Kaisdf's Basics in Education and Learning

[TankiNoob2000 231]

A package arrived at my door. I opened my door and took it inside. I opened the package and Kaisdf's basics was inside. I booted up my PC and put the disk in. However, a portal opened and pulled me inside. I was in the actual game.

Kaisdf said "Welcome to my school house." I ignored him and read the rules. They were simple enough and they told me to collect 7 notebooks to earn my freedom.

I went to the first classroom and found a notebook. I solved the 3 problems on the journal with my pencil. I got all 3 correct and went back out. Kaisdf said "Good job. Come here and get your prize." I took the dollar bill he gave me and I ran to the next room.

I found the next notebook and did the 3 math problems but the third notebook was gibberish. I tried to guess and Kaisdf said, "I get angrier each time you answer wrong!" I ran out of the room and saw Kaisdf trying to attack me. I ran as fast as I could to the next room.

I found the next room, the third notebook, and some safety scissors. I took both of them then I ran out of the room. I ran until I saw Nives. I managed to hide from him when he ran past me. I saw the next room where the 4th notebook was located. I found a chocolate bar and the 4th notebook. I did the 3 problems and ran out. I heard Kaisdf say, "I'm getting faster TN." I used my dollar on a vending machine I found and I got some baking soda. Kasim was in front of me and said "Gonna take a piece of your candy." I gave him my chocolate bar and kept running. Kaisdf was getting faster.

I heard the broom in the janitors room say "Gotta sweep sweep sweep. I went to a classroom and found the next notebook. I grabbed it and ran out. Then Nives came and said to me, "No running in the halls." He also said, "Detention for you. When you will learn?" I was in the detention room and I heard Kaisdf say "I'm waiting for you to finish detention." My detention finished and I ran fast enough to out run Kaisdf. I went inside another classroom and found the 6th notebook. Now I needed to find the last notebook. Kaisdf was so fast now and he was very close to me.

I ran until I found another classroom and it had the last notebook. I took it and I heard Kaisdf say, "Congratulations! You found all 7 notebooks. All you need to do is GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN!" I ran like I never had before.

Kaisdf was so fast he was 1 step behind me. I was tired of running and I noticed that I still had the baking soda. When Kaisdf was about to get me, I threw the baking soda at him, got my energy back, and started running again.

I was almost to the exit but if I stopped Kaisdf would get me so I ran past my true limit and found a portal. I jumped through and I was back in my room. The portal closed but not before a piece of paper slipped through. It said "Congratulations, you won!" I took a sigh of relief, took the game out and played Tanki instead. I would think twice before playing this game again.

[kaisdf 3,320]

Article Approved.

 

A significant improvement on the previous two articles you submitted. A bit all over the place, but certainly more logical and coherent.

Try and vary the verbs you use with interesting synonyms. You use “Ran” 12 times - try sprinted, darted, dashed, scurried, hurried, rushed, etc. “Went” (4 times) and “found” (11 times) are other examples of overused verbs.

 

Edits:

• A load of random words changed for clarity.
• You need a comma before direct speech, for example “Nives said, ‘Hello!’”

 

Hey, I think I like being the bad guy  ^_^ 

Edited September 1, 2018 by kaisdf
and yes, this was done with my permission.

[Pun 902]

Kaisdf I can see you...

[kaisdf 3,320]

Kaisdf I can see you...

:ph34r:

 

Plz no spam here, this is for discussion of the piece.

[Cpt.JackHammer 1,473]

...What kind of fiction is this...
kais, you better hide yourself in a safe place boi

[Mjro7 2,837]

huh  :huh:

[Pun 902]

I liked this story , it sorta reminds me of Rob cantor - Shia Laboeuf , where kaisdf/Shia is hunting "you". Your story started with a CD that changed your life ,I also liked the fact that the characters could easily be changed and the story doesn't change , maybe you could have emphasized more the current status of the characters. It is totally okay as it resembles a dream/nightmare

 

:ph34r:

 

Plz no spam here, this is for discussion of the piece.

Funny and non accurate ;p

[thethiefofvictory 339]

:lol:

 

Good one! No criticisms, other than the ones by other posters. :D

[P.4.R.K.O.U.R 329]

I don't know to what extent this article has been edited, but I liked your concept and writing style. However, there were a few things in the beginning you could have elaborated, which you have done well later on.

1. I opened the package and Kaisdf's basics was inside.

 

2. However, a portal opened and pulled me inside.

 

3. Kaisdf said "Welcome to my school house."

 

1. Not a big problem. It actually took me a while to understand that it was a video game. Try mentioning specifications while not saying too much. Like, I opened the package and Kaisdf's basics, the cool game I had ordered, was inside.

 

2. It sounded too casual. I know nowadays people get sucked into video games a lot, but let's just ignore that.

 

3. Again, not a big problem. You could have elaborated that Kaisdf was present there. For example, Kaisdf stood there with his arms open (or crossed) and greeted me. "Welcome to my school house."

Edited September 3, 2018 by P.4.R.K.O.U.R

[Cpt.JackHammer 1,473]

Okay so a video game just sucked you in and you ignored a similar face trying to tell you something upon your reach there... (Kaisdf said "Welcome to my school house." I ignored him and read the rules.)

[DieselPlatinum 5,121]

Baldi has landed on TO :ph34r: