The Long-Awaited Guide to Procrastination

[Blackdrakon30 2,943]

Hey, what's up people. I'm not doing any formatting because I'm pretty tired and jet lagged from a two-week trip, and might give the impression that I'm potentially returning. I'll stick to being a myth and part of the history of this place, thank you all very much. But anyways, I used to constantly joke about making a guide to procrastination... and so uh, years later, I now feel a little bit guilty about never getting around to it. Hopefully a moderator can make this look a little nicer (or just leave it in the raw form for the lols). 

 

Anyways, here you all go - the long-awaited guide to procrastination, by Anima, aka Blackdrakon30.

 

 

Procrastination

 

Part 1: Preparation

 

If you want to procrastinate, you first need to prepare your environment. Make sure that you have at least the four fundamental distractions - snacks, a computer, a smartphone, and headphones. Here's a quick run-through of the reasoning behind these four items.

 

* Snacks are benign when alone, or when with homework/work, but can quickly become crippling and a powerful aid to your procrastination. Take popcorn for example - if you're eating it with one hand, you can no longer type with both hands for fear of getting your keyboard greasy. Think of it as a way to tie one arm behind your back and handicap your own working abilities - it's easier to procrastinate when you feel like you aren't physically able to do the work. Now of course, you MUST make sure that you're trying to snack while doing something that requires TWO HANDS. If it only requires one hand, snacks no longer work as an excuse, and won't slow you down as thoroughly.

 

* Make sure you have a computer. A computer is a tool - it can be used for fun things, like throwing around and denting walls, or for not-fun things, like working in a safe and mature manner. Therefore, make sure that you have at least ten tabs open, and websites that have infinite play potential - take YouTube for example! Their recommended videos feed after every video provides an excellent way to continue the enjoyment of procrastination, and ensure that you won't ever get around to that dreadful work.

 

* A smartphone is literally just a small computer. Double the computer, double the fun - and double the procrastination! This one is one-handed and doesn't have as much sticking with the snacking style of procrastination, but the phone-based entertainment provides more variety.

 

* Headphones work as a pretty solid accessory to the computer and phone. It ensures that you can watch videos while saying that you're actually listening to music while working. They also make sure that if you're being called to do something, you can just say you couldn't hear them and hope the chore blows over.

 

With these four basic items, your standard procrastination build is all set to go. It can be customized in many different ways to be tailored to personal needs, but these four are great ways to start off your career as a chronic procrastinator. Several items that might be worth looking into as well include: water (to hide from people for longer), chargers (to keep the fun going), other personal distraction items (books, toys, art utensils, etc), and a bed (to "accidentally" fall asleep in). Tailor your procrastination environment to what you're personally tempted by - set yourself up for successful time-wasting.

 

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Part 2: Mentality

 

Once you set up your environment, you have to make sure you're in the correct mental state. You should want to get the work done, but not want to have to actually do the work. It's a careful balance, yes, but is made much easier by providing proper distractions and only glancing at your work. When you only take a quick look at work, it starts to seem much more intimidating that it in fact is. If you can convince yourself that it's hard work that will take large amounts of time, then it becomes all the more easy to successfully procrastinate. You also don't want too little motivation, because in that case you don't even WANT to get it done in the first place, and end up lazing around instead. To procrastinate, you need a balance between INTENT to get the work done, and ALTERNATIVES along the way to prevent you from fulfilling the work. In the end, it's a personal choice to procrastinate. If you have enough to do, try making as long a to-do list as possible, for maximum possible intimidation.

 

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Part 3: Dealing with the Aftermath

 

You can't deal with the aftermath.

 

I'm kidding - you just mostly can't deal with it.  You'll feel really guilty as you stare at the clock wonder why it says 2:00 AM on it, when it's clearly not that late at night. You'll wonder why in the world you did this to yourself, and vow to never do it again. You'll resolve to be dedicated and hard working. You'll do the very same exact procrastination the next day, and beyond that as well. Once a chronic procrastinator, almost always a chronic procrastinator.

 

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Real talk for a moment though - procrastination is a tough enemy, and one that requires a lot of introspection to resolve. Sometimes there's emotion-based reasons or fears behind the behavior, like perfectionism. So if you struggle with procrastination, first of all, welcome to the club, and second of all, I recommend that you play to your strengths while you work to resolve it. If you aren't going to work, then don't stay up late - just go to bed, because you weren't going to get anything done anyways. If you are only going to do some homework, then at least just get done the stuff that you enjoy and can make it through. Watch your physical health above all else, and bite off what you can manage. 

 

 

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I'm a champion procrastinator, and you all can sleep easy knowing that as bad a procrastinator you might be, I'm up there with the professionals myself - just look at this article, and how long I waited to finally write it. So you're not alone with struggles - hope this guide on how to procrastinate properly was enlightening, and I hope that it will serve as guidance for younger generations of procrastinators. Thank you all. Let the legacy continue.  :ph34r:

 

 

[kaisdf 3,320]

Article approved.

 

Zomg, a wild animult appears? With his prophesied guide to procrastination no less? Waw. I remember you telling me about this ~18 months ago, saying it had already been on your to-do list for 18 months. Much procrastination.

 

As for the content, as a master procrastinator myself (approving this at 2:55, even worse than the 2 am you describe), I can definitely describe this as accurate. Tied to a great comedic style, this comes across as a great piece overall, if perhaps a little short.

 

"Procrastination lets you do thirty minutes of work in eight hours and eight hours of work in thirty minutes". For more on what procrastination actually is, I recommend a rather fantastic TED talk from a few years ago by Tim Urban:

My tactic to beat procrastination is to just find somewhere without wifi and only take the essentials - essay to write? Load up some pages you'll need, leave your phone behind, and take your laptop outside. Or just wait for the panic monster.

 

Edits:

• I decided to strike a balance between full formatting and none with a minimalistic touch, adding some colour here and there.
• A few slight wording changes, e.g. "the reasons behind these choices" -> "the reasoning behind these choices"
• Removed a double spacing
• Very accurate overall, good job mult ex-reporter!

[r_Given6 859]

Nice

[Pyre 3,485]

Thank you, good sir! Many were the nights I lay sleepless, trying to figure out a way not to do anything useful. You are my savior.

[Benefactor 6,888]

I was going to give a Like, but I think I'll just do that tomorrow.

[C.O.N.Q.U.E.R.O.R 3,845]

I like how the fact that you just wrote this guide is a perfect example of procrastination... Irony

[Sacrifice 2,278]

One must themselves act upon what they preach. I am glad to see that the write of the article procrastinated for months and then brought us with this marvelous piece :)

[Person_Random 4,991]

As you may not know, I do critic a lot of articles, but for this one, maybe I'll wait a year or two.

 

This is also because one of my hands is stuck to the mouse while I decided to eat a jelly sandwich while reading to procrastinate studying vocab.

[Viking4s 10,791]

I was going to post a comment after reading it, but I wanted to put your learning into practice.

It is working very well.

[ILiveOnTheChatBox123 936]

Great humor. Are you coming out with more or will you procrastinate?

[jelly_beans 35]

This is such an ammusing/informative topic! :) :P!

[Initiate 1,306]

As for the content, as a master procrastinator myself (approving this at 2:55, even worse than the 2 am you describe)

Join the 6:00 AM club, please.

[Merovingian 656]

I finally beat it! No more procrastination syndrome for me.