The Battle: Part 1

[TankiNoob2000 231]

My soldiers and I gathered in the base with orders from the captain. I was just a Warrant Officer 5 so it was expected from me to do so. We went in, saluted the captain and listened to what he had to say. He got up from his chair and pulled down a board revealing that nearly all our cities were being taken over by the Hydro soldiers. He revealed the plan that we had reinforcements and supplies up our sleeve and that we were ordered to get everyone out of the city. "Affirmative" I replied and we all went out to the nearest city and told everyone to get out. It proved to be a kick in the face but we managed to get the people out in time. I told my captain that the evacuation was a success. John, who was our captain congratulated me and commanded," Set up the stations. We need all the gunfire we have." I went straight away and told my platoon to build a wall and get lots of machine guns and all the ammunition we need in order to push back the assault. 

 

A master sergeant came to me and told me that he already issued his platoon to get more people out of the cities and I have nodded in agreement. I then saw multiple airplanes carrying the people away and I gave John the current scenario at hand. John ordered me to go back to the base for something while telling me to keep my platoon out on the field. I went in and I saw some other soldiers standing face front so I joined them. John later reached in and gave out badges to us saying we have been promoted. I was promoted to Lieutenant and John awarded me the Colonial Cross for my daring efforts and devotion. We all applauded and I was officially addressed by lieutenant. I received a message from one of my men saying they wanted me out on the field for further instructions on our defense. I went out to tell my platoon their next objective.

 

I came out and I was saluted by my soldiers and I told them their next priority. I issued them to load our airships and tanks and they all went out without question. I asked my captain if I can scout on the enemies to see what they were up to and John approved. I got in my jeep and drove out telling my captain I would be back soon.  I later arrived with binoculars to scout on the enemies. I saw that they were getting their forces ready but I heard something along the lines of: "We will attack soon. Get ready to advance!" I quickly turned around and told John about what they just said and he went on the loudspeaker and told everyone to get ready and he told me of our attack plan.

 

John told me to head up to the roof for sniping due to me being a sharpshooter. I told my platoon to get ready and they were on the machine guns or using their own types of weapons waiting for the Hydros to advance. Their goal was to conquer all of our land, cities and all that kind of stuff. I cocked my M40 sniper rifle and looked into the scope. I got orders from my captain to tell my platoon to move out and I did just that. I was ordered to stay behind and I saw my men depart and I saw two other platoons come with them. The Hydros were advancing and they fired the first shot. We were at war.

 

Part 2 coming soon.

[Flexoo 6,980]

Approved.

 

Edits:

- few grammar fixes - (were should be used with plural nouns instead of was)

- few duplicate words in one sentence have been erased (happens to me too sometimes. I am writing something and repeat an article or some word due to the lack of attention)

 

I definitely advise you to keep up writing and reading. The storytelling definitely needs more work. Here is some advice:

- Don't be afraid to shorten your sentences. What I noticed in your writing pattern is a lot of "and, and, and". It's not that you cannot use "and" in the sentence or write a longer sentence, but sometimes a very short-to-the-point sentence is far better for the storytelling. Try to alternate long and short sentences. Less is sometimes more.

 

- The story just did not have that natural flow to it. It was a lot of "I did this and then I did this and then I've done that". It felt a little bit like someone is reading me his list of chores he had done rather then telling me a story. I personally am not a pro at this genre, but I would definitely advise you to read some of the stories in the section and archive (for example the One-Eyed man series by Hippin, his recent continuation is in the main section right now). There is a lot of different stuff that can inspire you and show you what should be done to make the story good and intriguing for the reader.

 

- And lastly, definitely try to work more on the plot. I think it would appreciate a bit more attention to the details and the chronology. For example, the story tells that the Warrant Officer was sent to retrieve "something". Perhaps try to be more clear and identify what he wanted to get retrieved. It is those details that eventually create the bigger picture. I would also put the Colonial Cross award section for the end of the story. It just felt out of the place that they are in the action and get what I presume is quite a big honor at the very beginning for really undefined circumstances.

[Person_Random 4,991]

Nice story beginning, though I agree with the feedback.  I also wrote something similar in your Slenderman Finale, it's right here for reference.  This will definitely make the storyline flow better.

[r_Given6 859]

Great effort, and adding to the feedback, I feel that you need to focus more on character development. If you wanted to convey that you were a sharpshooter, write that at the beginning instead of "I did this because I was a sharpshooter".

Also, you need to make the audience experience the emotions. So if you're being promoted for bravery, write that after you mentioned having done something brave. The timing of it right at the start of the battle felt odd.

Overall, nice article, a great improvement from previous ones. Good luck with future articles.

[Jason_Skywalker_XT 1]

Approved.

 

Edits:

- few grammar fixes - (were should be used with plural nouns instead of was)

- few duplicate words in one sentence have been erased (happens to me too sometimes. I am writing something and repeat an article or some word due to the lack of attention)

 

I definitely advise you to keep up writing and reading. The storytelling definitely needs more work. Here is some advice:

- Don't be afraid to shorten your sentences. What I noticed in your writing pattern is a lot of "and, and, and". It's not that you cannot use "and" in the sentence or write a longer sentence, but sometimes a very short-to-the-point sentence is far better for the storytelling. Try to alternate long and short sentences. Less is sometimes more.

 

- The story just did not have that natural flow to it. It was a lot of "I did this and then I did this and then I've done that". It felt a little bit like someone is reading me his list of chores he had done rather then telling me a story. I personally am not a pro at this genre, but I would definitely advise you to read some of the stories in the section and archive (for example the One-Eyed man series by Hippin, his recent continuation is in the main section right now). There is a lot of different stuff that can inspire you and show you what should be done to make the story good and intriguing for the reader.

 

- And lastly, definitely try to work more on the plot. I think it would appreciate a bit more attention to the details and the chronology. For example, the story tells that the Warrant Officer was sent to retrieve "something". Perhaps try to be more clear and identify what he wanted to get retrieved. It is those details that eventually create the bigger picture. I would also put the Colonial Cross award section for the end of the story. It just felt out of the place that they are in the action and get what I presume is quite a big honor at the very beginning for really undefined circumstances.

Yay we now got a Tanki English teacher who checks our grammar without paying for Grammarly.

[Person_Random 4,991]

Yay we now got a Tanki English teacher who checks our grammar without paying for Grammarly.

Grammarly is free.