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The Tanki Tribune: Edition 4


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The Tanki Tribune

Wait for the Mammoth to cross the road...

 

Coup of the EN Community Manager Spot Sparks Riots

 

TANKI - A man who has widely been praised and criticized as one of the most influential Community Managers, Cedric Debono, may be finally facing the end of his rule. Over the course of the past year, he has made many important changes to Tanki such as donning that stylish halo (I know, we criticized it in Edition 2 and we would like to offer a formal apology). However, recent developments have suggested that the colonies of Tanki have rebelled in anger and demanded a free democracy once and for all.

 

Just this past Tuesday, there have been reports in EN 3 of mults refusing to fight in a Polygon CP. Whether they simply are AFK, or are stubbornly surfing the net while leaving the tab open, we may never now. Others are taking a more violent approach by spamming the chat with such kind words as #$@!, @#$%!, and @#$@!.

 

Still others are taking out their anger by equipping the fearsome Striker with Dragon paint, and cornering community helpers in battles, before firing barrage after barrage, salvo after salvo, of flaming goodness. A battered Yisroel.Rabin was the only one available for comment.

 

...

Sir, should we insert fliller?

 

Never mind, he's dead.

 

Tanki has retaliated against these riots with a fearsome system of police going by the sinister name "moderators". They have cracked down on the hardest cases, banning two people a minute in some servers, a record low.

 

"You gotta make them lick their wounds, you know? That's why we admins never drop gold boxes when they ask nicely." a developer reported on these constant clashes.

 

Despite all of Tanki's attempts to quell the riots, there can still be young firebrands seen in EN 4 rallying up the crowds with such inspirational quotes as "Pros only", "Come for gold", and "Any grls?". One such wayward young lad initiated a strike on catching gold boxes, formally known as "Save the Gold" or STG. When asked what his intention was, he assured us that "it is fun and entertaining". Whether it is a code to some of his followers is still to be decided.

 

As the tension grows, groups of tankers have banded up to oppose the fighting. "We recently started a peaceful march on the streets of Alexandrovsk. Non-violence is incredibly important to us, so even if we get roasted by Firebirds, we still will not retaliate." explains a leader of the pacifist belief. "Unfortunately, we only have one or two followers including Absolute Pacifist and Smeargle. Anyone willing to join our cause must complete the initiation process by reading the EULA, the Terms of Use, etc., recite the hundred page long google doc containing the pacifist oath, and bake a fresh batch of cookies to be delivered to HQ (rules require the cookies to be still warm and contain chocolate chips)."

 

Still other tankers spend their time reminiscing about the "good old days" of Tanki to young lads. Although harder to find, a Semyon Kirov was found in the darkest corners of the forum exclaiming how "back then he was still community manager". This comment was soon followed by a smart aleck who retorted "I thought you quit Tanki, nug". Needless to say, he was never heard from again.

 

In the face of these radical changes to Tanki, our beloved community manager, Cedric Debono, has agreed to step down from his podium of glory in the near future to allow for a free election. The exact rules have not been agreed upon, but a plan has been sketched up.

 

These actions prompted several nugs to question whether anything could be voted upon. Simple things like the official turret of Tanki and whether XC was a legit format were debated, and one nug even went so far as to vote on the ugliness of Blue paint, to which the NS replied "Shut up GoldRock".

 

As this new story unfolds, the Tanki Tribune will keep you posted on stuff. OK you can have the mike now *click

 

-Pieface101, freelance writer for the Tanki Tribune

Edited by tweezers
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