Earth's End - Chapter 1

[SpartanB312 12]

I put on my helmet and got on my bike. I placed all my gear, took a deep breath and started pedaling off to a place far away. As I was pedaling, the earth started shaking. I fell off my bike and wondered why the earth was shaking. I was in the woods so no one else could hear me but I could hear the earth shaking. That's when I realized I must be in earthquake and so decided to forget the bike and run. I had a handgun with me, just in case anyone tried to chase me, so I took that plus as many of my supplies as I could carry. I ended up running and took shelter in a cave.

 

Half past 4 the earthquake stopped. I was sleeping by then so I woke up and rubbed my eyes. I got out of the cave and what I saw was shocking. There was a drop ship deploying zombies, aliens and other wild beasts. I didn't know what to do, but I could see my bike, so I got on it and started pedaling. I had to get back to my house and so I set off for it. I pedalled as fast I could and I eventually arrived at my house. The aliens and zombies were relentless and I was eventually cornered.

 

I ran inside my house and closed the door. I went straight to my gun collection down in my basement and started loading up to fight back against those beasts. I got all the guns I needed and started to make my way back up. I loaded my handgun and started shooting the aliens and zombies. It was almost like I was stuck in some brutal video game. I eventually ran out of ammo and I moved on to all my auto weapons and snipers. I thought I was done, but the enemy drop ship kept on sending endless amounts of these aliens, zombies and tough knights with near unbreakable armor. The only weapon I had was my knife but I had to run. I planted a smoke bomb and ran away. I realized I had a secret underground base and when I came out of my house, I saw that my old helicopter was still in good shape. I started it up and lifted off. I watched my house being torn down by those enemies. I had to get to my base to get back in shape and fight back.

 

I arrived at the base rather quickly and I landed my helicopter. My system thought I was an intruder and my system fired it's defenses on me. I hid somewhere and quickly authorized myself. My defenses shut down and the system greeted me again. I quickly ran down to my armory and collected all the ammo I needed but I had to rest first. I sat down and I was thinking of my next plan. As I was planning what I was doing, I heard a bang from my door. I asked my AI to figure out who it was and my AI said "Sir. It looks as if the aliens followed you all the way here." I quickly grabbed my guns and ammo and found a place to hide. The enemies later broke in and I was nowhere to be found. The captain of the so called "Xenos" is what they called themselves said, "Search for the human." The enemies searched the area and I heard the footsteps of an alien, coming closer and closer.

 

Part 2 coming soon

[kaisdf 3,320]

Article approved.

 

A good intro, finishing with a strong cliffhanger.

 

The story is quite implausible. I can get around aliens/zombies/etc. for fantasy, but why would the protagonist be riding around on a bicycle, if he has a helicopter and two secret underground weapons labs? If he was trying to get away in the first place, why not just use the helicopter?

 

You rely quite heavily on the "I did this. Then I did this. And then I did this" structure, with a certain amount of repetition. "You start pedalling to your house, so you set off to pedal to your house, and after pedalling for a bit, you arrive at your house". It becomes a bit repetitive. Try cutting out excess words, or at the very least find a different synonym or descriptive word for it...

 

Edits:

• You need to add spaces after commas ("this, and this", not "this,and this")
• Several spelling corrections
• Title changed slightly

[Viking4s 10,791]

Very inventive and extraordinary story. 

When you started the story it looked like it was a simple kid, but it happened to be a skilled adult with many resources. Try to keep consistency.

You also reveal too much too quickly, readers prefers when things are more mysterious.

Good luck with your next part

(I already hate the Xenos)  :ph34r:

[Flexoo 6,980]

jeez, great story but what has tanki become???! this is a game not a story writing exam

 

btw are newspaper moderators English teachers in real life? i mean they should be...

Not sure what your points are, to be honest. We provide tankers with a place where they can post their stories or whatever articles they may produce. It does not affect the game in any way and people are free to spend their time and energy on whatever activity they feel like.

 

Also if somebody likes to write or proofreads articles and gives feedback does not mean he must or should be a teacher. That just sounds strange.

[Person_Random 4,991]

jeez, great story but what has tanki become???! this is a game not a story writing exam

 

btw are newspaper moderators English teachers in real life? i mean they should be...

Lol.... if Flexoo was my english teacher...

[Merovingian 656]

Lol.... if Flexoo was my english teacher...

You would play tanki with him during lunch break :D

[Person_Random 4,991]

You would play tanki with him during lunch break :D

Say, I do hang out in an English classroom, that could be possible, but how would we group together?  I am a and he is a Legend.

[Initiate 1,306]

 

Hey, not to criticize or anything, but I'm going to be brutally honest, because if I weren't there'd be no point for this section.

 

I wouldn't call myself an expert in writing, but I believe I can tell two things here. First, you don't write a lot and don't have experience with proper story writing technique. Second, you are not very old, probably below high school. If i am correct, I can move on - but please don't get me wrong. Admirable try, keep doing it.

 

Okay. First, try to be realistic and make your writing sound like you've done it before. For instance, you placed all your gear? What does that mean? Also, you pedaled for a place far away... try to be more specific. Is the writer going for a random ride, a serious run up a mountain? Get down to the itty bitty details, it'll make your writing ten times more enjoyable.

 

Biggest point though, SLOW DOWN. You write it as if you just sat down, started writing, wrote to the end, fixed a couple grammar mistakes, and sent it. I used to do this when I was young and ignorant too, but please, have a plan first. Make your story, including the second part, then expand each point. Make it longer, no one's gonna get bored. I almost stopped reading because it was too fast-paved. Do this, get some education, and you've got a bright future ahead, my lad. Go kill that second part!

[Person_Random 4,991]

Hey, not to criticize or anything, but I'm going to be brutally honest, because if I weren't there'd be no point for this section.

 

I wouldn't call myself an expert in writing, but I believe I can tell two things here. First, you don't write a lot and don't have experience with proper story writing technique. Second, you are not very old, probably below high school. If i am correct, I can move on - but please don't get me wrong. Admirable try, keep doing it.

 

Okay. First, try to be realistic and make your writing sound like you've done it before. For instance, you placed all your gear? What does that mean? Also, you pedaled for a place far away... try to be more specific. Is the writer going for a random ride, a serious run up a mountain? Get down to the itty bitty details, it'll make your writing ten times more enjoyable.

 

Biggest point though, SLOW DOWN. You write it as if you just sat down, started writing, wrote to the end, fixed a couple grammar mistakes, and sent it. I used to do this when I was young and ignorant too, but please, have a plan first. Make your story, including the second part, then expand each point. Make it longer, no one's gonna get bored. I almost stopped reading because it was too fast-paved. Do this, get some education, and you've got a bright future ahead, my lad. Go kill that second part!

That was kinda harsh at some points.  I could work with him on this thingy.

 

To Spartan: But still, he's got a point there, you do need to slow your pace.  I've had several cases of writing too fast.  Then I regretted it.  That doesn't mean you have to be slow all the time.  Fine Ash (a wildfire story I'll publish in fall) and Cremate are two good examples of stories that wrote themselves.  And don't forget Vengeance (final chapter).  Whenever you write, you will always see places where you can better yourself, even many weeks after you've published. Good luck with your writing career!

Edited March 25, 2019 by Person_Random

[Initiate 1,306]

That was kinda harsh at some points.  I could work with him on this thingy.

 

To Spartan: But still, he's got a point there, you do need to slow your pace.  I've had several cases of writing too fast.  Then I regretted it.  That doesn't mean you have to be slow all the time.  Fine Ash (a wildfire story I'll publish in fall) and Cremate are two good examples of stories that wrote themselves.  And don't forget Vengeance (final chapter).  Whenever you write, you will always see places where you can better yourself, even many weeks after you've published. Good luck with your writing career!

Yes, I know. I was not trying to be unkind. It was a pretty good story,I'm just stating bluntly what I think he needs to work on.

[mydoom.exe 5,154]

I'll jump in with a note:

 

This section is largely for fun - do what you like. If you're seriously interested with writing as a hobby, please do allow for constructive criticism like what kaisdf, HBTY, and Person_Random are stating. That can go a long way, and once you really start to not just know, but understand what you're writing, you can even have more fun with what you do. My own critique would be that you have to allow for some variety. With some stories, the reason that they sound much better in the writer's head is because in your head, all the details are already there. It's fully fleshed out. However, when you put an idea to writing, you have to bring those descriptions with you so that the readers can also experience what's in your head. A barebones story is something like a set of directions: you follow it from the beginning to the end, and that's it: You turned right, walked 50 metres, took two lefts, took a right, then another left at the next corner, went dead ahead for a kilometre or two, then got to the final right for your destination. For a story, you want a map that details everything along the way.

 

In addition to this, experiment with wording. What I'm about to say is fairly rudimentary, and there' much more to wording than just this (Metaphors and similes are powerful descriptive tools, for example), but for now, just try this. Some sets of words, even though they all have roughly the same meaning, have different connotations. For example: "anger" vs. "rage". One's more explosive than the other. "Hit" vs. "attacked", "wounded", "smacked", "struck", "whipped", etc. They all, more or less, mean the same thing, but when you read them, they make different mental images, no? "The zombie died" vs. "the zombie exploded". If you're feeling adventurous, you don't even need to state explicitly what happens - get creative with descriptions: "My handgun almost seemed to smirk before directing its murderous rage at the zombie, a smoking hole where its head was just a second ago."

 

---

 

That said, practice makes perfect. Experiment with your stories, pick up a couple of books to see how others like to build their fictional worlds. Don't publish your first draft like I always used to do lol. But even with all the advice you've received in this thread, it goes to naught if nobody cares. Writing is ultimately about passion. People can make outstanding stories yet never actually finish one because they don't have the drive or motivation to do so.

 

 

How interested are you in writing? Very interested, I hope. :)

 

 

 

 

 

jeez, great story but what has tanki become???! this is a game not a story writing exam

 

btw are newspaper moderators English teachers in real life? i mean they should be...

Yeah. How dare the Amateur Writing Section moderators give constructive criticism to the writers to ensure that the stories they make become incrementally better? For shame.

[r_Given6 859]

Yeah. How dare the Amateur Writing Section moderators give constructive criticism to the writers to ensure that the stories they make become incrementally better? For shame.

Sarcasm Level (e^iπ)×(-∞) Edited March 26, 2019 by Given

[Person_Random 4,991]

 

He's Back!

 

 

P.S. I'd love to be an AWS mod.

 

 

Edited March 26, 2019 by Person_Random

[Sacrifice 2,278]

I really loved the article. However, I would like to suggest something! 

 

 

At places it looked as if you were rushing into the story. If the story is meant to be that way, then you can take out a couple of parts and elaborate them. That way it wont look as if you were rushing the story.  :)

For instance, 

"forget the bike and run. I had a handgun with me, just in case anyone tried to chase me, so I took that plus as many of my supplies as I could carry. I ended up running and took shelter in a cave."

 

You could expand it this way: 

I though it wise to leave the bike and run. I had a shotgun... as I could carry. I made my way towards the mountains and kept running for a while until I reached a cave. I crept in to the cave and sought shelter there. I had a moment to relax. It was at that moment that I realized how tired I was. My head felt dizzy and my eye lids were becoming heavier. Soon enough I found myself drifting into sleep. It wasn't probably the best moment to sleep but, what else could have I done with a dizzy head?

 

 

Its just a suggestion. I hope you don't mind. otherwise I found the article interesting. 

Good luck!

Edited July 3, 2019 by Sacrifice