Other [Issue 69] If The Reporter Team Had Superpowers

[Destrod 2,634]

If the Reporter Team had Superpowers

Greetings tankers! After stretching the known boundaries of impossibility, we have come to the most impossible conclusion of all. I present to you, the super-powered Reporter team.

Tweezerman

Superpowers: Power of flight, a two faced tweezer-shaped head and a diet rich in iron.
“Look up in the sky! Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, its tweezerman!” Flying from an old woman’s hair to an obese person’s nail clippings, this superhero likes the good things in life; plucking and pulling... Umm... stuff. Got some debris stuck in your hair? Fear not, tweezerman will come to your care!
Reports suggest that a very, umm, science-y reaction thingy occurred in a ‘tweezer’ factory which became host to an average worker from Sri Lanka. The process left him mutated into this sort of form:

The mult Reporter team took the mutated piece of iron under their “protection”. Ha! Protection. Now he reigns supreme over the Commonly Used Items League, surpassing his competitors Needleman, Clipperman and Hairbrushman. Bet you want to see how his head looks like right? Well, I can just say that it looks absotweezely fantastic.


The Penguinator

Superpowers: Ultra-cuteness, Flip-Floppers and a T140-Nuclear War Suit.
Penguins are delightful creatures. No harm could possibly come from them... or can it? There are rumors of a chaotic mass murderer on the loose in Antarctica, which should be called “Penguinarctica” by his opinion, since the freezing sub-zero temperatures cannot be a good host for an ant. He flies in the water, swims on land and walks in the air. His
modified nuclear suit can make him nearly indestructible , his only weakness being a hot cup of coffee. Some say he is an agent sent by terrorists. Others think that he is merely a trouble-maker. But a few of us know the truth:

Yisroel.Dustbin

Superpowers: Garbage camouflage, pollution awareness and metallic tin slippers.
This hero is legitimate proof that not all heroes wear capes, or clothes, or have faces. He comes with an all-important message. The world is becoming dirtier day by day, don’t just spend your cash, take out your trash! Oi why are you here then -__- Sure, he gets beat up everyday for trespassing into people’s houses, and has been a victim of 911 ever since he assumed his role - but he still tries, and that’s all that matters. A raging 5-star hotel manager remembered him with these honorable words:
“First he breaks into my hotel, then he looks at me and says that he wants to clean the trash. I naturally assumed that he was talking about me, so I gave him a good smack in his dustbin and he rolled away, yelling that this place will be full of garbage without him. Such a rude man.”
This misinterpreted statement might mean the truth, but we will just imagine that he means this literally.


Vladmir Flexin

Superpowers: Mind control, communism and infinite assets.
Increasingly powerful mastermind Vladmir Flexin has vowed to make a big impact on the globe, while the people say that his only impact should be on the sidewalk. He roams around the world spreading chaos in the name of Mother Russia. Mostly, he enjoys vodka, wine and explosions, with the odd exception of being declared a “peace lover”. Favorite movies include Saving Private Dimitri, Vladmir Potter and The Goblet of Vodka and Star Wars The Last German. Latest news suggests that this dictator was working on a master plan to eradicate the new Tanki CM entire human race from existence. Lets all hope that we do not wake up to find this extremist man knocking on our doo-.

Honey? Who’s that?


The Viking DJ

Superpowers: Control over music, a helmet which doesn't have horns and a viking's appetite.
From mixing sound beats to conquering the Valkyries, this powerful disc flipper knows how to take control of a crowd; both by an axe and by beats. Born and raised in Valhalla where big abs and nasty crabs are not a rare sight. Unfortunately, the Asgardians had never heard music except the crackling of bones upon death and meals, this curious viking's new passion became his reason of exile. He came to the Realm of Mortals, seeking peace, and peace he found. He now rests atop the DJ food chain, feeding on the weak beats of those lower than him, so I guess that some part of Valhalla came with him. He is usually found in major events, dance clubs and the occasional terrorizing of the nearest KFC outlet for food. Whatever you do, don't make him angry, don't ask him for food and never point out that his helmet doesn't have horns.


Nyxeption

Superpowers: Hypnotic powers and an invisibility cloak, with a mask of niceness in front.
Notorious psychic super-villain, code-name Nyxeption has struck fear into the minds of all those who have something to hide. Precautionary measures are now being taken to shut down this mind hacker, which involves keeping President of Planet Earth USA Donald Trump inside an underwater facility, since the hypnotic rays travel slower under water. Reports suggest that this hypno-maniac was once a nice person; so nice that she dreamt of becoming a psychologist, to help others who are in distress. But a dramatic turn of events and real life problems (Vladmir Flexin forced me to say this) caused this good person to turn bad, bent on revenge and destruction. So if you ever end up eating a good meatloaf and then remember that you were a vegetarian, blame the Nyxeption.


Winged Meme Lover

Superpowers: Is a dragon, can speak and loves memes.
Hailing from the diverse and dank Planet Memecury, this majestic beast of fire and memes is a true revelation of justice. Fighting for dragon rights around the globe, no planet can receive a better protector. And for those dragons around the world who are silenced by the voices of oppression, he leaves a strong message:

He is considered as a true deity in Japan and other countries with honor, unlike USA dragon traditions, where he is worshipped, especially during The Dank Memes Festival, which marks the anniversary of the dank meme tradition in Japan. May the wind guide this winged angel (duh) to success. And if you are curious, he despises the Game of Thrones and Lord of The Rings, which is basically like sitting down to watch a human torture video.


Google.Enze

Superpowers: Control over Sundar Pichai, extreme editing skills and influence over the internet.
How does the CEO of Google keep up with all the requests he gets? Perhaps there is a greater driving force behind this mastermind. NSA has collected valid proof of a web designer known as Google.Enze who silently manipulates the CEO’s actions from a safe distance without anyone knowing it. It is believed that he possesses a supercomputer; one of a kind, although the question that arises in everyone’s minds is how he got his hands on it. Evidence suggests that this tech geek actually works for Vladmir Flexin; and is one of the initiatives in case his plan fails. Worldwide broadcasting of every single Google user’s browser history. When asked about this web developer’s existence, Vladmir only gave a vague remark;

The light now shines on this knight in shining search engine, Bing.


Mr. Bean Curd

Superpowers: Tofu strike, tofu dash, tofu-nny.
Before starting this glorious superhero’s biography, I must clearly state that this man has nothing to do with Rowan Atkinson or his series, Mr. Bean.
From triggering vegetarians to confusing meat enthusiasts, Mr. Bean Curd has created a tremendous ripple in the world of diets. Hailing from a country of rice and curry, this curd-munching individual was born for one thing, and one thing only; to wreck havoc on those who don’t consider tofu to be “real food” and to shower his blessings onto those who do. His followers obtain numerous perks, including impossibility of mineral deficiency, extreme strength and the sudden urge to include the word “tofu” into phrases. It is said that the mighty Dank Dragon of memes hailing from Memecury was once bestowed with a lifetime supply of tofu due to his Japanese-Chinese loving background. The only drawback however, is that you cannot have a steak party in Japan anymore. A teenage girl was interviewed discussing this mighty block of soy milk:
“I love him! He is tofu-nny. I cannotofu imagine life to be sweeter withoutofu him. “

Besides their overall grammar skills, everything else has pretty much improved.

Hex The Web Developer

Superpowers: Is a giant spider, can apply “hexed” state to victims and loves princesses.
Just when we thought that Aragog from Harry Potter was bad enough, in came Hex. The same old “giant spider, those who walk in never return yada yada" shenanigans is applied. He was once considered to be a software engineer working for the greater good of the video games society, but the term “web developer” was vaguely mistaken. His use of magic has caused many problems for the spider community, which is why he is considered as an outcast. Although he enjoys McObese and Kentucky Fried Human, his favorite treat are princesses. It has been suggested that the frills on a princess frock remind him of edible cobwebs, but the hypothesis is not completely true. BBC can’t just send a reporter in there to die for a silly spider... or can they? You never know. We can just wait for Donald Trump to send in his first sacrifice from Mexico. It is believed that he suffers from chronic nyctophobia, which is why you will never find him in caves. In this clip we see him running away from a street lamp:

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That is it for this article. From controlling the assets to picking up nail clippings, the Reporter team is definitely the most interesting group of people who have ever been bestowed with superpowers. What about me you say?
W

My supreme awesomeness is way too cool to be written down with something as common as words.