The following is a piece which a friend of mine back in the day wrote and shared with me. If you're an old timer you might be able to guess who by the style of the writing. He never bothered publishing it, but I just found it and thought it'd be interesting. It's not for the story per se, but I thought it'd be cool to share what Tanki old-timers were all about, because upon visiting the game I find that I know almost no one; it seems everyone I'd known either moved on as well or changed their nicknames. This is from December 2016. ~*~*~ If the English Community was a Pirate Crew… It was a busy Tuesday – Many tankers, barely arrived home from school, sprawled along the sidewalks playing with the newest Hunter/Rico action figures. Hordes of high schoolers sat motionless at their computer screens, mouths half open with cryptic words such as “Lagger mult” occasionally slipping from their lips. A Reporter surfing the internet (searching for a good Chicken costume for this year's Halloween) happily procrastinated the writing of an article about the effects Drugs have upon a player’s subconscious. Then, Me…Oufa, strode out of his dwelling. Immediately, a huge crowd formed. Plastic Hunter action figures could be seen strewn, forgotten, across the neighboring sixteen miles of roads. Me…Oufa proclaimed, “Lets all get on a pirate ship.” Without thinking, the huge throng of people followed Me…Oufa down the roads to a harbor they had never realized existed, known as “Solikamsk Harbor”. A few people strayed from the crowd to visit a local McMonkey’s Drive In, but other than that, the mass was just as numerous as before. At this exact moment, a stroke of pure brilliance struck the Reporter. “What if,” he thought, “I wrote an article that had actual news in it?” The Reporter had just heard the surge of Me…Oufa’s fans as they passed his house (it’s impossible to miss the constant cries of ‘Add me, OUFA.”). Instinctively sensing a good news story, he put on his sunglasses and swag reporter helmet, and jogged out his front door, in search of a place he’d never heard of: Solikamsk. The ship was spectacular. Liverpoolaum very aptly described it as “nice” while GhostRider750 claimed it was “almost as cool as Mount Timpanogos.” Some of the younger followers of Me…Oufa were enthralled by the ship's 70% Styrofoam structure, while others said, “Unity will be way cooler.” All this aside, players soon began boarding the ship. A mysterious man called “Cap’n Semyon Kirov” was at the helm. Dilsharox happily roamed the ship, chanting “GOOD LUCK” at anyone who caught his eye. Just before the ship was about to depart, a solitary figure known by the name Rem was spotted on the dock beside the ship. Boldly, this ‘Rem’ declared: “See you tomorrow.” So long Remult. The ship backed out of the bay, only bumping into a few ships on the way out. Happy passengers gleefully shouted, “OMG PARKOUR!” after a tussle with an especially large cargo ship. A few of the sailors controlling the ship complained about the “stupid nub camera update is unplayable how am I supposed to drive like this omg noob devs mod ban pls” on the drive out. In only a short time, the pirate ship was upon the high seas. A salty breeze lightened the players’ moods after it was discovered that no one had brought any food. HichigoShiro, ever an optimist, stated, “Everything will work out. Just You_Watch.” Hichigo was immediately added upon the "first to be eaten in case of cannibalism" list. Fortunately for him, after numerous nickname changes, it was unclear who Hichigo was anymore. Nonetheless, many people still feel a strange twinge of hunger when they glance at LetMeTouchYou's face. It wasn’t long after this that a mysterious jackrabbit appeared out of nowhere. The rabbit (or ‘wabbit’, as is preferred) had long, floppy ears and called itself Darn_Slow (FBI censored his real name). Cap’n Kirov addressed these words to the rabbit: “This is an international community and we do not celebrate Easter. Kindly leave or a ban may be issued.” However, the Wabbit stuck around nonetheless. Life proceeded quite happily after that. Yisroel.Rabin constantly took portraits of anyone who wished. Just about everyone took a few photos of mysterious black shapes, supposedly whales (seaweed), that occasionally showed up in the ocean. Whenever a seagull was sighted, tankers shouted “POTD! POTD!” and snapped a few photos. At some point, a hand was outstretched from the water and pulled itself into the boat. Surprisingly, the hand was attached to a body; Issho_Fujitora's body. Issho claims to be the only passenger not rescued in the 2014 Bermuda Sinking. Sadly, no one cares for his pasta anymore. Sonofchrysalis3 began an argument-discussion with a number of tankers, convincing them of the error of their ways. After much tumult and multiple times of sonofchrysalis3 telling about another case of his sister being bullied, things eventually settled down. A few hours passed without excitement. Then, a disturbance began. DanTheKiller1 and Robbie56 were organizing a mutiny against Semyon Kirov. They planned on instating Robbie56 in place of Cap’n Kirov. Robbie promised free chicken to anyone who helped his endeavor, so of course nearly everyone joined in this small revolt. Robbie walked up to the Captain. “Get out of my way noob.” This insurrection was quickly over when F0rte, Sewegart, and Yele descended upon DanTheKiller1 and Robbie56. The uprising was at an end. A couple minutes later, the Russians arrived. The Russians came out of nowhere in a massive ship that was not only M3, but XT. The massive pirate ship pulled right up to the English Community’s Ship. Grappling hooks were soon tossed, connecting the two vessels. The Russians boarded the English Ship with swagger. It remains unclear of a certain Hamster tipped the Russians off on the English' whereabouts in one of his 3vil plots aimed at world domination. Some of the English players fought back. Members of All Kind fought valiantly struggled to destroy the enemy Russians. Lankbouv and Insane_Thunder were chiefest among these EN heroes. However, a pony kept in the stables known as Chrysalis’sThirdSon did not help the English cause. He told tales to tankers about peace and happiness, about why tankers should not bully others and how to deal with bullies. This pony/Pegasus (it is unclear which) strongly advocated the cause of peace, commanding players not to fight against the Russians. The battle was still somewhat close despite the Pony's wishes. Nevertheless, the Russians took possession of the English Boat. Their leader, Kasim, quickly laid out the Russian demands. “Дайте нам курицу. Много это.” Unfortunately, no one understood this Russian message. After a few minutes of waiting, the Russians grew impatient and set up planks off the side of the ship. One by one, each member of the English Community was forced into walking off the plank into the abyss below. When it was our Reporter’s turn, he stood at the end of the plank. With life flashing before his eyes, he finally had the courage to confess his undying love for Meliora. Then, he took the leap. Fortunately, the Reporter landed three feet below, on the same dock they had begun their voyage from. The rest of the English community was gathered around on harbor, save Canadarules who was running away with Semyon’s Glasses. Rem strutted about, quite smug. It was at this moment that the Reporter realized that it had been just about twenty four hours since the time of the ship’s departure. This concludes the Reporter’s account. It was a story full of adventure, heroism, skulduggery, and swashbuckling peril upon the high seas. Despite the fact that the only thing pirated was Semyon’s glasses, it remains a tale to be told for many generations. The only thing that players still feel a tinge of disappointment about was that Chicken did not play a larger role in the story. ~ Anonymous

Just kinda dislike much, but tbh who gives? :P

When's Tankers day again? xD

lol

me in first pic and chat i am famous

Kinda depressing...

Did he do it all four times or just the once? Still cheesy.

Cheesy...

If I remember correctly, that's my account. Or maybe I'm @SemyonKirovsGrandma. Or maybe I'm both...

Hi new admin Hexed.

To pay respect, press the key two rows down, four keys in from the left in the alphabet keys. COUNTRY ROOOOADS, TAKE ME HOOOOOME, TO THE PLAAAAACE, THAT AH BELOOOONG, WEST VIRGINAAAAAA—— ——Ehem. Ok, sorry. I just watched Kingsman 2 and I love that part. ANYWHO, cue your favourite ten hour depressing yet hopeful inspirational music YouTube video, cuz' we bout' to get depressing yet hopeful inspirational up in this place. *confused cricket noises* I began my journey as a faithful tanker long long ago, in the year 2014, the year of horses... At least according to the Chinese Zodiac thing. I have had many experiences, some of which may or may not (don't quote me on this) included hack attempts. To all you 13 year olds out there, allow me to inform you; they don't work. I have gained many friends, but I don't count that as an achievement because I lost and equal amount of them as well. And while we're on the topic of friends; to all you gamers out there, just sayin', I had a Tanki girlfriend. Granted she is probably male, or better yet, a robot. I'm gonna be honest, she wasn't really a girlfriend, she was more of a girl acquaintance. Anyways, that was weird. Please don't look into it. I've harassed a handful of people. Like a Thanos sized hand handful. Mainly in Silence parkour maps, but also every other map, and chat, and gift, and PM, and forum topic. So basically I'm annoying, but I don't really care cuz' I'm edgy like that. I find it fun, OK? Also, don't do it, I think it's against the rules. Basically don't follow anything I do besides make goodbye topics and be a helper without helping. On second thought, don't do that either. Getting into the topic of helper, I'm thankful to the mighty rock which was gold for allowing me to become a reporter (on the 18th or 19th time applying, mind you, and that's just counting reporter applications). I didn't really have the cleanest karma, as per the multiple confessions to multiple rule breakings' I just made a few sentences ago, but despite all that the mighty golden rock saw the potential in me. He saw that like a good reporter must; I would seek out to achieve what was expected of me... for about a year maybe before going off the grid and appearing once every three months to announce his presence to the helper chats, only to go back into hibernation for another extended period of time. Rab's the name, helping by not helping is my game. MTGA was fun while it lasted. It was probably the biggest so-classified "dumb childish thing" I worked on throughout my Tanki lifespan thus far. After that goes my girlfriend guide and, ironically, my quitting topic guide. But ya, MTGA was pretty much a trolls unite festival for me, and I wish I had the time / patience / friends to keep it running forever, and perhaps one day develop it into a semi-legitimate political party. Can't be much worse than green, right? Now that we're five paragraphs in, we can begin getting dramatic... ...Actually, I don't really have patience for that kind of level of intensity right now, and I fear if I make this topic too serious, people may actually take this whole thing seriously. So anyways, I'll just cut to the chase. I'm not quitting. In fact, I never mentioned anything of the sort (besides maybe in the title, but thats for clickbait). I'm just bored and just so happen to also be leaving my status as a newspaper reporter. Yes, I'm quitting, not getting fired. So in your face admins who warned me multiple times to get a move on. So ya, I'm just in the mood of posting a topic, so here's a topic. Feel free to pay your respects in the chat for all things needing respect. This way, this topic might be able to stay open for longer as a kind of meme topic. Ok bye. Boredom soothed. Attention received. Anti-climactic ending achieved.

I think someone did some refreshing on my profile...

Greetings, readers! Here at the Tanki Online Newspaper, we are passionate about providing you with information on all the latest updates, turrets, hulls, maps, contests or just about anything related to the community or game; and you can trust us to cover it all. So without further ado, here are all the headlines from July! Gauss design stolen from Iron Man by evil developers By @Yisroel.Rabin The Gauss turret has been adored by players of all kinds all throughout the Tankiverse ever since it was released. However, there's a catch. Iron Man himself has came forward last week to raise an issue with the newly released turret. At the press conference he held for the public outside of Stark Tower, Tony Stark told the public in fury that Tanki Online had in fact hacked into his computers and stole his design for a unique piece of weaponry for his latest Mark suit, prototype titled 'Mouse'. It was meant to function very similar to the way the Gauss turret function in TO, and Stark claims his plans were stolen to aid the creation of the newly released turret. Tanki Online's legal team has yet to respond, but Hazel, a lead game developer who's known for dropping golds where they aren't meant to be dropped, did retweet a passive aggressive tweet made by Tony Stark, and tweeted a devil emoji right after, followed by an ice cream emoji with the text "#OutOfIdeas #GaussedRight". As of now, the world is still trying to wrap their head around what Hazel's tweet meant. When asked, @Cedric Debono, the International CM, responded saying that Hazel was having a late night with some Russian beverages, and doesn't know what he's saying. Tony has started a lawsuit against Tanki, and plans to go "full charge" at the situation, he told our reporters. Meanwhile, over 99% of the worlds population is still trying to figure out one thing; what's Tanki and who cares? LAST MINUTE UPDATE: The Gauss's description in the Garage has just changed to "We got em' good! Bwahaha! #JustAnotherDayInRussia". Hackers leak two-year future plans By @Hexed Judging by the quality and quantity of the updates the developers are investing their time in, it is no big surprise that a couple of hateful haters had been spurred up in the midst of all these changes. Recently, the main data server of Tanki Online was hacked, it's information copied and then removed permanently, potentially causing damage in the hundred-thousand figure. The hackers, leakers or dataminers, whatever you may want to call them, had been successful in their hour-long operation and soon posted details of the future plans on social media, online blogs, videos and so on. WARNING: SPOILER ALERT Do not read below this point as it contains spoilers regarding game development. Apparently, the full list of planned changes is as under: Matchmaking System will be upgraded to host arena-style league play battles which will commemorate the old days of Tanki Online's partnership with StarLadder - hosting different leagues with real-life prizes, inlcuding money. Three new turrets will be launched: one which fires a projectile that explodes in the vicinity of an enemy, a three-burst cannon similar to Smoky and last but not least, a cannon-style projectile launcher that throws balls of either fire or ice. Two new hulls will be added: a hovercraft-style hull which will be able to move diagonally and a hull which will be able to fly for a short time. Unfortunately, no graphics were available for any of these upcoming equipment. Interestingly, a radar system will be added. It will show the location of nearby enemies and teammates. The lobby will be revamped completely, the changes made to it include interface changes, background music, loading screens, etc. Players queued in for a Matchmaking battle will be taken a big map where they will be able to roam around and interact with others, while waiting for the battle to commence. Drones will be removed from the game. Alterations will increase in number. Whole sets of garage paints will be added. Shot Effects for all remaining turrets will be added. For turrets that do not have a significant projectile, only the explosion will change color. Gauss, Magnum and Shaft will undergo slight nerfs, while almost all other turrets will be buffed. Sales will remain similar in discount size and frequency as to what they are now. Truckloads of quality-of-life and small updates will be done. Intrigued? There's even more, but more on this in the next installment. Tragedy occurs on UFO Day as aliens invade Tankiverse By @Yisroel.Rabin UFO Day seemed like a fun idea to the Administration, but as you may already know, the fun and games didn't last too long. Only a couple of ours into the event and the game was under attack. Letting aliens into the spectrum was no good idea, as they quickly attacked our front lines and took many tankers hostage. @Maf, our beloved crystal hacker, was one of the first of many faculty members to be swept away by the evil forces. The aliens have issues a statement in the form of a notification in the news feed, stating that if the Tanki Administration doesn't hand over rights to all the space maps in the Tankiverse, the hostages would suffer dire consequences. Currently, the Administration is debating amongst themselves how bad it would really be to lose Maf, as well as other members of the faculty and game who have been kidnapped. The Administration has issued a statement warning all tankers to stay away from space maps unless experienced in combat or have lots of drugs. On a more personal note, there is word around the EN Helpers chats that if the kidnapped faculty members are deemed worthwhile, we reporters, being the so-called "least important helpers", may be sacrificed for the other faculty members. So, although this is a situation in progress, don't be surprised if there's no issue in the coming weeks. The REAL reason behind Vikingsrallentando's departure as administrator By @LOLKILLERTOTHEDEATH As much as it might shock the readers of the Dictator, Vikingsrallentando did not leave his post as administrator because of "Real life" or other work. I, myself had suspected a more sinister plot at play and begun to look for the truth when I managed to have a conversation softly with an informer who will remain nameless. In fact, Destrod... I mean... err the informer told me that "The world thinks Vtando retired peacefully, they are deeply mistaken. If you hear closely in the night, beneath reporter headquarters you can hear the screaming and wailing of all the ex admins, GoldRock was painfully carved into a rock, his screams still haunt me at night. Night Sisters was held captive in another dimension, where night would never depart. As for Vtando, no one knows what became of him, but I'm sure he'll be a victim soon." Needless to say, it has now been confirmed that Flexoo had been lying to us about all the locked up children crying about not having donuts in the basement (which Yisroel allegedly ate). Upon a brief discussion with my fellow slaves reporters, we have deduced that Vtando will be tied up in the basement and subjected to Flexoo's banana pie machine gun until he admits to being a Martian, at which point he will be reported to the authorities to spend the rest of his life loading Flexoo's pie machine gun. It has become blatantly clear to us reporters that the situation has gotten well out of hand and that serious action has become necessary. As a result we have come up with the brilliant plan of sneaking into Flexoo's office at night and crying our lungs out in the hopes of causing a large enough flood of tears that Flexoo is forced to fire us for destroying his precious paper scrap collection. Needless to say, failure will result in certain cleaning of his office and we will remain slaves. Accidental Gauss super-shot causes nuclear havoc in Chernobyl By @Hexed The product of releasing Chernobyl in the Matchmaking map pool along with the Gauss super-shot would be deadly, and it certainly was. Just three days ago, while shooting back and forth between bases, three Gauss users in the red team were desperately trying to hit the enemy flag-bearer who had just taken the red flag. Located in the base, the trio made shot after shot until the circumstances made it so that one of the Gauss tried to tackle the enemy with a super-shot. Super-shot, if you didn't know already, is an ultra high-power shot that carries with it the full force of Gauss' linear electronic ultra-power magnetic accelerators, capable to releasing the projectile at an incredible speed of more than 250 meters per second. The impact this projectile produces is so high, the resulting energy wave evolving from the point zero causes huge damage to the surrounding as well. When the super-shot was just about the hit the enemy going through the middle of the map, just between the reactors, he swerved left. For his Wasp, it was easy, and he just escaped for what could've been his unfortunate death. However, what was just about to happen, nobody was prepared for. The Gauss cannon misfired, hitting the wall just behind the curve he had taken. Energy waves from the impact generated in millionth of a second soon reached both the reactors and instantly vaporized them, causing a massive explosion. Above: Devastation caused by the nuclear explosion. Due to the unforgiving amounts of radiation and the blast, no one in the map at that time was able to survive. The fallout from the blast reached the upper levels of the atmosphere, rapidly decreasing temperatures. Radiation was able to spread as far as Kungur. People have been told to evacuate beyond Kungur to remain safe. While Berlin and maps like Rio and Dusseldorf remain safe from this tragedy, a couple are a no-go zone: Gubakha, Perm, Molotov and the surrounding areas. The immediate area around the disaster location has been zoned off, and emergencies have been declared in a number of surrounding countries and divisions for help. The final, ultimate, completely finished and best guide to eating fried chicken By @LOLKILLERTOTHEDEATH If you want to read more from The Dictator, here are the news reports from previous months! The Dictator Issues - July 2014 - August 2014 - September 2014 - October 2014 - November 2014 - January 2015 - February 2015 - March 2015 - August 2015 - December 2015 - January 2016 - February 2017 - March 2017 - April 2017 - May 2017 - June 2017 - July 2017 - September 2017 - October 2017 - November 2017 - December 2017 - January 2018 - February 2018 - March 2018 - April 2018 - May 2018 - June 2018 - July 2018 - October 2018 - November 2018 - February 2019 - SECRET ISSUE - SECRET ISSUE - SECRET ISSUE - SECRET ISSUE - SECRET ISSUE - SECRET ISSUE - SECRET ISSUE - SECRET ISSUE - SECRET ISSUE The Dictator Specials - The Dictator Special | Origins of Nives

Because it seems to be good, at least according to the description given... They only dislike it because they're getting killed by it; I wouldn't dislike a turret which got me easy kills. My point was that no turret is like that, you need skill for any combo. Also, I was speaking hypothetically; of course not everyone has M4 everything, but I was only trying to convey the message that if you are under the impression that a particular turret is overpowered, see how untrue that is by testing out the turret yourself. I'm not specifically telling you to use it, I'm merely guaranteeing you that if you do, you'll see that it's not so easy to use.

10-100 in ten code...