Darkness [Part 1]

[Lose 881]

It all started 4 years ago

 

But it still haunts me to this day.

 

What happened, you ask?

 

The Attack happened.

 

Let me take you back to Christmas Eve of 2014.

 

 

 

"We're almost there," said my mother, "You must be so excited! A birthday party on Christmas Eve!"

I shrugged.

"Meh."

As we pulled into my best friend's house, my mother gave me a warm smile. 

 

I didn't realize it was the last smile I would see from her.

 

I walked out, carrying my present. When I turned around to wave bye to my mom, the car was gone. How on Earth could it have gone that fast? I thought. Whatever. I knocked on the door, to be welcomed by my friends parents, whom I knew well. I put my present with the rest and I went to see what they were doing.

"Lets play tag outside!"

"No, it's far too dark."

"That's what makes it fun!"

"Agreed!"

"OK, fine. Everybody outside for tag."

I walked outside with everybody else, joking like I had already been there for ages.

When I walked out, I was struck by how cold it was. It definitely wasn't this cold when I got here. And that was 2 minutes ago.

We did blue shoe to see who would be it. It was the birthday boy, James.

"Alright, I'm counting! 1... 2... 3..."

Me and my friend Ethan started running as fast as we could. They said there were no boundaries.

"Cmon," I said, "I saw a place we could go on my way here."

My idea was to go into the woods. 

 

That was my mistake. 

 

We went towards the woods, and as we got there we heard James: "49... 50! READY OR NOT, HERE I COME!"

We bolted into the forest.

It was pitch black, and we constantly bumped into each other. Eventually we got tired and we started walking. We couldn't see a thing. 

I was staring at my feet, watching out so I wouldn't trip, when the group changed suddenly. 

I whirled around to see the final specks of nighttime disappear as the door shut silently. Ethan didn't notice a thing.

"Hey Ethan, the floor seems different, did you notice?"

He bent down and put his hand on the floor. As soon as he pressed his hand against the floor he started shaking.

"I-It's marble... but... this place seems... creepy. I'm scared."

That came as a shock to me, as he was rarely scared.

"Scared...?"

"You heard me."

I pressed my hand against the floor. Instantly, I couldn't see anything. I've been unable to see before, but this was different. This kind of dark felt constricting, evil.

"I-It's dark now..."

I was surprised to hear my voice echo so much. This building must have been huge. How did we not see it?

"W-what is this place... it's like a temple..."

"A temple of what," Ethan asked jokingly, "darkness?"

"That is very much what this is," said a dark voice that seemed to come from everywhere, but also nowhere, "this is the Temple of Darkness. Enjoy it, now that you won't live much longer."

[kaisdf 3,320]

Article Approved.

 

Not bad. An unusual start to a horror story, but I like it. Can't wait for part 2!

 

A few notes on the style: you don't need a line break every 3rd sentence, it makes the piece seem disjointed. Try using paragraphs, splitting things up every 4 lines or so.

 

Also, try to avoid repeating words too much. "The dark felt... dark. 'It's... dark,' I said." Those three can all easily be inferred from from the first. It is better to cut it short and say "It was dark", than to repeat unnecessarily. Alternatively, try words like eerie, creepy, etc.

 

Edits:

• A few words changed for flow.
• Make sure to start speech with a capital letter, regardless of the punctuation beforehand"
• A few attempts to change the aforementioned.

[thethiefofvictory 339]

I liked it, interesting. No written story scares me, and this didn't even feel disturbing or creepy (you probably intend that for later), but it's nice nonetheless! Only problem is formatting - as kais said, paragraph. Not huge paragraphs, though. 

 

Or break two lines instead of one, like I've done in this post. And don't hesitate to have two-line paragraphs, or even one line, like this post.

[cryptor 589]

I like it  ;)

[Magenta 5,165]

Nice stuff, but maybe you should format your writings?

 

I hope we'll see more of you in the AWS, by the way.

[Lose 881]

Nice stuff, but maybe you should format your writings?

 

I hope we'll see more of you in the AWS, by the way.

yea formatting is an issue i tend to have but ill work on it

[Magenta 5,165]

yea formatting is an issue i tend to have but ill work on it

It's quite simple, really. Just press Ctrl+A and then click this:

 

Also, since most of your stories seem to be dialogues, just keep 1 line of spacing between lines. For instance, this...

 

"Lets play tag outside!"

"No, it's far too dark."

"That's what makes it fun!"

"Agreed!"

"OK, fine. Everybody outside for tag."

 

...should be like this...

 

"Lets play tag outside!"

 

"No, it's far too dark."

 

"That's what makes it fun!"

 

"Agreed!"

 

"OK, fine. Everybody outside for tag."

 

 

Much easier for the reader that way.

[Lose 881]

It's quite simple, really. Just press Ctrl+A and then click this:

 

Also, since most of your stories seem to be dialogues, just keep 1 line of spacing between lines. For instance, this...

 

"Lets play tag outside!"

"No, it's far too dark."

"That's what makes it fun!"

"Agreed!"

"OK, fine. Everybody outside for tag."

 

...should be like this...

 

"Lets play tag outside!"

 

"No, it's far too dark."

 

"That's what makes it fun!"

 

"Agreed!"

 

"OK, fine. Everybody outside for tag."

 

 

Much easier for the reader that way.

thanks for the tip on dialogue, but i cant see the image for the formatting fix

Edited November 18, 2018 by Lose

[Magenta 5,165]

thanks for the tip on dialogue, but i cant see the image for the formatting fix

Now?

[Lose 881]

Now?

yep i see it now thanks