The War

[SpartanB312 12]

The soldiers were ready. Their unit name was Buzzkills. Their armour was shining, and their weapons were shouldered. The captain barked, "Battle ready!" The soldiers all roared in agreement and readied their weapons. Their enemies started to advance, and the gates of the castle opened. The leader shouted, and all the soldiers ran out and started attacking the enemies. Within seconds, the sound of swords clanging and gunfire was heard throughout the whole arena.

 

As the fight grew, the captain of each side came up with a plan to take down the another. The captain of the Buzzkills tried to sneak into the other castle and kill the enemy captain. He got out of his own palace and ran as fast as he could to the other captain.  The fight looked safely in the Buzzkills control, but the enemy captain called in reinforcements to even the odds. A dropship full of enemy soldiers came in, but they weren't human soldiers, they were alien soldiers. The captain of the Buzzkills pieced himself back together and kept advancing to the enemy's castle. As he was running, he ended up tripping over a sword on the ground, and cut his toe. He had to walk it off and keep running.

 

The fight was no longer in Buzzkill's favour because the alien soldiers had helped the enemies balance the tide. There were lots of injured soldiers, many fatally. The Buzzkill captain finally arrived at the castle, but the enemy captain already knew what the Buzzkill captain was up to, and he sent alien security guards to go after him. The Buzzkill captain didn't have anything to use as a weapon, but he eventually found a baseball bat. The alien guards found the Buzzkill captain, and he tried to whack them with the bat, but the strikes barely tickled them. The Buzzkill captain ran and hid from the aliens. He realised that the enemy captain was not far now and so ran to confront him.

 

The Buzzkill captain finally managed to arrive and confront the enemy captain. The enemy captain got up and exchanged blows with the Buzzkill captain. The Buzzkill captain punched the enemy captain, but when he looked away, he touched his face to find out there was blood on him. This changed the enemy captain's fighting style, and he found a spear. The Buzzkill captain also found a spear and they both charged. It all came down to who landed the fateful blow. The two men assaulted and their spears collided. It was the Buzzkill captain who received the decisive blow and fell to the ground. The enemy captain laughed evilly and sent in more and more alien soldiers to attack the Buzzkills. The tides were turned, and the enemies were dominating the Buzzkills. The Buzzkills were greatly outnumbered regarding troops, and the commander of the army was asked whether he would surrender or not. The commander refused, and they fought until all the Buzzkills were dead. The enemies have conquered their land and castle and started going into the villages and killing everyone that opposed them. Now the town belonged to the enemies of the Buzzkills.

[Guest]

Approved!

 

Certainly an interesting read and a new concept. That being said, I noticed a few things which could be improve

• Style: I felt that this was particularly lacking. What I mean when I say style is using the appropriate words, phrases and phrasing (spliting into quotes, paragraphs and more) in order to convey your meaning. Especially during the final fight between the Buzzkill captain and the enemies' captain it felt quite passive. If a fight is taking place, make sure the words and phrases you mean reflect what is happening (eating waffles doesn't need words or phrases which indicate danger and fighting should not be the same as napping). I would suggest using more active words with stronger connotations. For example, you used the phrase "The two men assaulted and their spears collided. It was the Buzzkill captain who received the decisive blow and fell to the ground." A better way might be "The two men charged to make their final stand. As their spears crashed into one another, the Buzzkill captain felt a sharp and agonizing pain, only to realize that his enemy's spear and found its way into his chest."
• Punctuation: Not much here, just be careful of your comma usage (adding them where they are not needed or not having them where they are needed

 

I haven't been here for a while now, so if you are a new writer welcome to the AWS!

[Person_Random 4,991]

Approved!

 

Certainly an interesting read and a new concept. That being said, I noticed a few things which could be improve

• Style: I felt that this was particularly lacking. What I mean when I say style is using the appropriate words, phrases and phrasing (spliting into quotes, paragraphs and more) in order to convey your meaning. Especially during the final fight between the Buzzkill captain and the enemies' captain it felt quite passive. If a fight is taking place, make sure the words and phrases you mean reflect what is happening (eating waffles doesn't need words or phrases which indicate danger and fighting should not be the same as napping). I would suggest using more active words with stronger connotations. For example, you used the phrase "The two men assaulted and their spears collided. It was the Buzzkill captain who received the decisive blow and fell to the ground." A better way might be "The two men charged to make their final stand. As their spears crashed into one another, the Buzzkill captain felt a sharp and agonizing pain, only to realize that his enemy's spear and found its way into his chest."
• Punctuation: Not much here, just be careful of your comma usage (adding them where they are not needed or not having them where they are needed

 

I haven't been here for a while now, so if you are a new writer welcome to the AWS!

Nice one sir... 'could be improved'  hahahahahahaha