Left Alone

[Aigaion 636]

A short suspense story based on a real-life experience

 

It started out as a calm Friday. The sun was gently touching the tops of the tallest trees I could see. The last hours of the afternoon I had planned to spend well. As usually, dad was at work, mom also at her new job for the evening. And as most moms do, she left me a torn out note on the dining room table. In barely legible cursive was listed chores and such before I do things of my own accord. Those, she didn’t care about. By 3:00 all I had left was practicing my guitar, so I walked (more of took lengthy steps across) to the corner of my room. I picked up the dusty black case, laid it on top of my bed, unhooked the metallic latches and lifted the heavy top. I pulled out a stool from under my desk, then I cradled my instrument with the bottom hand and put my fingers on the chords with the top. I got lost in a song from there, moving into almost a transcendental state of union with mind and music. I hardly recall anything about the song, but I do know I was satisfied. I stood up and sat the guitar gently back into its case. What I heard next made my blood run cold. I could hear a distinct sound of applause echoing from the attic.

 

 

I nearly fell over from the shock, and stood in place contemplating what happened. My mind was racing for what felt like an eternity. I knew that wasn’t a bat or just my imagination, it was all too real.

 

 

“All too real”, I told myself.

 

I took a deep breath, just from that, I could feel my heart racing, something I hadn’t noticed with the previous shock. I slowly began to walk out of my room, putting one foot in front of the other. My whole body was shaking, and breath trembling, but I knew what I was going to do. I found myself at a closet at the edge of my home. Grasping the bronze doorknob with sweaty and still shaking palms, I could barely turn it. The door being opened made a loud sound of wood against wood. The groan of the hinges didn’t help either. I reached for the top box, placing my thumbs on the bottom so it wouldn’t fall as it was quite heavy. I gently placed it on my parents' bed. Sliding the hinges to the side allowed me to open the box.

 

I think I was not old enough for the object I was now holding in my hands. Clicking the magazine released the button. My left hand let go of the gun and I barely caught the magazine in midair. I put the gun down back into its case. I violently pulled out a heavy green box on the bed. It was much heavier than it looked, and inside was something resembling a lead. I pulled up a big black handle and flipped the metal latch down. I opened the lid and took out a white cardboard box with Winchester 9mm’s. I loaded them into the magazine with speeds I hardly knew I was capable of and slid the whole thing back into the handle of the gun that made a satisfying click.

 

Taking another shaky deep breath, I began to slowly walk up the stairs. The closer I moved to the attic’s ceiling entry, the more scared I got. By the time I was looking up at the door, I was a mere bundle of fear and nervousness with sweaty hands. With one swift motion, I pulled back the gun slide, loading the first round into the chamber. Somehow, I built up enough courage to pull the cord on the door in the ceiling, letting it fall down but stopping at an angle with a clunk. With a loaded gun in my dominant right hand, I pulled down the wooden ladder that stopped on the floor. Shoving the gun in my pocket, I began the short climb until I stopped just before the attic's floor that had come into my view.

 

I let my eyes adjust to the darkness by peeking around the semi-dark room before I dared to enter it. I pulled myself up and was standing on the cold floor, dragging out the gun and switching the safety off. My eyes darted around the room wildly. The cold temperature there only made me feel worse. I was brave enough to take my first step with shallow breaths. There was not much in this attic my mind had noticed, but my I discarded that fact and continued with almost a hunting instinct. Although, whatever there was, it was after me. While comprehending this, I turned around sharply and noticed a large, closed wardrobe. Whatever it was could be easily hiding in there. Immediately I wanted to shoot it up and kill whatever was in it, but the super-ego thinking morally gave this person, if any in there, a chance. Taking a step back I said.

 

“Whatever you are, come out peacefully and I won’t kill you!”

 

I waited, but without an answer. My sense of morality vanished and I pulled the trigger three times hitting the wardrobe. The noise was nearly as shocking as the sound that caused me to come in here. I didn’t expect it to be that loud. It immediately caused disorientation for a second and an excruciating ringing for that time. I squinted my eyes from the pain and prepared myself for a possible gruesome scene. I flung the left door open and…

 

Nothing. Aside from three holes in the back that let in some light into the otherwise dark attic. The sight of nothing should have been a relief to my mind, but the contrary was true. It wasn’t. If anything, it made me feel even more scared than before. I turned around slowly from fear and took a long look at the rest of the room to see if nothing else is hiding. The room was pretty open and empty as it was. By then, the trembling from fear had stopped, and I was nearly breathing at my normal rate again.

 

“Maybe it was really my imagination,” I said to myself, letting out a sigh. I flipped the gun’s safety back on and stuffed it back into my pocket. Walking to the ladder and climbing back down, feeling relieved and almost relaxed, but something still made me feel a bit uncomfortable. I lifted the ceiling door back into its original position, with gun drawn out. Satisfied that nothing was in my way, I walked and kept a steady pace through the hallway back into my room with this all behind me.

Then, I heard my guitar being played...

 

The End

 

Happy Halloween!  :P

Edited October 26, 2018 by Aigaion

[Flexoo 6,980]

Approved.

 

Edits:

 

- Added a couple of commas to add some pauses into the writing and divided few sentences to 2 shorter ones. Note that not every single sentence have to be 2 lines long. Besides, the sentences did not have a natural flow to them. Try to diversify your writing and rotate long and short sentences.

 

- "Picking up the dusty black case and heaving it on top of my bed, unhooking the metallic latches and lifting the heavy top. I pulled out a stool from under my desk than cradling my instrument with the bottom hand and putting fingers on the chords with the top." - I rephrased this sentence and changed the verbs to past tense which seemed far natural to me. Generally, lot of verbs in the article were in continuous form while the simple past tense would be more suitable.

 

"The object I was holding in both hands, although still just barely not old enough to own." - many of your sentences were written this way, the way that made no sense. When writing, read your sentences once again, maybe even loudly to know they are correct. In this case, I would phrase it this way: "I think I was not old enough to own the object that now rested in my hands."

 

- not an edit, but rather an advise. Try to inject your writing with more diverse vocabulary. Some of the words describing an action were extremely overused in your writing. E.g. "pull/pulled".

-paragraphs were still large so I further split them up.

[Aigaion 636]

thanks, you did a great job, next time I'll use a thesaurus  :wacko:   ;)

Edited October 25, 2018 by Aigaion

[P.4.R.K.O.U.R 329]

 

Edits:

 

- Added a couple of commas to add some pauses into the writing and divided few sentences to 2 shorter ones. Note that not every single sentence have to be 2 lines long. Besides, the sentences did not have a natural flow to them. Try to diversify your writing and rotate long and short sentences.

 

- "Picking up the dusty black case and heaving it on top of my bed, unhooking the metallic latches and lifting the heavy top. I pulled out a stool from under my desk than cradling my instrument with the bottom hand and putting fingers on the chords with the top." - I rephrased this sentence and changed the verbs to past tense which seemed far natural to me. Generally, lot of verbs in the article were in continuous form while the simple past tense would be more suitable.

 

"The object I was holding in both hands, although still just barely not old enough to own." - many of your sentences were written this way, the way that made no sense. When writing, read your sentences once again, maybe even loudly to know they are correct. In this case, I would phrase it this way: "I think I was not old enough to own the object that now rested in my hands."

 

- not an edit, but rather an advise. Try to inject your writing with more diverse vocabulary. Some of the words describing an action were extremely overused in your writing. E.g. "pull/pulled".

-paragraphs were still large so I further split them up.

 

Done away with the sugar coating, I guess.

[DRAKO523 795]

What a lovely spooky-themed read. I am assuming another one soon?  :)