Untreated, Chapter 1

[Person_Random 4,991]

In the midst of a dream, while trying not to look sleepy in history classes, I drifted off soon enough. Awakened in the middle of the wedding march, I see faces well hidden by the veils they wore, or their sunglasses shielding their eyes from the bright rays of summer sun. But I will never forget that triangular face.

 

During the ceremony, many people step up and speak about the soon-to-be together couple, a somewhat small pair compared to the taller people in these days. After drifting in and out of boredom while listening to endless speeches, a slim woman wearing a summer dress steps up lightly. She reminds me of my older cousin: same hair, same eyes, same taste in clothes, even. Stepping up, she smiles weakly at the crowd, then lays her speech on the stand. However, I can’t hear a thing at first, but I realise that I am just too far away. Since her voice cannot project, like mine, I only catch a few words blowing in the wind towards me. However, in the front rows, I see the audience gasping as if she has cast a curse on the couple.

 

“And you said you would not go official until 2020, but you broke that promise two years ago! So is it now July 15th, 2033? Has time gone forward two years?” I shudder at the thought of those words, which sting like poison even to an outsider like me.

 

“I tried to warn you… but you treated us like chopped liver!” Another phrase like that, and I see a woman in the corner faint, the others try to help her up. But in the midst, someone else stands out: the only one who paid attention to the insulting words sincerely.

 

I lean closer to hear everything I can, but her words come to a close, and then I really see her complexion, glowing in several shades of anger and jealousy like never before.

 

Instantly, her face turns pale, she staggers back a few steps, and it looks like she will fall. And she is on her knees as I hear her last syllable.

 

“...co?!” With that, she keels over right into the stunned piano player.

 

“Jo-Ann Palano!” the history teacher calls. “Answer the question!”

 

Struggling to think of a response, I only remember the final scenes of my dream, the woman collapsing, her face lifeless.

 

“Death!” I cry, unaware that I have replied out loud.

 

“Yes, precisely. Death is the answer...”

 

---

 

Welcome to a new series, Untreated.  This is so unlike my usual writing styles...

 

So please read and comment for the feedback!  Thanks!

 

-P.R.

[LOLKILLERTOTHEDEATH 1,921]

Approved!

 

Well done upon making your article have significantly less mistakes. If memory serves, I caught about three or so, which were generally words in the wrong context. I quite liked the imagery too.

[Person_Random 4,991]

Approved!

 

Well done upon making your article have significantly less mistakes. If memory serves, I caught about three or so, which were generally words in the wrong context. I quite liked the imagery too.

i think it is has but i can't be sure.

[P.4.R.K.O.U.R 329]

Wish I could write like this...

[thethiefofvictory 339]

Wish I could write like this...

You can... Impersonation was pretty good, the only thing I disliked about that was the odd formatting. You should continue, I'm waiting for Part 4!

 

Anyways. Mmm, interesting story! Good job Random, I'll be waiting for more!

[LOLKILLERTOTHEDEATH 1,921]

Wish I could write like this...

Don't; While this piece is very well written, it would hardly be your style, which (in my opinion) is what you should master. 

[P.4.R.K.O.U.R 329]

You can... Impersonation was pretty good, the only thing I disliked about that was the odd formatting. You should continue, I'm waiting for Part 4!

 

Anyways. Mmm, interesting story! Good job Random, I'll be waiting for more!

Odd formatting?

 

I guess I got misunderstood. I am not switching my style, I was just wondering if I could think with this depth. I know everyone has their own style and I am satisfied with mine.

BTW, I had actually thought the story of part 1,2 and 3 before starting and it will take some time to frame out the next parts. So, till that time I would publish other articles different from the Impersonation series.

Edit: I changed font to trebuchet ms if that's what you wanted.

Edited August 9, 2018 by P.4.R.K.O.U.R

[P.4.R.K.O.U.R 329]

“And you said you would not go official until 2020, but you broke that promise two years ago! So is it now July 15th, 2033? Has time gone forward two years?”

I didn't get it. :x

[Magenta 5,165]

I think you tried too hard to make the reader eager for Chapter 2. Leaving a bit of ambiguity at the end to create suspense is good, but this is too much.

 

Great stuff otherwise.

[thethiefofvictory 339]

I think you tried too hard to make the reader eager for Chapter 2. Leaving a bit of ambiguity at the end to create suspense is good, but this is too much.

 

Great stuff otherwise.

Well... thought it wasn't that ambiguous, might be made so by the weird sentence about dates that may be badly constructed. Other than that, I sense the 'history' is memory or dream to the protagonist. And there's something about marriage and broken vows. I think it was enough - given from the replies to my stories I'd think I write stories more ambiguous than this :lol:

[Person_Random 4,991]

Wish I could write like this...

Eh Parkour you are good.  I've been working on this idea for a year before actually writing it out.  There's some foreshadowing here and there. Well, the character and the beginning took time, but that's detail work.

And plus, your stories are more popular than mine.  It's just one good chapter, really. Chs. 2 & 3 are really nothing.

 

I think you tried too hard to make the reader eager for Chapter 2. Leaving a bit of ambiguity at the end to create suspense is good, but this is too much.

 

Great stuff otherwise.

True but I'm a tryhard anyways... I'm in AP calc.  K taken your advices and thx

 

Ch 2 will be out soon!  and the future chapters... depends on my classes.

Edited August 10, 2018 by Person_Random

[P.4.R.K.O.U.R 329]

Ch 2 will be out soon!

Will it be related to this one or independent, as I feel it will be?

Anyways, best of luck.

[Person_Random 4,991]

related.  Ch2 and 3 are un action packed boring ones, but the real fun is later.

(Ch.5)  And don't forget Ch. 13.5 or something like that.  (it might be a bigger number)

Edited August 11, 2018 by Person_Random