Review [Issue 52] 10 Reasons Why Tanki is Good for You

[GoldRock 6,165]

 

OK, so we’ve all heard it before. Playing Tanki all day is why you don’t go outside enough, why your grades are falling and basically the root of all evils in the world. But this simply isn’t true. There are a myriad of reasons why playing Tanki is actually good for you, which I’ll be exploring in this article using rigorous scientific methods and irrefutable logic. Be warned. Show this to any annoying parent to have them falling at your feet and begging you to forgive them for their preposterous lies. This article may just change your life.*

*Disclaimer: In no way, shape or form is the author implying that this article will definitely change your life. In spite of both the awesomeness of this article and the author himself, the author regretfully acknowledges that this article will likely be forgotten by most readers about a few minutes after they finish reading it. Your loss, guys.

 

 

Anyway, without further ado...

 

1. Tanki is good for your health

 

Numerous studies have revealed the health benefits of a good dosage of Tanki Online on a daily basis. As Prof. S Yu-Do Siuns put it:

”The health benefits of playing Tanki are evident. Users report an increase in finger muscle strength of up to 2% after just a few months of playtime, as well as a 0.00001 second average decrease in eye rotation times. As per Darwinian natural selection, these physical improvements enjoyed by many Tanki players are bound to ensure that they are more likely than others to survive and populate the Earth with their offspring. Based on these findings, we estimate that the Tanki playerbase will outcompete the rest of humanity and make up the entire world population by the year 201,756.

But it’s not just these immensely powerful physical advantages that Tanki’s playerbase gains. Tanki trains the mind, honing players’ reflexes and their ‘fight-or-flight’ reaction systems. Heck, kids would process stuff so much slower if they weren’t continuously tested by having to switch tabs every time their parents walk into their room to check their homework progress.”

 

A typical Tanki Online player living a healthy lifestyle.

When asked to comment on whether homework was a better mental training method than Tanki, the Professor ingeniously pointed out that like the rest of the world, homework doesn’t actually have a conclusively proven existence beyond the mind and so we can’t be sure that it isn’t just an illusion planted on Earth by the Devil to force millions to sacrifice valuable Tanki-playing time. The Devil has so far not responded to our requests for comment on the matter.

 

2. Tanki improves your social skills

 

Have you ever wondered what you would do without Tanki? Well, wonder no more – you would slowly wither away as you scream in agony for just one more battle until you’re destroyed. OK sorry that turned dark quite quickly, of course you’d respawn. Anyway, moving on…

 

Social skills are at the heart of what Tanki is. Players charge around the battlefield, furiously typing “go out mult!!!11” and the still more famous “gold box admin pls” into their chat windows. Every once in a while, everyone in the Tanki playerbase will witness and even partake in their very own highly sophisticated and complex Russian discussions, spouting ‘ro’s and ‘cton’s until they sound like truly native speakers.

 

Yet another enlightened conversation unfolds on the forum.

 

Without Tanki, many of us would be doomed to non-Tanki-isms, normal mind-controlling ways of communication enforced upon societies by authoritarian government agencies called schools. Without Tanki, we would be forced to say “You’re a bit stupid” instead of “hy6” and “That was a great match!” instead of “gg”. Without Tanki, we wouldn’t have expanded our vocabularies with such diverse colloquialisms, nor witnessed the awe-inspiring grammar abilities of our peers. Without Tanki, life would be a little less worth living for all.

 

(Yes, you’re free to cry after reading that heart-wrenchingly emotional speech – just make sure you type “afk” and/or “-1” before you run to get the box of tissues)

 

3. Tanki leads to higher grades

 

Yes, contrary to what your parents say, Tanki can actually have a positive effect on your performance at school. Think about it... the actual gameplay involves the use of players' cognitive functions in a wide variety of different ways. For example, players often have to count how many players are on each team before starting in XP/BP battles (extremely advanced arithmetic skills), as well as being required to read and interpret complex words such as "Play", "Battles" and even the nightmarish "Generelasisimo".

 

Considering the intellectual challenges that face tankers around every twist and turn of Tanki's user interface, it's no wonder that many Tanki players' academic abilities increase dramatically over the years. In fact, in almost every instance, players who start playing the game at around 10 years old whilst undergoing primary-level education report significant improvements in their academic abilities after just a few years, with many even having progressed onto expert institutions such as 'high schools' and beyond!

 

In fact, looking at us Reporters, the vast majority who are of high-school ages have indeed progressed through the various academic 'grades' at high school, often even as fast as one grade per year. Unfortunately, @Night-Sisters lets us down since she doesn't go to the expert institution of high school, preferring to just sit around at home all day (completely irrefutable evidence below):
 

...but there's always going to be at least one anomaly, eh?   

 

4. Tanki boosts your emotional intelligence

 

Gold box raging, forum trolling and flame wars. Tanki is a microcosm of the society in which we live today, the perfect sandbox (ba dum tssss) for young and eloquent Tanki-playing individuals to gain an experience of the emotional conflicts that exist in the world around us. Remember the first time you so nearly caught that gold box. but were out-ninjaed by some heartless tanker stealing it as your tank blew up into a million pieces of sorrow and despair? Well, in the heat of the moment, you have since learnt to control your rage. You have learnt to master it, and to use it to your advantage. To channel your adrenaline into tearing up the battlefield as you take the glory for yourself. You are unstoppable.

 

Whilst the above may not be true for less able players such as @greyat, @Remaine and @greyat, you get the general idea. Although, such less able players often get there fair share of emotional experiences when it comes to the less noble activities of 'trolling' and 'flaming'. Trying to keep cool in the intense situations of the game's forum can be a challenge in itself, something that quite a few players don't always quite manage to achieve. But no matter. What really matters is the emotional experience. A forever ban, for example, might be a slight inconvenience for approximately forever, but I'm sure any tanker would tell you it was totally worth it because of all the emotionalness if they were actually able to tell you, that is. 

 

An example of the emotional rollercoasters Tanki's players experience on a day-to-day basis.

 

Tanki Online has (probably) created some enjoyable and frustrating memories in equal measure for many tankers, and this has arguably led to an extremely emotionally aware and sensitive playerbase. Comments such as "hy6", "go out mult" and "gg" epitomise the struggles and joys of the everyday player. 

 

5. Tanki reduces prejudice and discrimination

There are many obvious parallels between Martin Luther King Jr’s vision and the Tanki environment. In his famous "I Have a Dream" speech, MLK went on to proclaim...
- “…that all men are created equal”; similarly, all tanks start on a level playing field, with the basic Hunter/Smoky combination being the origins of every tanker’s life,
- “…they will not be judged by the colour of their skin but the content of their character”; players, uhm... are not judged by the colour of their paint, but by their skill on the battlefield? and,

- ...and the list could go on for like, forever (what d'you mean I must've run out of ideas no I haven't).

 

From all of these ground-breaking examples, it's clear that Tanki fosters tolerance. Just ignore the slight issues with hackers and mults, the often destructively competitive atmosphere of battles where the less experienced are put down and supply users ostracised, the huge number of rule violations thanks to immature and disrespectful actions... and it's quite obvious that the game's atmosphere is one of friendship and happiness, merely disguised behind a pretext of war, destruction and Russians hurling insults at each other. We love each other, really! 

 

Even better, female players are specifically catered for in terms of Tanki's Garage (in particular, a range of modifications and upgrades for light hulls w/ Isida and In Love are on offer), and the helpful instructions about how to turn your turret available at the top of the game windo(cough)(splutter) No but on a serious note, maybe, just maybe... the stereotypes are incorrect. 

 

A typical example of the elusive 'female tanker' wearing her favourite paint.  

 

6. Tanki is a form of alternative medicine

​Now, I know I addressed the health benefits of Tanki in the first point – but what if you suddenly fall ill, and have to stay off school and play Tanki? Tragic as such a situation often is, many younger players of the game seem to experience this time and again. However, recent scientific research has affirmed the healing powers of Tanki Online beyond the norm. Prof. S Yu-Do Siuns is back...

 

”It is a well-known fact that many of Tanki's players might play a battle or two when they claim to be 'ill'. Working with this information, our advanced studies have shown that many cases, players who fall ill and play Tanki end up going back to school the next day. In fact, extend the time period to a few weeks or a month, and the proportion of such players returning to school fit and healthy is close to 100%. Based on this revolutionary discovery, it would seem that playing Tanki is an effective method of rest and recovery, especially when players are forced to miss out on their beloved education."

 

"How are Tanki's healing powers so wonderfully magical?!", we hear you cry. But the real question you should be asking is "How didn't we see this before?". Yes, that's right - based on our resident Professor's advanced studies, it would appear to be blindingly obvious that a good dose of Tanki is indeed a great way to recover from any ailment. 

 

Suffering from a common cold? Got a headache you just can't seem to shake? Indigestion ruining your day? A 60-minute dose of Tankeopathy™ will restore the natural harmony and balance within the self!*
*Tankeopathy™ operates on a non-refundable, 'don't-ask-don't-expect-answers-even-though-we-definitely-know-what-we're-talking-about' basis. All we can say is the more you spend on crystals in-game, the more likely the dose is to be effective. Any instance in which Tankeopathy™ does not seem to work as a form of alternative medicine is merely a strong indication that you need to purchase more crystals. 

 

7. Tanki teaches fiscal responsibility

​
Anyone with a basic grasp of economics knows that currency must be saved in order to purchase the stuff you desire. Similarly, the Tanki Online's in-game economy encourages players to adopt a balanced attitude of saving and spending crystals in order to make the most effective purchases. 'Tankinomics' clearly has some invaluable links with real life. 

Imagine a young tanker striving for that dream combo: Mammoth/Isida M0. So he earns crystals by joining 999 minute battles with his other-dream combo Wasp/Shaft M0 and staying in them until everyone else has left and the timer runs down, meaning he can take the glorious funds in the 10s of crystals all for himself. After a solid few years of hard work and admirable effort, he finally manages to save up the 1,600 crystals he needs. His fingers buzzing, he types in his username and password the next day to log into Tanki only to see that his account has been blocked for foul play and buys his dream combination, roaming an empty Dusseldorf battle in a peacefully quiet EN server happily ever after. This is a beautiful example of fiscal responsibility. The saving up of crystals, the accumulation of a tanker's efforts, to reach his or her goals.

 

Seconds later, the tanker's Dusseldorf bliss was torn apart by dozens of invading crystal-buyers, able to pursue instant gratification at a swipe of their mothers' credit cards.

 

Fiscal responsibility at its finest. Need I say more?

 

8. Tanki proves that the Illuminati is real

 

 

 

9. If you board a plane and decide to jump off it for fun and forget to take your parachute with you and as you hurtle towards impending doom you suddenly realise your situation has become not-so-fun, Tanki will fix that too, right?

 

No sorry, only Red Bull gives you wings.

 

And last but not least...

 

10. Tanki gives you a new start in life
 

Picture this. You’re a master criminal, hiding away from civilisation as a result of your heinous crime. You open your laptop, click on Microsoft Edge (which happens to actually be a good browser for playing Tanki I’ll have you know), and as your tired fingers shake, you type the following into the address bar:

 

http://www.tankionline.com

 

Bam! Your opponents are torn apart by your mighty equipment and skill on the battlefield. Gone are the times when you worried about the pain of the outside world, gone are the days where you couldn’t sleep as you imagined the horrors they’d put you through for stealing that 99p packet of Haribo Sugar Free Gummy Bears from the local corner store, gone are the memories of the gruelling years you subsequently spent on the run from international police forces. As you launch into another ferocious battle, it’s just you and the game that matters now.

 

Tanki provides refuge for all. It’s a place where one can start out from being a lowly Recruit, with nothing to his or her name, and then spend years building up an image of integrity and pro-ness. Forge new friendships, work your way towards higher ranks and superior equipment, immerse yourself in the epic fun that is Tanki – your experience of the game is entirely up to you. A game is often defined by its players, and Tanki is no different.

 

 

Postscript: In memory of Lieutenant General I_Didn’t_Do_It_I_Swear, the brave tanker who was presumably finally hunted down and captured by the authorities for his Gummy Bear thieving exploits all those years ago. The last he was heard of, his parents could be heard shouting in the background of his Teamspeak call because his dinner was getting cold. It’s been 30 minutes, and he hasn’t returned since.

 

[l.Eat.My.BuIIets 483]

My First Lucky Dip was worth it

LoL, Nice One

Edited April 1, 2016 by l.Eat.My.BuIIets

[Darren4Turbo 4,913]

I actually did learn and gained some important stuff.

 

1. TankiOnline improved my English; I'm now getting better marks in English in my school than before discovering TankiOnline.
2. It improved my kindness and I'm getting helpful more than before.
3. Made a lot of internet friends.
4. Some tankers taught me some interesting things in real life.

I love TankiOnline and I might even show this article to my parents soon.

[Ambitious 2,084]

hilarious xD nice one

 

way too many illuminati jokes this issue

[GoldRock 6,165]

Thanks!

 

I actually did learn and gained some important stuff.

 

• TankiOnline improved my English; I'm now getting better marks in English in my school than before discovering TankiOnline.
• It improved my kindness and I'm getting helpful more than before.
• Made a lot of internet friends.
• Some tankers taught me some interesting things in real life.

I love TankiOnline and I might even show this article to my parents soon.

Haha yeah, whilst I took a humorous approach to this article I agree completely, the game and community have actually had a positive impact on me in many ways!

 

way too many illuminati jokes this issue

Just so you know I did it first, the other Reporters are the noobs not me :ph34r:

[DragonOfStorms 2,706]

Haha! Nice.

[Railgun.Hornet.Only 271]

Nice... I am on start line now  :(

Edited April 1, 2016 by Railgun.Hornet.Only

[ToiletPaper-16 23]

I actually did learn and gained some important stuff.

 

 

• TankiOnline improved my English; I'm now getting better marks in English in my school than before discovering TankiOnline
• It improved my kindness and I'm getting helpful more than before.
• Made a lot of internet friends.
• Some tankers taught me some interesting things in real life.

I love TankiOnline and I might even show this article to my parents soon.

O rly?

---

On the other hand, this was probably one of my favourite Articles, great use of pictures, captured your audience, I'm sure. :)

[CJGuitar 23]

 

 

Why did you scratched that out?

Edited April 1, 2016 by CJGuitar

[ethanisme 1,115]

Lol the night sisters part :')

Great article

[beaku 2,656]

Could you provide the qualifications of Prof. Pseudo-Science, pls?

[GoldRock 6,165]

Could you provide the qualifications of Prof. Pseudo-Science, pls?

Prof. Pseudo-Science BpSc MpSc PhD aBcDe etc. etc.

[lukey0 27,543]

This is an awesome article. :LOL:

[GeeVuh 1,647]

I suddenly like Night a lot more because of where she is schooled  :lol:

[Supernatural 2,053]

Pro.

Edited April 14, 2016 by Supernatural

[joe123_Superman 430]

 

 

 

Why did you scratched that out?

 

Yeah, we all know its Homeschooler. :P

[Yisroel.Rabin 16,224]

Reason 11:
On April fools, the reporters may or may not troll Tankiverse with their pro writing skillz

 

#THa EN REApORTARs r ALUUManADI CONFORMEd!!1!!#@! !!! !
 

 

 

 

 

 

!

[viratno2 146]

Hilarious, but on a serious note....

Tanki is the loominati confirmed!!!1!!!!!1!

[PhoenixTheInsane 11]

I actually did learn and gained some important stuff.

 

1. TankiOnline improved my English; I'm now getting better marks in English in my school than before discovering TankiOnline.
2. It improved my kindness and I'm getting helpful more than before.
3. Made a lot of internet friends.
4. Some tankers taught me some interesting things in real life.

I love TankiOnline and I might even show this article to my parents soon.

'gold bil pls amdin!!!111one!1one!' 'u is nobe hhhhhh' 'xaxaxaxa hy6' improved your English?!?!?!?!

 

TriNitroTouiene: 'sorry i laged out xD'

[comandobob 15]

#10 : thats why I'm here... except for the gummy bear felony part  :ph34r:

[asmit00_GTO 2]

GoldRock is right microsoft edge really is a good browser for tanki i always play in it. :)

[Destrod 2,634]

I wuv this. Humour, writing skills and most of all, its GoldRock. nuff said

[M4ShermanUSA 926]

Funny, Funny, Funny.  Loved it.

[Cor7y 13,862]

hhhhhhhhhhhhh

[Bugs.meeny 1,013]

^Mr. popular