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Star Pills of the Fish


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An abridged version of this was entered for the Writer's Tournament, week three, wherein the challenge was to convincingly advertise a strange and ridiculous product. I hope you do not enjoy this too much...

 

 

 

Star Pills of the Fish

“Please,” I finally said, my voice shaking. There was nothing else I could do. All my life I had lived with people who treated their faces like some kind of holy ground, and seemed to think chewing was a dark secret they had to hide inside their mouths. What else could I turn to?
“Please…” I said, “Please pass the salt.”

Is this you?

Do you go to bed hungry night after night because you can’t take the pain you go through to eat?

Is your life filled with people who treat food like batteries?

Are you forced to use metal objects to eat your meals instead of the tools you were born with?

If your answer is “Yes,” then read on.

I was where you are. I knew the pain of people always keeping themselves clean in front of me and my friends. But I found peace. I found a better life.

This is my story.

It began when I was six years old. I will never forget that day. We had invited a friend to eat with us, and I remember feeling that something was not right as he sat down at our table. That was when I saw his hand move towards his spoon. I felt my stomach go cold, as he picked it up, and lowered it towards the soup we had given him. My lips felt dry, and my mind went numb. It only got worse as I watched him eat. It only got worse as, from that day forward, I encountered people like him again and again. I could not get away from them.

Then one day, everything changed.

When I first began using Star Pills, I was highly skeptical. So many different things I had tried, only to fail. But I could not deny the satisfaction of seeing my friends turn inside out at the table.

It was no trick. The pill had been extensively tested on marine asterozoa having a similar number of appendages to humans, with unmistakable results.

Believe me, the first time you see your friend’s stomachs emerging from their mouths, all your doubts will be removed.

And how much does it cost? Let me ask you how much you would pay to have peace of mind, to be able to live with the people around you, and in your food?

I am sure you would agree that $100 would be a small price to pay to have your life and outer coating back. But this is not even half that price. For a lifetime supply of Star Pills (of the Fish) all it takes is a one time payment of a mere 35 dollars!

That’s right: for the price of a pair of earbuds you can watch everyone you know digest their food externally for the rest of your life!

Right now you have a choice to make: either take this one time offer and banish fastidious eating automata from your life, or ignore this opportunity, and go back to eating your food in dark closets.

Take a look at some of these testimonials:

“There was a man in my office who couldn’t seem to bring himself to touch food with anything but his internal organs. Since trying Star Pills of the Fish, it has been my pleasure to meet his internal organs in person.”
-Mal Craw

“My life was a mess. It has given me unbounded pleasure to know that my friends are a mess, and life has never been smoother.”
-Jo Ker

“I could not deny the satisfaction I felt when I saw the food rolling down everyone’s shirts.”
-Riley Grossman

If you take the initiative and order now, you will receive a bonus gift of the revolutionary book, “Human Interaction on the Model of Annelids,” valued at $14!

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Approved.

 

-No edits

 

A very ingeniuitive piece, the idea is disturbing, but meets the criteria of our Week 3 challenge. Although I won't be able to live in a world with external intestines, the others won't either. I am absolutely...gut-ted.

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