The Tanki Tribune: Edition 3

[pieface101 285]

The Tanki Tribune: Edition 3

Dear admin plz drop me a gold box :(

 

 

Lag Terrorizes the Community

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Tanki. Imagine a peaceful Kungur CTF, with its array of different combinations and tactical positions. Tanks glide about smoothly, engaging in combat every now and then, and taking attempts at the flag. It seems as if this battle will be one of the rare ones that go unmolested by mults, saboteurs, and unfair teams. Alas, as a Hornet darts back to his base with the enemy's flag fluttering above, his screen suddenly freezes. The fps drops dangerously low, while the PING shoots higher than the moon. He watches in horror as his tank teleports halfway across the globe, dropping the flag, before going up in a not-so-blaze of glory.

 

Instances like the ones described above are becoming an increasingly common occurrence throughout the Tanki community. "I was going to catch a Gold Box. It would have been my sixth or seventh, but unfortunately, I passed right through and flew off the edge of the map." recalls a distressed tanker last Monday. "This has to be one of the worst plagues since '12."

 

Indeed, the year 2017 does not seem to be off to a good start. According to a recent poll, 100% of Tankers polled claimed to be experiencing heavy lag, although it should be noted that all of them were using Internet Explorer. "Just a few hours ago, I was invincible, but I couldn't kill anyone either. Am I supposed to be invincible?" recounted a particularly sketchy tank.

 

Everywhere we went, tankers always seemed to have particularly interesting stories about this recent bout of lag. From insane parkour, to going through walls, there are enough incredible stories to fill up a colony of bookworms. However, our absolute favorite had to be from GoldRock himself. "I got a kill. A legitimate kill all by myself." the legend told reporters yesterday by the beaches of Rio. "Maybe I can capitalize on this lag and get another. However, that's highly unlikely. I bet Night_Sisters will admit Blue paint is ugly before I get another legitimate kill, even with the help of lag."

 

These highly unlikely situations beg the question: What caused this lag? There are many theories, including bugs, hackers, bad servers, WiFi, Jason Bourne, God, Spaghetti, UV radiation, the Illuminati, or Godmode_ON. However, the most logical explanation for this crisis seems to be alien intervention.

 

"We scientists like to base our hypotheses on experimental observation." Isaac Newton, director of the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence, or SETI, told us last week. "There have been multiple reports of alien sightings this past week. We have good reason to believe in these stories, as they come from many credible sources including, but not limited to, 4chan."

 

The closest life-sustaining star system to our very own solar system is none other than Alpha Centauri. Situated four light years from Earth, it has been impossible for scientists to make contact. So what exactly made them interfere with our beloved TO?

 

"Cookies," explains conspiracy theorist King George III. "No intelligent civilization lacks a craving for cookies. Now since Alpha Centauri is four light years away, and the fastest speed in the universe is the Usain Bolt, or 27.7 mph, we can be assured that they must have sent out the interfering radio waves at least millennia ago, which is scary because we didn't have radios millennia ago. We are not sure how sending out those radio waves were part of Alpha Centauri's plans to steal our cookies, but we warn all grandmothers to never share any recipes."

 

"Great." remarked a foodie at a Save the Cookies rally earlier today. "Now I have to worry about my little brother AND aliens stealing my cookies. What hope do decent people have in this cruel, cruel, world, what with Trump as president and Don't Pokemon Go and Drive signs on the highways?"

 

However, not all is lost. "We are close to a solution." promised a team of professional procrastinators to an anxious crowd. "We just need the motivation and cookies that such a difficult undertaking will require, before we begin the brainstorming phase. After that, it will be a piece of cake. We plan to have this done before the end of the century."

 

Developers also assure us that they are working to resolve this ongoing crisis. "Lag is an incredibly hard infection to combat, and should the merits outweigh the sacrifices, we shall probably consider to maybe fix a line of code or two."

 

While several minor groups are also working to find a solution to the issue, other tankers are organizing pep rallies and "lagger hunts", events to capture and interrogate individuals suspected of capitalizing on the chronic lethargy. "I wanna catch 'em all, you know? Those lagger noobs mults. Unfortunately, there are too many of them. Our developers ain't done nothing since '06, and we are too few. They roam the streets like the world spins 'round them." curses one individual.

 

As mults and laggers continue to reign supreme, toppling the throne of the "gold box pls admin", the Tanki Tribune will keep you posted on all the latest news.

 

- Pieface101, freelance writer for the Tanki Tribune

 

 

 

Ask Tanker

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Dear Tanker,

How do you dodge a Railgun shot?

 

Sincerely,

Puzzled.

 * * * * *

 

Dear Puzzled,

That is a great question. A Railgun's shot is perhaps one of the hardest shots to dodge, as it travels at the speed of a Usain Bolt, or 27.7 mph. Since the width of your screen is presumably less than 0.001 miles, a Railgun shot will travel across your screen in literally the blink of an eye.

 

However, a practical way of training your eyes and muscles to slam down on the arrow keys at a moment's notice is to watch James Bond movies and learn from the best. In addition, try to type at least seven essays a day.

 

Overall, it takes nothing more than timing, skill and perseverance. Practice in a small map because you can see the shot easier. For better training, spend all your crystals on a Railgun M3. It's worth it.

 

Hope this helped,

Tanker.

Edited January 6, 2017 by Hexed

[Hex 11,520]

Approved.

 

Edits:

- Changed font size to 14, from 18,

- One typo, one grammar mistake, and

- Changed overall look to make it look better and beautiful.

[tweezers 1,034]

 lagger noobs mults. 

Somebody call me?

[Yisroel.Rabin 16,224]

Oh, yes! Another one of these! I haven't read it yet, but I will as soon as I invent something called 'free time'. If this one's anything like the first two, you got my liking.

[Spit_Fyre 334]

"They roam the streets like the world spins 'round them"

 

:P

 

My cookies refuse to get bitten after I dunk em in my cup of tea. Fishy cookies, if you ask me. I blame the lag!

[NERF836 202]

Ur gud

[TTK_229 1,080]

¿¡

[pieface101 285]

And all of a sudden, 90% of my articles surface to the front page.

 

Someones gonna think I'm a spammer  :ph34r: