[Poem] Life

[HAPPSHOT 2,029]

                                                        Life

Our life is a precious one,

We can turn it into a shadow,

Or a lush green meadow,

But we should also have fun!

 

The support of a father,

The love of a mother,

The care of a sister,

And the friendship of a brother!

 

All these things make life a pleasure,

The importance of these, no one can measure!

I guess this is the only treasure,

As when they are around, we feel leisure

 

Unfortunately, some people are alone from birth,

But they also deserve,

To live happily on Earth!!

So their happiness shouldn't we conserve?

 

So, we should help the people,

And make their life more simple!

Remember, everyone is equal,

Together, lets try to strengthen the voices that are feeble!

Edited April 21, 2017 by HAPPSHOT

[Crip 4,735]

Approved.

 

 

Edits:.

- 2 typos

- 1 rephrasing (just rearranged the words).

- Changed noxious colouring.

 

Interesting. I'm far from being a poet, but I reckon this was pretty decent. I'd like your poems to be slightly longer in the future perhaps (though that is my own opinion). But yes, on the whole the message you were trying to convey through this work was pretty clear.

 

Maybe try something more articaly (I know, it isn't a word) next? :P

[yonatanthesuper 314]

How about trying to save some lives in syria first.

[HAPPSHOT 2,029]

How about trying to save some lives in syria first.

Ya, but i don't wanna trigger anyone in tanki  :wacko:

 

Approved.

 

 

 

Maybe try something more articaly (I know, it isn't a word) next? :P

Meh, some people told me to write short, so i reduced this poem to 5 stanzas ( they were 9 before ) , now you tell me to write bigger :mellow:

Eh i didnt get the meaning of that last sentence though? i am illiterate sorry

 

  Savage, i "their happiness should'nt we conserve" is gramatically wrong ?  :(

Edited April 19, 2017 by HAPPSHOT

[Crip 4,735]

 

 

i their happiness should'nt we conserve" is gramatically wrong ? 

No, I just didn't like the way it sounded. I think I've messed it up even more though.

[JlerKaR_No6eAa 160]

Lyfe.

[HAPPSHOT 2,029]

Guys, please point out what you didn't find good in the poem and i will make sure that it doesn't ever happen again!!

 

Lyfe.

LeevLyfekeengstyleee

[fe4f3 1,002]

Your poems are great, HAPPSHOT! Please keep up good works.

[HAPPSHOT 2,029]

Your poems are great, HAPPSHOT! Please keep up good works.

thanks!

 

Guys, please point out what you didn't find good in the poem and i will make sure that it doesn't ever happen again!!

 

[arnav0506 2,777]

"So shouldn't we their happiness conserve?"

I'm not exactly sure if that makes a sentence, but, it's a poem :D

Very precisely Inscribed, Happ!

Edited April 21, 2017 by arnav0506

[HAPPSHOT 2,029]

"So shouldn't we their happiness conserve?"

I'm not exactly sure if that makes a sentence, but, it's a poem :D

Very precisely Inscribed, Happ!

Actually it was " So their happiness, shouldn't we conserve?" But Savage messed it up xD

[Sr.I3oSS 2,546]

  Savage, i "their happiness should'nt we conserve" is gramatically wrong ?  :(

If you are implying that we shouldn't conserve their happiness, then that sentence is not exactly saying that. The wording of the rhetorical question makes it seem as if the answer is 'yes' (their happiness shouldn't we conserve). It's like you're asking, "Shouldn't we conserve their happiness?"

 

To make wording better, you could change it into a statement and simply say: "So their happiness we shouldn't conserve". It may not have the same effect as a [rhetorical] question, but it still does have an effect.

 

Other than that, brilliant piece.

[HAPPSHOT 2,029]

If you are implying that we shouldn't conserve their happiness, then that sentence is not exactly saying that. The wording of the rhetorical question makes it seem as if the answer is 'yes' (their happiness shouldn't we conserve). It's like you're asking, "Shouldn't we conserve their happiness?"

 

To make wording better, you could change it into a statement and simply say: "So their happiness we shouldn't conserve". It may not have the same effect as a [rhetorical] question, but it still does have an effect.

 

Other than that, brilliant piece.

Yes it says that we should conserve their happiness. 

 

The new sentence " So, their happiness shouldn't we conserve?"

Thanks :D

Edited April 22, 2017 by HAPPSHOT

[ghost-guns 1,486]

Brings a tear to a glass eye.

[HAPPSHOT 2,029]

Brings a tear to a glass eye.

Thanks :D, though i wrote this cause of all of the fights happening all over the country, Hopefully this will help :)

[Sr.I3oSS 2,546]

Yes it says that we should conserve their happiness.

Aaah sorry I took the sentence's meaning as "Conserving their happiness from 'them'." I get what the sentence was actually trying to say.

[HAPPSHOT 2,029]

Aaah sorry I took the sentence's meaning as "Conserving their happiness from 'them'." I get what the sentence was actually trying to say.

Lol it was the edited version of the sentence

[HAPPSHOT 2,029]

:ph34r:

[HAPPSHOT 2,029]

DEAD

[bes146 281]

cool poem happshot 

-from a spammer lol :P  :P  ;)