Deplorable Dave

[iloveatilla 3]

We were “winning.”

We were “winning” in honesty, sportsmanship, effort, fairness, and integrity.

They were winning the game.

Our team had three players. Theirs had twenty-three. Nine of them had made a human wall around the goal, which was completely unnecessary owing to the four goalies sprawled there. The other ten were on offence.

Zachary and Meghan, my only teammates, were somehow miraculously successful in keeping the horde of kids - who had an unusual yen for shouting and neon pink shin guards - from scoring a goal.

I never said anything about Dave.

Dave was thirty but looked fifty. He had greasy black hair and a grotesquely unshaven face. He was one of those people who think they are smarter than they are.

Dave stood next to our goal and, whenever the ball came close, used one foot to trip me up and the other to score a goal. “Ha! Scored against a little kid,” he chuckled, which infuriated me.

Once, when he failed to trip me up and I blocked the ball, his face grew as red as a sunburnt naked mole rat eating strawberry jam and he shouted, “FOUL!”

My dad, who was watching much more passively from the sidelines, shouting out the occasional encouraging word or friendly remark, jogged over to say, “Well,

Dave, it’s just an impromptu soccer team. We don’t have jerseys, award trophies, or keep score. We don’t usually do fouls. We’re not a league. I mean, if I were to—”

Dave drew himself up to his full height of six feet, looked my dad in the face, and called him a name I’m not inclined to put in print. “FREE SCORE!” he screamed at the top of his lungs, picking up the soccer ball and hurling it pointlessly over my head. “SCORE!” he shouted, tripping me up just for old times’ sake.

And on and on it went.

Eventually the call came from Mr. Legan, the man who organized soccer, “Five minutes!”

I cried a few tears of blessed, sacred relief. At last. Dave scored three more goals, but I hardly paid attention. Four minutes. Three and a half. Two. One.

It was over.

I hugged myself in the dying light, rejoicing that it was, at last, over. Then, to my disbelief, Dave walked over to the nearest person and gave himself up to bragging. Occasionally he glanced at me, looking smug, and then went on.

“LEGAN!” he called when he was done. “I hear you’re giving a free three-course dinner and dessert to all the players on the winning team. Of course, that can't be afforded—”

Relief washed over Mr Legan's face.

“So,” Dave continued, “it would be much more convenient if you just gave it to me.”

“Oh, but Dave,” Mr. Legan stammered. “I—I—I—well—I in fact never made this arrangement—surely you are joking—such a respectable person—and if the kids - you know I have thirteen kids - saw you eating—well—they’d all scream and shout for more—and I’m not a rich man—I've only got twelve dollars in my bank account—”

Dave reminded me of a bull as he bellowed, "Silence! You shall do as I wish.”

I expect, though I don’t know, that poor Mr. Legan had to buy Dave dinner. The one thing I do know is that I never went to soccer again.

[kaisdf 3,320]

Article Approved

 

An interesting article. I must admit that the first time I read it, I really struggled to understand it. Whilst editing it, it started to make sense, but I still don’t really understand the premise. A random football game, with 3 people against 23, no goal tally, and no fouls? It just seems kind of pointless to me.

Dave’s original height of five foot really didn’t seem intimidating (bearing in mind the average male height is 5 foot 9 inches), so I changed it to 6 foot.

The characters use language far posher than you would expect for their descriptions or situation. Mr Legan, who is stony broke and has 13 children says, “I never made this arrangement - surely you are joking”? I haven’t changed most of it as it isn’t impossible. It is, however, implausible.

[thethiefofvictory 339]

Article Approved

That's not how you do it :ph34r:

 

Anyways, I skimmed it, and I agree with kais' points. I didn't understand the story much. 

 

Also took, no need to not post with that account  :ph34r:

Edited August 10, 2018 by thethiefofvictory

[Person_Random 4,991]

This story left me slightly confused.  And trust me, I write terrible.  Believability is the big issue here.

[Hippin_in_Hawaii 639]

Children with a “yen” for shouting? Yen is the Japanese currency, which doesn’t seem to fit here, so I replaced it with affinity. Mr Legan’s children would “clamber and haberdash” for food? I replaced them with "shout and cry"

 

"Yen" is actually a synonym for urge, passion, yearning, hunger. Children having a yen for yelling is a completely appropriate use of the word. Maybe it's an American English thing, but it's in commonplace usage over here.

 

"Clamber" means to climb, although is seems to carry an overtone of being rushed. You might clamber over a wall if a dog were chasing you. A child wanting food might clamber over the adult who could buy it, I suppose, but that's a reach.

 

I had to dig a bit to even find "haberdash" as a verb. Seems it can mean the act of selling small goods. That one really does seem off the mark, but thanks for making me learn something new!

[Person_Random 4,991]

"Yen" is actually a synonym for urge, passion, yearning, hunger. Children having a yen for yelling is a completely appropriate use of the word. Maybe it's an American English thing, but it's in commonplace usage over here.

 

"Clamber" means to climb, although is seems to carry an overtone of being rushed. You might clamber over a wall if a dog were chasing you. A child wanting food might clamber over the adult who could buy it, I suppose, but that's a reach.

 

I had to dig a bit to even find "haberdash" as a verb. Seems it can mean the act of selling small goods. That one really does seem off the mark, but thanks for making me learn something new!

Haberdash is a word?

[Hippin_in_Hawaii 639]

Haberdash is a word?

Turns out that yes, yes it is.

Haberdash

[kaisdf 3,320]

"Yen" is actually a synonym for urge, passion, yearning, hunger. Children having a yen for yelling is a completely appropriate use of the word. Maybe it's an American English thing, but it's in commonplace usage over here.

 

"Clamber" means to climb, although is seems to carry an overtone of being rushed. You might clamber over a wall if a dog were chasing you. A child wanting food might clamber over the adult who could buy it, I suppose, but that's a reach.

 

I had to dig a bit to even find "haberdash" as a verb. Seems it can mean the act of selling small goods. That one really does seem off the mark, but thanks for making me learn something new!

Ooh ok. Yen is not used in that sense at all in the UK as far as I'm aware, but since it's correct, I will revert it back to "yen". I think clamber and haberdash still sound unnaturally posh and don't quite make sense, so I will leave them edited as is.

[Hippin_in_Hawaii 639]

There's a quote, usually attributed to George Bernard Shaw, along the lines of "The English and Americans are two peoples divided by a common language." Although Shaw never actually wrote that, or any variation on it, it's a fun notion. One of the things I find enjoyable about this forum is seeing examples of how the language is wielded and spelled differently depending on where the writer learned.

[Total_SkiIl 1,983]

There's a quote, usually attributed to George Bernard Shaw, along the lines of "The English and Americans are two peoples divided by a common language." Although Shaw never actually wrote that, or any variation on it, it's a fun notion. One of the things I find enjoyable about this forum is seeing examples of how the language is wielded and spelled differently depending on where the writer learned.

UK English ftw