Slender Man Returns: Part 2

[TankiNoob2000 231]

I woke up to find myself on the hospital bed. My vision was blurry but it cleared after a couple of seconds. The first person I saw was a man yelling out; "He's awake!" I then heard footsteps from the next 3 rooms down to my room. "What happened?" I asked in a confused tone. The man who noticed the commotion from earlier replied with, "I saw that you were unconscious so I called 911 and here you are."

 

I looked at all the doctors standing near me and I asked them, "How long have I been here?" One doctor, who looked like he was in his 30s, replied with "3 days, 2 nights." I took a sigh of relief because wouldn't be there to get me again. One of the doctors said, "We will get you some food. We'll be right back." The doctors left quickly leaving the man and myself alone in the room.

I looked at the man and in one, slow motion I said to him,"Thanks for what you did. You saved my life tonight." The man held his hand out and responded, "Name's Jonathan. How bout yours?" I told him my name was Phillip and I shook his hand. I started talking to him, and after a couple minutes we were pretty much friends.

It was 5:05 AM and the man had already fallen asleep. The doctors came by with some Chicken Tenders and some Brisk. I was shocked and asked the doctors,"How did you know I wanted this?" My voice was loud enough to wake Jonathan up. The doctors gave me my food and they left shortly after. Jonathan stood up and started stretching. But at that moment, my head started to drive me crazy again. "No not again! It's back for more!" I yelled. Jonathan saw me yelling and mumbled to himself, "What do I do?!" He eventually had the courage to punch me in the head to break the curse.

I regained control of myself and Jonathan questioned me asking,"You ok?" When I looked at him, I saw Slender Man. I shrieked in horror and ended up knocking him out by punching him. I got out of bed and started running to the bathroom, since my room didn't have one. I went in the Men's room and locked the door so no one else could enter.

Slender Man was messing with my head once more and he actually started speaking. In a mocking tone, he asked,"You feel the pain?! It's getting worse and worse!" I heard a voice coming from outside saying," Come out. It's us, the doctors." I opened the door and when I looked at the doctors, they were all Slender Men. I yelled, "There's more of them!" One of the doctors tried to calm me down but I took action and did a takedown.

As soon as I took him down, I started punching him non-stop and the doctors were yelling, "You gotta fight it! Don't give in." I yelled, "This is the only way to stop Slender Man now." I kept on punching him and he had a bleeding nose. Jonathan came out of nowhere with a bat that he found, and whacked me with it to knock me out. I fell on the floor unconscious again. Jonathan helped the injured doctor to his feet and commanded everyone that I needed to be on a bed with restraints so I can only move my hands. I was being carried and I had no idea where I was going.

 

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Part 3 Coming soon... 

[kaisdf 3,320]

Article approved.

 

Your writing has improved significantly in the areas I have mentioned, which is great! Accuracy-wise, all you really need to do is to just go through the piece after finishing, making sure that the spaces are in the right places, making sure there are no spelling mistakes, etc. Try reading the piece aloud to try and get an idea of how it flows.

 

As for content, it is unorthodox, but I like it. Action-packed, full of twists and turns; a good read overall.

 

Edits:

• The verb "to chat" means "to have a conversation". You can say, "I chatted with him", and it means you had a conversation. If you wanted to detail what you said, "I said [...] to him", then you can't use "to chat". To chat is generic, friendly talk included in the word, not specific sentences.
• A few words changed/removed to improve flow.
• Several times you had the space in the wrong place before speech - "I said ,"Hi." - It should be "I said, "Hi."

[TankiNoob2000 231]

Thanks!;)

Edited December 10, 2018 by TankiNoob2000

[Person_Random 4,991]

Great Job!

[TankiNoob2000 231]

Great Job!

Thanks ;)

[Person_Random 4,991]

I like your persistence and ability to keep writing while I rage quit come up with new ideas.

[Person_Random 4,991]

I still don't understand why people don't read this enough.  This is a great series!

[TankiNoob2000 231]

Part 3 will be out soon

[Person_Random 4,991]

Looking forward to it!