Trials of Heaven - Sorrow in Heaven

[natrolite 1,049]

You were sound asleep as you feel a pleasant breeze brushing against your skin. You slowly open your eyes as you find yourself in a green, open field in the late afternoon sheltered by a clear, starry sky. You don't know how you got there, but you don't want to leave. You feel relieved here as if all the pain that weighed on your shoulders has been lifted, and you were reborn.

You see the green fields on the left and the green fields on the right. A fading rainbow in the distance and the rosy fields under the rainbow late in the rainy season. To the front of you stands a lonely tree that rests upon a lonesome hill. Under the tree, blossomed flowers with colors for the eye to behold, from white and pink daisies to crimson roses. And right in the middle, next to the tree trunk, sat the most beautiful flower of them all. Her skin was as clear as ice and her eyes glimmered blue, that of a cloudless summer sky. Her hair shone yellow as that of the sun and she wore a silk white robe with golden embroidery, which complemented her velvet hair. 

Each glance at her felt rewarding. You start to walk towards her as every fiber in your body keeps telling you to do so. You felt as if you could cross oceans and climb rigorous mountains should she demand it. As you start to walk up the hill, your legs begin to cry out as you become more and more weary with each step you take. 

"This isn't even a steep hill, and I just woke up from resting. How come?" You think to yourself. 

By the time you reach the top of the hill, you're beaten down by fatigue, all sweaty and on your knees desperate for a breath of air. 

"Congratulations, not many make it this far". She uttered with an ever-so-soft voice that nearly washed away all your unrest, or at least made you forget about it. 

Her divine beauty rendered you speechless as you battled your brain to form a single "Hello", but eventually failing to do so. 

"If you don't mind. How about we go take a walk?" She asked, her tone seemed a little rougher than before, albeit still treacly to hear.

And so, the two of you begin to walk down the hill. You start to perceive the distinct oddness of your situation as you wonder "Who is this woman? Where am I? How did I get here?"

"Say, Nathan. Do you like it here?" She asks. 

"You know my name? Who are you?" you reply. 

"I will answer all your questions once we reach the valley. But for now, humor me as we walk".

"The valley? What are you talking about?" you answer with a troubled tone. And right then, you notice a scar on her neck. 

"Yes, the valley. You'll know when we get there. For now, mind answering my question?" She says as she put out a gentle smile. 

"Fine, I suppose I do like this place. It doesn't hurt in here". You respond. 

And you walk, as the sun sets in the distance, you see the mountains with rivers running through them as if they were veins, running and feeding the mountainside with life. You see the roofs of the little abandoned towns at the bottom of the mountain, and the hillsides yellow with wild oats. And then you say "This is it, this is the valley". And she says "Just a little farther".

And you go on, and you hear the quail calling out in the mountain behind you, the crescent moon slowly rising above you and bats hovering around a palm tree by the springs of the river. Stars begin to emblazon the clear skies up above, and you say "Let's stop here, this is it". And she says "A little farther yet".

As the sun begins to dawn on the horizon, you stop and say "Can we rest here? I'm a little worn out". She turns around to you, looking faint, pale with dark circles underneath her comely blue eyes. And she says, "Drink this water of the spring, rest here a while. We have a long way yet to go, and I can't go on without you". After hearing that, you quickly fell asleep as you were exhausted from the trip thus far.

You woke up hours later to the songs of robins, leaves dancing in the wind and squirrels going nuts for nuts. 

"Morning! Have you slept well?" You hear to the right of you. You turn around to find her sitting near the spring, with her bare feet in the river. You approach her as you find her silky white robe has been torn from its lower end, exposing a birthmark on her knees. 

"Are you okay? Why is your robe torn? Haven't you slept?" You ask out of concern. 

"I'm fine. My robe just got stuck in a log while I was wandering around earlier". She says, with the same gentle smile she's always had. 

You sigh and say "You should be careful next time. Luckily you didn't get cut. Also, we've been walking together for over a day, and I still don't know your name, why I'm here, or anything about where we're headed".

"I told you, didn't I? You will have all your answers once we reach the valley". At this point, you become a little flustered, but you agree to keep moving.

The two of you press on. The snowy mountain, the gorgeous hillsides, and the clear springs begin to fade on the horizon behind you as you start to enter grasslands that extend as far as the eye can see. The skies are partly cloudy and there's hardly any beauty to go around. Unlike the more picturesque landscape, you roamed previously. You look towards your companion and notice grey stripes of hair lurking between the yellow velvet hair strolling down her head. You've been noticing her slowly looking more and more iller the further you walk. You want to ask her about it but you know she'll still respond with the same response she gave to all your previous questions.

She suddenly says, "So, how about you tell me about your old life? Did you have any regrets? Did you reach your goals? Marry the one you wanted?" 

"Woah, where did this come from," you think to your self. "Well, I regret many things. I never asked out the girl I want, because I was too afraid of rejection. I didn't get the chance to say farewell to my mother before she passed away. I preferred staying at home rather than going out with mates, family and my children. But in the end, I think I lived a good life".

You stop walking. You grasp a deep breath of air as you think to yourself "Wait, where the heck did that come from. Lived? I'm still alive! Why am I talking as if I died? And why am I telling these private secrets to this person?!" 

She turns around, you see wrinkles beneath her eyes and on her forehead as she says with her dry lips "That's very unfortunate. Don't you think? You'll never be able to re-do these things the right way. You can only feel sorry for yourself as you recall these occurrences in a self-defeating hindsight perspective". 

Disgruntled, you say "You're being a little bit too audacious with how you speak to me. Are you aware of that? I picked my own paths in life and you're in no position to tell me I was wrong". 

She yet again puts on a kind smile as she says "Perhaps if you acknowledge these obscure worldly sorrows, you could attain wisdom that would maybe facilitate your future endeavors, no?" 

"Whatever. Let's just reach our destination so I could catch a ride home or something". You said with a clearly annoyed tone.

The grasslands you once walked have turned into a paved road surrounded by a lifeless scorching desert. A buzzard soaring in the empty sky, looking for prey as crows observe from a distance, hoping for some leftovers. At the end of the road, you notice a concrete jungle of which the road tears through its middle. As you get nearer and nearer you start to notice familiar sights. The Subway where you used to grab lunch on your way to work. The grocery store at which you frequently used to buy cigarettes from. The more sights you see the more you recognize until you finally snap and shout out loud "Is this my city block?!"

"Took you a while to realize" She muttered. 

"Why are we here?! Did you know this was our destination?" You question, loudly.

"Of course I did. It's my mission to guide you here." She replied.

As soon as you're done looking around, you turn around to her and notice her back is bent over, like that of an elderly person. Her hair gray as a cloudy sky and her skin stretched and wrinkly. She's not the resonant beauty she was when you first saw her. 

"W-What happened to you?" You say, barely getting the words out. 

"Oh, well. Life". She says, putting on her usual kind smile. 

"Life doesn't make you age 40 years in less than two days". You say in disbelief. 

"Doesn't it? Do you only define aging by physical appearance? Didn't you become the man of your family after your mother passed away? You took care of your little sisters and brother as if you were their father". 

"How do you know that?" You ask.

"Oh, let's just pretend I know everything about you. Come on then, we have a lot more to see".

"Who are you?" You ask.

"All your questions will be answered in due time, come along now".

"I said who are you". You insist. You're not shy to be rude with her since she's not the ravishing flower you met before. 

"Calm down, Nathan. There is no reason for you to get uppity". 

Angered, you say "I'm not moving one foot before I get answers".

"Oh, I see". This is the first time she doesn't wear her mellow smile, and it made you worrisome. 

She stares at you with a fearsome face, and after a few brief moments of silence, she introduces herself:

"I am the melancholy that precedes the righteous dawn. I am that which commands ego and kneels before retribution. I am the darkness that exists at the bottommost depth of a bottomless pit. I laugh at Glee and fret over the Dream. I am which you desperately flee from but always end up in its claws. I am the fifth trial of Heaven and the Gatekeeper of The Gate of Sorrow. I am Sorrow." 

You shiver, tremble and fright as you take a step back. "What in the blazes are you talking about?" you say with a shaky voice. 

"When humans are happy, they stray far from God, yet when they are trapped in the sea of suffering, they seek God or spirituality and look for help and hope for divine intervention. It's funny, isn't it? No one really realizes that for there to be Happiness, Sorrow must follow suit. Just like for there to be day, night must always befall.

"That's not one bit funny. Everything would be okay if there was no crime, natural disasters, wars, hate, long queues at Starbucks and sorrow. Life would be so perfect. Just think about it! It's meaningless and if there was an Omnipotent God, he should perhaps re-think his design flaws". You say, as your voice shakes and anxiety takes over. 

"Life always starts out beautiful. And to keep that beauty in perspective, one must learn what being in pain, losing someone, being unloved and unwanted, etc.. feels like. If one is unable to acknowledge Sorrow, then they will not be able to attain the wisdom to comprehend Heaven's value". She asserts. "Our journey should've taught you this. You did not appreciate the beauty of the mountains and the hillsides until you walked the scorching desert. You did not cherish my impermanent grace until you witnessed me get old and wrinkly. For there to be happiness, there must be suffering. You cannot wonder at the glamour of the stars in the sky without acknowledging the night that surrounds them. Do you understand now?"

You take a minute to grasp what she said.

"No". You said underneath your breath. 

"What was that?" She asked. 

"NO! That's just stupid! No hostage grows to love their kidnapper. Don't give me that "Misery gives Happiness meaning" crap! It's madness! Happiness is meaning itself. People don't make other peoples' lives miserable to make them appreciate life and its fruits better, they make their lives miserable because they are just awful. Nothing more. 

No parent would ever pray their child to grow a wrinkly skin, weaken their bones, dim their vision and cripple them in a hundred ways to give their life meaning." 

Silence grows as tension builds and after a few moments, she speaks. "By divine decree, those who are not wise and cannot attain wisdom shall not enter The Sacred City. I, Sorrow, the Fifth Gatekeeper of Heaven and holder of the key of Sorrow, hereby condemn you to descend to perdition, never to rise again".

As she finished saying that, five red-hot chains burst from the concrete ground and latched onto your arms, feet, and head. You screamed for help as you looked over to watch her weeping face as she watched without moving a muscle. "HELP ME! PLEASE!" You shouted out the top of your lungs, but she didn't reply. Then, the chains started pulling down as your terror reaches its peak and leaves you with no words and nothing but a terrified look on your face as you anticipate your impending doom.

The deeper the chains drag you, the more distant the surface light appears until it's reduced to a mere constellate of light rays you will miss for eternity. Your consciousness starts to fade the deeper you go as the air begins to thicken. Your last thought before fainting, "I'm sorry".

 

****

You wake up and your entire body feels sore from sleeping on bedrock. You can hear distant screaming, everything is putting you at unease. A dark figure approaches you from your side and speaks out: "I hope you enjoyed your sleep. You won't be getting any in quite some time, Nathan". 

[Person_Random 4,991]

Approved.

When you wrote that you were going to extend your first story, I was already excited, but when I read it, I was blown away. Great work, keep it up in future pieces. By the way, the second person POV is still quite new to me, so it'll take some time to get adjusted to that, but I think it really fits your story.

 

Edits:

 

 

 

 

Spoiler

• Added a few commas.
• Minor phrasing changes.

 

[natrolite 1,049]

2 minutes ago, Person_Random said:

When you wrote that you were going to extend your first story, I was already excited, but when I read it, I was blown away. Great work, keep it up in future pieces. By the way, the second person POV is still quite new to me, so it'll take some time to get adjusted to that, but I think it really fits your story.

 

Thank you! I'm really glad you like it. As for the second person POV I'm having a lot of mixed emotions about it but it helps narrating and as a beginner, I'mma take all the help I can get 

 

For those of you who aren't aware, this is part two of the story. It's a sequel to Regret in Heaven which was already released. I hope everyone enjoys :3

 

PS: I gladly take constructive criticism. So if you find flaws I'd be happy to hear them and improve my writing. Thank you!

[Person_Random 4,991]

2 minutes ago, classic-style-hiphop said:

Thank you! I'm really glad you like it. As for the second person POV I'm having a lot of mixed emotions about it but it helps narrating and as a beginner, I'mma take all the help I can get 

 

For those of you who aren't aware, this is part two of the story. It's a sequel to Regret in Heaven which was already released. I hope everyone enjoys :3

 

PS: I gladly take constructive criticism. So if you find flaws I'd be happy to hear them and improve my writing. Thank you!

You're welcome! Second person is kind of new to me too (after being banned from using second person in classes I haven't had much experience), so I'm also trying to get the hang of it. We're in the same boat for this one mate. About constructive criticism, I'll be getting that done tomorrow, I'll update it in just a moment.  (a little lazy rn hehe)

[r_Given6 859]

I love everything about this series. The way it doesn't preach lessons of life but instead hands it out for you to grasp, and how Nathan has been shown to have natural flaws. It won't be wrong to say that in just two works of beautiful art, you have risen to the level of writing as Hippin_in_Hawaii. 

But I never expected Nathan to fail the gate of sorrow, though. I hope the series didn't just end with Nathan going to hell.

[natrolite 1,049]

11 hours ago, Given said:

I love everything about this series. The way it doesn't preach lessons of life but instead hands it out for you to grasp, and how Nathan has been shown to have natural flaws. It won't be wrong to say that in just two works of beautiful art, you have risen to the level of writing as Hippin_in_Hawaii. 

But I never expected Nathan to fail the gate of sorrow, though. I hope the series didn't just end with Nathan going to hell.

I'm very glad that you like it  

While I'm not personally familiar with Hippin_in_Hawaii, from your description I can tell he's the type of writer I can only aspire to be like. I'm still very new to this whole thing and while I appreciate the comparison I can hardly spot similarities

As for the story, writing the next part is going to prove a lot more challenging since I first have to write a convincing script that to some extent depicts Hell without crossing over to the gore/extreme violence genre, and second I'm gonna have to come up with a satisfying conclusion (?) to this mini-series. 

 

Anyhow, I'll try my best and I hope you've all enjoyed this series so far 

[Person_Random 4,991]

@classic-style-hiphop Heyo, I have some feedback for you after a few good hours of procrastination and curing minor sadness. I hope it will be helpful.

I feel like your sentence structure is pretty good and descriptive, and I guess all I really have to say is maybe add a few more descriptions in the sentence. However, I'm thinking you can switch up the sentence starts because I see a few chunks of sentences starting with "you". Maybe try to vary it once in a while?

I also think that the dialogue can be improved as it feels ping-pong, back and forth. Perhaps add some descriptions in the middle or replace the dialogue. For example, replacing 'yes' wth a nodding of the head would cut the dialogue wall with a description, which helps further set the scene.

 

Might add more if I have more time to analyze it deeper, I'll keep you posted. Hopefully, you'll be able to implement some changes to get you to that Hippin_in_Hawaii level

[r_Given6 859]

9 hours ago, classic-style-hiphop said:

While I'm not personally familiar with Hippin_in_Hawaii, from your description I can tell he's the type of writer I can only aspire to be like. I'm still very new to this whole thing and while I appreciate the comparison I can hardly spot similarities

The similarity is what I call "textual fluidity". There's plain text, with just straight descriptions and dialogues; then there's text written so beautifully and with rich language, that it's difficult to grasp as a first read.

There's a perfect balance between the two for each genre and section of the story. That's what I found similar between you and Hippin_in_Hawaii. (I wish I could find that in my writings too cri cri). He wrote many great series (of which all are worth reading) because he knew absolutely when there was a need for a complicated and creative description, and when for straight-out dialogue and storyline. Molly's and the One-eyed man series is a perfect example of this. 

Don't mind me, Person_Random, but I think that the ping-pong dialogue actually suits the second person narrative. I would like to see more of this uniqueness rather than text walls that beautifully illustrate dialogue and descriptions but can hardly be understood by a doofus like me. -_-

[Sacrifice 2,278]

Topic name changed on request.