The Last Messenger

[Chronicle 164]

Note: The following piece contains some graphic content that some readers may find disturbing.

 

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As society teetered upon the brink of collapse, peaceful realms became taint with fear, war, and death. This post-apocalyptic age was merited among the best; a true survival of the fittest. The corruption in this world turned out to be excessively intrusive, a disease that infected the very bones of society. The apathy of the community grew steadily and smothered any course for change. The day of reckoning had arrived.

 

Some believed that this was a sign from the man above. Having reconciled at the behest of religion, the men began to recast the foundation - for old times' sake, "Paraclete" they called it. Prayer blessed the beginning of a new human race, but corruption lingered, looking for a weakness. Over time people were sent across distant deserts to recite the new code. Sadly, no one ever returned. It was suspected that murderers roamed the vicinity in search of food and gear. Thus going out of bounds was suicide.

 

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Émile was only a young boy when his father left, and his mother passed away during childbirth. Refusing to seek an orphanage, he spent his numbered days alone in a hut. Émile believed that his ultimate purpose lay beyond the bounds. With his head held high, Émile set off at dawn in hopes of fulfilling his journey of self-discovery.

 

Upon arriving at some desolated fields, Émile encountered a small group of ramblers. Their faces were shrouded by their hued-taupe clothing and they approached with suggestive remarks. Émile foresaw the threat and dashed towards the nearest building, only to realize it was an ambush. He wounded a man while attempting to escape but was flung back into a corner. Surrounded, he tucked himself into a ball to protect his vital organs. Suddenly, a bright light illuminated the room leaving Émile and the rest of the ramblers dazed. When his vision returned, Émile looked around the room and saw that the ramblers were gone. All that remained was a puddle of blood where they each had stood. 

 

Something caught Émile's eye, and as he looked down he noticed that his hands were dripping with blood. He rushed to the sink and proceeded to scrub them over and over again. But the flow of blood didn't seem to stop. His hands were raw, but he kept scouring them with hostility. He refused to bring his hands together in prayer while sin still clung to them. He began to notice that the blood he was washing off wasn't the ramblers'. It was his own. Panicking, he quickly picked up a towel and wrapped his tattered hands in it. With tears in his dark brown eyes, he collapsed into the corner of the room, curling himself into the foetal position and began to weep silently. The towel had stemmed the flow of blood, but the scratches were still very tender.

 

Émile heard a few broken cries nearby, and as he slowly lurched through the door frame he saw a man lying on the floor, whimpering. The man was pulling himself along,  crawling towards the door. He rolled over onto the side of his good leg. A streak of blood trailed behind him. He didn’t move but started to cry, lying there in a growing pool of blood with his leg shattered in pieces next to him. He tried to get up but collapsed into a heap after just a second. Émile plunged a knife deep into the man's neck to end his suffering. Blood sprayed out and completely covered the adjacent wall. Wiping the tears from his face with his sleeve, Émile lay there in the dark and tried to clear his mind of all thoughts. He didn't want to think about what he had done or what he knew he had to do. He just wanted a few moments of solace.

[kaisdf 3,320]

Article Approved.

 

As a standalone piece, it has some flaws. The story seems to jump around at the start; the first paragraph describes the post-apocalypse scene, but ends with “the day of reckoning had arrived”, which suggests the apocalypse hadn’t yet started?

As the introductory piece to a series, it is great. It sets the scene well enough for the story so far but leaves enough gaps for you to be able to go back and describe and fill in later.

There are gaps. What happens in the flash of light? Does Émile have superpowers? What happens to him after this? Does he find his purpose? It is up to you to either pick up the pen and fill these in for a great story, or leave it as is with these unexplained plot holes.

On a small side note, I really liked the ‘bloody hands’ section. The symbolism of the blood as sin clinging to him, and the slow realisation that the blood is actually his is really good description.

 

Note to the author (specifically): the structure was actually pretty good, apart from the slightly confusing first and second paragraphs.

Edits:

Major:

·        Very inconsistent tenses - you were constantly switching between past and present tenses throughout most of the piece. I decided to switch it all to past, though that decision is somewhat arbitrary.

·        There was a lot of unnecessary use of the pluperfect tense (“had ____ed”). The pluperfect is used to refer to something in the past that has started (but not necessarily finished). For example, you could say, “The defenders had been practicing for a week when the game started”

Minor:

·         You said that “the apathy of the community had grown redundantly”. In the context, this seemed self-contradictory, and so I changed “redundantly” to “steadily”.

·        “Desolated” is a verb, you used it as an adjective. (The adjectival form would be “desolate”.)

·        Try not to split infinitives, i.e. “he began to weep silently” instead of “he began to silently weep”.

·        A small formatting change: a line to split the scene-setting paragraphs from the story paragraphs

Edited August 12, 2018 by kaisdf
waw my comments are almost as long as the piece :x

[Chronicle 164]

Thanks for taking the time to read my piece and give feedback. I'll keep everything mentioned in mind for future pieces, I'll see if I can make the story flow better.

 

 

Well, the comments are actually shorter than I've anticipated :ph34r: 

 

[Pyre 3,485]

Out, damn spot!

Nice piece.