Review [Issue 19] Behind the Breaking News: December

[hogree 4,179]

I think it's safe to say that the Breaking News has finally broken. MusicJam is now unable to continue posting his Breaking News posts, and since GoldRock is no longer a reporter, I've taken over the running of the show.

 

 

As we start, I must resound the poetic lines of my ancestor, the legendary GoldRock. Let us have a moment's silence to remember his work. There, the moment's gone. 

 

- Do not take this article seriously; it is very difficult to do so anyway.
- Any apparent reference to any person, living or dead, is purely coincidental and unintentional.

 

Yeah, I don't have the brains to think up my own swagalicious lines  You forget that I'm actually a pig.

 

December 3rd - New "Helpers of the Project" Forum section

 

Well, the devs obviously wanted to create a forum to show off to the world some of their awesome staff members, like hogree, hogree and erm hogree; as well as showing clearly the route to joining the Helpers of the Project team. I agree, calling us reporters staff members is an awful name. I reckon Helpers of the Project is a much more attractive name. We could call each other HOP members for short. I can just imagine, next time I go on National Radio, imma be like: "Hello. My name is hogree. And I am a helper of the project. MUAHAHAHAHA."

 

December 5th: 15 Seconds of Fame Contest

 

The 15 Seconds of Fame contest opened on December 5th. Strangely, 15 seconds rather than 20 seconds like last year. My suspicion is that Semyon was celebrating his 15th birthday, and decided to punt it at 15 seconds this year instead. My personal plan was to record myself jumping off a cliff which took 15 seconds to fall to the ground on and then post it when I get home - but once I saw that a certain heavenly being had entered, and SUNG?! Scratch that, I thought. Maybe next year.

 

December 5th: Issues with Google Chrome

 

A dodgy affair between Tanki and Google Chrome suddenly sprang to light later that day. Clearly, Tanki had been harming Google Chrome's legs, as there were claimed to be "drops" in FPS, as well as a failure in hardware "acceleration". For me, though, I'm glad the relationship was solved, since Tanki's speed AND colours which had been messed up by the dynamic lighting went back up to the previous standard. However, if I was the devs, I would keep the relationship status as "It's Complicated". After all, it IS pretty complicated when you think of the concept of knocking off Google Chrome's legs.

 

December 9th: Improvements on Inviting Friends to Battle!

 

*Sigh* Yes, I know, we play online games - we don't have friends, that's far too mainstream. However, there's no harm in pretending, is there? And anyway, with the new clash-of-swords button we press to invite people to our battles, it's clearly not going to be an all flowers, fairies and candy relationship, is it? Must admit, I do like pressing that when inviting the 3vil Hamster to a battle. Gives me a sense of having the upper hand from the beginning. After all, I selected the swords! Its also interesting that they added the stalker feature so now, you can see what server your friends are in. I guess it solves the problem for the desperate Tanki guys trying to chase the few girls that regularly play the game... Well, many gave feedback to the topic in the end, but I had to choose one quote that was most adequate for the situation. Well said young sir. Almost as good as the Facebook commenters.

 

:)   :)   :)   :)   :)   :)   :)   :)

Gold BOXXX

December 11th: New Physics Model in Game!

 

No, before you start, a model has not joined Tanki. However, there is a racy part to the new update. With the speed boosts and drifting motions, people have considered it equal to games like Need for Speed. Now, I'm not going to go down that road in this humour. Much more like Gran Turismo. Anyway, with the new update, it's interesting that Titan's put on a bit of weight. I reckon Tanki should introduce a gym map. Get some of those Titans working out. And those Wasps seriously need to do some weights; look at their puny bodies! Well, I'm personally not sure Einstein would be too happy with us changing physics - but I'm sure it's a good plan if the devs are interested in getting Vettel into Tanki.

 

December 12th: Twitter Contest - Where have I Seen that?

 

So, with the growth of Twitter, Tanki have decided to get things moving over there by starting a new Twitter contest! And so easy too! All sounds really innocent until you realise that Twitter is evil and its ultimate plan is world domination and Tanki is going to help it to succeed and we are helping it too by tweeting and soon our houses will be invaded by Twitter and then Twitter might become the President of the World and then the world might become one big tweeting bird and then Tanki might close. D: Well, the contest did get me thinking though. What really is INSIDE those red containers? Maybe they store drugs... or even *gasp* anti-hamster repellent! Well, if ever I am going to make a Tanki New Year's Resolution, it'll be to find out what's inside those containers. Still got enough of the winter holiday left to book a flight to Perm...

 

December 14th: New Product Kits

 

Another addition to the garage. Another one for the buyers. And another bout of unhappy players. All the same, we can't forget that Tanki is a business, and a business out there to make money. It would be nice if Tanki was a game sponsored by old grannys, and all they cared about was spoiling all the kids playing - but no. Lets get real. (Even though, saying that, I wouldn't mind M3 Titan, Devs.) All the same, pairing off one of these product kits buyers against a normal player at the same rank is pretty much like pairing off an argument between Selena12121 and Eragon33. But at least we can't blame it on Semyon. After all, as his fellow dev stated when asked about Semyon's whereabouts at the release:

 

He sleeps, I think. ^__^

 

December 19th: Micro-Upgrades and Crystals for Ranks

 

The long-awaited Micro-Upgrades. And the sudden-shock-entrance of Crystals for Ranks. A mixed bag of surprises. The former was made for nightmares - the latter out of the best dream. But the devs balanced it out just right - getting the sufficient amount of crystals to appease those unhappy with MUs, whilst giving double happiness for the MU fans. Now all we need is free popcorn and everyone's happy!

 

December 24th: Christmas and New Year Events in TO

 

What people think happened: Devs were kind, and produced a 50% discount for everyone to splash out their "Crystals for Ranks" cash on. The New Year's Map was created well, nicely formed, with a darker shade of light to produce a more interesting battle experience. Tanki also joined in the festive spirit in giving out presents to players via the "Decorate the Christmas Tree" contest.

 

What really happened: Semyon and some of the other male devs had a trick sprung upon them by their wives. Forced to slog out preparing the Christmas dinner, they were extremely tired when getting into work, and they didn't have sufficient energy to brighten up the New Year Map - thus, leaving it dark and hard to see. Since the vodka for the Dev's New Year's Party had been going at half price, the brains of the devs had only been switched on enough to think of that number for the discount. As for decorating the Christmas Tree, they had created the contest in the hope that maybe one of the players could come over to Perm and actually decorate a real Christmas tree for the devs in thanks for the contest. As I type, it's still sitting there in Ksenia's office, untouched, with the golden star sitting temptingly at the bottom. Who's up for the job?

 

Edited July 31, 2017 by Hexed

[Raphael2 3,263]

Great job hog, it is as good as your bro's predictions! It made me laugh several times ^^

[Meliora 1,652]

*Breathes out*

Phew, hogree, well done, taken a very good step up from the last two.

[r_GoldRock30 68]

A really, really awesome article. I like the conversational style of the writing, and the last bit was both original and pretty hilarious.

Excellently done; you certainly did the concept of such a series justice. I look forward to the next in the series ;)

 

As we start, I must resound the poetic lines of my ancestor, the legendary GoldRock. Let us have a moment's silence to remember his work. There, the moment's gone.

 

- Do not take this article seriously; it is very difficult to do so anyway.

- Any apparent reference to any person, living or dead, is purely coincidental and unintentional.

 

Yeah, I don't have the brains to think up my own swagalicious lines You forget that I'm actually a pig.

:lol:

 

I've not read any other articles yet, but I imagine this would be a very strong contender for the unofficial title of 'best article this issue' :P

[Remaine 4,687]

Now, that's how you do the Breaking News - great job.

[hogree 4,179]

Thanks for the appreciation guys. ^^ Would just like to point out that if you enjoyed the humour here, do feel free to check out former reporter skitee's unofficial humorous predictions for 2014 written out here: http://en.tankiforum.com/index.php?showtopic=186961 .

[ATHENA123 56]

Nice ;)

PS nice job ranking :)