The Murder of Alex Reid

[C.O.N.Q.U.E.R.O.R 3,845]

The Murder of Alex Reid

The following story is entirely fictional.

 

From the moment Alex Reid walked into the lobby of Midtown Science and Technology, I knew he was in trouble. Midtown High was a school for the rich, smart kids; Alex wore an old t-shirt with a pair of khakis. Everyone else surrounding him, including me, was wearing expensive sportswear and flashy shoes. The lobby immediately quieted at this strange sight - it was clear that Alex was completely out of place. 

 

Over the next few days, the entire school had practically pinpointed Alex as their target - it was like Alex had a permanent 'Kick me!' sign on his back. I heard many students whispering about him while he was there in front of them, as if he was a complete non-entity. It wasn't even that he wasn't smart enough; he had plenty of brainpower, that much was clear. Perhaps that is why he was targeted - no one enjoys having their shortcomings displayed.

 

One day, a student's pet dog was found behind the school with claw and bite marks covering his body. The owner of the dog held his dog with an expression of utter helplessness, but Alex pushed his way to the front of the crowd that had amassed around the dog. He spoke soothingly to the dog as he carried it to the nearest first aid pack, where he bandaged its wounds and then returned the dog to its owner. The dog healed well enough, but no one thought to thank Alex or change their behaviour. Even I subjected him to this cruel treatment; I didn't enjoy it, but I did it anyway. For Alex, this seemed to be the final blow. 

 

A week after the dog incident, I found Alex packing up his bags early in the morning. Alex looked long and hard at me, but with a dry mouth and an awful feeling, all I could do was look away. Alex, finally defeated by Midtown Science and Tech, placed his meagre belongings on his back and walked out the door.

Edited April 26, 2018 by C.O.N.Q.U.E.R.O.R

[KillerGnat 3,135]

- Edits: one double space fixed.

 

Also, while the 400 word restriction may not apply for short stories, you might consider making these shorts at least 400. Just so that no one has a reason to complain. Alternatively, you could post a couple of these in one go as sort of a collection.

 

Approved

 

This is why I play Tanki -- to escape the horrible reality of real life.  :ph34r: I feel like this basically sums up everyone's life from 12-16 in a way lol. Everyone goes through stuff like this, even the popular ones. Some just decide to stay and fight rather than let stuff get to them. 

[C.O.N.Q.U.E.R.O.R 3,845]

I was debataing whether or not to add a finishing sentence - 'Do you see now what I mean by a murder? And everyone at Midtown High was guilty.' - but decided against it... Should I have?  :unsure: 

Edited April 26, 2018 by C.O.N.Q.U.E.R.O.R

[KillerGnat 3,135]

Nah, a point is best made if it's not stated outright sometimes. Stick with the more subtle approach. 

[r_Kirby4 358]

clickbait Nice but could improve.

[C.O.N.Q.U.E.R.O.R 3,845]

clickbait Nice but could improve.

I disagree with the clickbait part, but it definitely could improve (it's 4 A.M. here). Maybe I should write when I'm actually awake...

[mydoom.exe 5,154]

It is quite short. The story itself actually has a pretty good flow, and the wording is really nice. Just add a little more detail - flesh out the story more and I can see a lot coming out of this. :)

[Magenta 5,165]

See, you are already getting better. Just include more details, and maybe (depends on your style) make the language a bit more sophisticated.

 

For example, you could change to this in order to add a teeny bit of sophistication:

 

 

[...] Everyone else surrounding him, including memyself included, was wearing expensive sportswear and flashy shoes. The lobby immediately quieted at this strange sight - it was clear that Alex was completely out of place. [...]

While an extremely minor thing by itself, usage of such superior language in day-to-day communication will ensure an certain element of style your work, something that critics will appreciate.

[C.O.N.Q.U.E.R.O.R 3,845]

See, you are already getting better. Just include more details, and maybe (depends on your style) make the language a bit more sophisticated.

 

For example, you could change to this in order to add a teeny bit of sophistication:

 

 

While an extremely minor thing by itself, usage of such superior language in day-to-day communication will ensure an certain element of style your work, something that critics will appreciate.

I consciously chose to use a more casual vocabulary for this particular story, as I wanted it to feel as if it were coming from a high school student. 

[Magenta 5,165]

I consciously chose to use a more casual vocabulary for this particular story, as I wanted it to feel as if it were coming from a high school student. 

You are a high school student probably, so anything that you write should be natural :/.

[C.O.N.Q.U.E.R.O.R 3,845]

You are a high school student probably, so anything that you write should be natural :/.

Am I, though? :)

[GrandExecutioner 1,403]

Happy story coming anytime soon?

[C.O.N.Q.U.E.R.O.R 3,845]

Happy story coming anytime soon?

Haha, I'll think about it

[KillerGnat 3,135]

See, you are already getting better. Just include more details, and maybe (depends on your style) make the language a bit more sophisticated.

 

For example, you could change to this in order to add a teeny bit of sophistication:

 

 

While an extremely minor thing by itself, usage of such superior language in day-to-day communication will ensure an certain element of style your work, something that critics will appreciate.

eee I have to disagree.  :unsure: Taking into account the setting and narrator, I think the style is spot on. It feels like I'm reading a short story by a high-school student in America, at the moment, which I assume is Gee's intention. Had he cluttered up the story with long, fancy words, it would've diminished the realistic feel of it.

 

Critics do appreciate description and vivid words, but in this case, preserving the "typical highschooler" (albeit a rich one) style should take priority over creating a Dickensian, description-is-everything word-fest.

 

Also, there's something to be said for uncluttered stories now and then imo. There's a reason Ernest Hemingway became famous. lol

 

I guess it mostly comes down to personal preference in the end though.  ^_^

[shafter9 156]

"Do you see now what I mean by a murder? And everyone at Midtown High was guilty."

​And everyone paid.

​

A 'Murican phenomenon.