TBWLP 3: Untreated, Chapter 4

[Person_Random 4,991]

Twisted Twist, Part 2

The slightly more fun part of the twist aka Chapter 4

In case you missed Part One look here.

 

It had been many weeks since school had finished, but there were only mere days before a new year of learning nothing in classrooms began.

 

Since I had the joys of earning money by crafting complex ciphers, I earned an hourly rate of $25 and enjoyed the benefits of rising among the ranks of many adult workers, who often cast me a jealous glance. But with the school year approaching quickly, I would have to work overtime, and sleep in the dormitories in R.T.E. Intelligence.

 

Having bee robbed of a childhood, I missed hanging out with friends on a summer day; I missed talking to people. Instead, I spent my days inventing new codes for myself, keeping them from those who had taken everything from me, enjoying my new hobbies - but it was far from a normal lifestyle.

 

I missed my friend group from school, whom I only saw during lunch and break, and occasionally after school. Even if I wanted to, I would have headed to the Avail Academy bus. But now, with so many complimentary benefits, a classy BMW would arrive at 2:43 precisely, meaning barely, if any, time to socialize, and I would be transported to my office, where I was imprisoned during the work day. After getting home at seven, like my parents, I’d be so tired the only thing I wanted to do was sleep. The work experience was so bad I even found myself yearning for Lzer Lingue’s taunting jeers in the middle of a three-hour meeting. Just about everything I had taken for granted was gone.

 

But mostly, I missed the time spent with friends. Like Jamie, a girl both popular and smart. And him, Pyco Potare. Once known as an underachiever, he "accidentally" ended up in Advanced Math, where I tutored him and brought his test scores up. Then he started working harder in everything to maintain better grades and impress teachers with his hidden ability, which he supposedly used to trick other students.  At least, that's what Bryanna said. Instead, he incorporated his eloquence in buttering up even the worst teachers, especially Ms. Yerb, a stout little teacher whose blazing temper could only be calmed by Pyco and another student, who was now in high school. His hardworking personality extended to the point that he even ended up improving in martial arts, a class where the clumsy Pyco broke wooden boards only by tripping on them. But now, he was just about ready to take his black belt test.

 

Out of all that improvement, he hadn’t forgotten about music. While he hadn’t done well enough to make the Advanced Band last year, he had barely secured himself a spot in the 1st Flute section this time around.

 

And I’d be there. With a flawless audition, my teacher enabled me to be first chair clarinet, the best player in the section. I’d be there to impress him, show him my ability and skills in music.

 

Before school started, I dreamed of the many classes with Pyco, of spending time with him. But then, that all changed.

 

On the first day of school, I found out that Pyco and I would only share one class: band, which was slightly disappointing. So I went about my day as normally as possible, trying to forget about the disappointment of the lack of friends in my classes, and even facing the overly talkative yet boring classmate in math for the third year in a row. After several, long hours, the school day was reaching its end - I had reached my last two classes. As I watched a group of sixth-graders head to lunch, I lined up before the door of a portable.

 

“Hi, Jo-Ann!” someone chirped from behind me. Of course, Hanen Hervon, the cousin of Kris, who had attended Avail with me. I had only seen her a handful of times at school, because she’d come from a private school, but I’d never heard her utter more than a few words of small talk.  Other than that, she kept to herself and was drier than stale bread. Right after I saw Hanen, my gaze fell on Bryanna, who stared intently at her minuscule iPhone 4S, trying to ignore me.  This would be such a good day.  No classes with friends, and enemies all around.

 

After entering and being assigned seats, I found myself a great distance away from Hanen and Bryanna, thankfully, because the two of them were seriously annoying me. Even though Hanen barely talked, the lack of interaction between her and others bothered me. And Bryanna kept shooting deadly glances from across the classroom when I raised my head and set my eyes on her.

 

In eight days, the lack of friends, cruel stares, and poisonous looks in one class fortuitously came to an end. “Sorry, class,” my teacher announced, “I need to teach the seventh-graders during your class time. As a result, your schedules will be affected. You will change history classes. Some of you, three to be precise, will be with me in my other class, and others will change classes.”

 

The day after, my homeroom teacher gave me my new schedule. Same history teacher, different time. Everything was just about the same in the other class, except that the few students from my original class were isolated from the others in another table.  Still no Pyco.

 

But P.E. changed all that. Once I got there, I headed to the assigned area where my class was to meet. And there he was. Pyco. He waved, but only half-heartedly, then turned his head away from me.

 

Then I saw who he was talking to.

 

Hanen Hervon smiled up at me. “Hi, Jo-Ann!” she exclaimed, though her voice was barely above a whisper. Forcing a neutral expression on my face, I fought the urge to run away from them.

 

 

And that's a wrap to Chapter 4.  Wow, been a really long time since I last touched this series.  Dusting off the cobwebs was really fun.  If you want to read more, wait for Chapter 5, coming soon!

By "soon", I do not mean 4 months and 9 days or something like that.

Special note for @thethiefofvictory: Chapter 5 and on is when the cipher comes to use (hint, hint she teaches Pyco).  Sorry, but if I only have Jo-Ann talk to herself with the new code, it would be awfully boring.

[kaisdf 3,320]

Article approved.

 

Good piece, flows well, good accuracy.

 

Parts of the story were better than others. It may be explained well elsewhere, but Hanen's 'just being quiet' would make her far from an enemy... "She irritated me so much by doing nothing irritating"? Most of the rest was good though, that was just one minor issue.

 

As for editing/etc, spelling and grammar were great, nothing wrong there. There were about 3 or 4 places where the phrasing seemed slightly clunky (example in the edits spoiler), but beyond that, all fine.

 

Edits:

• Reworded some slightly clunky phrasing:
• "there were only mere days before a new year of learning nearly nothing in boring classes began." "but there were mere days before a new year of learning nothing in classrooms began."
• "Like this girl who was both popular and smart Jamie, and him. Pyco Potare" -> "Like Jamie, a girl who was both popular and smart. And him, Pyco Potare"
• (I forgot to make a copy of the original, so those are minor mockups of what I remember the originals being, but I hope it helps get the point across

Basically, nothing to worry about. Perhaps just read the piece out aloud when finished to check the flow and feel.

[Person_Random 4,991]

Article approved.

 

Good piece, flows well, good accuracy.

 

Parts of the story were better than others. It may be explained well elsewhere, but Hanen's 'just being quiet' would make her far from an enemy... "She irritated me so much by doing nothing irritating"? Most of the rest was good though, that was just one minor issue.

 

As for editing/etc, spelling and grammar were great, nothing wrong there. There were about 3 or 4 places where the phrasing seemed slightly clunky (example in the edits spoiler), but beyond that, all fine.

 

Edits:

• Reworded some slightly clunky phrasing:
• "there were only mere days before a new year of learning nearly nothing in boring classes began." "but there were mere days before a new year of learning nothing in classrooms began."
• "Like this girl who was both popular and smart Jamie, and him. Pyco Potare" -> "Like Jamie, a girl who was both popular and smart. And him, Pyco Potare"
• (I forgot to make a copy of the original, so those are minor mockups of what I remember the originals being, but I hope it helps get the point across

Basically, nothing to worry about. Perhaps just read the piece out aloud when finished to check the flow and feel.

Lol thanks kaisdf.  I should read it aloud, but I don't want to distract star farmers.  Especially when it gets to Chapters 10 and on.  There's so much cringe that I would cry a river before finishing a chapter..  TMI btw, we haven't even introduced our antihero yet!

[Person_Random 4,991]

Right now, you don't know, but this story revolves around a certain poam.  It is only four short words, but this sums up a whole lot doing with Chapters 5 to 21.

[TankiNoob2000 231]

Very nice! Waiting for part 4 of my story to get approved

[Lose 881]

niceeee this story is goooood

 

 

better than me

[Person_Random 4,991]

Very nice! Waiting for part 4 of my story to get approved

I can't wait!  I really want to read on despite having too much homework lol.

 

niceeee this story is goooood

 

 

better than me

I'd tell you the secret recipe for this story, but I wouldn't.  It's classified.  However, I guess I'll give you a fair chance. 

[Lose 881]

I can't wait!  I really want to read on despite having too much homework lol.

 

I'd tell you the secret recipe for this story, but I wouldn't.  It's classified.  However, I guess I'll give you a fair chance.

the krabby patty formula :ph34r:

[Person_Random 4,991]

the krabby patty formula :ph34r:

Hmmm... no.  But I did leave you some clues.  However, I think I will be playing a good ol' puzzle later so you can have an opportunity to solve it.  Good luck!

[Lose 881]

is it the log? 

[Person_Random 4,991]

No, but I did leave a small puzzle.  Later, in Chapter 13.5, there will be a large puzzle.  In that one, if you solve it, you will discover something.

[Lose 881]

No, but I did leave a small puzzle.  Later, in Chapter 13.5, there will be a large puzzle.  In that one, if you solve it, you will discover something.

is it like a encrypted message in the story itself?

[Lose 881]

Hint: i was hungry so I made two open faced sandwiches and slapped them together.

is this hinting at romance?

[Lose 881]

Hint: i was hungry so I made two open faced sandwiches and slapped them together.

.

[Person_Random 4,991]

 

Then again, it might have been a hint.

 

 

For breakfast I had an open faced sandwich.  Then I slapped two open faced sandwiches together since i was hungry after lifting weights less than 10 pounds lighter than me.  Then I had some peanut butter, then toast.

 

 

[Viking4s 10,791]

Nice story, well written. Hanen is a strange name.

Can't wait to see what would come next.

[Person_Random 4,991]

Nice story, well written. Hanen is a strange name.

Can't wait to see what would come next.

Lol, 'Hanen' is what I did when I combined two syllables from someone else's name because I needed to get her a name.  Also 'hanen' means boring.