[Issue 60] [Other] Tanki New Year's Resolutions

[Yisroel.Rabin 16,224]

 

In a game where we can freeze tanks with a freeze ray and get stalked by revolving bushes and trees, having a thing as random as a Tanki Online New Year's resolutions is no big surprise. Yet, somehow, I was never really able to wrap my head around it. I've seen tankers of all ranks spewing out things in the lobby chat like "my Tanki New Year's resolution is to rank up to Legend." Isn't that the point of the game? Actually, nevermind, I hate getting into the topic of "what's the point of the game?", because you find yourself stuck in an endless loop:

 

Dominate battles to earn crystals to buy new equipment to dominate more battles to earn more crystals to buy even better equipment. As you can see, ranking up actually has no beneficial role in the game.

 

Anyways, ignoring the fact that I got stuck in the endless loop after saying I wouldn't let's get back into the New Year's resolutions thing.

 

Why do we even make a New Year's resolution in the first place? I mean, you already know from previous and tough experiences that it's hard enough to keep your regular New Year's resolutions, so why'd you want to give yourself an even harder time by making yourself a Tanki New Year's resolution? And not only that, Tanki New Year's resolutions are kind of bad for one's self. Like, for example; "I take upon myself to get 300 000 crystals this winter." By saying that, believe it or not, you've just taken upon yourself to take time you could be using to do something productive, like building a miniature snowman out of the mash potatoes on your plate which you don't want to eat, and actually use it for gaining pixels on your computer screen (which you can easily photoshop anyways). Weren't these things meant to be positive? I take upon myself to build a miniature snowman out of mash potatoes.

 

Also, what happens if your New Year's resolution contradicts your Tanki one? If you take upon yourself to get good grades, and to become a Legend 5, you've put yourself in the realm of impossible (welcome to my world: write articles for the Tanki newspaper and stay in school). Everyone knows this fragment of logic:

 

Video games + good grades = no social life

Video games + social life = bad grades

Social life + good grades = no video games

Social life + video games + good grades = no sleep

 

I guess you're stuck in a never ending loop again. Good luck.

 

Additionally, everyone knows the famous joke; no one ever actually keeps their New Year's resolutions (unless your name is Fen-Harel, in which case you aren't the average human). If so, nevermind Tanki New Year's resolutions, why do we even spend five minutes thinking of a regular one (especially if the one you come up with "I take upon myself to not waste time")? I'd guess it's because if we don't make one, we're considered a bad person, or something like that. And even though every single person knows you're only making one to look good, they can't point it out because they're in exactly the same situation.

 

If you've made a New Years' resolution, and told it to someone other than your teddy bear, you know that you constantly have debates about whether you regret making it or not in your head. These debates usually take place at the fancy dinner table, while your uncle is telling you about the tree he cut down with a pocket knife. The fact that you wouldn't complete the mundane task anyhow doesn't matter whatsoever. The fact is you said it and now you have to act like you're actually taking upon yourself to do it, even to your own brain. How disloyal we can get at times.

 

Whoever invented New Year's resolutions should be ashamed of himself. Oh, hold on, lemme check that up...

 

Ok, Babylonians and Romans – you should be ashamed of yourselves.

 

But it's quite funny, isn't it? It seems New Year's resolutions are all about being more honest to one another, but once again, it seems time changes everything. As I've explained, New Year's resolutions are nothing of the sort anymore. Now they're the opposite of honest; they even cause one to lie to his own brain (it's sort of the time I somehow turned my 'F-' to a 'B+' and felt like I actually got a B+).

 

But I suppose it doesn't really matter, because Santa only watches (although I prefer the word 'stalks') us for the first few days of the year before getting bored and going back to bed until early December, when he gets paid to be in more than one mall at the same time and have children sit on his expensive attire, telling him the useless information which goes into one ear and flies out the other, regardless of how dirty the child is (parents really don't seem to care about Santa's well-being, maybe that's why they always get clothing for Christmas). Thus being, he only judges everyone with those first few days where you hopefully didn't break your New Year's resolutions yet. Hopefully.

 

But then again, besides Santa, there are quite a few other unnamed stalkers in the EN community...

 

Getting back on track, and in all seriousness this time (although you know I'm never actually serious), New Year's resolutions are a good thing. Why is that? Well, think about it, besides being an awesome conversation starter (perhaps the best one, besides "you wanna hear how I cut down a tree with a pocket knife?"), it won't fail to keep you busy. Think about it: you take up five to ten minutes just thinking of one (times that by three because one "useless taking upon oneself" just isn't enough). Add the three hours total you waste telling your siblings, parents, cousins, uncles, aunts, grandparents, great-grandparents, and if you're fortunate enough to have one unlike most of my colleagues, your mate about it. Plus the other hour you spend debating whether you regret taking upon yourself to shovel the driveway or not while shoveling the driveway. Adding that all up you end up with an estimated twenty-four hours of things to do. But in the end, I guess it's more of a time killer. Why do we always end up with a negative conclusion?

 

But in Tanki Online, New Year's resolutions are anything but a time killer. When one takes upon himself to accomplish a goal in Tanki Online, he's just setting a new rule for himself to break. With that thought in mind, I just had an ingenious idea – go to the rules, close your eyes, scroll down to around what you feel is the middle of the page, double click (highlight something), and that's your New Year's resolution!

 

2.3.14. Any form of discrimination by gender, age, religion or other characteristics;

(In other words: "I take upon myself not to, in any form, discriminate anyone by gender, age, religion or other characteristics.")

 

Lemme know what you get.

 

Sometimes, we even take it a bit too far and take it upon ourselves to do something we know we simply cannot and will not accomplish. Something like "I take upon myself to quit Tanki Online this month." The good thing about Tanki New Year's resolutions is that it isn't documented anywhere. Meaning, as dumb as your siblings may be, if you tell them you take upon yourself to get a six-pack before March, they'll never forget about it, and won't stop bugging you about it. Whereas in Tanki, if you tell your friend you take upon yourself to quit Tanki this month, you don't actually have to do it. And if you mention it on the forum, just hide your post, that way no one can see it (except Santa's elves, more commonly known as the forum moderators).

 

Tanki should host a contest of some sort, to encourage tankers to make, and more importantly keep Tanki New Year's resolutions. There could be a sort of system where you can either take the New Year's resolution Tanki automatically gives you, or you can pay a couple of crystals to exchange it for another one. There would also be rewards for completing the resolutions and– Oh wait, I'm thinking of Daily Missions... Great.

 

One day people will be roaming the streets, bumping into old friends to discuss the joke of a resolution they'd stormed up this year. The prospect of us willingly admitting that this whole system is all one big conversation starter and a time waster wrapped in lies and subconscious doubtings isn't so hard to comprehend. I'm actually doing just that right now!

 

I'd actually like to end this article off with a quote from a columnist who's birthday is actually today, January 6th (the irony).

 

“Making resolutions is a cleansing ritual of self-assessment and repentance that demands personal honesty and, ultimately, reinforces humility. Breaking them is part of the cycle.”

— Eric Zorn

 

Hey, look, I took upon myself to write this article, and I did! I guess I'm not the average human after all.

 

 

~ @Yisroel.Rabin

 

Edited January 6, 2017 by Shedinja

[arnav0506 2,777]

Yisroel The Philosopher not reporter

[V.I.R.4.J 625]

Sometime i wonder y do people even bother to waste their time on writing these articles?

Edited January 24, 2017 by V.I.R.4.J