Other [Issue 72] Tankicillin - The Birth of The Tankicure

[Destrod 2,634]

 

In the vast history of medicine and health, penicillin was considered the first step towards the elimination of disease. But not long ago, in an office known as Alternetiva Platform, another great achievement was attained; it is in this holy land, that the forging of the almighty cure was begun. Introducing, Tankicillin.
 

It's a warm summer evening in a relentlessly humid office, where people are vigorously typing away at their keyboards, modifying code, designing new things and dropping gold boxes. But a
curious individual sits at the far corner, with nothing but a pen and a piece of paper, he writes:

' Data entry 5031. Tankicillin is a success. The aggravated effects of 'drugginess' and a constant urge for gold boxes has been rectified. A new age begins, an age of power and crystals. The next time
I write to you, dear diary, I shall be a different man."
~Annonymous
But what does it cure?
Recent studies has found that it cures every known disease known to Tanki. The drug has been launched worldwide all across the Tanki Globe, from the null void lingering in Madness, to the
clutching depths of the Rift tunnels. Here are a few responses from famous celebrities we interviewed in Tankiwood:

" Go play World Of Tanks nuuubs " Leonardo DiRabin

" Why is there a microphone on my face, its scaring me " Mafew McConaughey

" Bye " Robert Adriel Jr.


The official pharmacists have compiled a list of four wondrous reasons about why we should regularly consume this drug to increase our hope of becoming the wisest people in Tanki, from the words of
the Head Researcher of the Tankiceutical Department, Sergei Badbainov:

" IMPORTANT NOTICE: Tankicillin is a volatile drug which can cause growth of tentacles, a sudden craving for Isida beams and fear of having a noob team, resulting in inevitable death of the individual.
The company will not be held responsible for any mutations caused by the ingestion of Tankicillin, even though we are openly selling it to you.
The following product has been created in a semi-sterilized environment by workers who have little to no experience in the tankiceutical industry. The contents of this product are being kept a state secret
in case some nut job tries to steal our recipe and make a fortune out of it. However, we can guarantee that only 10% of the total contains pieces of shrapnel, Uranium-235 and slime from a colony of
old men's feet. Keep drug out of reach of toddlers, children (and possibly everything that lives). The following benefits have been observed in a group of brainwashed individuals that we hired to say exactly
what we want them to:

1- The contents of the drug are, as mentioned before, being kept a state secret. However, we can gloriously enumerate the fact that it contains a blissful amount of Vitamin Bae-12, and thus is a cure to the disease that about 12,000 tankers succumb to per/day. The exact figures vary, give or take 12,000. The 'take' part is more applicable here. Anyways, the disease is known as Hatefluenza, more commonly referred to as 'the common hate'. Symptoms of this underestimated illness include excessive hate mail, constant swearing and insulting being received in Legend rank Barda CTFs, and ultimate raging when you refuse to drop gold boxes. 

In comes the magical wonder once again. The micro-enhanced vitamin provides a steady source of energy to the user, allowing him/her to counter the effects of this disease immensely. You can now work your way against all the haters, and proudly say what memes and internet have taught you, all these years:

 

Thus ends the powerful reign of Panadol, and begins the glorious era of Tankicillin. Side effects of using our product? None! Although a family...well, two families reported vomiting and extreme nausea, although we are quite sure that this is just a propaganda to defame our beloved cure, which has worked wonders for so many other people.

So far, we have sold Tankicillin to two families.

 

2- Although the Reporter paint is like, infinitely cooler, eSports paints do have some pizzazz. Everyone dreams of getting them someday, and guess what. Tankicillin can help, yet again! Too long have you lingered in the shadows, unable to counter your opponent as he skillfully outmaneuvers you with a shade of 'd3s kid hhh' following him around. It's time to step up your game, and aim for the big leagues. It's time, to go eSports. *Crowd chants* Consume one of these babies before a game and we guarantee 100% accuracy in landing your shots. Yes, even Twins. You'll out-skill them so much, they'll beg for mercy and you will deny them. Here's how it works.

The noobo-depressants found in our product's internal structure will completely shut down reproducing Noob cells, causing gradual increase in the hormone Proestrogen, which will, in turn, affect the senses you use when you play the game. Enhanced eyesight, thought perception and quick decision making will dawn upon you like a Eureka in a scientist's mind. Don't believe us? Here's a review from a pro Veteran owner and eSports Official @The.L-E-G-E-N-D

 

                                " Stop forcing me to say things or I'll report you to the admins."

 

Oh, you! This guy never loses his sense of humor. He even called me the best Reporter ' if all the other reporters went on vacation', but I only care about the first part. *cough* 

 

3- Every once in a while, a tanker experiences the inevitable urge of becoming a helper. Some apply for glory, some for goodies, but only a handful are actually good enough to sieve through the admin pans, ready to filter out the dusty ones. And then comes in our cure. But this time, however, you’ll need the following things:

•  Access to FBI’s Confidential Individual locator
•  A very, very, large frying pan
•  A 3 by 6 box full of Tankicillin tablets
•  Burglar Suit

Aight here’s the SITREP. You are to obtain the individual locator by knocking on the door and uttering the special enchantment Multis Reportarium, the agent will step away and you will go down a hall to pick up a laptop, with the locator installed in it. The enchantment changes, depending on the admin you are trying to access. For forum mods, it's Dankus Avatario, for eSports officials, it's Banum Ddosum, you get the idea.

Next, you can buy a very big frying pan from the local crockery store. But you’re probably broke so it’s better to go foraging. Side fact, you don’t need to buy one if any of your parents or grandparents make excellent pancakes.

Grab as many Tankicillin tablets as you can, put them in a box.

Get a burglar suit from any hip 19^th Century music lover you know.

Go to your respective admin’s house, Note to Chat mod applicants, Ostrica lives in the Serengeti so this will NOT work for the chat moderation team, hence the low amount of successful applicants.

Knock on the door, and identify your admin. Start a conversation, preferably about gold boxes, admins love those. When target is distracted, offer to make pancakes. Take out your big frying pan, mix a few Tankicillin tablets into pancake batter. Make pancakes, feed admin, ???? Profit. It worked for me. Don't tell Flexoo.

 

4- For a millennium, tankers have been haunted by even the slightest presence of lag. Their dreams shattered, their skill mutilated and their respect shoved to the ground. Tankiologists deemed this menace as the source of all evils. A lag-affected individual receives hate, doesn't have the ability to earn crystals, can never perform extravagant feats of skill while typing 'd3s' in chat, and most of all, can never become a helper. My condolences to the tankers that died of heart attacks when reading this sentence. 

But we've done it. Our generation, and the millions of generations to come, shall never have to face this menace. Like the Dark Lord Sauron's forgotten ring, the lag will be forgotten

 

This, is an undeniable truth. But in twenty years, it shall become a legendary meme. But the part you are dying to know about is....how does it work?

Our top espionage team managed to uncover secret strips of code in the Tanki server. The result we found was quite surprising:

 

 

We have isolated the problem and modified our product to work against the anti-coding system which is troubling the Tanki Developers. From now on, all users of Tankicillin are virtually invisible to the lag command set by Semyon. 

A famous blogger writes about the product:

 

"This wonderful thing has completely removed all sorts of lag I have faced. Although I cannot actually log into the game or play it, I am very sure that this has nothing to do with Tankicillin. What was promised has been delivered."

 

Still not interested? We won't force you! unlike other advertisers, we don't compel people to purchase our product. But please do us a favor by mailing us your home address and sleep timings for....information purposes.                                                                                                                                                 

---

                                                                                                                                                             

[SiLEnCeR.T0 143]

Cool :)

[Intelligence 12]

Intresting artice

[bc200214_777 582]

lol

[Pyre 3,485]

I feel like the only question they asked Destrod during an interview was "Do yu kno da way?"

Makes for funny articles though :P

[sensei_tanker 3,098]

Leonardo DiCapprio? 

[DarkVengeance 31]

What is wrong with u?

 

Vengeance

[gunner861 0]

oh man this is crazy stuff

[Cool_Is_Back 262]

Tankicillin discovered by Destrod Fleming xDD 

[Chronicle 164]

Wow, good work Destrod   ^_^

[r_Kirby4 358]

Nice lel.

[GrandExecutioner 1,403]

Lol for some reason never saw this article.