Other [Issue 32] The Dictator: Tanki's Finest News Source - February

[hogree 4,179]

Greetings, readers! Here at the Tanki Online newspaper press, we are passionate about providing you with information on all the latest updates, turrets, hulls, maps, contests, anything related to the community or game, and you can trust us to cover it all. But the Newspaper isn't all about boring facts and figures. What about the stuff that's been going on behind your backs this month? Here at the Dictator, we fill in where the rest of the paper does not, delivering you shocking news stories and fresh rumours direct from the battle-lines. Enjoy!

Hog: K. Would you like the good news first or the bad news? K, the bad news. The bad news is that Fen-Harel hax0red his way into The Dictator and you will have to read his writings this month. Yeah. *swallows* Well, the good news is that Fen-Harel hax0red his way into The Dictator and now we're going to have levels of banter that have not been seen before. I would say one outweighs the other, but that would imply in some way that Fen-Harel is fatter than himself. Which does sound slightly odd.

Kev: Fen gets "Longest Dictator Piece" prize, and the "Shortest Dictator Writer" prize too. Congratulations!

Fen: Told you I'd get in here eventually.

---

Uncovered: the secret behind Vulcan's power-source!
By @hogree

 

A twelve-year-old kid walks innocently down the back-streets of Rio. He spots a ball in the street and does some keepy-ups whilst doing a samba and eating a Brazilian burrito. All of a sudden, his burrito explodes. A light appears within his hands as bright as the Sun. "I am Vulcan. And you will be my slave." He drops the burrito and runs. Immediately, he feels a pain in his back and yelps in a mixture of Spanish and Portuguese. Everything goes black. And then white. And then rainbows! And then black again.

 

Okay, so that story was entirely fiction. But its certainly a plausible option. With the release at the beginning of February, Vulcan's ammunition has been under fire this month. Debates have regularly overheated (These references are on fire) this month due to the seeming unlimited force of blinding ammunition the weapon stores. Is it powered by the Sun? Maybe a new form of radiation? Or even Fen-Harel's brain? After all, it's light. 

 

But scientists reviewing Vulcan have made progress in deducing the source behind the charge that stores the ammunition. According to them, the animals are in control. Yes, after weeks of experimentation, Vulcan's turning barrels have been recognised as inspired from rhinoceroses. 

 

 

As a publication from the official "Vulcan Committee" accompanying the picture, the following was written: "After studying the rhinoceros' tusk, we have come to an understanding that rhinoceroses are in control of Vulcan and animals have invaded Tanki." Reactions have been mixed among players. Many have been scared stiff at the idea that they may be playing a game which animals have controlled with many community members such as lordmostafa pleading "If rhinoceroses are in the game, the inevitable result will be that rhinoceroses will come out of our computers and eat us alive." Interesting perception. However, others are less worried. Dogm45 scoffed at the reports. "I've been playing with an extinct mammoth for years, and you expect me to scared by some rhinoceroses? Bring them on. I'd like to see them handle the Ice Age." 

Developers worried as reports claim players "don't love In Love"
By @Kevred

 

With a extensive 90% discount and a fully revised look, developers were expecting the amount of In Love users to rocket sky-high. Unfortunately, as February comes to an end, the Tanki server’s data suggests otherwise. As Fen-Harel’s keen to put it, “It’s as popular as Hog’s singing.” Effectively, the ratio of Tanks sporting In Love/Total Tanks is still at near zero percent, shocking the devs even more than the 58 down-votes on the 'Updated Rail/Smoky/Shaft Parameters' topic.  Suspecting a technical error, they diverted their cafeteria’s budget to renew the entirety of their servers. After a long and thorough double-check, the numbers were, regrettably, still lower than Fen. Thus, employees are no longer able to afford fresh chicken, forced to stick to processed salmon instead. A certain Mr. Hog was caught attempting to jump off the roof of his house that day.

 

In a Russian survey about In Love, opinions ranged from simplistic “it suks”, to wise observations “this ain’t dora the explorer”, not to forget the short but honest “ugly”. That last remark was too much for poor Hazel-Rah, who is rumored to have left the Tanki bureau in tears, accompanied of more than a few coughing breakdowns. It is said that V-Log 34 was restarted as a consequence of Mr. Kirov’s sudden laughing fit.

 

It seems that, all in all, In Love is doomed to disappear and give way to newer paints such as “Lord”. Player RIPCrystalBoxes is rumored to have created another alt, RIP</3.

---

Fen-Harel with "the mad plays" as The Dictator succumbs in dramatic circumstances

By @hogree
 

I'm sure one question is rolling round your minds right now. Okay, two questions. What is the laziest means possible to get to the kitchen and why has Fen-Harel suddenly joined The Dictator. Firstly, I would suggest barrel-rolling. Doesn't use your legs. Always positive. As for the second question, well, to cut a long story short, let's just say that he basically bribed us with seven refrigerators and two plane-tickets to the beaches of Northern Antarctica. Sort of. Ok, he didn't.

 

As we heard in much amusement last issue, Fen was booted out of the premises with a skaladooshjitsu-inspired Kevred-special after his periodic-table escapades. After swimming in his woes for a couple of days, he grabs his Physics Homework book and reads out loud in a strong Serbian accent. "Every action has an equal and opposite reaction." He laughs and does a belly dance.

 

So, after two lessons with a taekwondo master, a successful pull-up and a frankly incredible gossip update, Fen charges back into the headquarters and confronts Kevred. Powered by his own pull-up-intensified ego he pulls it out of the bag - a Fen the Harel double-noplshogstar. One down, one to go. I won't detail the rest of it - all I'll say is that since our little meeting, Chicken has no longer tasted like chicken.

 

So, we've got a new recruit among the ranks. Feel free to welcome him. But if you're like me, I think a couple of slices of "toast" will be on the menu. 

An extra-long lesson as Developers go back to paint school

By @Fen-Harel

 

With the new paints already in the game, it's time the Dictator looks into their creation process. Developers studied hard for this edition of paints and brought us a whole new style that can come only from the classroom. Here is our inside scoop on what was going on while the paints were being designed.

 

Naturally for our programmers first up was the computer science class where they were caught playing video games. In order to avoid suspicion they cunningly took a screenshot of the game and painted it on a tank, creating the all new Invader and Pixel (game froze on one of the developers) paints.

 

Afterwards came the physics class where our developers had a lot of inspiration for new futuristic paints. With a bright and relaxing design and good protections Atom and Nano might just be the optimal choice for most. As nice as the paints look, it didn't take long to find the horrible flaw in them. The model of the atom displayed on the Atom garage icon is outdated. Yes, for all the normal people out there this has absolutely no impact on anything whatsoever, but GoldRock and I couldn't help but cringe at the picture.

 

Next we had the Biology class... sort of. Watching all those bacteria and studying about mitosis wasn't really inspirational for the developers, so they went out to see nature up close in the closest zoo. Rumors are a developer got attacked by a racoon, then as he was running away he hit a beehive. The other developers had quite an entertaining view and decided to pay the honours to their little furry friend and the buzzing hive for allowing them to laugh at their co-workers expense.

 

Returning to class just in time to be late by 10 minutes the developers took their seats in Art class. This was the one they were waiting for and designers were ready to get some new ideas. With pencils and brushes in their hands they started doing what they do best- designing. Quickly, the Graffiti paint was introduced, followed by Fracture. However one of the designers was acting more relaxed than usual, painting Vortex. After being asked what it represented he replied that he had a wonderful vision that made him paint it.

 

Yes, it was a busy day for the Dictator and with only History and Geography left, we were curious as what else the developers might think of. However, the security caught me and since I was only a guest in the team, I didn't have any official passes. Security guards weren't very compassionate and I was told to leave the school immediately. Luckily, with my stealth and espionage skills, I managed to find someone who had all that inside info. Then sadly, he wasn't very cooperative since the conversation went something along these lines:
"Sir, can you just tell me anything about what's going on in the classroom, I'm working on an articl..."
"For the last time... I'm only the janitor, now get out of the toilet!"
You get the point...
 

Some unofficial rumors have also been floating around that the developers went to visit Ostrica after school. It went so far that Ostrica herself helped in the creation of the new paints, sending a sample of her garden to Perm. Tanki's best scientists threw it all on one of the tanks, the material stuck and was afterwards named Mars.

---

Have chickens been sighted in Tanki?!

By @hogree

No. Unfortunately.

If you want to read more from The Dictator, here are the news reports from previous months!

 

July 2014

August 2014

September 2014

October 2014

November 2014

January 2015

[hogree 4,179]

Kev: Fen gets "Longest Dictator Piece" prize, and the "Shortest Dictator Writer" prize too. Congratulations!

Top notch banter

[I.WalkAlone 548]

Loved the 'In love' paint article the most! Great job, guys!

[RIPInLove 0]

:ph34r:

 

 

 

 

Edited February 27, 2015 by RIPInLove

[T.O.T.A.L.W.A.R 581]

I read the article not sure i understood it though except for

 

 

"Developers worried as reports claim players "don't love In Love"

"

I thought it was going to be a review for dictator tank.

 

Anyway awesome. :D

[deadtoyou 2,502]

WaHT!!!!! No Chicken???!!! Shame on the Devs.... -_-

[RIPcrystalboxes 145]

:ph34r:

:ph34r:

[RIPcrystaldrops 0]

:ph34r:

:ph34r:

[Phoenix-Warbird 1,329]

Those press-ups paid off

[Ben 644]

Congrats on the Pull-Up Fen!!!

 

Great articles, although someone got lazy at the end of the new paints article :P

 

hilarious as always

[jazz20 1,181]

To bad the holiday paint turned back to its ugly chess-board self again  -_- Thanks a lot Tanki... 

[Reeco9 1,567]

Suspecting a technical error, they diverted their cafeteria’s budget to renew the entirety of their servers. After a long and thorough double-check, the numbers were, regrettably, still lower than Fen.

The banter is strong in this one.

[TriNitroToIuene 4,765]

Don't love In-Love. Shame, strange how people jump on the bandwagon, isn't it? Next, we'll see a 90% sale on mines, to see players buying bucketloads of them and then, throwing them out with as much eagerness as they bought them - "You served my purpose. Now shoo."

 

One should start an article called 'strange behaviour of tankers during sales"

[lukey0 27,543]

Brilliant as always. :)

[My_Tiger_Psy 4]

So funny ahaha!  Great job guys!