story Unsaid

[Flexoo 6,980]

Valentine’s Day, 2016. 

 

It’s a rather ordinary day for us before mom’s deafening scream starts filling the walls. I am running to your room to see her whole body shaking with pure fear as she tells me you fell down on the floor and aren’t moving. I can see she’s been completely consumed by the panic while I am desperately trying to attend to you. She was never really good at handling stressful situations, so I push her to the side.

 

I can feel the weight of the moment on my shoulders. I kneel by your now motionless body and the only thing that crosses my mind is to perform the CPR. But, I know very well about my limits. I am not in any way qualified to help you. Mom has finally collected herself a bit to call 911. They are on the way but won’t be able to arrive for couple of minutes. You do not have those crucial few minutes, so the dispatcher instructs me what to do before the ambulance is here. 

 

I am trying to follow her words of advice to the best of my abilities, but the emotional distress is so unbearably strong, I can barely hear her voice at times. It goes on for what seems like ten minutes. At this point, I fear I am doing more harm than good. My shaking hands cannot bring you back. You are not responding. I connect with your half-open, dim eyes and see the glance of fleeting life in them. That look in your eyes is so peaceful. It’s almost as if you are telling me: “It’s okay, just let me go.” 

 

The ambulance arrives shortly and I am basically forced to leave your side and escort mom who’s unwilling to leave you, her lifelong love, alone with emergency workers. She’s crying. I am crying. We are sad, frustrated, distressed, and broken. But, these words are just that, a mere words. They don’t even come close to describing how we are feeling right now. 

 

I am squeezing mom and rubbing her back. I somehow must be strong for both of us. She is in so much pain and on the verge of absolute physical and emotional collapse. I am trying to calm her down and comfort her while listening to the voices of emergency workers hustling to save your life and sounds of equipment they use.

 

I discern the arm pressure cuff, something resembling a defibrillator,  the tearing sound of someone opening the protective packaging of some sorts. With every passing second, they are running out of options until around thirty painful minutes later, it is all over.

 

You have left your earthly shell to venture to the great beyond.

 

 

 *            *            *     

 

 

It’s been four years since our roads parted ways. Actually, in a couple of months it will be five. It weirds me out how the time flies. Sometimes, it feels like yesterday when we were watching together our favorite football team and irrationally stressing about the match result. And then, I come to the sudden realisation that a whole eternity has already passed since then.

 

I won’t lie to you. Nowadays, most days are good. I am slowly learning how to live without you. I smile, I laugh, I explore, I am trying to live my life because I am hoping that’s what you would want me to do. With that being said though, I feel a guilt behind those words.

 

At times, I feel I shouldn’t be happy, I feel I am not paying enough attention to your memento, I feel your legacy is getting bleaker with every passing minute. There are days when I genuinely am upbeat about things before a shadow of uneasiness creeps into my mind and I remember I haven’t thought of you for quite some time.

 

Nothing really helps to resolve this guilt. There are so many of your stories I lost in the haste of everyday life. I found them to be so boring when you were still alive, and it pains me I only realised their true value when you aren’t here anymore. I wish I could tell you I am grateful now you shared them with me in the first place.

 

And I wish I could tell you those simple, yet powerful words:

 

“Thank you for everything, I love you.”

 

It must be one of my greatest regrets that I did not say these words to you more often. We have been so alike, and yet there was some strange wall of silent awkwardness that prevented us from getting closer. I think it’s because we saw each other as some strong, masculine individuals. We were both men, and men are different. Men are not softies, men do not share their feelings. What an awful presumption we have believed! I should have been more bold and say what a wonderful human being you are.

 

As I am standing over the cold gravestone, the last physical reminder of you walking the surface of this Earth, I know I threw away my chance. But, I promise you this father. One day when my time comes, and I will cross that line between life and death, I will find you and those feelings and words will no longer be unsaid.

 

~Thomas Horak / GeeitsTom/AnxiousTo Tell Blog

Edited September 24, 2020 by Flexoo

[Sacrifice 2,278]

This week, we at the Newspaper are proud to present a selection of the finest pieces written by our talented team! First off, 'Unsaid', a story written by our former Newspaper Administrator, Flexoo, in memory of his father. The story is extremely touching, emotional and an accurate depiction of just how unpredictable life can be. If you are interested, feel free to check it out! 

[Viking4s 10,791]

Nice piece flexoo, I saw him roaming the forum a couple of time lately, for a good reason I see!

[Signal 329]

Very interesting read, well written

[Venem 615]

Wonderful!

It was indeed touching....

And the writing style was new to me! 

This piece is a great example of how an article/story should be for the Newspaper...

Thanks Flexoo!

[Lose 881]

Beautifully written story, Flexoo.

[Sid2910 48]

This:
"Yet there was some strange wall of silent awkwardness that prevented us from getting closer. I think it’s because we saw each other as some strong, masculine individuals. We were both men, and men are different. Men are not softies, men do not share their feelings."
Dude just put my thoughts and feelings into words
Amazing story man
Didn't know the Forum could be holding such stories, I might as well follow the Newspaper now

[tankicola 111]

Almost brought tears to my eyes: extremely well-written!

[Flexoo 6,980]

Thanks everyone for the positive feedback. 

It was great to explore my feelings and thoughts through writing again. 

Edited August 29, 2020 by Flexoo

[Sabrytoun_Superman 677]

Awesome topic, i love it

[Abo-Saleh 11]

i enjoyed reading your topic mate keep the amazing work this is the first time i read topic in tanki newspaper and i like it very much good to have a nice topic starter as you