The Tanki Tribune: Edition 2

[pieface101 285]

The Tanki Tribune

 

Developers Swiping Crystals Right Out of Our Pockets?

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TANKI - Most tankers rely on a steady supply of crystals to account for their numerous hulls, turrets, paints, and supplies. Whether it's the fact that they are relatively easy to obtain, or the complete makeover that they can do to a tank, crystals are one of the most central aspects of Tanki. Denying the fact is pointless; just look at the adrenaline rush a gold box can bring about!

 

However, recent developments have led members of the Tribune to investigate a scandal. According to a tip off by an anonymous reader, developers have been slowly funneling crystals away from our accounts. Numerous reports have already been filed, and a major strike may be on our hands.

 

"I logged on one day to find out that I had 100,799 crystals," an enraged tanker tells us, "Even though yesterday I could have sworn I had 100,800 crystals. I'm one crystal short of being able to buy everything I ever wanted for Christmas. That means I have to actually work to earn that crystal by battling. The horror!"

 

Indeed, similar situations are happening all over the Tanki community. "As a very frugal person in real life, I am sad to see even a single crystal go," explains an anonymous tanker, "however, I still do not understand the importance of taking a single crystal from a depressed tanker, thinking they will not notice."

 

According to our statistics team, there are anywhere from twenty thousand to twenty million tankers. If Tanki takes a single crystal from every tanker, then that would mean Tanki would have anywhere from twenty thousand to twenty million crystals. "Now that's a lot of money they're funneling away from us at a time," explains George Washington, the professor of mathematics at Tanki University, "because that's twenty to twenty thousand gold boxes the developers are catching in the blink of an eye. That's more gold boxes than most tankers catch in their lives."

 

One possible explanation for the purpose of this crystal cache is to pay the community helpers. "That's right. Recently, Newspaper Reporters went on strike and didn't make a 'Best of AWC' for Issue 59 of the Tanki Online Newspaper (which is in no way, shape or form superior to the Tanki Tribune)." explains a Tanki historian. "Apparently, their paycheck of CENSORED (EDIT BY PROOFREADER : UNCENSORED - 1 CRYSTAL) wasn't enough."

 

In order to confirm this theory, we visited the houses of several reporters and ex-reporters alike. Most notably, while trespassing on GoldRock's property, we caught glimpse of a small bag filled with what appeared to be the sought after substance. When questioned, all the admin had to say was that "I never received any crystals, nor have any other members of the crew. Also, how did you noobs get in here?"

 

Despite GoldRock's claims, we have conclusive evidence that such a conspiracy may be taking place. We visited a secret organization who is too important to be disclosed even to this day. "Although people think we are a bunch of conspiracy theorists, what we do is actually based on fact." explains an agent to us. "After all, theories are founded on evidence, and evidence is fact. What we know for sure is that a very sketchy scheme is taking place, but when we send an agent to observe the disappearing crystals, for some reason, they observe nothing of importance. However, the second they walk out the door, and I literally mean the exact second, we get hundreds of calls."

 

The worst part is, we are up against the developers of the game, not some obscure group of hackers. That means the very creators of the game itself is leeching our currency. "This poses a problem that there are only two solutions to. Both are very unpalatable to say the least." a strategist tells us. "First, we can spend all our crystals to prevent leeching. As it is, there are many lines of code and firewalls to prevent crystals to spontaneously generate. That makes it impossible for admins to magically make crystals appear out of nowhere, thus without any tankers to pick on, we reach a stalemate. However, almost no one wants to spend all their hard earned crystals like described. A second solution would be to organize a massive strike, but doing so would require tons of coordination and communication, which we lack."

 

A third possibility would be the use of Teletubbies, but we have not sorted out the details of that yet. Nonetheless, we are making progress. An organization called Bank of America has decided to support the Tanki community. "That's right," a spokesperson told us, "as your plight touches our very hearts. It is our primary responsibility to make sure that all our subjects, I mean customers, are safe and happy. Thus we let you keep your crystals safe in our banks."

 

However, Bank of America has scandals of its own. Recently, it has begun partaking in its favorite pastime: hidden fees, rivaling those of the actual Tanki developers. It has also begun shutting down accounts and giving innocent tankers credit cards. "My son has recently spent $1000 on a 'Railgun M2', whatever that is," says an exasperated parent to us, "I just wish he would learn to be bit more financially intelligent. Also, can you please tell him not to post pictures of his credit card on Twitter?"

 

"The truth is, there is nothing good to do." says a no-drugs advocate. "No matter where you turn, there is corruption, corruption, and corruption. It's like watching a Nicolas Cage movie, only the Nicolas Cage movie is worse."

 

As we tankers struggle to keep float and hold fast to our crystals, the Tanki Tribune will keep you posted on all the latest news. "Remember, not all is lost." our motivational quotes team reminds us. "There are many people that are nice and will help. Just as long as it's not one of those jerks with the halo. It's not stylish at all in case you were wondering."

 

-Pieface101,

Freelance writer for the Tanki Tribune

 

 

Ask Tanker

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Dear Tanker,

If someone joins Monte Carlo with Hunter and Twins, do you think they will be banned automatically?

 

Sincerely,

I_already_won

 

 

Dear I_already_won,

That is a great question, which there is not a simple answer to. Although we can only speculate, our conspiracy theorists believe that the probability that such an event occurs is around -72.4%, which for you Americans is about 42 feet or 14 yards. Of course to be extremely scientific, we must convert that to Kelvin, which you can easily do yourself here, as our mathematical team is taking an ahem... nap.

 

However, certain factors may influence the occurrence of the event. For example, if the username begins with "Gold" and ends with "Rock", then yes, they will be banned 110% of the time. If the tanker also sports Blue paint, and/or has a certain liking to Blue paint, then yes, they will be banned. If the tanker has a certain liking to writing emotional stories about random objects, then yes... I mean no, they will not be banned.

 

To find a full list of these factors, we are happy to help, and you can ask one of our professionals. According to our graduation photos, we have two Harvard graduates, four Princeton alumni, seven from Yale, and one photoshopper. They will answer any of your questions if you email them, give them your Tanki Username, password, social security number, and your mother's maiden name. For a quick question, we suggest you go here.

 

We sincerely hoped this help, and recommend you do not use the combination on Monte Carlo, as Hunter Twins is one of the ugliest combos to drive this map, rivaling the dreaded ugly and powerful Mammoth and Isida. We also highly recommend you do not use unsightly fonts such as "Arial", "Times New Roman", and especially "Comic Sans".

 

Sincerely,

El Tanker

 

 

Edited December 23, 2016 by Yisroel.Rabin

[Yisroel.Rabin 16,224]

First off, sorry for the late approval. I reserved to proofread/approve your article because of how much I liked the last one. And once again you did not fail to entertain, I highly recommened people read this as well as the last one if haven't already. T'was truly entertaining.

 

I like how you make good use of "reliable sources" and have "them" interviewed. Also, the occasionaly r3kts to famous players is a nice touch.

 

As goes for English, it was perfect. Zero grammar, spelling, and punctuation mistakes which I could find. Besides you didn't capitalize the 't' in 'Tanki' once. No biggie.

 

Amazing job!

 

Channel your talents!

Edited December 23, 2016 by Yisroel.Rabin

[Blackdrakon30 2,943]

Quite nice piece! I really like the form of humor that you used, and sincerely hope that you continue this series. It suites your style. ;)  

[NERF836 202]

Quite nice piece! I really like the form of humor that you used, and sincerely hope that you continue this series. It suites your style. ;)

 

ditto

[tweezers 1,034]

Reminiscent of Goldmults Dictator series. Awesome stuff dude, I look forward to the next part!

[Spit_Fyre 334]

We visited a secret organization who is too important to be disclosed even to this day.

 

As we tankers struggle to keep float and hold fast to our crystals, the Tanki Tribune will keep you posted on all the latest news.

 

As goes for English, it was perfect. Zero grammar, spelling, and punctuation mistakes which I could find.

.

 

 

 

Too scared to type anything for the fear of being judged, persecuted and posterized on a piece of tanki paper. :ph34r:

 

 

[Yisroel.Rabin 16,224]

.

 

 

 

Too scared to type anything for the fear of being judged, persecuted and posterized on a piece of tanki paper. :ph34r:

 

 

How dare you argue with my judgement!?!?

Edited January 4, 2017 by Yisroel.Rabin

[Total_SkiIl 1,983]

wow

[Spit_Fyre 334]

How dare you argue with my judgement!?!?

!!!

 

I want my mommy