How to Get a Girlfriend in Tanki

[Yisroel.Rabin 16,224]

Hello there! Are you ugly, dumb, or down right forever alone and can't get a girlfriend for your life? Well, you’ve come to the right place. All you have to do is follow these simple (yet hard to master) guidelines and you’ll be getting em' tankladies in no time!

 

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Phase #1 — Picking a username

 

No matter how good or bad your current nickname is, it must contain a certain manliness to it. In order for girls to even look at you, you must have a username which asserts your manliness.

 

Here are some entirely original manly nicknames I've created which aren't copyrighted whatsoever and which you can steal from me at any time: Dragons4Boys; BrownPebble; Remult; breaku.^[1]

 

A small tip; use as many numbers as a replacement for letters as possible, it too really makes you seem manly, perhaps even more manly than you already are (I know it's hard to believe- a guy like you, someone who came to an article titled "How to Get a Girlfriend in Tanki" can be any more manly, but trust me, it's possible). Just to demonstrate, Remult would become R3mu1t. See? Very effective. I'm getting hyped up just looking at it.^[2]

 

As you can see in the photo below, I've went with a nickname which compliments my manliness quite perfectly.

 

 

 

Phase #2 — Finding a tankess.

 

Contrary to popular belief you will not get a girlfriend from simply sitting in EN3 and repeatedly asking "any girls?" you have to do it on EN4 and 5 as well, 4 times a day, 7 days a week. You have to be clever: Don't go for tankesses with the prefix 'Mrs' or 'IvIrs' for this means they are already taken. Additionally, don't go for the ones with decidedly unfeminine names such as 'SistersOfMoonlight' or 'Ostraciser'; this signifies an emotionally-dead tankess, possessing only a desire for power. Instead, go for the cuddly, flirtatious ones, such as 'GirlyTanker9' or 'Princess.Twinkle'. If they use Isida (preferably with Wasp), they are guaranteed to be a good match.^[3] On a side note: if you are a male and your favorite turret is Isida, girls may not be for you. Instead, I'd suggest going for Newspaper Admin.

 

Once you have identified your target, keep a close eye on them. I'd follow them from battle to battle for a while (preferably with alternative accounts), and be sure NOT to send them a friend request immediately. In the best case, they will send you one. Finally, build up the courage to talk to them. Ideally, go with a classic pickup line like: "Not even a Firebird M4 could match your hotness" or "You're so foxy, do you want to go for a drive in my Hunter?" These are guaranteed to get you amazing results, she may even reply to them. But be careful with the histrionics: the art of romantic texting is more difficult than it appears.^[4]

 

If she doesn't friend you for a certain period of time, which is somewhere from six days to a week, you should give up and just send her the friend request. If she doesn't reply within a day, resend the request, if she accepts the friend request, great, you're as smooth as slippery ice and as cool as slippery ice. But oh, if she declines the friend request it means you're a horrible stalker and she isn't into you at all, because if she was, you'd be on your second date by now.

 

 

Phase #3 — Gift giving

 

After you’ve got her in your friends list and have played quite a few good games with her, you can finally move on to the next step, gifts. Most guys will get their girlfriend a diamond necklace, but who are we kidding, your poor. Soooo you’re gonna buy her a gift in the Gift section of your garage.^[5] But remember, be cautious, you don’t want it to be too pricey, you might freak her out, but at the same time she doesn’t want a 'Badge', she already's got about 1,000 of those from her last boyfriends.^[6] I’d suggest going with the virtual Teddy Bear, it’s cute, cuddly, yet not too pricey or distracting enough for her not to read the lame message you put.

Speaking of lame messages, we obviously don't want you sending her something lame, do we? So here is one last pickup line you can include in your gift message to her: "Are you Dusseldorf? Because I keep getting lost in your eyes."

 

If she thanks you for the gift with another gift, there're two possibilities: If it's a cheaper gift it means she appreciates the gift enough to send you a gift back, but not enough to get you what you got her, yet. That's OK, but it means you should spend more quality time with her before sending her another gift. If she sends you a response with a more expensive gift, no matter what she writes in it, it means she wants to show you how cheap you've been and that she rather you didn't send her a gift at all rather than the cheap one you sent her (I guess the Teddy Bear was to cheep. My bad. :3). And finally, if she sends you the same gift, it means she finds it sweet that you thought to sent her a gift, and really appreciates it, enough to send one back.

 

Phase #4 — Getting serious

 

After you've gotten the proper gift response from your targeted tankess you can finally advance to the more serious part of things. Until now it was all fun and games, no more of that. You used to join her battles, regardless of the team, that isn't enough anymore. Now you must join her team and her team only. Additionally, you used to join 80% of her battles, no more of that either. Now you've ought to join 100% of her battles, even if you guys have totally different timezones and her day is your night.

 

Stepping aside from battles for a second, you got to start having long chats with her in the lobby chat, preferably private because they're the most romantic and adventurous (I speak from experience :ph34r:), unless you want to be clear to the entire RU1 that you love this tankess, then the message should be public, obviously.

 

In the last phase, we discussed possible pickup lines you can use to get your desired tanklady intrigued. Well, I didn't want to offend you on your horrible sense of creativity, but those pickup lines actually sucked (and I was actually just stepping down to your level- I actually make waaaay better pickup lines than that). It's time to rank up to a more advanced sort of language: "Even if there were 1000 gold boxes on the ground, I'd still go for you instead." Would be a perfect pickup line to say while you're both sitting at the shores of Rio's beaches at twilight.^[7]

 

But language isn't all there is to a relationship, you've got to actually protect your tankess, in case any very rude and jealous tanker decided to pick on her:

 

Oh, uummm, yea, that's an example of what NOT to do. Totally intentional.

 

 

Phase #5 — Proposal & marriage

 

*Dims the lights and gets into a deep voice*

 

You set the mood; you turn on some classical and romantic music and put on the closest paint you have to a suit and tie, tonight's the night you propose to the tankwomen of your dreams! You create a Rio Night mode map and make a massive heart out of mines (out of all your mines, actually, you even had to buy a couple 100) on the beach along with a cheesy line to go with it all.^[8] Then, you invite all your best friends, and you have them all equip Firebird (because Firebird looks cool in night mode), and flip them on their sides to face their turrets to the sky, creating a wall of fire around your big and beautiful heart of destruction when they shoot.

 

Then... you invite her. The girl you fell in love with, the girl you cannot live without, the gir–

 

 

:mellow:

 

Not to worry, she was probably just away from her computer for a second,^[9] just invite her again. OK. She accepted your invitation? Awesome! She joins the battle, and you begin:

 

 

 

Oops...^[10] Anyways, as you probably know, I don't have the friends, mines or patience to actually pull such a thing off. However, I think it's safe to say that with my amazing photoshopping skills and imagination, I put together a photo of what such a proposal would look like.

 

. . .

 

Seven months pass, it's the day of your wedding, and you still haven't planned anything today's gonna be the best day of your life! A wedding is a very important day, and just just for the guests, they're still deciding between coming to be polite, or not coming, but only because they know you only invited them to be polite and really you don't want them to come. Back to my point, it's an important day for you and your beloved tankess as well, so you've got to act your finest and make sure nothing ruins your day.^[11] I'd suggest creating a private battle and sitting in it until the wedding. As a bonus, you can pass the time by equipping Smoky, flipping at one corner of the map, and try to get to the other side of the map with the impact force of your turret alone (my record's 8 hours on Stadium). Alternatively, if you're a big drugger, you can join a parkour battle and kill everyone. That always satisfies me (until I get banned for it).

 

But now, for the wedding itself. Well, I'm gonna be perfectly honest, I've never actually had a Tanki wedding (I don't know if you've noticed), so I'll let this very cringy interesting video of @Ilia.ArchangeIs' and s' "wedding" speak for itself.^[12]

 

 

On a side note; every wedding needs a photographer and who better to ask than your local wannabe spectator, me! Here is just an example of what I can make your wedding look like.

 

 

 

 

^[13]

 

As you can see, I offer cringe free photography only.

 

 

Phase #6 — The breakup

 

Well, in some cases you may eventually get bored of your tankess, or maybe it's that you found another tankess (whom you like more). Or maybe– Hold on, I'm getting a PM...

 

^[14]

 

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And that's just about it, surprisingly. I hope you enjoyed reading this peice of mine and I wish you all the best in finding the girl you love. This has been your nuthead, Yisroel.Rabin, and until next time, see you on the battlefield!

 

 

Written by

@Yisroel.Rabin with help from Anonymous

 

^__________

^[1] Out of the fear that some may not get the joke: Darren4Turbo; GoldRock; Remaine; and beaku.

^[2] Can I say that?

^[3] If they don't use Isida, there's a chance they're a guy doing a pretty damn bad job on pretending to be a girl for fame.

^[4] And Freezes in mirror are closer than they appear (so get the hell outta there).

^[5] Boy, Tanki’s useless ideas saved your life once again!

^[6] Yea... Your not the first to take my awesome advice, clearly the last guys we extremely successful.

^[7] *giggle*

^[8] Hmm, maybe something like "Marry me <3"? Oh, yes, that's already taken by someone who genuinely proposed on Tanki (link)... Noob.

^[9] Yep, keep tellin' yourself that.

^[10] Lesson for life: too much kissing can kill you (or your loved one, in this case).

^[11] Kinda the opposite to what happens in all the movies.

^[12] WARNING: Video contains cringe. You've been warned.

^[13] Special thanks to I3est and CooperO for practically being robotic mannequins which listened and obeyed every move I told them to do.

^[14] OK fine, I'll be nice. Here.

Edited August 17, 2017 by Yisroel.Rabin
¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[GoldRock 6,165]

Approved.

 

ty for advice now i can get more tanki gf :blush:

[Darren4Turbo 4,913]

nub.

[O.S.A.N 714]

Well structured article :lol:

[Guest Maserati]

hh.. ok

[wolfik87654321 53]

Wow :D

[omrot 2,327]

Great advice Yisroel. This is 100% gonna work on every girlz

 

Edit: OmG it is de Dabasaur. I have officially seen it all

Edited October 28, 2016 by omrot

[joe123_Superman 430]

I thought that tanki online wasn't a dating website

[VaudeVille 1,428]

Perhaps some people have enough time to waste.

[Blackdrakon30 2,943]

Quite well, done, excellent job. Great sense of humor and well constructed.  :lol:

[Penguin40 1,714]

Nug, exactly what we'd expect from nug rabin. Jkk

[Ninja 10,468]

Plx, i ned fr3e crestalz to giv my gf.

 

Nice article, btw, just what I'd expect from a nug.

[Lewis.Hamilton 1,110]

Dafaq bro :D Very good and helpful ^_^

[Regency 2,099]

lol

[ToHoYoNTaDa 1,147]

How to get a Boyfriend in Tanki?

[Hadi_destroyer_2 119]

How to get a Boyfriend in Tanki?

I agree!

[Hadi_destroyer_2 119]

Your using your alt account Yisroel.R

[Magenta 5,165]

:lol:

[dan146_tanker 770]

How to get a Boyfriend in Tanki?

Its only a matter of time before someone create that topic lol. :lol:

Edited October 29, 2016 by dan146_tanker

[Hex 11,520]

:mellow:

 

Good read!

[Yisroel.Rabin 16,224]

How to get a Boyfriend in Tanki?

Its only a matter of time before someone create that topic lol. :lol:

(bandit)

[TTK_229 1,080]

Coke for you

[Spit_Fyre 334]

Lol! Cracked me up. :lol:

 

This must have taken a good bit of effort - very well put together!

[BLASTER872 1,892]

i folow tipz y i hav no gf?

[MSI 1,926]

There are many boys who try to impersonate  girls so be careful.

 

TO is not a dating site .-.

Edited October 30, 2016 by MSI