjoy this article? Check out the rest of Issue 53 right here!

Edited July 20, 2017 by Hexed

[Hex 11,520]

I rank up on maaaaay own okei?

I pro.

 

 

 

Pro article Sis. Very well written. The sarcasm is great too. Keep it up.

Edited May 7, 2016 by Hexed

[VaudeVille 1,428]

Nice article, rank up parties in the past have been an absolute pain so I did a simple yet beautiful rank up for myself

 

[arnav0506 2,777]

+11

[TriNitroToIuene 4,765]

Congrats, Sis, you have just undone everything I managed to do with my first ever article :mellow:

 

Oh lol just kidding this article is brilliant :lol:

[greyat 2,972]

I will admit to participating in a small, un-planned party for my rankup to Marshal. (It's was all greymult's fault, k.)

Hm so this looks not small and not unplanned.

[Lhamster 4,081]

Hm so this looks not small and not unplanned.

Who's that handsome chap with the flag and XTs?

[thunderousrailgunner 1,934]

Who's that handsome chap with the flag and XTs?

The 3vil Dictator.

Edited May 8, 2016 by thunderousrailgunner

[I.Devastation 2,053]

They're nice to look back on as memories... I have all my rank ups after wo5 saved

[fordmustang12345 3,910]

Rank up party's should at least be done for that epic final rank to Generalissimo

[Yisroel.Rabin 16,224]

She only thinks they suck cuz she ruined so much of em' :( You make me cry ;c

Nicely written though, all good points.

[DragonOfStorms 2,706]

Quite funny. You do have some valid points though...

[Night-Sisters 2,139]

She only thinks they suck cuz she ruined so much of em' 

This is absolutely correct. 

 

:c sorry yis  :lol:

Edited May 9, 2016 by Night-Sisters

[noely01 149]

I rank up on maaaaay own okei?

I pro.

 

 

 

Pro article Sis. Very well written. The sarcasm is great too. Keep it up.

two things, Thug and 100% MLG :D

[Yisroel.Rabin 16,224]

This is absolutely correct. 

 

:c sorry yis  :lol:

Well, when I'm ranking from Recruit to Private on an alt, I don't really care if you ruined it :P

 

But yes, be sorry.

Edited May 9, 2016 by Yisroel.Rabin

[Rico_Viking_9000 942]

 

 

 

 

3. Have some nug run over a mine.

 

 

 

Ok...

[Night-Sisters 2,139]

Ok...

 

:?

 

 

What did I say now?

Edited May 10, 2016 by Night-Sisters

[donaldo9000 1,342]

Rankup parties can be fun, but as you stated, cost wayyy too much time. Good article :)

Edited May 11, 2016 by donaldo9000

[Rico_Viking_9000 942]

:?

 

 

What did I say now?

Did you mean nug or nub?

[TriNitroToIuene 4,765]

Did you mean nug or nub?

Both nug and nub are words that exist, and their meanings are usually intended separately, but lately they're considered the same thing lol

[asifmehmood 1,576]

Its true the mult is always there 

[beaku 2,656]

All my rank up parties have been a grand success until now.

Here's how I do it:

1. Realise 500xp before that you're close to ranking up. Play for an hour or so.

2. When you're 20xp away, check your friends list to see who's online and invite 4 people max.

3. Just tell them to stand still. Shoot them. Take a screen, voila!

[bryanchua 33]

Who's that handsome chap with the flag and XTs?

Its the one called Lhamster who did not inform about the newspaper while I checked the homepage for a month wondering where the next issue of the newspaper was!!!!!! :O

[bryanchua 33]

Why not set up a topic called night sisters the hypocrite. :)))))))))))))))))))))))

[TriNitroToIuene 4,765]

*Ahem*

 

 

B)