[Story] Immune (Chapter 2 + Chapter 3)

[Kuhaku 87]

Hello, I_Am_Unkown here and I will be continuing my story, Immune. Wanna read the first chapter and the prologue? Click here: http://en.tankiforum.com/index.php?showtopic=353453

 

Now without further ado, here are the next two chapters.

 

What we can reveal so far:

 

 

Chapter 2

 

The castle was built long ago, in the golden age of the kingdom. The kingdom built the castle near the cliffs, so that the palace itself was at a very protected region. The only way to reach the palace was to go through one of the three front gates.

When I reached the gate closest to my village, I yelled up to the guards who were standing on top of the castle walls."Sirs, would you open the gate, as I would like to enter the castle!”

 

A reply came quick, “What is your business here?”

 

“I wish to find some old relatives and see if they can give me some money!”. A lie, but I have always been a good liar, so the guard ordered the gate to be opened to let me inside.

Once inside the walls, I spent nearly half of the day traveling to the center of the castle in which the palace was located, and where any form of information about the princess might also be. The castle was built so that each layer became more and more expensive to live in. So as I got towards the center, I had to be careful not be arrested in my filthy farming clothes. But when I reached the castle, there were guards on patrol, so I spent quite a while finding a way in which I could sneak in. Finally when a cook entered through a back door, I managed to slip unnoticed.

Fearing that someone were to see me, it took me nearly the rest of the day to just reach the second floor, in which the royal rooms were (the third floor was for storage). But finding no sign of any servants I feared that the princess was dead along with all my hopes. Until I heard someone quietly crying.

 

I heard it when I was just about to jump out the window to escape the palace and return to the farmer, but the longer I heard it, the surer I was that it was Princess Hailey crying.  Quickly, instead of jumping down, I did my best to jump up and managed to grab hold of a ledge. I then moved sideways until I reached the window where the crying was loudest. I opened the window and jumped in.

 

I looked around figured that I was in an old forgotten storage room. I tried to listen for the crying once more, but it suddenly stopped. Then I felt a strong blow to my head and was out cold.

 

Chapter 3

 

When I came to my senses, my hands were tied behind me. either my captor was sloppy, or he had absolutely no skill in tying people up. I quickly slipped out of my bonds and leapt to my feet and tried to see where I was. It turned out that I was in the same room that I lost consciousness in, but then I heard a small, trembling voice,”Who are you, and why aren’t you dead?”.

 

Then I spun around and saw that Princess Hailey was standing there, ready to hit me again with what I presumed was a candle stick.

 

I started laughing, “The kingdom is saved!”

But Hailey quietly spoke in a low whisper, “no, it isn’t, everyone in the palace is dead. But who are you?”

Uh-oh, that meant that the plague was spreading, and if everyone in the castle was dead, that meant that the plague was spreading at an alarming rate. I quickly introduced myself,”My name is Jonathan, and a man sent me here to check on you. You are the princess, yes?”
 

“Yes”, came the reply.

“Then hurry and follow me, we need to get you somewhere safe.”

“Wait, you are one of the younger farmers that I help give food out to, yes?”

I thought about how I should answer this. If I indeed agreed to what she was saying, would she call someone to lock me up. However, if I disagreed to what she said, and said that I was a servant in the castle, would she trust me, as she probably didn’t recognize me? I came to a quick decision and said,”Yes, I am indeed from the farmer fields. But you need to get to safety, or else someone might harm you and steal the kingdom. If you would like to fix the corrupt government, then you should trust me and follow me as quickly as you can.”

In a shaky voice she spoke,”I do indeed want to get rid of my father’s corrupt laws and taxes, but what if the plague is still out there?”

“If indeed the plague is still out there, then you probably would’ve been killed. Not to be harsh, but look how  fast your father and mother died. However, if indeed what you say is true about the whole palace being dead, then wouldn’t you agree that it is most curious that we aren’t dead by now?”

“I do agree that it is interesting that I am not dead, but you have only been here for a few hours at most.”

It was only then that I realized that the day was almost over and that the sun was setting outside. “Quick if you do trust me, then you must hurry. I must get out of the castle before sunset comes and the gates close.”
 

I could see the concern in the princess eyes, but finally she answered,”I do indeed trust you, but we I think that we shouldn’t go through the main exit. I know a back route that will immediately take us out of the castle. “Will you follow me?”, she asked.

I thought for a moment. Was she trying to trick me, or was she indeed putting her trust in me? “I do indeed trust you, lead the way.”

 

___________________

 

As usual, comment your thoughts and suggestions to the story below! Any tips you would like to add? Please comment.

Edited March 25, 2017 by Kuhaku

[tweezers 1,034]

Approved.

 

-Corrected some grammar errors.

-Added/ removed words in places that needed to be fixed.

-Underlined the topics.

-Punctuation corrections.

 

A quick tip; when you're writing an article, avoid using the same phrase multiple times in close proximity to one another. Also, sometimes the conversations seemed a little fake. A good way to rectify this is to read them back to yourself and see whether it sounds natural. 

Edited March 25, 2017 by tweezers

[Blackdrakon30 2,943]

Nice job with the story. The conversation and feelings and stuff felt perhaps a little forced, but it seems like an interesting plot so far and I would like to hear more. At any rate, it's an excellent start towards being a potentially very interesting story.  :)  I would just recommend that as Tweezers said, it might be good to work on your dialogue.

[Sr.I3oSS 2,546]

Happy to see two more chapters. It is interesting to build up suspense at the end of every chapter, but I would reconsider using 'indeed' too many times in speech. A good way is to read your story to yourself. I do see some punctuation errors, seems like you didn't proof read. I'd advise you do that :)

 

Other than that, niiiiceee. When's chapter 3 comin' out?

[Kuhaku 87]

Wait, you mean chapter 4 right?

[Viking4s 10,791]

Nice to see a long story :) Well done.

It sounds and looks great, especially with the map which gives even more substance to the universe you created.
Can't wait for the next chapter, and not because I'll use the tip from my colleagues posted here, coz dialogue is not my forte.