The End (Part I)

[Viking4s 10,791]

Where is part II ?

[Kevred 1,586]

yea kinda

 

the boy gets shot several times near his heart, smashed by a car, into a building, then the building succumbs onto him

and he is supposedly dead but when someone wants to hurt his gf it all goes slow motion, going on the faces, and then he rushes and beats all of them while this cringy music is playing

hey whats wrong with an epic scene showing the power of true love even if its fake u know  :lol:

[Electra 733]

Looks really nice!

[mydoom.exe 5,154]

Constructive Criticisms (I can be harsh at times, read at your own risk):

 

 

Have to agree with Lelouch here. The story is professional, I'll give you that, but you immediately jump into the action and drama without any suspense or backstory whatsoever. That pretty much kills the mood. As well, the fight itself does sound rather, for lack of a better word, cheesy. It's very one-sided and is the cliche "best friend, worst enemy" type of plot. As well, detailing the attacks far too much can make reading tedious, as it hinders plot development - think Dragon Ball Z. Long story short, build up suspense for the beginning parts, bring up backgrounds and such, and then get into the action, but don't overdo it.

 

All in all, this is a good read, don't make any mistakes there, but the wording and plot could bring this to far higher grounds if helped. Good luck with the rest of your parts bro.

 

Edited December 10, 2016 by mydoom.exe

[tousif_the_master 2,240]

heheh , enjoyed whole story but i like the first 7-8 lines :) about asif hehehe

[BlueDragon_tamki 3,204]

Where is part II ?

idk :ph34r:

 

i might work on it after my exams

 

Looks really nice!

thank you!

Constructive Criticisms (I can be harsh at times, read at your own risk):

 

 

Have to agree with Lelouch here. The story is professional, I'll give you that, but you immediately jump into the action and drama without any suspense or backstory whatsoever. That pretty much kills the mood. As well, the fight itself does sound rather, for lack of a better word, cheesy. It's very one-sided and is the cliche "best friend, worst enemy" type of plot. As well, detailing the attacks far too much can make reading tedious, as it hinders plot development - think Dragon Ball Z. Long story short, build up suspense for the beginning parts, bring up backgrounds and such, and then get into the action, but don't overdo it.

 

All in all, this is a good read, don't make any mistakes there, but the wording and plot could bring this to far higher grounds if helped. Good luck with the rest of your parts bro.

 

thx

Yeah I couldn't figure out some other ideas to throw them in here and- Dragon Ball Z? Wth is that? Anyways I'll be careful next time :) thx for the advice

heheh , enjoyed whole story but i like the first 7-8 lines :) about asif hehehe

thx- wait what???

[mydoom.exe 5,154]

Yeah I couldn't figure out some other ideas to throw them in here and- Dragon Ball Z? Wth is that? Anyways I'll be careful next time :) thx for the advice

Couldn't think of anything else that fit the analogy, so that's a tad vague hehe

[BlueDragon_tamki 3,204]

Couldn't think of anything else that fit the analogy, so that's a tad vague hehe

doesnt matter you still needed to say something :p

[NERF836 202]

Well everyone is doing this but me!

[I.Hax.I 128]

yea kinda

 

the boy gets shot several times near his heart, smashed by a car, into a building, then the building succumbs onto him

and he is supposedly dead but when someone wants to hurt his gf it all goes slow motion, going on the faces, and then he rushes and beats all of them while this cringy music is playing

lmfao dude hahahahah

[NERF836 202]

Could you make one where someone kills me? O_o.