WIP Story, Chapters 2 + 3

[mydoom.exe 5,154]

Chapters 2 and 3 of the upcoming story I plan to publish. Progress is painfully slow, but I managed to edit parts of the intro and chapter 1 so that they are longer. I'd like to apologize to just about everyone for the long wait, blame my school. Anyhow, please enjoy this!

 

Ch. 2:

 

The man the General spoke of had a name, reputation, and nickname, obtained in that order. His name, Isaac Wolfe. He was a brilliant tactician, highly ambitious, and went a few degrees lower than having a ‘heart of stone’ – Wolfe was notorious for having a heart of ice, if he had one in the first place. Stories told of how he had once hunted down rabbits as a child then methodically picked apart each one, ensuring they stayed alive as long as possible so that he could study their internal organs.

 

Of course, reality was far from what the legends said. Wolfe didn’t hunt the rabbits himself – nobility were used to having their servants do tasks for them. Rather, he sent a huntsman to bring the rabbits back to him, and when he did conduct his experiments, each subject was long dead. But that wouldn’t make for an interesting story, so when Wolfe rose to the top with his trademark cruelty and intelligence, the truth was twisted, as it is with any legend, be it old or new.

 

His reputation was very easily obtained, people are willing to say anything if their lives depend on it. If Wolfe succeeded in his job, he would be well-rewarded, as many, if not all, of his tasks bordered on the edge of superhuman feats. On the rare occasion that Wolfe somehow didn’t succeed, he would go to any length to ensure the defeat did not reach a single man’s ears. And once multiple murders and threats were in place, he would be well-rewarded anyways. After all, if he was to succeed in his missions, he had to be feared, and not as a human, but as a hostile identity, omnipresent and omnipotent. Wolfe ensured his enemies could not understand him, could not beat him, and could not touch him. That way, his success rate grew ever higher, as incompetent enemy targets would make mistakes out of fear, get killed, then their subordinates would make bigger mistakes based on their superiors’ original misfortune, and the vicious cycle continued until the entire chain of command was obliterated.

 

Wolfe earned his nickname, “Coyote”, through a combination of the previous two factors. The last name of “Wolfe” combined with inhuman malice and intellect practically begged for the nickname to be implemented, and Wolfe accepted it in earnest. He wanted to be associated with a nickname and not a human name, as human names were easier to associate with, and thus less easy to fear.

 

And this malevolent entity, not quite even human anymore, was the one General McRyde was sending for.

 

 

Ch. 3:

 

Isaac Wolfe did not take kindly to the request sent by the Order. It was worded as a request, but in reality, Wolfe really didn’t have a choice. The Order did not send requests; it sent polite orders that looked like requests. This pissed Wolfe off – he was used to issuing ‘requests’, not receiving them.

But regardless of feelings, that request couldn’t be ignored.

 

Wolfe got up off his chair and looked around. His office was still the badly-lit industrial cavern it had been 2 months ago, when he had started his latest job on an assassination. Papers were strewn across the antique mahogany desk, and stacks of books sat near the dying lamp in the corner. There was a dust-free clearing of about 2 feet wide near the wall, where Wolfe’s shotgun used to be, but that got stolen by some nitwit he mistakenly hired. Of course, the fool was found only days later in an alleyway, head severed and body mutilated, though the shotgun was never recovered.

 

The request itself couldn’t be seen – Wolfe had thrown it in the trash can, but the messenger who delivered it was still at the door. He had obviously expected Wolfe to treat it with more respect, it being from the Order’s headquarters.

 

“Sir Isaac-”

 

At this, Wolfe looked irritated. He had been irritated since the request got sent in with the messenger, but this was the first time he had let it show.

 

“Just ‘Wolfe’ will do fine. I haven’t been a ‘sir’ in several years now.”

 

“Well then, Wolfe, the Order expects you at their headquarters no later than a week from now at noon. You accept?”

 

Wolfe stared at the messenger. If looks could kill, he would be a mass murderer in hours.

 

“Yes, of course I accept. If I don’t, I’ll be severely punished, won’t I?”

 

The messenger smirked. “Well, I’m afraid that’s the case. I’ll bring your decision down to the-”

 

“No need. I’ll do it myself.”

 

And with that, Isaac Wolfe left the messenger standing in the hallway.

 

---

 

Messengers are so old-fashioned. There is no need for common courtesy when said courtesy acts snide towards the recipient of the message, what is the point?

 

Wolfe left the messenger to his own devices in the hallway – he could pay for the coffee bills. What was bugging him was the fact that he had been summoned in the first place. If the Order had come to him for tactical guidance, the war on the Battlefield couldn’t have been going well. Wolfe personally didn’t care whether the Legionnaires or the Order won that fight, he would be able to survive and thrive above all other walks of society regardless, but if the Legionnaires not only won the Battlefield, but other major sites as well, Wolfe knew that there would be far too many negative consequences for not only him, but billions of other lives. Not that he cared about the lives, but business would be at an all-time low. Bad news.

 

Wolfe cursed under his breath. This would very likely be the biggest job he had yet ever faced, which Wolfe certainly didn’t appreciate. He was used to finishing assignments in days, hours even. If the job handed to him was to win the Battlefield for the Order, it would take time and effort. Lots of it. The Legionnaires’ mindless minions would always trump the Order’s flesh and blood soldiers, yet for whatever idiotic reason, General McRyde believed said soldiers were better than robots. Something about conscience and “fighting for the homeland”. Step one would have to be getting McRyde to switch to mechanical fighters, as soon as possible. Wolfe made a mental note to tell it to the General as soon as he got to his office.

 

Wolfe strolled up to the door of the Order’s main quarters in his area and looked up. He had walked by the building possibly thousands of times on his way to business meetings, yet, as it was designed to do, it never ceased to amaze him. The building itself was polished to a shine, crisp, fresh, and almost as-new. The building was also tall, easily the tallest one for hundreds of miles in any and every direction. The window glass on every floor was reinforced – nothing short of a missile attack would crack even one sheet, let alone penetrate it. Security robots patrolled the premises endlessly, so much so that Legionnaire-coordinated terror attacks had ceased completely. And finally, like the cherry on top of a cake, the entire structure was protected by a high energy shield to stop laser-oriented attacks completely.

 

And with one swipe of a card, the Coyote was inside.

 

---

 

General McRyde already expected Coyote to get past his defenses and human guards. That was an easy feat for him, especially considering he had a copy of the master card General McRyde issued to all his most trusted servants and friends. McRyde was also expecting Coyote to try and persuade him to switch to robotic warriors. It was obvious to a man like Coyote that the General needed help on the Battlefield, and so had turned to him. It was also blatantly obvious to Coyote that the Legionnaires were winning precisely because of their robots, which could react faster and absorb more damage than normal humans. However, the reason the General hadn’t done it yet was precisely that. The Legionnaires would be surprised by the Order’s forces when they fought ferociously, since they were fighting for their homes. As well, human fighters could distinguish between right and wrong, and would never kill civilians if they could help it.

 

A comm. call interrupted McRyde’s thoughts.

 

“General, it appears that Coyote is late. Shall we fetch him?”

 

The General sighed, neither he nor his subordinates could exactly tell what Coyote looked like, or whether he was even present. He liked staying as invisible as possible, only surfacing when absolutely necessary. The only surefire way to tell was if he knocked on the door and announced his presence.

 

“No, he is already in the building. Coyote is never late for meetings. In fact, I’d be willing to bet money that he is going up the elevator to meet me now, the sly bastard.”

 

“Sir, the guards did not detecting anyone entering nor exiting the building , and security cams don’t show anyone suspicious in the elevators. With all due respect, perhaps you are mistaken?”

 

“Of course I’m not mistaken. His master card overrides every security command we have, and if there’s anyone in the elevator, we must assume it is him. He is a true master of disguise.”

 

“Yes, but sir, there’s only Perkinson and Bobbit in the elevators now, their faces are clearly visible.”

 

This was strange. Coyote could not possibly be late, that was just not him. But if he wasn’t in the elevator…

 

“Sir?”

 

General McRyde closed his eyes, turned around, and blinked slowly. He should have known Coyote was behind him all the while.

 

I plan to publish up until chapter 10 on the forums, and after that will be a surprise for the bookstores. If I manage to get a decent publisher, anyway.

 

Thanks for reading this, all, I truly appreciate the support. <3

Edited December 3, 2016 by Hexed

[Hex 11,520]

Approved.

 

Edits:

- One typo

 

On a side note, I would like to point out that you are a really talented writer. Good luck on getting this book to the stores. Furthermore, try to professionalize your articles. Don't include spoilers about what you are going to do next or did before as they can have an ugly impact on the article (You can include them in a 'Foreword' or something). I'll let em stay here for now, but in the future, I expect to see a head-banger. Good luck!

Edited December 3, 2016 by Hexed

[Blackdrakon30 2,943]

eee nice I look forwards to more

[awesomedude1025 186]

nice dude, ur a great writer, wow... :o :)

[DragonOfStorms 2,706]

Amazing. For publishing, I would try to get an agent if I were you. I realize that it would be tough, but it would certainly be worth it.

[hi-its-mebachoo_3000 1,247]

I started reading it but then........

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TL;DR

[mydoom.exe 5,154]

Amazing. For publishing, I would try to get an agent if I were you. I realize that it would be tough, but it would certainly be worth it.

Yeah, I'm searching as of now, if I find a good one, I'll reach them as soon as I finish up the book. Thanks DoS!

[basenji7 1,199]

Hey, great job Flabs! I really enjoyed reading it  ^_^

 

I will warn you though, it's going to be difficult to get a book published, not for lack of talent but simply the sheer amount of people trying to publish. Good luck though, can't wait to see what happens next!  :D

 

maybe good advice or not idk in spoiler:

 

 

 

McRyde was also expecting Coyote to try and persuade him to switch to robotic warriors. It was obvious to a man like Coyote that the General needed help on the Battlefield, and so had turned to him. It was also blatantly obvious to Coyote that the Legionnaires were winning precisely because of their robots, which could react faster and absorb more damage than normal humans. However, the reason the General hadn’t done it yet was precisely that. The Legionnaires would be surprised by the Order’s forces when they fought ferociously, since they were fighting for their homes. As well, human fighters could distinguish between right and wrong, and would never kill civilians if they could help it.

"precisely because" "the reason [...] precisely that" <-- perhaps another word could be used? the same word in two sentences in a row loses its effect. 

 

"as well, human forces blah blah" it might just be me, but using as well at the beginning of the sentence just sounds awkward. 

 

His reputation was very easily obtained, people are willing to say anything if their lives depend on it. lol, comma splice. If Wolfe succeeded in his job, he would be well-rewarded, as many, if not all, of his tasks bordered on the edge of superhuman feats. On the rare occasion that Wolfe somehow didn’t succeed, he would go to any length to ensure the defeat did not reach a single man’s ears. And once multiple murders and threats were in place, he would be well-rewarded anyways. After all, if he was to succeed in his missions, he had to be feared, and not as a human, but as a hostile identity, omnipresent and omnipotent. Wolfe ensured his enemies could not understand him, could not beat him, and could not touch him. That way, his success rate grew ever higher, as incompetent enemy targets would make mistakes out of fear, get killed, then "then" is not necessary as you are listing what is happening their subordinates would make bigger mistakes based on their superiors’ original misfortune, and the vicious cycle continued would continue until the entire chain of command was obliterated. some grammar stuff I guess 

 

Wolfe strolled up to the door of the Order’s main quarters in his area and looked up. He had walked by the building possibly thousands of times on his way to business meetings, yet, as it was designed to do, it never ceased to amaze him. The building itself was polished to a shine, crisp, fresh, and almost as-new idk about this one - it may be a word, but I've never seen it used, and besides, wording it that way sounds kinda weird.. The building was also tall, easily the tallest one for hundreds of miles in any and every direction. The window glass on every floor was reinforced – nothing short of a missile attack would crack even one sheet, let alone penetrate it. Security robots patrolled the premises endlessly, so much so (? idk) that Legionnaire-coordinated terror attacks had ceased completely. And finally, like the cherry on top of a cake, the entire structure was protected by a high energy shield to stop laser-oriented attacks completely.

Two more paragraphs (don't change what you don't feel like you have to - I know nothing k  :P) (but just look out for small stuff like this ok it really does help) (please continue writing I wanna read more) 

 

And no, I cannot write, but I can criticize others - I do it a lot :ph34r: (sorry!  :lol:) 

 

 

 

Honestly though, very very good. And I wanna know what happens next, please, I need more.... :ph34r:  :P

[pieface101 285]

Hmm... interesting story. One thing I would suggest would be to have a huge plot twist later on. Not one of those cheesy betrayals because we've all read them and they're old now  :ph34r: .

 

Also, I understand the conflict is against the Legionnaires, but it does not seem real. The General and the Coyote could be having a cup of coffee discussing stocks for all I care. I suggest making the readers fear the enemy. So that when a mission is sent into enemy territory, they shiver and their heart starts beating. One way to do this is to make the readers care for the good guys. If the main character is a slimy urchin, he could get slaughtered for all I care and the story would still end in a yawn. I feel like I don't care for the General or Coyote very much, mostly because they don't have the qualities that make people human. Love. Fear. Hate. Passion. The General just seems like a robot designed to help the Order. If he has something he cares about, someone, even basic emotion, then the story would be ten times better.

 

Nonetheless, great job!  ;)

Edited December 4, 2016 by pieface101

[mydoom.exe 5,154]

Hmm... interesting story. One thing I would suggest would be to have a huge plot twist later on. Not one of those cheesy betrayals because we've all read them and they're old now  :ph34r: .

 

Also, I understand the conflict is against the Legionnaires, but it does not seem real. The General and the Coyote could be having a cup of coffee discussing stocks for all I care. I suggest making the readers fear the enemy. So that when a mission is sent into enemy territory, they shiver and their heart starts beating. One way to do this is to make the readers care for the good guys. If the main character is a slimy urchin, he could get slaughtered for all I care and the story would still end in a yawn. I feel like I don't care for the General or Coyote very much, mostly because they don't have the qualities that make people human. Love. Fear. Hate. Passion. The General just seems like a robot designed to help the Order. If he has something he cares about, someone, even basic emotion, then the story would be ten times better.

 

Nonetheless, great job!  ;)

The aim I'm going for is to have the General be the more human side of the Order, while Coyote is far more nonchalant, and, should I go so far, evil. To get the shivers and chills I need, I plan to have several sections focused on Coyote's subordinates, who won't share his values, and will definitely be more relatable than the big guy himself. They're the ones being sent into enemy territory and will be the ones the audience is rooting for, while Coyote isn't meant to be relatable at all, but rather an admirable strategist, and the person pulling the strings both behind the scenes and out in front. And yeah, I'll try to give the General some emotion, though to be honest, as normally a horror writer, it's hard for me to do that lol. As for the plot twist, no worries, I have many, many, many of those in store for you. ;) I'll definitely do my best though, thanks for the tips!

 

Oh, and one final thing, I'll see if I can make the Legionnaires even more inhumane and despicable than Coyote. The way I write my own stories is to make everyone evil in one way or another, whether it's a minor evil or one helluva massive dark cloud. It's just that the villains are more evil than the good guys. I personally don't like having the typical naive young hero who goody-goodies through every problem, since it's rather cliche, though the challenge with my style is somehow finding an ending that satisfies the reader.

 

---

 

Thanks for the grammatical errors you pointed out, Basen and [anonymous], I won't be editing them in here on the TO forums, but know that the changes have been implemented in the saved copy on my computer.

 

Overall, thanks everybody for the compliments and tips! :)

Edited December 4, 2016 by mydoom.exe

[Kevred 1,586]

wow this deserves to be in professional libraries not in an online game forum

[pieface101 285]

I plan to have several sections focused on Coyote's subordinates, who won't share his values, and will definitely be more relatable than the big guy himself. They're the ones being sent into enemy territory and will be the ones the audience is rooting for,

Aha! Here's where the annoying meticulous side of me kicks in.  ;)

 

In the story, it says the Coyote wants to use ROBOTS, not HUMANS...  :P

 

Nonetheless, I still applaud this piece of work, don't get me wrong.

[mydoom.exe 5,154]

Aha! Here's where the annoying meticulous side of me kicks in.  ;)

 

In the story, it says the Coyote wants to use ROBOTS, not HUMANS...  :P

 

Nonetheless, I still applaud this piece of work, don't get me wrong.

Oh. Ohhh snap.

 

Thanks a lot for pointing that out, I didn't think that one over lol. I'll see what I can do to fix this up a little.

[GeeVuh 1,647]

Turn it into a Code Geass spinoff  :lol:

[mydoom.exe 5,154]

Turn it into a Code Geass spinoff  :lol:

 

 

lol. I wonder if it might happen, considering what the plotline I have planned out is.