4 Mini-Guides to Tanki Online

[BLASTER872 1,892]

4 Mini-Guides to Tanki Online

 

 

A few crystals short for the MU on your Freeze + Mammoth combo? Bewildered on the subject of capturing flags or controlling points? Puzzled by the difficulty of killing a tank? Well, wonder no more! Here, I have composed 4 small guides guaranteed to get you your first crystal earned in battle, or be the team's hero and capturing a flag during 39-0, your team losing (because you can't turn your turret)!

 
 

4. How to Kill a Tank
 

Look how far you went! You are a professional player, with a whopping 700 crystals! I bet nobody else near your rank can compete with that, Recruit! (Maybe because they bought Savage Kit early on. How should I know?) However, to take your skills to the next level, you have to attempt the near-impossible act of killing an enemy tank! How do you do it, you ask? Simple! All you require is a Tanki Online account, a repaired keyboard that you broke after raging because you got no crystals or even XP on a 1 hour Sandal DM. Not your fault you couldn't kill anyone, am I wrong right?

 
So here's the hidden secret that I bet you never knew: Turn your tank to aim at an opponent. No need to turn your

turret, you can use the left and right arrow keys or A and D to turn your hull. Afterwards, put your hand on the space

bar. That's right, the space bar you broke replaced (hopefully) to kill a tanker. Don't worry if you do not one shot him!

Tanki apparently decided to make it EXTREMELY DIFFICULT, requiring more than 1 shot! Unbelievable! Anyway, keep

shooting, and re-adjust your hull if the noob tries to do the dirtier-than-drugging tactic (You don't drug because you

don't know how to!) called dodging! And it's best to aim for AFK players; as you have the element of surprise.

 

 

3. How to Capture a Flag

 

Apparently, your team is mad at you (I mean, why else would they be keeping you flipped and flipping you unless they

were mad at you?) because you can't turn your turret. Forget them! You don't need to turn your turret. I mean, what

about the 3 points you got in the battle? 3 hard earned points that nobody appreciates! Anyway, your teammates have

stalled the opponent. You experience a fleeting joy as you take the flag. But... now you're stuck. What do you do? You

valiantly attempt to capture the flag, but you just don't know how! You keep trying... And obviously you fail. Otherwise,

why bother reading this guide if you can already do such skill-requiring actions such as capturing a flag!

 

Anyway, I'm telling you how to capture the flag so you'll know what to do next time. Hand trembling, have it find its way

to the WASD or arrow keys. (Hopefully you DID not break replace them.) Drive your Mammoth + Freeze M0 tank to the

flag. Hey, you might take forever to get there and have done better passing the flag a little longer than if you used

the horrible hull Hornet (look they all start with H) but don't worry, you'll get there in the end! When you reach your

flag pedestal, you will not believe me, but... You have to, while holding the flag, drive over it. What a complicated

process! I wonder how the enemy team repeated it 39 times within the short time frame of an hour! And it wasn't because you were useless; you scored 3 points!

 

 

2. How to earn Crystals

 

After hours, days, months you finally rank up to the rank of... Private! A wonderful achievement, combined with the 10

rankup crystals you got, makes you feel elated. But, it costs 100 crystals to speed up the MU that is going to take the

incredibly long time of 20 minutes! So how do you earn crystals? And I don't mean at the snail-like pace

that professionals have to go at, I mean you can get 1 million crystals in one go! And it might only take 10 years, given

your current intelligence 10 days, whereas it would take you ten lifetimes to get 1 million crystals!

 

First of all, you need to get some money. Not the TO kind; real money. Bonus points if you get Russian money, as

Russians get crystals cheaper (This is actually a real problem in TO, not just me joking. But be nice to RU and EN and

decrease our prices too.) Anyway, move your cursor to the elusive corner, known only as the "Buy Crystals" button.

Spend your $1,000 dollars you got. But wait... Only do it if you have the VIP card called "Double Crystal Card"! You will

get DOUBLE THE CRYSTALS! Now, you've got your 3 million crystals (how should I know, have I spent that much money

on a game before?) and now you can fully MU your M0 Freeze + Mammoth combo to 50/50! Which means you have the

best combo in the game now! Oh, what was that about M1s, M2s, and M3s? Those are HACKS for dirty hackers who want

to actually win! Pfft, all you need are those 5 XP points and 1 crystal from your 1 hour Sandal CTF! Why get anything

else?

 

 

1. How to chat

 

You're now a professional Tanki Online player! Clocking in at a 0.05 KDR and 1,000 XP on your M0 fully MUed Mammoth +

Freeze combo for playing ten years, you'd expect some people to be jealous of you! But you have to be a Master

Sergeant to chat, and that requires about 20,000 XP points! Ridiculous! So, repeat the 10 year process of getting 1,000

XP 20 times! But wait... It's a ten year process... 20 times... That clocks in at playing another 190 years! I don't think

you'd even live that long, would you? So pay a good player hacker to get you those 19,000 XP points! And rip them off

with the measly pay of $100 dollars! Wait, they did it in 2 days? Professional hacker there!

 

Now you can do it. Press your jammed in Enter key. Type whatever you want, preferably something like, "nuub u wurs

then meee!", or, "u is haxer u canots has 2 kilz in thisz nuub batel!" Prepare for someone to break their keyboard...

 

That would be you, mult.

 

 

Thank you for reading this cringe fest article! Keep turning your turrets, guys!

 

 

 

 

This is BLASTER872, signing out.

Edited July 12, 2016 by Night-Sisters

[Night-Sisters 2,139]

-Changed the orange font. (Sorry, ik it's unique, but it's also not easy to read...)

 

-respaced

[BLASTER872 1,892]

-Changed the orange font. (Sorry, ik it's unique, but it's also not easy to read...)

 

-respaced

- xD ok let's go with boring gray.

 

- Thanks, how do you respace again?

(I know I'm a noob)

[ToHoYoNTaDa 1,147]

Good work!

Good luck for next works!

[BLASTER872 1,892]

Good work!

Good luck for next works!

Thanks! I might start a series... you never know.

[EmpiresAndAlliesPro 174]

Nice work!!! Personally I liked your first one more. (Hey maybe it's just me) I liked the screenshots (Not because I was in them :P) a lot more

Maybe next article you'll have screenshots? And perhaps I could help with them again?

[EmpiresAndAlliesPro 174]

Thanks! I might start a series... you never know.

You probably will start a series

[EmpiresAndAlliesPro 174]

 

 

Prepare for someone to break their keyboard...

 

that would be you

 

lol

[BLASTER872 1,892]

Nice work!!! Personally I liked your first one more. (Hey maybe it's just me) I liked the screenshots (Not because I was in them :P) a lot more

Maybe next article you'll have screenshots? And perhaps I could help with them again?

Same, though I don't think I'll be doing too many screenshots soon.

 

You probably will start a series

Only if it's about a mult who always finishes first somehow in Poly CP and uses M1 Twins, M1 Viking, and Swash.

That'd be me.

 

lol

zd

[fordmustang12345 3,910]

I can practically SMELL the sarcasm in this :lol: btw

 

How to Kill a Tank : M4 DD Shaft

[v1sual 50]

I can practically SMELL the sarcasm in this :lol: btw

 

How to Kill a Tank : M4 DD Shaft

or you can just be a kill stealer with an m0 smokey

[railguniz4noobz 2,394]

or you can just be a kill stealer with an m0 smokey

Smoky. Its called smoky.

[Epic_Space_Mango18 592]

Smoky. Its called smoky.

Damn you I was going to say that but I scrolled down a bit more......... .-.