[Issue 62] [Story] An Extraordinarily Average Day

[mydoom.exe 5,154]

 

 

I was sleeping when the garage door opened.

 

It’s a little-known fact that tanks do indeed sleep, despite not being “sentient beings” like those fancy-shmancy drivers like to call themselves. But yes, we do feel tired, we do have emotions, and we do get frustrated when our drivers ram us down a pitfall for the millionth time. Honestly, you all should utilize the ‘page-up’ and ‘page-down’ functions on your keyboard – that would save us all a whole lot of awkward moments.

 

But I digress from the main point, which would be my driver opening the garage door on me. While I was asleep. Of course, I woke up shortly after, but it was still something rather unpleasant in my day. I mean, how would you like it if you were sleeping in, and then someone, I don’t know what kind of being drives humans, but someone just busted down your door, and then drove you straight into battle with no warning at all? Seems a little rude, I would think. Anyhow, after the little surprise, I got transported straight into the waiting area, or as you “sentient beings” like to call it, “The Loading Screen”. For me, some days it takes about 20 seconds to get to the main area, with all the battle button-thingies, but other days, it takes upwards of 10 minutes just to crawl halfway. Those days, my driver usually gets extremely cranky, and then types loads of mean stuff in battles. Then he gets banned and leaves the game. Seriously, I wish I could say I understood him, but I don’t. Why would you just make a situation worse, I wonder?

 

Thankfully, this time it only took about eight-and-a-half minutes, so I’m guessing my driver got a decent 2 mbps worth of internet speed for once. Good for him! We managed to get a sweet spot in a Noise battle, so I revved up my engine for the Red Team’s glory, felt my M1 Firebird grow warmer, hungry for action, and I spawned filled to the brim with bloodlust, raring to kill…and I instantly got one-shotted by a Railgun. Just like any normal battle, I’m glad to see everyone is so welcoming here! The battle chat even introduced itself for us:

 

The__Greatest1: NOOB SHAFT U SUCK

UltraGenericName: was gold?

m4573123: hsut up mult

AlsoGenericName: ADMIN DROP plzzzzzzzzzz

I..EatPotatoes: drop flag

I..EatPotatoes: drop flag

I..EatPotatoes has been banned from chat. Reason: Flood.

UltraGenericName: hahah lol get reckt

AlsoGenericName: D3S N00B

_w_h_aa_t: lolllllllllllllllllll im better than all of u

 

Come to think of it, I honestly have no idea why the battle chat needs mods and such, everyone on it is calling everyone else such endearing names as “noob” and “mult”, and they are even emphasizing it with all-caps. In fact, it somehow got even cheerier when a gold box was about to get dropped, and my own driver joined in too (I’m railgunsuperstarXxXXxXxXx):

 

AlsoGenericName: NO KILL

The__Greatest1: NO KILL

_w_h_aa_t: NO KILL

UltraGenericName: NO KILL

railgunsuperstarXxXXxXxXx: NO KILL

I..EatPotatoes: NO KILL

m4573123: NO KILL

someshaftno0b: NO KILL

 

See, everyone is asking not to kill each other. It’s peaceful. And then the gold box drops. My driver positions me at the best possible angle to fall directly on top of it, presses the 2 and 4 keys in quick succession, and then waits patiently, like a real gold miner. And then, the opportunity strikes. The horde of tanks rushes in, but my driver and I are on top. An unstoppable duo, and the gold box will hit the ground in only 5 seconds. Madness ensues, but we are the crest on top of the wave, destined to get the 1,000 crystals.

 

4 seconds.

 

Everyone is shooting, shoving, pushing. It’s a little like a family group hug that’s going just too aggressive. Believe me, it does get quite tight when there’s multiple Mammoths in the mix.

 

3 seconds.

 

This is the moment everyone has been waiting for. This is the moment my own driver has been waiting for, and if I’m to hear him out once more, he’s been waiting for this moment over the course of a million years. Come to think of it, my driver might be older than me, I think. But then again, he smashes computer keyboards every time he encounters "yet another worthless drugger noob", so I’m not sure.

 

2 seconds.

 

A quick press of the 1 key, and I’m good as new. All this commotion, all of these other tanks who know very well I will take the gold box, and are willing to focus all their fire on me for that reason, nothing can touch me anymore. Me and my driver are invincible.

 

1 second.

 

We are directly below the golden box, intricately carved, and oh-so-shiny. It is truly beautiful, and this is the first ever time I’ve ever caught one, or even seen one for that matter. Small wonder everyone asks for the admins to drop them. Actually, why don’t the admins drop gold boxes more often? Seems like common sense to me.

 

Zero.

 

I can finally see the glimmering crystals above my head. “+1000 crystals”. A beautiful sight, and now, I wish the admins never dropped this one, because a Titan shoved me off the small square indication box at the last second, rode on top of me, and caught it herself. I hear a smash, the battle chat goes nuts, and I guess my driver will have to pay for a brand new keyboard.

 

Ah. Got woken up far too early, missed my hot drink of petroleum, got killed in battle the second I entered, missed a gold box, got screamed at, and will probably have to wait in the darkness for another month or so until my driver’s keyboard gets replaced. I would say this was one of my better days, but I missed that cup of petroleum. I’m not happy about that at all. So, based on my rating of how enjoyable today was, I’d say this particular day was average. In fact, it might just be…

 

Extraordinarily average.

 

 

[Tofu 6,773]

I feel like this your story too :P

Nice Btw :D

[mydoom.exe 5,154]

I feel like this your story too :P

Nice Btw :D

Pretty much, but I didn't miss a hot cup of petroleum. ;)

[bc200214_777 582]

Extra-ordinarily average.

 

Sooo extra-ordinary average?

[mydoom.exe 5,154]

Extra-ordinarily average.

 

Sooo extra-ordinary average?

The day was so average, it was impressive - Hence the "extraordinary".

 

Also a play on "extraordinary" as in some extra "ordinary" in the day...yeah I know it's a bit confusing.

[TTK_229 1,080]

We spamBrozz are taking over the noobspaper.

little pig, little pig, let me in

[Tofu 6,773]

We spamBrozz are taking over the noobspaper.

little pig, little pig, let me in

Exactly

give cookies