Story [Issue 70] Murder at the Dusseldorf - Part I

[Flexoo 6,980]

"This pounding in my head is atrocious!"
"Damn, what have I been doing last night?" I know it started with few shots at the bar with the fellas from the department. Couple of beers, whiskey and then some killer booze smuggled by that Simoom's friend from Perm. Rest is mystery, mere blurred puzzle pieces that do not fit into each other.

"Gosh, I must be so out of shape to go down this easily."
"I better get my butt to the shower befo...., " the ringing phone cut me off. I threw my eyes at the clock. 6:54. Too early for any family chitchats. It must be from the work. Something urgent, they wouldn't call otherwise.

"Hey boss!"

"Ballista?" Loud yawn dropped out of my mouth.

"Aye boss. You don't sound too well today. I heard you had a rough night with..."

"I am more than happy I woke up in my own bed. Cut to the chase, Ballista!" I asked sullenly.

"Right! We have a dead woman. One penetration wound. Corner of the Highway and Station Street."

"Okay. Gimme twenty minutes, I'll be there!" Definitely not the best time for murder. I was in poor state, my all time low, but I had no time for complaining. I got a quick shower, put some clothes on and dashed out to the vehicle. When I arrived at the crime scene, Sgt. Ballista and Dr. Gustav were already examining the victim's body.

"Morning Ballista! What do we have here?"

"Victim has one penetration wound that caused the death. No eye-witnesses so far. She was found by that older gentleman talking to the officer. He was walking his dog when he spotted her body."

"Thanks, Ballista. Doc! Morning. Do you have anything for us?"

"Morning Jack. You look awful. Tough night, huh?", subtle smirk became visible on Ballista's face.

"Sigh. Not you too, doc! Can we please focus on the victim?"

"Of course. The victim was killed by one shot that penetrated her heart. Death was immediate. No bullets found. Just a burn-mark on the wall next to her. I would say murderer used Railgun, I am almost sure it was a big caliber M3 or M4. I'll tell you more after the autopsy."

"Railgun's as common as dirt, that will unlikely lead us to that criminal. Ballista, do we know her identity?"

"Aye, and you won't believe who it is. It's no one other than Mrs. Isida!"

"What?!! Are you sure?"

"Absolutely positive! Her papers say so."

"That's..," I stopped short, "..unbelievable!" I hardly recognized her lifeless swollen face. I knew this woman from hearsay. Her reputation preceded her. She was the low-key superstar in the City of Dusseldorf. A graduate medic that saved plenty of lives during the war days. Many men owed their lives to this petite gentle woman, and I heard she knew how to take advantage of it.

"I guess the life in spotlight is not all beer and skittles, boss?"

"So it seems!" I retorted back. "Ballista, have you spotted this metallic fragment on the ground and the tracks heading away from the crime scene?"

"Aye. I already collected the evidence. The fragment might as well be from murderer's vehicle. The span width of tracks hints it comes from light hull. Wasp, maybe?"

"No. It's definitely from Hornet." I've seen such tracks million times. Years of practice taught me how to differentiate them by a single look. But Ballista was still a fledgling. The fact he was able to recognize the light hull class was quite admirable.

"Talk to the man that found her, maybe he saw something that may help us. I'll pay visit to her husband."

"Will do!"

* * *

"Who would want to get rid of Mrs. Isida?" I mumbled to myself while driving. Most of the locals admired and cherished her as a war heroine. But a woman of her status was also a target of various half-truths and gossips that swirled in the public. Allegedly, her celebrity lifestyle was accompanied by countless romantic escapades.



I arrived at her house. It was an old Baroque one, considerably desolated by the ravages of war. I knocked on the door. No response. I knocked again, this time with more force.

"I am coming. I am coming... Jeez!"

"Mister Shaft-sch-wick?"

"It's Schaftschweck! Who are you?"

"Sorry, I am Detective Jack Hammer. I need to talk to you! May I come in?"

"Uhm.. sure! Did something happen? Let me guess. My wife, did she hit and run again?"

"No, unfortunately, it's something more serious." I broke off and took a deep breath, "She was murdered."

"Wha..." I could tell this information caught him off guard. He was stunned and confused when he clumsily seated himself on the couch, breathing heavily while he was grasping his head in shaking hands.

"I am sorry for your loss. I hate to do this right now, but I got to ask you few questions."

"I..I understand. Sorry, I have to get something to drink. Wh-Where did you find her? Do you know who murdered her?"

"Not yet. She was found on the Highway Street's corner. Since you're asking, I presume you do not know where your wife was last night?"

"Well, she didn't bother telling me anymore, but I would say it was another raid on a club. I bet you know the rumors, detective. We were fighting because of this for couple of months. I tried to reason with her many times, but she had mind of her own. I knew this ..this damn lifestyle of hers will cause nothing but trouble."

"When did you see her last time?"

"Yesterday evening. It was around nine, when she left the house."

"Did she have any enemies or perhaps some old grievances?"

"More than one could count, detective Hammer, but I don't know of anyone who would go after her neck. Wait! .... No, no, that couldn't be..."

"Mr. Shaftschweck, if you have a suspicion, tell me. It can help us find the culprit."

"Perhaps, Mrs. Freezicki. They've been forced to stomach each other in the hospital where they worked. I wouldn't dare to say she's done such horrible thing, but she definitely honed nothing but anger, hate and envy for my wife. She was her one true nemesis."

"Thank you Mr. Shaftschweck. That's everything for now. Here's my card. If you will remember anything of importance, give me a call, at any time."



My next steps led to the hospital on the other side of the city. It was one of the few things that worked almost uninterruptedly even during the war days. A seat of the Red Cross and the work place of Mrs. Isida and her counterpart, Mrs. Freezicki. I was hopeful I will reach her today. If what Shaftschweck said is true, she might be the number one suspect. I stopped at the hospital reception and asked the passionless lady with long face that worked there.

"Good morning miss. I am detective Hammer. May I know if Mrs. Freezicki is ...?"

"Are you looking for me?" gentle voice interrupted my question. It was none other than the person I was looking for. I turned around to notice a very attractive woman of style with perfect figure and deep nut-brown eyes.

"Ah, yes. Detective Hammer. Mrs. Freezicki, may I talk to you in private?"

"Sure. Please follow me. I will find us some place for a private talk. Here. It's a bit crowded, but I think it will do. So detective, what do you need from me?"

"Mrs. Freezicki, do you know Mrs. Isida?"

"Naturally, she was my colleague some time ago. Why you ask?"

"We found her murdered."

"That's horrifying. But what does that have to do with me?"

"We learned you two weren't exactly the closest of friends. May I know where have you been tonight?"

"Who told you that? Shaftschweck?"

"It's not important, miss..."

"Of course it was that henpecked man!"

"Miss, can you please answer my question?"

"I was home, as usually."

"Is there anyone who can bear witness."

"Detective, if I knew I will need someone to confirm where I was during the night, I would get someone. And while we are at it, I'll tell you this. No, I didn't kill her. Did I like her? Certainly not. Miss Goody Two-shoes had it coming from the start. I am definitely not surprised someone did that to her. Is there anything more you would like to know?"

"No, not really. Although, I have to ask you to stay in the city for the next couple of days."

I could tell this conversation stroke a sour note. Her angry look indicated as much. I was about to leave and sever the awkward stare-down between us when the phone suddenly rang in my pocket.

"Hammer. Get here immediately! WE NEED TO TALK!"

To be continued...

[Magenta 5,165]

Firstly, there's nothing extraordinary about the plot. It's the usual stuff, and not very exciting, at least not for me.

 

Second, the conversations were unnatural. Normal conversations don't take place like that. Exclamation marks were overused and was a major contribution to making the conversations sound so unnatural. Doing conversations that sound natural is really a tough job, as I've learnt the hard way. Twee, though, does a great job on that.

 

Third, it was difficult to keep pace with who said what in the conversations. For example...

 

"Ah, yes. Detective Hammer. Mrs. Freezicki, may I talk to you in private?" [1]

"Sure. Please follow me. I will find us some place for a private talk." [2]

"Here. It's a bit crowded, but I think it will do. So detective, what do you need from me?" [3]

"Mrs. Freezicki, do you know Mrs. Isida?" [4]

...this part is definitely impossible to put one's mind around, if it is a two-person conversation, which it is. Jack Hammer says line [1], so surely Freezicki says line [2], but line [3] is obviously said by Freezicki because it addresses Jack ('So detective,'). Two consecutive lines in one conversation are not supposed to be said by the same person, especially since there is no ' "blah blah blah," said Ian Stanford ' or its equivalent. If two consecutive lines are said by the same person in a conversation, it's usually like this:

 

"Any idea where Stan is?," I asked Fred. "I haven't seen him since yesterday night."

 

"Well, Mrs. Lacey, I've been looking for him too. I saw him yesterday at the bar," Fred said. Fred lived in the neighbourhood, and was a close friend of Stan.

 

Again, twee would probably give better advice.

 

Fourthly, if the protagonist is Jack Hammer, what is this mult XP reporter doing in the picture?

 

 

 

 

Fifth, I really appreciate another piece of tanki mythology ('Stuck' by hippin was great :) ).

Edited December 2, 2017 by Magenta

[Flexoo 6,980]

 ^ Those lines must've slipped my eye, because elsewhere I put sentences by one character together. Will actually correct it right now.

 

Also. Jack is not a mult with one equipment, he changes it. But then again Jackhammer would also do great to illustrate it more accurately. 

 

Critique noted ;).

[Magenta 5,165]

Also. Jack is not a mult with one equipment, he changes it. But then again Jackhammer would also do great to illustrate it more accurately. 

The choice of XP is kinda weird though, considering the fact that the murderer used XP.

[Flexoo 6,980]

Maybe there's some plot twist .... :ph34r: ... who knows.

[Magenta 5,165]

Maybe there's some plot twist .... :ph34r: ... who knows.

Not the same old cliché, please... :unsure:

[Flexoo 6,980]

Nope.

[Magenta 5,165]

Nope.

Hope so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[Merovingian 656]

Not the same old cliché, please... :unsure:

Which one?

The one where the narrator is the murderer?

[Magenta 5,165]

Which one?

The one where the narrator is the murderer?

Yeah.

[Merovingian 656]

Yeah.

Even the greatest author are doing it. To my knowledge, Agatha Christie even did it twice, once with Hercule Poirot and another time (I don't remember the name of the book).

[Magenta 5,165]

Even the greatest author are doing it. To my knowledge, Agatha Christie even did it twice, once with Hercule Poirot and another time (I don't remember the name of the book).

Well, that's your definition of 'greatest author' but not mine. Anyway, the plot can be interesting if the end cannot be predicted. If it can be easily predicted, the story is not a good one, regardless of whether the plot is cliched or not. And, cliched plots usually tend to be predictable.

[Merovingian 656]

 Anyway, the plot can be interesting if the end cannot be predicted. If it can be easily predicted, the story is not a good one, regardless of whether the plot is cliched or not. And, cliched plots usually tend to be predictable.

So far you are only making assumption on little ground, consequently you have predicted nothing and then it is a good story.

[BlueDragon_tamki 3,204]

Good story

[r_I_already_won0 2,339]

Even the greatest author are doing it. To my knowledge, Agatha Christie even did it twice, once with Hercule Poirot and another time (I don't remember the name of the book).

The Murder of Roger Ackroyd, yes, it was a stunning book the way she pulled it off.  

 

But for most to use it (or the other "it was all a dream" trope that makes me sick to my stomach) means that they do not have as strong a story to begin with.  It's a cheap trick for enhancing the "shock" factor at the end, and it's quite difficult to get away with.

(There are exceptions- C.S. Lewis' The Great Divorce uses this, but does not push it as a big part of the plot, so it is pardonable.)

 

Doing things because a master did them is not a valid statement. It's how you do it.  That's why elves are so overused in fantasy literature even though the original is one of the greatest books of the 20th century

 

I liked the way you did the names of the characters Flexoo. :)

Edited December 9, 2017 by r_I_already_won0

[WoundedWarrior 302]

Firstly, there's nothing extraordinary about the plot. It's the usual stuff, and not very exciting, at least not for me.

 

Second, the conversations were unnatural. Normal conversations don't take place like that. Exclamation marks were overused and was a major contribution to making the conversations sound so unnatural. Doing conversations that sound natural is really a tough job, as I've learnt the hard way. Twee, though, does a great job on that.

 

Third, it was difficult to keep pace with who said what in the conversations. For example...

 

...this part is definitely impossible to put one's mind around, if it is a two-person conversation, which it is. Jack Hammer says line [1], so surely Freezicki says line [2], but line [3] is obviously said by Freezicki because it addresses Jack ('So detective,'). Two consecutive lines in one conversation are not supposed to be said by the same person, especially since there is no ' "blah blah blah," said Ian Stanford ' or its equivalent. If two consecutive lines are said by the same person in a conversation, it's usually like this:

 

"Any idea where Stan is?," I asked Fred. "I haven't seen him since yesterday night."

 

"Well, Mrs. Lacey, I've been looking for him too. I saw him yesterday at the bar," Fred said. Fred lived in the neighbourhood, and was a close friend of Stan.

 

Again, twee would probably give better advice.

 

Fourthly, if the protagonist is Jack Hammer, what is this mult XP reporter doing in the picture?

 

 

 

 

Fifth, I really appreciate another piece of tanki mythology ('Stuck' by hippin was great :) ).

my gosh we are gamers not... writers...

[Magenta 5,165]

my gosh we are gamers not... writers...

For the sake of Arya's beard, we are writers, not gamers. Gamers and dogs are prohibited entry into the newspaper section of the forum, if you don't get out, I'll hand you over to the Gestapo (dw they make tasty potato curry, because that's what the cook is).