Oh Jesus Make It Stop

[Caress 17]

Hi! My name's Emma and I'm 19 years old. I wrote this short story when I was 15 for my school contest, "45 minute creative writing challenge" and thought I would share it here. Let me know what u think

 

Oh Jesus Make It Stop

 

London 

Grey ominous clouds overrun the sky, tainting it like an infection that just can't be rid of: controlling - holding - like a leech: sucking the blood from a body. Darkness rules - the sunlight's freedom and joy are shackled like bars of entrapment imprisoning the sky. Threads of golden rays slowly glimmer through the broken clouds bringing fragments of hope. Storm clouds unite in retaliation. The raining bullets seem to punish and strike the ground with a terrifying force, like a bayonet piercing the flesh and bones of a soldier. Sudden illumination battles with darkness; bolts of light seize the clouds. These are not rays of hope, but rays of oppression, wounding the ground, stripping away the concrete surface revealing the purity of the Earth.

 

Standing tall and proud, at the mercy of the elements, is the alabaster columns of the metropolis. The hierarchy of wealth reveals each building, epitomizing their status, power and wealth. Tall column towers are like the sentinels guarding the cosmopolitan city, a monumental presence egotistically fronting the Thames. Beneath their mammoth feet is the repetitive hubbub of horns that cascade through the city. Enveloping - suffocating: filling your cochlea with white noise. This is a place where one can get lost in translation: humanity, individuality and personality become as one. Corruption rules like a totalitarian state. London... chained by poverty and crime.

 

This is where my story begins

 

The DKE, Delta Kappa Epsilon, the toughest borough of London: polluted with the scent of anguish, and relentlessness of apprehension kills the soul inside. Sinister gangs lurk around every corner - waiting... waiting... waiting - like looks stalking their prey until the moment is right to strike. No brightness enters the neighborhood - only guns, knives and weapons. They are used to stab the fear into the innocence of life. Evil is inflicted on them, holding their opportunities down like handcuffs tied to their hands. The Illoquid (Council Estates) were poverty-stricken - not even the CAPE's (Charlie Alpha Police Enforcers) would enter the area: and they were the State Police, 'supposedly' the toughest, most ruthless Officer Unit anyone could encounter. The Illoquid could only be found in this small cramped Borough of five miles², they were grim and sombre, an overcast of shadows could be found at their feet. Gangs rule parts of the Borough: what goes in, what comes out, what stays here, drugs, guns, food, cars, the whole shebang. Nothing ever leaves the watchful eye of Big Brother - the most superior Gang of all. There would always be a fight between Big Brother and Little Brother, another Gang fighting for control, but for the right reasons. Little Brother wanted to implement a structure in the DKE, giving an importance of Education and freedom. 

 

The only way to do that was to kill.

 

So now, I sit in a dark cell - nowhere to escape my situation of loneliness. The shadows bring no hope: only fear. It grasps me, no escape from Hell, only pain is what I must endure. The DKE is like a prison of despair, survival of the fittest is imperative, the only rule one must abide to survive. The voices scream inside my head and body, telling me I'm nothing... nothing... nothing. 

 

I rock continuously on Grandmother's rocking chair, looking at the dark red liquid stained shirt. It clutches on for dear life. I smoke my Havana 58' Cigar, pretending as if it were a Cohito. Grandmother would always complain to me, "You're killing yourself and it's going to catch up with you one day, mark my words". Yeah, thank God you didn't see what the DKE has become. I swig Glenmorgan Scotch Whiskey, the rarest of its kind. I watch outside, I never leave the window sill. I make sure I know who enters the building and who goes out.

[Person_Random 4,991]

Approved.

Great story! I'm impressed by the work; it was creative and suspenseful, probably better than something I would've cranked out at the same age. However, I think the ending could be a bit better developed as it seems a bit cut short or needing something more dramatic. I feel that two or three more paragraphs and a more shocking ending would have made the story even better than it already is. You've got most of the grammar down - I only had to make a few minor changes. Keep up the good work!

By the way, welcome to the AWS!

Edits:

Spoiler

• A few grammar fixes
• Spelling changes to "Illoquoid"
• Phrasing change

 

[Caress 17]

Thanks! It was the original copy and didn't want to change anything about it. Glad u enjoyed it tho ^-^

[Lose 881]

Nice piece,  really enjoyed, and welcome to the AWS.

[CaptainKiller 67]

37 minutes ago, TSY_the_crazy said:

Nice piece

the title is misleading

Mis-leading++

I was thinking that it would be a debate between buyers and non-buyers and such that.......

 

Still the work, its impressive.

[Gauss-Hornet 489]

I'm thinking more like "Oh, Hazel, make it stop!"...

[Caress 17]

4 hours ago, Gauss-Hornet said:

I'm thinking more like "Oh, Hazel, make it stop!"...

Good idea

[3dL 454]

Great story.

[Mursal 58]

Nice.

[Viking4s 10,791]

Great story and especially the description of the atmosphere in DKE. 
The ending stand out as it is a First-Person Point of View. Maybe it would have been better if it was all in the same pov. 
Anyway only done in 45 minutes, that is really impressive.

[RandomGuy 19]

wow my friend Person_Random is a Newspaper Reporter!

[Caress 17]

9 hours ago, Viking4s said:

Great story and especially the description of the atmosphere in DKE. 
The ending stand out as it is a First-Person Point of View. Maybe it would have been better if it was all in the same pov. 
Anyway only done in 45 minutes, that is really impressive.

Thanks! x

[Caress 17]

11 minutes ago, Ap3xA1pha said:

This story is relatable cuz I live in London and I also happen to be 19 as well 

Great story!

Aha tysm xo

[Devoid 2,601]

It was a great read. I especially loved your vivacious vocabulary and imagery. The words, and the way you presented them, make me feel I am in the scenes being described, which is something very positive in a piece of writing!

Great job, I hope to see more writing from you in the future!

[Helios 725]

I saw the same story in another website. IDK if it was copied from your or not ? Just copy the whole story and paste in the browser youll see a website with the same story ? Just check if it was uploaded by you ?

[Caress 17]

8 hours ago, Mr.Nibbles said:

It was a great read. I especially loved your vivacious vocabulary and imagery. The words, and the way you presented them, make me feel I am in the scenes being described, which is something very positive in a piece of writing!

Great job, I hope to see more writing from you in the future!

Thank u! x

[Caress 17]

46 minutes ago, Symbolz said:

I saw the same story in another website. IDK if it was copied from your or not ? Just copy the whole story and paste in the browser youll see a website with the same story ? Just check if it was uploaded by you ?

I uploaded a similar copy to this to a dodgy website as a .pdf for my teachers to download. Other than that I haven't uploaded my story anywhere else.