How to insult properly

[mydoom.exe 5,154]

How to insult properly:

 

Hail, reader. I was inspired to create this article whilst reading a heated political “debate” over the internet. Some tripe or other about a strange citrus golem in power and whether or not it’s influenced by poutine, whatever. Nobody really cares about that, and as a nobody, neither did I. What I was looking at was how the back-and-forth banter went. Everyone was insulting everyone else in the most glorious ways possible – I didn’t know there were well over fifty ways to call someone a turd online until that day. Alas, their insults were not in the most efficient ways possible: They could not shut down their opponents nor their arguments, and their points were rendered fruitless by even more fruitless opinions.

 

That is where I come in. I would never want to see you beautiful people arguing in such a manner as the one detailed above. What I want is to see you insulting away at your full potential. I want to see you have the capability to completely shut down your opponent in a flame war, if you so wish. I want to see you go above and beyond in this art that is calling people names over the internet. I want you to learn. To grow. To carry on this legacy.

 

You need only to heed my words to complete this task:

 

 

Step one: Call people names.

 

Nothing discourages one more than being called out with a degrading name. Even those with power look on at the name you called them in global chat because they wouldn’t give you a cookie, even though you begged on your knees and promised to eat their toenails in fear – that’s what gets you banned. The Mods fear being called names. They’re human too. And that is what we’ll be investigating here for the majority of this entire guide. How can you get your opponents to just give up the fight? Here, I’ll show an example of calling people names done correctly:

 

 

As seen above, Tofu quit. He used the pretense of stating that my well-structured and original insult was completely stupid, but we all know better. It is obvious to even the casual observer that he intensely dislikes being called names – he can’t handle it, and thus he quit his argument against such a higher being as myself. Just keep piling on the pressure, and your opponent’s fortress is bound to crack eventually.

 

 

Step two: Intimidate your opponent.

 

Many sources on the internet say that bragging about yourself does not help you win a debate, or even a completely over-the-top yelling contest.

 

...and they’re right. Don’t do that.

 

 

Step three: Intimidate your opponent properly.

 

Instead, brag about who you know, who you are connected with. It’s so obvious to everyone that you can’t actually do anything to whoever the other person is over the web, and that’s what makes insulting people on the internet so effective. Unfortunately, the same can be applied to you too – you can’t do anything to whoever is insulting you, and they very likely know it. To circumvent this, claim that you are related to, are friends with, are friends with someone who is friends with, were given up for adoption by, saw the back of their head this one time at a soccer match, or are married to a powerful and influential person who can definitely change the life of whoever you’re arguing with. A popular example is the “my dad works for Microsoft so you’re about to be banned” threat. That’s sure to prompt some fear in your opponent, because only you know it’s bogus. After all, they can’t see you, they don’t know your real name, they can’t be 100% certain that your last name isn’t Gates.

 

 

Step four:  If you are able to, delete and ignore all valid criticism.

 

The last thing you want to be in an internet argument is wrong. Nobody likes to be wrong. Especially on the internet, where opinions and being right can get you so much. By being right in an internet argument, you can earn such things as...

 

Erm...well, don’t worry about that now. What you need to know is how to be right in the first place. Now, this step is simple: If someone gives a valid point towards your being wrong, then they are evil spawns of the devil and their points must be deleted if possible, and ignored otherwise. After all, you can never be wrong, right? Right. That’s why you must take every measure possible to make sure you stay right. If someone disagrees with your opinion and has plenty of evidence to back up their post, report it for hate speech, because if they disagree with you, then that’s clearly what their post is. If you can’t delete it yourself or get someone to delete their opinion fast enough, then there are several powerful techniques you can use to keep attention off of you in the meantime:

 

 

Step five: Fallacies.

 

For any of those wondering what these are, a fallacy is an argumentative point that is extremely hard for the person receiving it to respond properly, leading to their “fall”. There are many, many fallacies that you can utilize for your own purposes, but I’ll leave the searching to you, and list only a few:

• The strawman: Showing to the world what your opponent really means by what they said, while using your interpretation of their argument as the objective argument which you decide everyone will refer to – it’s obviously the right interpretation anyways.
• Ad hominem: Proving that your opponent’s stance is rendered false because of either what they have done in the past or what they act like, especially if they have always acted a little bit shady. Easily the best fallacy to use in tight corners, since it simultaneously puts down your opponent and brings you up to a pedestal.
• No true Scotsman: This works especially well if you’re speaking about a group. If you’re making a point about, say, Canadians, and then someone claims to be Canadian and refutes your claim, then there are two things to do: One, don’t panic. Remember, you’re always right. Find something wrong with what they said so that you can be right. Two, know that they aren’t an actual Canadian. Again, two reasons for that: One, what you said is obviously correct, so that’s the only way they can be wrong, unless they make a grammar mistake, in which case their entire argument is invalid. Two, Canada isn’t real anyways. I’m a Canadian and I should know.

 

 

Step six: Grammar.

 

Whew, the final step. There are two paths which you can take here, and each has its advantages and disadvantages. Listed:

• Bad grammar. This shows the opponent that you don’t care about either them or their argument enough to use proper grammar, and really helps with the intimidation factor. Using caps on every single word, not using punctuation, mixing up “your” and “you’re”, anything works. Especially if you keep reminding them about how much you don’t care about them and that your reply will be the last reply you make. If they ignore you, remind them that you really couldn’t care less and that you won’t post anything else. But be sure to reply to diffuse any arguments they make, just in case.
• Impeccable grammar. If you take this route, then you will always have the moral high ground. Especially because it puts pressure on your opponent to keep up the same standard of grammatical prowess. If they make a grammar mistake, then their entire argument is invalid, because then you don’t know what they might’ve meant – the convolution of their message may be intentional or unintentional, so you should be on your guard about that. Don’t ever let them forget that they made a grammar mistake, and if you make one too, just use tu quoque against them and you’ll be fine.

 

 

Follow all these tips, and you can truly unlock your full potential. To become a master of insulting requires much practice, and you may have to practice by looking in the mirror and going through all the steps to finally get the hang of them. But I digress. What even is unlocking your potential? How is that measured? Well, it’s quite simple, really. Being your best insulting self in this way is the best path to take, but it’s not your goal. To achieve your real goal, you may have to go even deeper than I have: Maybe you should target and verbally abuse those in a higher position than you, or maybe you should reflect in on yourself after a good cry. Nothing wrong with crying here. After all, your true goal is:

 

To act your own age.

 

 

 

Regards,

 

~Exe

[marc.jp_44 20,837]

Approved.

 

Minor grammar fixes here and there. Good read, well done!

[Magenta 5,165]

A very useful guide regarding one of the most popular actions on the internet.

Edited March 11, 2018 by Magenta

[LOLKILLERTOTHEDEATH 1,921]

I'm not sure Tanki will appreciate this guide. Nevertheless, I most certainly am glad I read this. It will help me insult people even better! It's a funny piece, however I don't intend to apply it.

[GrandExecutioner 1,403]

Well done!

 

I'm not sure Tanki will appreciate this guide. Nevertheless, I most certainly am glad I read this. It will help me insult people even better! It's a funny piece, however I don't intend to apply it.

I will apply my newfound knowledge

[zaintahir 458]

Ah, the supreme weapon. I can finally be the greatest on the interwebs.

[Pyre 3,485]

I tried this. My parents killed me.

[pieface101 285]

It worked! I got banned  :lol: 

 

Funny read. Would recommend to certain people I know  <_< 

[Hippin_in_Hawaii 639]

That's a quality guide!

[sensei_tanker 3,098]

Player sensei_tanker has been banned FOREVER. Reason: Insults, Profanity

Edited March 11, 2018 by sensei_tanker

[kaisdf 3,320]

What step do you need to be at to call them a glorious heathen?

 

Nice article :)

[cosmicdestructor 41]

lol u stupd poophead bad guide SO DUMB LOL my dad is tenki admin he bann u

Thats more like it keep it up

[shafter9 156]

Thats more like it keep it up

*That's

As you can see, your argument is invalidated by my's impekabal spealing end punct,uations.

[r_Issimo2 1,495]

This is more like a guide on how to win debates, than how to insult people. Apart from that the author has structured the content pretty good.

 

But do we need a guide on how to win debates? Is winning everything? Is winning every argument important?

 

Many politicians, shock jocks and shills use these techniques and more, but are those politicians good for us? Are their agendas good for us? What kind of agendas and followers does a politician that uses fallacies to win debates have?

 

Similarly, what weaknesses in arguments or character one may have to feel the need to use fallacies and start name calling people in order to win a debate?

 

Today even the most ignorant buffoon can appear to know more than a highly educated scientist in the eyes of other ignorant people, the many ignorant people. And if you're okay with that then something is very wrong with you.

 

We need to know about these stuff, about fallacies, and learn to identify liers and frauds. But not to use them or be like them.

 

We can be better.

[ThirdOnion 4,898]

Winning a debate means changing your opponent's mind, or at the very least proving they are wrong. If an argument descends into insults nothing is won.

Edited March 12, 2018 by ThirdOnion

[Heles 9,220]

Rofl
Nice, guide

 

 

Probably start a random chat fight in game coz of this  :ph34r: 
Hope they can understand EN. 

 

 

[KILL_BILL_CHAUHAN 2,505]

I like topic's title  :lol:  :lol:  

[mydoom.exe 5,154]

This is more like a guide on how to win debates, than how to insult people. Apart from that the author has structured the content pretty good.

 

But do we need a guide on how to win debates? Is winning everything? Is winning every argument important?

 

Many politicians, shock jocks and shills use these techniques and more, but are those politicians good for us? Are their agendas good for us? What kind of agendas and followers does a politician that uses fallacies to win debates have?

 

Similarly, what weaknesses in arguments or character one may have to feel the need to use fallacies and start name calling people in order to win a debate?

 

Today even the most ignorant buffoon can appear to know more than a highly educated scientist in the eyes of other ignorant people, the many ignorant people. And if you're okay with that then something is very wrong with you.

 

We need to know about these stuff, about fallacies, and learn to identify liers and frauds. But not to use them or be like them.

 

We can be better.

And I agree. This article is satirical and not to be taken seriously - I intentionally gave the absolute worst advice possible to make fun of the people who do use those tactics.

[r_Issimo2 1,495]

Winning a debate means changing your opponent's mind, or at the very least proving they are wrong. If an argument descends into insults nothing is won.

Well, you have lost the debate already, from the moment you decided you own the truth. ;)

[shivam400 765]

Very funny xD

[r_Issimo2 1,495]

And I agree. This article is satirical and not to be taken seriously - I intentionally gave the absolute worst advice possible to make fun of the people who do use those tactics.

That sounds hard to believe.

[ThirdOnion 4,898]

Well, you have lost the debate already, from the moment you decided you own the truth. ;)

You're just misrepresenting my argument with a strawman.  ;)

 

 

i don't even know what my argument is

 

[cosmicdestructor 41]

Dis Entire Tpic Is uSeLess Y Dnt U Guiz Get It!

Yeah I learn very quick, don't I?

Edited March 13, 2018 by cosmicdestructor

[r_Issimo2 1,495]

You're just misrepresenting my argument with a strawman. ;)

 

 

i don't even know what my argument is

 

You said "winning a debate means changing your opponent's mind, or at the very least proving they are wrong..."

 

I say that for you to prove someone else is wrong you have to be at least right, I think. And since we are talking about debates in general, then in general you have to own the truth to always prove or try to prove everyone in every debate is wrong.

 

That was your argument, or at least pieces of it. May it RIP. ;)

[mydoom.exe 5,154]

That was your argument, or at least pieces of it. May it RIP. ;)

You've followed my guide better than anyone here. Congratulations, you are now my head student!