The End of a Rivalry

[TankiNoob2000 231]

Narco got up from the bench with a growling stomach and knowing that food was the priority. He brushed off the dust on his shirt and shorts that he got from an earlier incident. Setting out, he began to walk to the nearest restaurant for a quick bite. 

He got off from his bench and got to the restaurant after a good walk. He ordered his food to-go and waited but while he was waiting, he saw a man with a sinister smile signaling him to come over. Narco blinked and within a quick second, the man was gone. Narco thought to himself, “Am I seeing things?” The man was about the same height as Narco, plus had a grey hoodie along with sweatpants from what he saw. His order was eventually called, so he took the bag of food and went out.

 

Narco sat down on the bench he sat at before and ate.  While he was eating, a plant fell from the 7th floor of the tall building, but Narco knowing this wasn’t important, chose to ignore it. After he was done, he sat up and went for a walk. While he was walking, he saw the same man back at the restaurant with a baseball and a baseball glove. He kept following Narco and eventually Narco had enough.

“Why are you following me?!” Narco shouted in an infuriated tone.

“You don’t remember me Narco?” the man replied walking forward.

“How do you know who I am?” Narco asked in shock.

“Because I am Rhodes. I’ve been watching you since the last time you tried to kill me.” Rhodes replied while removing his hood.

“I’ve nearly killed you once! I will kill you for good! Fight me now!” Narco demanded getting ready to fight

“I never forgot that tone of yours. But I don’t have the time right now. Let me in!” Rhodes shouted!

“At noon! In my arena!” Narco commanded with clenched fists.

 

It was noon and Rhodes met Narco in the enclosed building. The lights were on. Narco got out his sword and got himself ready for battle. Rhodes however just stood there laughing at Narco.

“Fight to the death! Let me in!” demanded a laughing Rhodes.

Narco charged at Rhodes at unbelievable speeds. He slashed Rhodes, but to no avail. He slashed Rhodes’ face only for Rhodes to knock his sword out of his hand. He picked up Narco’s sword and shattered it with very little effort.

“What! How could this be?” cried Narco.

“I’ve changed. You have too. Let me in,” replied Rhodes and in one punch knocked Narco to the other side of the enclosed building. The punch was also strong enough to knock out Narco’s super speed.

“You see. We’ve both gotten stronger! Remember you tried to kill me once? I’ve watched your every move since then. Your moves with the sword, your strength,speed and everything. When I say everything I mean EVERYTHING!” Rhodes warned.

 

Narco roared and took apart part of the arena and threw it at Rhodes. Rhodes absorbed the debris and out came Narco charging at Rhodes, starting to punish him with strikes. It was as if Narco had the advantage until Rhodes used his fists.

“As my idol Bane once said: Stop hitting yourself!” Rhodes told Narco as he used Narco’s own fist to punch him in the face. 

Rhodes knocked Narco to another side of the arena which was now damaged with debris. Rhodes cornered Narco and started to punish him.  He grabbed a support beam of the enclosed building and attempted to strike down Narco to end him. Narco dodged the beam and grabbed another part of the arena and lobbed it at Rhodes. Rhodes however caught the debris coming towards him and threw it back at Narco. Narco threw a smoke bomb to dodge the debris and blended in with the environment around him.  Narco executed a sneak attack and ambushed Rhodes. Narco executed his own combo until Rhodes ran backwards and did a superman punch on Narco.

 

“COMBO BREAKER!” exclaimed Rhodes as he broke out of  Narco’s combo.

Narco wasted no time taking Rhodes to the ground and continued to punish him with hammer fists. Rhodes unleashed a headbutt to escape, and then the tables turned in Rhodes’ favor. Rhodes then removed his gloves and attacked Narco’s face with his bare knuckles attempting to bust him open. His plan was successful as Narco’s forehead was bleeding. Exhausted, Narco threw a smoke bomb to escape in the darkness of the enclosed building.

“Bane once said:You think darkness is your ally, you merely adopted the dark. I was born in it, molded by it. I didn’t see the light until I was already a man but then it was nothing to me but blinding! Let me in!” Unbeknownst to Rhodes, Narco found a sword while he was hiding and executed another ambush attack with the sword he found and delivered what looked to be a fatal blow to Rhodes’ chest.

 

“YOU’RE DONE! IT’S OVER!” Narco shouted as he put his sword through Rhodes’ chest. 

“You’ve got the whole wide world in your hands,” mumbled Rhodes as he was falling to the ground.

Assuming he killed Rhodes, Narco collapsed to the ground in exhaustion after defeating his nemesis. After collapsing to the ground, Narco got up and started to walk away. Unbeknownst to Narco, Rhodes had an advanced healing factor and retractable claws. Rhodes pulled the sword out of his chest and popped out his claws. He then ran up to Narco and stabbed him in his chest. 

“Looks I forgot to tell you something Narco. Unlike you, I can heal very fast! Oh and one more thing, you should have let me in! ” Rhodes whispered as he removed his claws from Narco’s chest.

After killing Narco, Rhodes stared at his lifeless enemy and ripped off his head from his body. With Narco’s head in his hand, Rhodes made that same sinister laugh and walked off, taking Narco’s head as his personal trophy.

 

P.S I put Narco instead of Marco on purpose

 

Edited November 29, 2019 by Flexoo

[Flexoo 6,980]

Approved.

 

Edits:

- lots of commas added, some grammar edits done here and there,

- cut the text into paragraphs so it's easier to follow.

 

To be perfectly honest with you, I think you still have a lot in front of you when it comes to improving the writing. Your story feels very topsy-turvy, some passages are way too random and do not follow or fit in the plot. The Batman references and the ending that really feels like from X-Men series are too overused, and the plot is also, no offense, nonsensical like throwing support beams, smoke bombs out of nowhere, crashing the arena to throw debris, etc. A lot could have been improved by working on more background to the plot and attention to the details.

[r_Given6 859]

Don't want to be harsh, but did this story really have a story?

[ILiveOnTheChatBox123 936]

17 hours ago, Given said:

Don't want to be harsh, but did this story really have a story?

I agree.

I think this could have been a superb climax to a whole plot involving these two men, and the rules of this fight of smoke bombs and healing become clear. There is definitely room for improvement. 

[Person_Random 4,991]

I see not the plot, might need a little work here and there to make the plot apparent.  It sounds more like a TV show transcript than a story, in my opinion, as all the action is scattered here and there, random parts are incorporated, but there's no 'glue' to hold all of it together.  The dialogue could certainly be improved.  Instead of having 'ping-pong' dialogue back and forth between your two characters, try to add in some action (it's an action story, so an action break makes for some good opportunities to push forward the plot with the dialogue progression.  As Flexoo noted, you probably would want to put in some more effort before sending this story in.

 

If you would like, I am free to proofread your work from time to time to help you clarify parts that readers were not able to understand.

[Viking4s 10,791]

15 hours ago, Person_Random said:

I see not the plot, might need a little work here and there to make the plot apparent.  It sounds more like a TV show transcript than a story, in my opinion, as all the action is scattered here and there, random parts are incorporated, but there's no 'glue' to hold all of it together.  As Flexoo noted, you probably would want to put in some more effort before sending this story in.

owo There is plot (but it is more about fighting)! And a moral: You cannot eat a lunch in peace if you still have enemy alive.
I see a potentially great movie scene here, imagine it happening in slow motion: "a plant fell from the 7th floor of the tall building, but Narco knowing this wasn’t important".

It would be a more memorable scene than The Untouchables's "Stairway Shootout" at the Central station with the falling cradle.

Edited December 3, 2019 by Viking4s