Predictions for 2012

[skitee 555]

IMPORTANT: Anything said here is meant as a joke. Do not take anything offensively or personally. If your name is not mentioned, it is because you did not come to mind when I was writing it, not necessarily because you are unimportant.

 

 

January

 

Multing becomes such a serious problem that it becomes justifiable for all multing to be “rewarded” with a week-long blocking from the game. This poses multiple problems, though: tons of week-bans are handed out as over-zealous nubs report anybody not giving their all for their team, by going inactive for any amount of time, and after some serious complaints the policy is scrapped. A statement from the leader of the “Let us go inactive” pressure group says “Dis is an awsum thing to scrap dis stupid rule. Now we can go to the toilet without having to rush our business!”

 

The leader's identity remains unknown, although there are rumours of it being headed by Superman11. Where those rumours originated from, nobody knows. Considering Superman11 is a lowly gefreiter, these rumours seem grounded in no solid fact.

 

Other news this month: DaSpamer gets two day bans followed by another month ban; the clan dance competition fails when it turns out that only two clans enter, both of which have pathetic entries; koolwalky gets an afro.

 

February

 

The Tanki Online World Cup begins! Massive nationalistic pride and patriotism sweeps through Tanki, although nobody knew there were quite that many Zimbabweans in Tanki. But nobody would lie about their country in order to get on the same team as somebody else, even Bruce, would they? Oh, hang on. Even so, the predicted countries have the strongest teams: Russia, USA, Sri Lanka and Saudi Arabia are the teams everybody wants to avoid in the group stage.

 

The draw is made, and immense shock comes when it is found out that Russia, USA, Saudi Arabia and Sri Lanka all find themselves in the same group! Accusations of fixing are thrown about, and bans are handed out like crystal boxes as the fracas starts to get hotter and hotter. It looks like the whole English community is about to get off the boil as even Snyper22 gets involved in insulting other people (And if Snyper22 is insulting people, you know things have got bad).

 

Suddenly, news comes in. The draw will be remade with seeds this time and everybody involved will be handed week-long bans. The Australians, who had got an easy draw the first time round against Cuba, Papua New Guinea and Liberia, make loud complaints, but nearly everyone else is happy with the new draw. The forum does go quiet for a week though as stalwarts such as kingeoin, nuclearbom, jordanrusson, cablaz, tripinot, skitee, koolwalky and all the other people who keep the forum alive are all silenced for seven days.

 

Other news: DaSpamer returns from his ban only to promptly get a week and then another month in quick succession; a new contest called “best tank impression” is started where players have to act as a tank. Entries, fair to say, are... interesting; Cablaz and conanthedestroyer get a mohican and PhantomMeat and husto go skinhead to try to show koolwalky that he isn't the only one with epic hair.

 

March

 

The World Cup gets fully under way! After the group stage and other early rounds, where the smaller tosh countries are kicked out of the way, the heavyweights face off with each other and attempt to get the immense prize of 10 crystals for each member of the winning country – and the small advantage of being the best country at Tanki, but everyone knows that the crystals is the real big deal that everyone is fighting for.

 

The biggest match so far comes in the quarter finals, where Sri Lanka come up against America. Everyone expects it to be a really close match, until the time is announced. When it comes to public news that the match is going on at 1-6 am in America, everyone expects Sri Lanka to walk away with it. The Americans pull off a massive shock, however, and are the favourites for the semi-finals containing America, Saudi Arabia (who knocked out Russia in the Quarter-finals), Italy and Congo.

 

Other big news is AwesomeBlake33712 becoming a map maker for due to his epic work on his new map “Trollface”. He becomes a mapmaker and then submits the map to tanki, only to get absolutely mental when he finds out that his map is denied. He quits tanki in a fit of rage, and skitee starts the “Celebrate! AwesomeBlake33712 is gone!” thread as a joke which results in him getting a month-long ban for “Insulting one of the most esteemed members of our community”.

 

Other news: DaSpamer avoids another month ban but breaks his own record for “most day bans earnt in a month” with 17, doubling the record; Not to be outdone, hanrahan sets a whole new standard with a hippy hairdo.

 

April

 

The World Cup finishes in style with a Italy – Congo final. Nobody was expecting the Congolese to get there, but with the power of their entire m3 twins team they brushed aside the opposition and came up against a strong Italian team in the final. In a very “close-fought”, and “tightly-matched” affair, the Italians came up trumps by the “tiny margin” of 17-0.

 

The blokes over at Alternativa Platform also surprised us all when they bring out a new weapon out of nowhere. Called “Sprint”, it does very little damage at close range, but as the distance increases it gets more and more damage, increasing to be able to one-shot an m3 mammoth at distances over 200m. It causes a controversy when it comes to light that the graphics for the shot look very much like koolwalky's new hairdo. It is uncertain and undecided whether this goes against the public's human rights, as is it really unfair that one person should get so much publicity in such a way. Leader of the pressure group “Me! Not koolwalky!”, cablaz, says that it is “derogatory to other human beings if kool gets so much publicity”.

 

Other news: DaSpamer gets five week bans in one month: all the tanki nerds go into ultra-drive as they try to work out if he could get any more: after seven days of serious thinking, they work out that six is the maximum amount of week bans that someone could get in one month. DaSpamer announces that he is going for the record in May; PhantomMeat sets a new standard when he shows how he managed to get 17 different styles of hair in one month (although when asked to show the difference between “Skinhead 15” and “Skinhead 16” or “Skinhead 5” and “Skinhead 6” he struggles to find words).

 

May

 

Pressure for tanki 2.0 has been rising all year, but the annoyance of the loyal tanki community is appeased somewhat when “Gold Box Day” is announced. Instead of the boxes falling at each 700 fund like normal, they fall at every 100 fund for one day only, and the amount of drop zones is doubled. Everyone is happy for a day, although afterwards not so much: with inflation rising vastly that day, everyone now seems to have a m3 tank/wep combo: and the players are not happy.

 

Tanki reaches a massive landmark with 3 billion players! Although an independent enquiry finds out that approximately 80% of those are secondary accounts, they still happily announce that almost half of the world's population now plays Tanki Online!

 

As a result, they sue World of Tanks, who still state that they are “the most popular Tank MMO on the internet”, and they win 40% of WoT's playerbase as compensation. That causes massive fallout for World of Tanks, and within five days of the incident, World of Tanks has closed down in shame.

 

Other news: DaSpamer's plan to get 6 week-long bans fails as he gets a month ban at the start of the month, wrecking his chances; Tommy60 shows the world how it's done by getting his own afro, although angry accusations that he used his mother's curlers are angrily rebuffed and he says his hair is naturally curly and he straightened it for all previous photographs. No-one believes him; 0uchie also joins the party with the tallest mohican yet; and kool, who had been lying in wait for 5 months, shows everyone his afro again which is now as low as his chest.

 

June

 

Tanki Online, now rolling in piles of cash as more and more people buy crystals, bring out their 1000th server, a new landmark for internet gaming, and buy the domains to.com and tanks.com for prices of $3mil and $5mil respectively. This causes massive rage as “Tanki can get 1,000,000 servers for all I care! All I want is Tanki 2.0!!!” is the predominant theme among the community.

 

The pressure increases as Barrack Obama, leader of pressure group “Tanki 2.0 now or else.” announces that “Tanki 2.0 must be released in the next two weeks or I'll send the FBI to Perm to make it come out”. Unsurprisingly, this causes panic among the Tanki Staff and they do not know what to do. Frantic discussions are held between the pressure group and the staff, and the deadline is eventually increased to one month, although the threat of the FBI still looms. World War seems imminent as the Russians take offence with Obama's threats and the Cold War starts again, over a video game this time. The English community and Russian community get further apart and crisis seems inavertable, especially as Alternativa Platform admit that Tanki 2.0 is not ready and they are not going to bring out a rubbish version as it would bring shame to them. People's hearts are in their mouths as they wait to see what the results of this latest crisis will be.

 

Other news: Tanki Online's playerbase reaches 10bn, more than the amount of people in the world – this is used as proof by scientists that aliens do exist; DaSpamer gets 32 day bans in one month; and ShadowStrikers is renamed to “MohawkManiacs”. Nobody knows what the name means, although in a poll 97.5% think that it refers to koolwalky's new hairstyle – the other 2.5% are SS (or MM as it is now called) members.

 

July

 

Most important prediction first: DaSpamer becomes a mod. An announcement from the president of the “committee of moderators” announces: “DaSpamer is a great addition to our moderation team. He has great experience on Tanki, and he will use his experience to great usage on our moderation team, for sure. At the very least, he will know for sure what crimes deserve what ban.”

 

Now for the not-so-important aspect of my prediction: World War is narrowly averted when, with an FBI crack team on hold in Kazakhstan ready to break into Russia at any moment and start war at the command from Obama, the team in Perm releases Tanki 2.0 to the world with only minutes to spare before the deadline.

 

The world celebrates and it hits headlines on every newspaper everywhere except for North Korea. People party in the streets as the thing which they have been waiting for for so long has finally arrived. It gets the best ever reviews for a video game all around the world, and people play it with fervour that has never been seen before in the world of gaming. Estimates say that after three days, over 75% of the world's population has played it for at least ten minutes. And even those who don't really like video games can't but help but be glad at World War being avoided.

 

Suddenly, inexplicably, something happens which shakes the world to it's core. As everyone is celebrating the release of 2.0, all of a sudden it is removed from all servers. Celebrations are cut off as people bash at their computer screens trying to get it to work. But nothing happens. Connections are well and truly ruptured with the game.

 

Talk is all about technical experts all over the globe hired in to find the problem, but AlternativaPlatform announce that it was they themselves who recalled it due to “not being ready”. The 5 billion people on the earth who have played it are flummoxed. 3 million of them commit suicide as a result, including famous people such as Michael Jordan, Paul McCartney, Gary Lineker, and Chris Wu.

 

War seems imminent again, but AlternativaPlatform point to the terms of the agreement which stated that Tanki 2.0 had to be released within the month: but there was nothing which said they couldn't recall it again afterwards. Obama gives in and resigns from the presidency to work on the far more important task of becoming a marshal.

 

Other news: Lieutenant_Me becomes the first person to reach fifty million points on Tanki; Maksim Khusainov is voted “Most influential person in the world” in a poll of 2 billion people – Bruce Lunga is second in the poll; MonkeyMagic sues MohawkManiacs for copying his two letters and gains 15 crystals in repairs; A Clan Tournament begins, and for two weeks it is the most tweeted-about topic in the world.

 

August

 

Arabic tanki comes out! Tanki has been rolling in wealth from people buying crystals but it has only been now that something new has come out. The Arabs pour into Arabic Tanki, and with on average 80% of the population of Saudi Arabia online at once, it quickly becomes the most popular language on Tanki.

 

The Clan Tournament hits the ground running. Unlike the World Cup, it has no problems and after some fierce and epic battles (most notably ChickenCasserole against Torn Jeans, which had 23 rounds before a flag was finally taken to end the game), the semi-finals are ready. Manchester United FC [Official] are against Brazilian Darkness, and ChickenCasserole are against Tripinot's Fan Club.

 

Other news: DaSpamer gets de-modded for attempting to ban Bruce Lunga in just his third action as a moderator - his first two were to attempt to ban koolwalky and dingus; IronClads become the longest-lasting English clan when DareDevils close down due to going out of the clan tournament in round 1; Tanki Online becomes the only legal online game in 42 countries around the world; Bill Gates joins tanki and becomes a marshal in four days; Tanki Online is a sport in the London Olympic Games.

 

September

 

Bill Gates is so addicted to Tanki that he gets Microsoft to buy Tanki Online off AlternativaPlatform for $1000bn. This becomes the biggest news story of all time, and conspiracy theories are thrown about. Everyone is unsure what will happen to their favourite Online Game, and a player not wishing to reveal their real identity creates a pressure group called “Microsoft Out!”. Under his hidden identity of “hogree2”, he states that “if Microsoft make any serious changes to Tanki then I am going to kill Mr Gates with my bare hands if possible!”

 

However, Microsoft announce that they are “not going to make any serious changes to Tanki Online”. They even keep exactly the same development staff at the headquarters in Perm. The only change that people notice is the logo on the front page. Microsoft do announce, however, that they are planning to go ahead with 2.0 “as soon as it is ready”.

 

When Manchester United FC [Official] go out of the clan tournament in the semi-final, Wayne Rooney and Rio Ferdinand go on an anger rage around Manchester, causing “Serious shock” for 37.4 old ladies, which leads to questions about whether Tanki Online is safe for people to play and does not have a too serious influence on people.

 

Tripinot's Fan Club go on to win the clan tournament with a resounding 4-1 win in the final over Brazilian darkness. Leader of the clan, Delta_88, says that “It is a great honour to win this, but especially to send those blasted Brazilians back to their own country!” Unsurprisingly, he is arrested the next day and sent to jail for two months and unable to dwell in his success.

 

Other news: A man going under the name of nothing except “Jackie Chan” breaks the record for most crystals bought at one time. After buying 17 million in one go, he announces to the world that he is “proud of my achievement and I'm going for an even bigger total when I get enough money.”; Tanki Online is brought out on the Xbox and given an “18” rating due to “a picture of John Cena on the front of the cover”; The hair craze on tanki online is brought back up by The_Ice_Dragon as he shaves his hair into the tanki online logo.

 

October

 

Microsoft, having announced that they are not making “Any significant changes to Tanki Online”, suddenly bring out a pile of changes and call the new version v1.5. When they realise that v1.5 was a term already used by AlternativaPlatform when they were in charge, they change their version number to 1.6.

 

v1.6 has the majority of the changes that players wanted in 2.0, such as a friends list, profiles, clan wars, limited wep/tank battles, and the like. Once it is released, conspiracy theories spring up over the globe about whether 2.0 will actually come out in the end, but Microsoft announce that “2.0 is still very much in our plans and is on course to be released very soon.”

 

North Korea declare that playing Tanki Online is punishable by death, which enrages Bill Gates to such an extreme that he forces the United Nations to invade North Korea by threatening to block the tanki account of the Secretary-General. With no other realistic option, the Secretary-General has no other choice but command the UN forces to invade North Korea and crush the renegade kingdom. Within a few days, UN forces have overrun North Korea and made it legal again to play Tanki. They are greeted by very few people coming out to celebrate their liberation – the majority of people are at home attempting to rank up.

 

Other news: Microsoft scrap working on the Xbox 720 and put all effort into Tanki Online; Tanki Online becomes a worldwide sport and anybody who played Tanki Online in 2010 becomes an instant celebrity overnight

 

November

 

The rating of a celebrity now depends on people's rank in Tanki Online. When it comes to light that Katy Perry has still not got a Tanki account, she is immediately released by her label in shame. She then attempts to create an anti-Tanki Online group joined by people all around the world. Despite the amount of publicity she gets, she only gets a following of 27 people.

 

Microsoft bring out 8 new ranks. The highest one, “Supreme Commander of the Universe” is reached by a player getting 1bn points, and the race to reach it is on! After a month of frenetic tanki playing, the first player to reach it is announced – it is Bill Gates himself! Ranger7, who was in second position, complains frenziedly, saying that “Mr Gates clearly cheated by adding points to his own score so that he could win. I am the real winner.” Bill Gates fervently denies all accusations of foul play.

 

Other news: Skype and tanki join together, so now you can skype-chat with your team-mates in a battle. This causes controversy because a well-timed scream from a mult can easily put team-mates off; “Hairstyle of the year” Tanki Online competition is announced, and millions of people all around the world attempt to gain the victory. The winner in the end is Lhamster who, with a perfect Hornet-Thunder mohican (no, don't ask me how that one works) on his head, gains the million crystal prize; seventy new weapons are released, causing mass confusion as people try to work out which one to buy. Car crashes become five times more common for three days.

 

December

 

So, after a frenzied year of Tanki Online, where everyone's favourite online game has become the new worldwide hit and gone through so much, people sit back and celebrate Christmas with their clan, attempting to win the Christmas Day clan tournament. The eventual winners are “Turkeys and Cranberry Sauce.” but nobody minds, it's all done in the good Christmas spirit and everyone is cheerful, enjoying the festive season with those closest to them.

 

Microsoft announce that their plans for Tanki 2.0 are scrapped because of “technical problems” and they say that they are now preparing for another version, which they call “3.0” and say will come out with Adobe Flash 12. This causes a worldwide crisis with protests in every capital city around the world as people who had been hoping for 2.0 now have their hopes dashed. Anger flies around the world, but after three days everyone has calmed down again and continue on their ambition to reach the newest rank “Super uber epic totally pro brilliant commander-in-chief-of-the-entire-universe-and-beyond”.

 

Other news: All wars around the world are finally stopped as people sit down to fight each other in clan wars rather than real wars; all crime also stops, and corruption; country borders are opened and immigration laws are now a thing of the past; governments close down as there's nothing to decide – all people need is free broadband, a decent computer and average food supplies; Bill Gates becomes president of the world with Maksim and Bruce his two deputies.

[hogree 4,179]

This is epic bro, still laughing :wink:

[kingeoin14 30]

Again, I'm not mentioned... =(

 

And I always though DaSpamer would be blocked forever by June 2012.

[Tommy60 406]

My hair is straight, thank you very much. ^^

 

Skit, this is awesome! How do you find the time to type all this, though?

[cablaz 32]

Great monthly stories i love it ;)

[r_nuclearbom0 62]

• Great!

[Seemefly 4]

My hair is straight, thank you very much. ^^

 

Skit, this is awesome! How do you find the time to type all this, though?

 

Lol! Mine is too. Even though he said nothing about me. xD

So much hair do's! And so much month bans from DaSpamer! Sounds like him.

 

Do you think Tanki 2.0 will come out.. I think not.

[skitee 555]

Kingeoin, you are mentioned. :)

 

I found time to do it this morning: two hours or so :P More will follow either tomorrow or Monday.

[kingeoin14 30]

Oh, I see, I must have missed it.

[Lhamster 4,081]

Haha! That is brilliant! xD

[kingeoin14 30]

Hopefully I'll get mentioned again.

 

In a bigger role

[r_nuclearbom0 62]

Am I mentioned ;(

[jordanrusson 3]

I laughed at everything about DaSpamer and Obama, its all so true XD

[kingeoin14 30]

Am I mentioned ;(

 

You are.

[Tommy60 406]

Kingeoin, nuclearbom, does everything always have to be about YOU? Just enjoy this topic for what it is; a good laugh. =)

[skitee 555]

Kingeoin' date=' nuclearbom, does everything always have to be about YOU? Just enjoy this topic for what it is; a good laugh. =)[/quote']

 

^^This.

[kingeoin14 30]

Kingeoin' date=' nuclearbom, does everything always have to be about YOU? Just enjoy this topic for what it is; a good laugh. =)[/quote']

 

I know... I kinda just wanna feel recognised...

[hogree 4,179]

Lol kingeon. Dude, did you even read what skit said at the top? He said no-one should take it offensively if they weren't mentioned. I'm his brother and I wasn't mentioned. Take it easy, and just take it as it is, as Tommy says, a good laugh.

[skitee 555]

I know... I kinda just wanna feel recognised...

 

:roll:

 

That's all I can say.

[Tommy60 406]

Kingeoin' date=' nuclearbom, does everything always have to be about YOU? Just enjoy this topic for what it is; a good laugh. =)[/quote']

 

I know... I kinda just wanna feel recognised...

 

 

If you want to be recognized, act more mature around here! You don't get famous by asking for fame; you earn it!

[Seemefly 4]

Kingeoin' date=' nuclearbom, does everything always have to be about YOU? Just enjoy this topic for what it is; a good laugh. =)[/quote']

 

I know... I kinda just wanna feel recognised...

 

 

If you want to be recognized, act more mature around here! You don't get famous by asking for fame; you earn it!

 

Yeah thats how we tankmen got to our status.

[r_PlasmaTank1 19]

Lol, this is pure epicness, nice job skit ;)

[Vincent077 3]

What he said right above me.

[Mizz33 0]

I love this.

[Ranger7 75]

WOW!! Skit, this is HILARIOUS!!! I hope more come out very soon! I reaaaly like it!! :-)