The Lone Defender

[JAGMAN2468 104]

The Lone Defender

(Part 2 of A Normal day on the Red Team)

 

Part 1: http://en.tankiforum.com/index.php?showtopic=370955

 

 

After the caliber had come through the window, DelatorX and the other Chat Mods called the Battle Mods of the red team to come examine it. They spent some time examining and talking about it and finally seemed to come to a conclusion.

 

The leader Prodistruction494 stood up and said “The Blue team seems to have decided to cross our lines and wage war on us, what they want from us (other than the usual destruction) I’m not sure of.” One of the other mods added “It is best if we upgrade our garages and get ready for war!”

 

After that, a public announcement was made on the global chat for all the reds to have a good rest and keep on alert. In bed that night, Delator couldn’t sleep. He had a nagging feeling that something wasn’t right. He got out of bed and trudged downstairs to make a cup of warm tea. As he sipped the warm beverage, he thought about what could the blue team possibly want from them. Crystals? Tanks? Then an idea came to his head, he could find out…

 

Maybe there was a way to hack into the blue teams chat and gather info about the war! He pulled out his Striker Laptop S-8 and placed on his table. He opened it up but then had a sudden thought of fear. If the battle mods caught hold of this, they could take his tank away… forever. But if he was successful, he could find useful info and give the red team an advantage, maybe even save them. He decided to take a shot at it.

 

After logging in, he went to the global chat and typed in some complex code that he had learned. By doing this he was able to morph his identity with a new name and was able to access the blue chat. He took a deep breath, and pressed the ‘Important Matters’ tab. After he opened it, he found some very interesting posts:

 

BlueBoss1: Those red teamers have pushed us around much to long! We will send them a message of war, they will pause when they receive and plan to take action. But what they won’t realize or expect is that we will be coming in on the same night they received it. We will travel over the Highlands and Valley and attack them sneakily in the night.

HamsterFieldMarshal: haha we’ll rekt red

Jrkams: yeah they will never know wat hit them

Terrigo3894: i’m already going over the highlands, those noobs will fall before us

 

There were many more rivals posts but Delator already had the info he needed. He realized that he needed to get this info to the battle mods as fast as he could! They could communicate to everyone one on the red side about it. Since many of them were asleep at this time, he decided the fastest way there would be to drive to the main battle mod buildings. He quickly ran to his garage and got out his Hornet, this time equipping Railgun M2 so he could snipe any blues he saw. He rushed out of his garage and quickly turned his GPS on to his destination. The fastest route was through Sandbox, Silence, Bridges and then finally on the High Ranked Highway. He knew that technically, since he was only a Major, he wasn’t allowed on that particular highway. But he figured since it was an emergency he could go through.

 

During his trip going through Sandbox he saw a golden gleam and just missed getting hit by a Rail shot. “Oh crap” he thought and and looked and saw his enemy. “1 v 1 me bro” said the blue player, VeryProXP who was smiling cruelly.

 

His M3 Hornet/Rail combo gleaned evilly under the sun. Delator had no choice but to say yes. “First to destroy the other wins” XP said and then yelled “GO!”

 

Delator charged up his beam and barely missed XP. He saw XP’s golden beam heating up and Delator had to quickly hide behind the shed. The beam smashed through the house, barely missing Delator. Luckily, XP didn’t realize he had missed his shot through the smoke and rubble from the now broken shed. He also and didn’t see Delator charging up his shot.

 

Delator’s purple beam smashed into XP knocking his tank off to the side. “YOU’LL PAY FOR THIS!!!” XP screeched as he turned and fired another shot. Delator wasn’t so lucky this time, the beam cut cleanly through his tank and he knew one more shot at him could mean his loss of the duel and him re-spawning at his house.

 

Delator then decided to try something he had never tried before, he did a 180 turn while shooting and shot right at XP’s Rail. A hit! was quiet for about a second, then XP’s tank suddenly blew up!

 

After quickly driving out of there he went through Silence. The trip through was rather, well silent. Delator did notice some blues coming from Valley. He quietly made his way to Bridges to not draw attention. When he made it to Bridges, he hoped that it would be as quick as it had been going through Silence. But while stealthy traveling through, he suddenly heard voices in the distance. He quietly hid behind a pillar and saw 2 blues, both with Firebird M3 and one with Wasp M2 and the other with a Hornet M3. He was too far away from them to see their names but he was able to eavesdrop on them.

 

Wasp: “So, when are we to strike?”

Hornet: “I’m not entirely sure, we should check with Commander VeryProXP”

 

“Uh oh…” thought Delator.

 

Hornet: “Commander XP, are you there? Commander sir?”

Wasp: “Something must be wrong, we were able to have contact less than 30 minutes ago”

Hornet: “Do you think that the Commander could have been… Attacked?”

 

Suddenly Delator's tank accidentally snapped a stick. Both the Wasp and Hornet said at the same time “What was that…” They turned their Firebirds towards the sound and slowly crept forward. When they got to the pillar, they found…

 

Nothing, except a broken stick. “Someone was here” Wasp whispered. Hornet looked up and yelled “We know you’re around here, we’ll come and get you.” Delator had hid behind the building on the red base. He had to think of a plan fast. He realized that he had the advantage at the moment. They didn’t know where he was but he knew where they were, also he was a long range gun and theirs were short ranged. But then again, they were both faster than him. Taking all of this into consideration, he started attacking.

 

Delator charged up his rail beam, and hit the Wasp. The Wasp almost flipped over, but then the Hornet saved him. “That came from somewhere over there” Hornet said to Wasp. They sped along at Delator, but before they could get there, Delator shot and hit Hornet. They were close enough to Delator’s hiding spot now that he could see their names. FirebirdOblivion1 and FirebirdOblivion2. Unfortunately, they were also close enough that they could start roasting Delator.

 

Firebird1, who was the wasp, started shooting his flames at Delator, and Delator’s Hornet’s temperature started escalating. He managed to start running away and shot Firebird2, but his Hornet M3 was able to protect against the blow and they continued chasing him. They split up and rushed at him on either side. Delator went on the main bridge and tried to shoot one of them. He missed and they charged up the ramp onto the bridge. But instead of hitting Delator, Firebird1 and Firebird2 both hit each other in midair and… flipped over. “Haha!” Delator laughed at the two flustered, cursing Firebirds. They both self-destructed and Delator quickly continued on to the High Rank Highway.

 

He was surprised at how fast the highway was when no one was on it. He sped along and saw the Battle Mod buildings coming into view. He also noticed more blues coming in. After a few minutes, he was off the Highway and quickly, but quietly drove along the road to the buildings. He parked in an alley and ran out. He got to the door and realized it needed key-card access. “Maybe my chat mod card will work…” he thought. He tried swiping it and a green light flashed. Just as he was about to step in he saw someone standing beside him. He was holding a handheld Hammer M3, pointed directly at Delator...  

 

I tried to make this part longer than the last one due to helpful feedback. I hope you enjoyed this and part 3 is on the way :) 

[Guest]

- Size of font, no need to use 18 point. 14 is fine.

- A few spelling errors, always double check before posting

- Added/removed commas as necessary

- Edited spacing by separating paragraphs

 

Approved

 

 

Nice one! I see you added some length and it ultimately improved the progression of the story. I think you need to broaden your mannerisms and find new ways of describing the content because you use a lot of "after", "barely missed", "suddenly", "then", etc. One part of what helps keep a reader engaged is the use of vocabulary; not to show off, but to make the read more dynamic. The way you structure a sentence is the other crucial part. "He did this, then they did this" over and over again is repetitive and dulls the story.

 

I also cut some paragraphs in half so it's easier to consume the story. Paragraphs in stories can have individual points, that is not something specific to guides or reviews. Just something for you to experiment in future works along with exploring when you should and should not use commas.

 

Great set up for Part 3 and I can't wait to see how it turns out.

[Pyre 3,485]

Nice!

[Crip 4,735]

Interesting. I reckon I should go and check out part 1.

 

---

 

In other news, I see Vikral has been deported to AWC.

 

:ph34r:

[GrandExecutioner 1,403]

The story developed nicely.

[JAGMAN2468 104]

- Size of font, no need to use 18 point. 14 is fine.

- A few spelling errors, always double check before posting

- Added/removed commas as necessary

- Edited spacing by separating paragraphs

 

Approved

 

 

Nice one! I see you added some length and it ultimately improved the progression of the story. I think you need to broaden your mannerisms and find new ways of describing the content because you use a lot of "after", "barely missed", "suddenly", "then", etc. One part of what helps keep a reader engaged is the use of vocabulary; not to show off, but to make the read more dynamic. The way you structure a sentence is the other crucial part. "He did this, then they did this" over and over again is repetitive and dulls the story.

 

I also cut some paragraphs in half so it's easier to consume the story. Paragraphs in stories can have individual points, that is not something specific to guides or reviews. Just something for you to experiment in future works along with exploring when you should and should not use commas.

 

Great set up for Part 3 and I can't wait to see how it turns out.

Thanks, I'm still experimenting with writing so this feedback really helps  :D . 

[Winters 214]

Nice! I like the plot line behind it  ;)