Impersonation - Chapter One

[P.4.R.K.O.U.R 329]

A Surprise Attack

"Just have a look at this!", said a middle-aged lady to her husband, showing him the newspaper.

"This animal of a President hates the Harper people. So what if we don't vote for his bloody party. That doesn't mean he can increase the darn taxes! It is not long before he decides to destroy our community!"

A tall and robust man replied. "Relax, honey. I know everyone hates the taxes but, they can't be avoided, right? And it's just the government, not the people. It's been nine years since we shifted out of town and there haven't been any problems with the new people around us."

The lady tried to look as calm as possible, fuming on the inside. "Leroy, breakfast is ready!", she called her son.

A young man in his early twenties entered the room. He had dark hair and contrasting blue eyes. He was of a fair height, just above 6 feet. He wore an army uniform. Leroy had grown up hearing more about experiences of defense personnel than fairy tales. He had always been excited to experience the life of a hero. And that is why, as soon as he had finished school, he joined the military academy.

One look at his mother convinced him what had happened for probably the hundredth time. "Chill, mom. The elections are just coming this October. This time Lewis Frederick from Harper town will be there. Reports say Richinagg stands no chance against him." His mother nodded silently.

After having a regular breakfast, Leroy headed for the job he loved. At the army base, he was greeted by many people. He was quite famous.

"So what's the plan? Where are we heading to?", he asked his colleague, Jay.

"I heard from my friends that it would probably be near the outskirts of the Harper town. There's been some suspected activity there." And so it turned out to be. The whole unit began their journey using an army truck. As they reached the place, the truck slowed down. They couldn't risk getting heard if there was something hostile.

It was a desolate place with a few buildings that looked like they hadn't been repaired for years. Nobody had lived here since the Second World War. Leroy took a broad view of the place. Something caught his eye for a second. Something had shined in the sunlight at one of the windows of a tall building. Even though it had just flashed and gone the next moment he knew what it was. Binoculars. "TURN TOWARDS THE LEFT!", he yelled at the driver. The truck swung sharply towards the left and just in time.

An RPG fired from the building exploded right on the path they were previously on. Heavy gun firing rained down from the building.
The driver pushed the accelerator with all his might. He took another sharp turn towards the right and used a shortcut turning all the time sharply to avoid the shots. The vehicle reached the bottom of the building. Leroy, with other soldiers, rapidly got out of the truck and ran towards the entrance. With collective effort they broke open the entrance and entered, ready to face retaliation. But there came none.

Quickly but cautiously they scaled the different floors until they reached the door leading to the uppermost level. Leroy checked the door. It was locked. The explosives expert was called. A small bomb was placed at the entrance. Everyone found their spots to hide.
The soldier motioned them to straight charge after the detonation in 3...2...1...BOOM!! The whole building shook for a few seconds. The force rushed into the hall....but it too was empty.

There was a small cylinder in the middle. Jay inspected it. He was taken aback when a significant amount of gas began to come out of it. It soon spread to the whole floor. Leroy saw his colleagues drop down lifeless on the floor. Before he could warn others in the building, he lost consciousness. Edited August 9, 2018 by P.4.R.K.O.U.R

[LOLKILLERTOTHEDEATH 1,921]

Approved!

 

I find your concept to be quite interesting, so I'd like to so where you'll go with this. Nevertheless, I do have a few suggestions in regard to your story.

• Pace and Plot: This was by far the biggest thing I noticed about your story. Initially, you start out describing Leroy and his family and you spend a good amount of time describing this. I imagined that your story would have to do with these "Harper" people. Later, and unfortunately rather abruptly, you switched focus to Leroy and the "fight scene". I would have liked it better if you described it in detail. Also, I assume there will be some hidden plot here, but you said all the allies fell lifeless. This implies that the gas is deadly, in which case it isn't likely that he would survive. Additionally it would have been better if there was at least a small sneak-peak of who these enemies are.
• Formatting: This seemed to be a fairly prominent issue in your article. I felt that your story wasn't organized very well because it was somewhat strangely put together (which I assume might be because you moved your story from one place to another).

 

Welcome to the AWC!

[P.4.R.K.O.U.R 329]

Well I thought about putting the missing pieces together in the next chapter. And unfortunately, you hit right on target about what will probably happen in the next part. [Everything including the people of Harper town, the enemies, the President. Man, you predicted just right.]

As to the gas I have never seen people under the impression of a gas that just makes you unconscious show movement.

And well the formatting is bad because currently I don't have a working computer. Which means I have to write everything from scratch including the italics, font, color=#ff0000, everything.

Edited June 29, 2018 by P.4.R.K.O.U.R

[LOLKILLERTOTHEDEATH 1,921]

Well I thought about putting the missing pieces together in the next chapter. And unfortunately, you hit right on target about what will probably happen in the next part. [Everything including the people of Harper town, the enemies, the President. Man, you predicted just right.]

As to the gas I have never seen people under the impression of a gas that just makes you unconscious show movement.

And well the formatting is bad because currently I don't have a working computer. Which means I have to write everything from scratch including the italics, font, color=#ff0000, everything.

Ah That makes sense. I thought that you wouldn't have published it in the strange format you did on purpose.

[P.4.R.K.O.U.R 329]

Thank you for understanding and for the pain you took to actually publish it. Be ready for more.

[LOLKILLERTOTHEDEATH 1,921]

Thank you for understanding and for the pain you took to actually publish it. Be ready for more.

Not at all. I look forward to it.

[P.4.R.K.O.U.R 329]

A like? Who is this generous person?

Edited June 30, 2018 by P.4.R.K.O.U.R

[thethiefofvictory 339]

Mmmm, nice. Could do with improvement, but it appears Lol (lol) beat me. Anyways, good job, let's see what happens next.

[P.4.R.K.O.U.R 329]

Initially, you start out describing Leroy and his family and you spend a good amount of time describing this. I imagined that your story would have to do with these "Harper" people. Later, and unfortunately rather abruptly, you switched focus to Leroy and the "fight scene".

I finally understood and corrected that error. It was indeed a sudden turn in the story. Edited July 1, 2018 by P.4.R.K.O.U.R