Other [Issue 68] The Stories Behind Paints

[Hex 11,520]

 

 

 

 

There are over one hundred different paints in the game. Some of them are straight-up ugly, some are really beautiful; while some provide camouflage in the most messy of situations. But then, there are those paints who raise a lot of questions and controversies. 

 

Intrigued? Read on!
______________________________________________________________________________________
 

 

'Tanki is a big threat to the environment and doesn't comply with UDAW', says UNEPO.

 

Long ago, when Tanki came into being, the developers were hard at work, trying to develop paints that would not only please tankers but also would make tanks really stand out from other people in a battle. Well, the United Nations Environmental Protection Organization contacted us here at the Tanki Official Newspaper, with just a single paragraph:

 

'Our organization has deemed Tanki Online not worthy of operation anymore, simply because it is posing a serious problem to the Earth, to the environment and everything it between. After months of investigation, it has been revealed that the developers have actually hurt animals in the process of making this game possible, despite writing the 'No animals were hurt during the development of this game' sentence in the final credits. This is of utmost importance that Tanki must be brought to justice for the cruelty it has been doing to various species of animals - mainly hunting them for their skins, ultimately developing them as paints for the tanks in their game. In a nutshell, Tanki doesn't comply with the Universal Declaration of Animal Welfare!'

- United Nations Environmental Protection Organization (UNEPO)

 

The question now arises: What has Tanki really been doing? Taking a look at the current paint's roster, the results have been quite frightening. Paints like Alligator, Safari, Dragon, Tiger, Irbis, Cheetah, Jaguar and Python have shown positive results that they contain animal DNA after they were tested at the local laboratory.

 

 

What's even more eye-opening is that Tanki itself admits that they have been doing animal cruelty for years, as one the above mentioned paint's description proves:

 

One of the most mysterious felines, the Irbis is also known as the "snow leopard". After a series of high-risk expeditions and fifteen accidents, our researchers managed to restrain a snow leopard long enough to copy its coat and create the "Irbis" paint.

 

Despite all these harrowing remarks from UNEPO and even its own Newspaper, Tanki developers have refused to give any comments on the matter. What do you think? Should they be fined or let go?

 

 

The Beautiful Paints:

 

However, that didn't stop the Tanki developers from creating the most beautiful paints, nothing ever like the entire Tankiverse had ever seen. Upon lots of request from anonymous and other users, we decided to auction and then review them. So, here were the three best-selling paints:

 

                                     

 

 

 

Other beautiful paints who sold for a lot were the likes of Emerald, Nano, Hohloma, Graffiti, Zombie, Lumberjack, Kaleidoscope, Corrosion and even Mint!

 

 

De Ugly Paints:

 

Believe it or not, the National Aesthetics Safety Board issued a warning to Tanki Online today, titled 'Ugly Paints in Your Garage Are a Dangerous Health Hazard' with the following text:

 

'Directed to: Semyon Strizhak, lead developer, Tanki Online.

 

Hello!

Our trends and studies have shown that the more uglier paints in your Garage are posing a very intense threat to the health of many tankers in your game. These include the likes of Confetti, Lava, Safari, Chainmail, Roger, Sweater, Alien, Drought, Lunar Soil, Rust and probably the most ugliest paint you've ever launched: Birdwatcher. We would also like to include that the Reporter paint also comes in this list, but has a separate mention due to it being a moderator paint.

 

 

All of these paints are causing Post-Equipping Stress Disorder (PESD), Pre-Looking Nausea and Distress (PLND), headaches and many other diseases/disorders.

 

Please take immediate notice of this.

Thanks!'

 

Following what they did with the animal issue, the Tanki developers have again denied the fact that there paints are causing damage, despite the report coming from the biggest Safety Board in the country.

 

 

The Camouflage Paints:

 

Even though with all that animal and ugly paint stuff, Tanki actually received many positive votes and numbers for the camouflage paints it submitted quite recently for the Ultimate Camouflage Competition, 2016. In fact, Tanki Online was the only game whose some paint's the judges of that competition completely failed to point out from the screenshots. Quite an achievement right?

 

The Supreme Judge of that competition wrote a small congratulations letter and sent a trophy to the Tanki HQ in spite of this achievement. Wondering what paints they were? Well...

 

Needle was the declared the ultimate winner, which actually was hidden in such a hard spot, not even the entire All Kind team and even Semyon Kirov managed to find the tank. This was the screenshot:

 

 

Other paints who won lots of prizes and reputes were the following:

 

 

 

Descriptions Are All That Matter!

 

I'm just going to say this straightforwardly, just look at these paint's descriptions. Some of them are so funny I want to laugh for the rest of the day, while others are so weird it's actually hard to believe they're official description. So, enough brouhaha:

 

Swamp -

This paint was created after a tank

battalion leader accidentally fell asleep,

and drove his comrades into a swamp,

where a secret operation for training

saboteur frogs was being conducted.

 

Frogs, Tanki, frogs? Really?

 

 

Cedar -

This paint is composed of pounded pine

cone flakes. It is environmentally friendly

and comes with two bags of peeled pine

nuts with every second canister of paint

purchased.

 

I bought sixty canisters of this paint to cover my home's fence Tanki, where are my peeled pine nuts? I've been wronged!

 

 

Moss -

Blend in with the forest environment

when stalking your enemies. But remember,

moss does not usually move, nor does it fire

at tanks, so doing any of those things might

draw attention on your presence.

 

Tanki Online - the new Captain Obvious.

 

 

Sandstone -

The paint combines the masking properties

of sand, with wind-tempered stone. The

"Sandstone" set comes bundled with

bathing trunks or bikini of choice, sunglasses

and a parasol.

 

Tanki, you better send these complimentary gifts quickly, or me and my girlfriend will not be happy!

 

 

Atom -

A protective cover for tanks guarding

nuclear research centers. The cover is

so high-tech that it is able to withstand

a direct nuclear charge hit. Unfortunately,

while the paint will be untouched, the

tank beneath it will still evaporate.

 

Tanki, how dare do you lie...? Anyone intelligent enough surely knows that when you die wearing Atom, the tank stays intact, while the paint burns off.

 

 

Hive -

Originally intended as a paint with active

offensive properties, "Hive" was supposed

to be enriched with special anti-tank bees.

However, this plan was dropped due to

numerous protests from animal-friendly

organizations. As a result, the paint now

only retains its color and texture.

 

The irony between these paint's description and other animal-based paints is at level 9000.

 

 

Rock -

The armored plates called "The Rock"

are mined from huge rock formations,

using an ancient Egyptian technology.

Dry pegs are hammered into the rock,

then soaked with water till they swell,

breaking the rock into smooth blocks of

stone. This camouflage is the definition

of "hand-made".

 

MOM BRING THE CAMERAA!!1!!1 The Rock was excavated by Tanki Online!!11!

 

 

Alligator -

An exclusive coating called Alligator is a

result of a successful experiment of crossbreeding

Black African alligators with carbon steel plates.

This paint scared the researchers so much that they

decided to show it only to law enforcers. Those who

risk their lives every day for the wellbeing of others

are hard to surprise with anything, and they have

forgot the word "Fear" long ago.

 

How on EARTH did the developers cross-breed Black African alligators with carbon steel plates?!!

 

 

Bonus: The... Joke Paint:

 

Hello and welcome to the final segment of this article. There is only on aim, open the spoiler and off you go!

 

Well, this is it. The next spoiler holds the key to the mystery!

...

...

...

I've opened five spoi-

 

Shh. Keep looking!

Lot's of spoilers, aren't these?

Tired much?

...

...

...

Oh c'mon, stop wasting your time.

No really, I assure you there is nothing in these spoilers!

Except for the key to the mystery of course!

...

Lines are starting to building up now, aye?

...

...

Say 'AYE, AYE CAP'N!'

AYE, AYE CAP'N!

I can't hear you!

AYE, AYE CAP'N

Still can't hear you!

AYE, AYE CA-

:mellow:

Okay, enough.

Behold,

the

key to the

mystery:

 

 

Thanks, but no thanks. I'd not like to disguise myself as a pizza for 750 000 .

 

 

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Well, there it is. A complete go-through of many of the paints in Tanki Online. What do you think, should Tanki be banned for it's offensive and immoral actions against animals and general health? Or should it be left alone because of it's UCC '16 trophy and humor? Share your opinions below!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
 

[Yisroel.Rabin 16,224]

Swagger -

A paint holding so much swagger vibes,

even the Swagger God of Dabbers

himself, Jake Paul, couldn't withstand

the paints strength. Legend has it that

this paint could beat any hater with

those dabs, even while spinning thirty

fidget spinners. Long live the Team 10!

[Blackdrakon30 2,943]

Flow - 

A legendary paint composed of the

tears of the innocent. Collected

by Russian druggers and then 

distilled by Tanki Developers 

themselves, it embodies the raw pain

of being surrounded by no-lifers.

Edited October 3, 2017 by Blackdrakon30

[marc.jp_44 20,837]

I expected a serious Article. :mellow:

Nevertheless, good article.

[lukey0 27,543]

PIZZA!!1!1!1!

 

[maryam98 1,171]

I expected a serious Article. :mellow:

Nevertheless, good article.

Me too....

Still, I skipped the descriptions with comments :p

[KILL_BILL_CHAUHAN 2,505]

stupid spoiler :P

[WoundedWarrior 302]

XD why did I buy the pizza?

[C.O.N.Q.U.E.R.O.R 3,845]

is there actually a tank in the pic?

[Magenta 5,165]

is there actually a tank in the pic?

Nope.

[C.O.N.Q.U.E.R.O.R 3,845]

Nope.

Good, I thought I was going blind :P

[Magenta 5,165]

Good, I thought I was going blind :P

It was just a hoax, I'm sure :P.

[Hex 11,520]

is there actually a tank in the pic?

There is in fact a tank hidden somewhere in the picture...

 

 

 

:ph34r:

 

 

[C.O.N.Q.U.E.R.O.R 3,845]

There is in fact a tank hidden somewhere in the picture...

 

 

 

:ph34r:

 

 

ermahgerd i fownd it he pro porkurist tooo waw

[Pizza21 0]

can i join clan plzzz

 

[Coat 2,280]

There is in fact a tank hidden somewhere in the picture...

 

 

 

:ph34r:

 

 

I really found it !!

[ftp 1,696]

Hiding it behind props is not camouflage guys.

[Coat 2,280]

Great. Now issues would also be SPAM  <_< 

[Guest]

De Ugly Paints

 

How dare youuuuu :OOO You're missing the best contender for this paint :((

 

 

 

 

[Mjro7 2,837]

where is dislike button please  :mellow: 

[Darkest 158]

I chuckled way too many times in this article. 

[I-Hate-Druggers 192]

I have roger. It is ugly. But alien actually looks cool. Like the other guy said, camo is not hiding in bushes. It is legit camo. No kudos.

[Tabish 100]

ermahgerd i fownd it he pro porkurist tooo waw

 

It's up of the banner

On banner it's written tank online

The tank is striker with hunter in green paint

Hiding it behind props is not camouflage guys.

 

Bro it is up of the banner, on the banner it is written tank online

The tank is striker with hunter green paint

Now understand? ?

Edited November 2, 2017 by Hexed

[ftp 1,696]

The Supreme Judge of that competition wrote a small congratulations letter and sent a trophy to the Tanki HQ in spite of this achievement. Wondering what paints they were? Well...

 

Needle was the declared the ultimate winner, which actually was hidden in such a hard spot, not even the entire All Kind team and even Semyon Kirov managed to find the tank. This was the screenshot:

 

It clearly says it was hidden on this screenshot

Edited November 2, 2017 by Hexed

[C.O.N.Q.U.E.R.O.R 3,845]

It's up of the banner

On banner it's written tank online

The tank is striker with hunter in green paint

 

Bro it is up of the banner, on the banner it is written tank online

The tank is striker with hunter green paint

Now understand? ?

omg lmao